How to know when you are not ready for a relationship?

[Heretolearn]

Hey team,

Love some objective mature advice/direction


I have had several past gfs say I am not ready for a relationship/do not want a relationship because I put other things in front of them (eg. work, renovation, my dancing).

How do you balance a relationship whilst still keeping yourself. Those things are important to me. Those things help me BE and FIND me.

Is it just a point in your life where you are found yourself and then you can put the relationship first or is simply finding a girl that you like, share values with and who respects that life is not about where she ranks but that she is simply a wonderful piece of my puzzle?

thanks

*also, similar experiences/stories welcome.


** as is honesty. eg you sound like a selfish so and so ha ha

 

[speakeasy]

Looking forward to responses, this is a good topic though I have no good advice to offer myself.

 

[Heretolearn]

People put into relationships what they want out of them.
If you're not serious about a relationship then don't think that you're going to get it. Do whatever it is that you wanna do whenever you want and if someone that comes along and fits into that and you make time for them then so be it.

Thanks, but herein lies my problem. I do this then my hobby usually attracts me a gf which I go out with and they are cool with my lifestyle to begin with but eventually want the relationship to go to the next level. I want that, just no space.

John Mayer said something along these lines... If I've gone a week without thinking of buying you something or calling you at least once every other day, I know its over.

I am a very thoughtful dude lol, so think of gfs a lot but that is not enough. Eventually it comes down to a) time for them and b) them feeling they come behind other priorities in my life.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

Just work on wetting a strong frame in the beginnig and you'll be allright. And if the issue comes up, search for the underlying reason, and satisfy the deeper criteria.

E.G. set the frame early:

You (on the first date) I have this friend (a friend so she'll respond more naturally), and he's a great guy, but he has all these hobbies and stuff, and he's really passionate about his work, and the thing is , whenever he gets involved with a girl, she feels that becasue he is not spending enough time with her, she feels that she doesn't matter as much. but its not true, because in his mind she is really important to him, and she doesn't realzie that if he starts to slack off on his hobbies and stuff, he'll change into a different person that the one she met.

Of course, you need to stretch it out, and work it into the conversation, and gauge her reaction appropriately. If she seems like your 'friend' should be more and more spend time etc, then this chica doesn't get a date number two. if she 's is all "yea I understand, those girls are selfish" then you might have something.

if it comes up, then just dig for deeper criteria.

Her " I want to take the relationship tot he next level"
You " oh yea, I totally agree, what's imporant to you about that?"

Her. blah blha blha blah.
you: yea, I totally agree. what's important about that?

Her blah blahb labhlahblalbh

you: oh yea, i totally agreee.
(this too you gotta stretch out, and watch her body language, facial expressions, etc etc)

the trick is to figure out a way to satisfy her deeper criteria withouth any more time or effor than you are already putting in.

I once dated a girl exclusively for over two years without EVER using the word boyfriend or girlfriend using this deeper level criteria satisfying technique. pretty powerful.


have fun

 

[backbreaker]

for me it's pretty simple. When I am with someone and I still don't have the motivation to stop spinning other plates, i'm not ready. I might like a girl but she is not stop spinning plates worthy.

when I stop cutting off other plates becuase I want to spend more itme with this one plate, than that is telling me something.

 

[-HPNOTIQ-]

Only two independant people can be in a successful relationship. When this happens, the relationship becomes inter-dependant. Now understand that inter-dependant DOES NOT mean co-dependant.

To me, inter-dependancy means that both people genuinely want to make each other better. You can both be successful in life without each other, but with each other, you are better. In inter-dependancy, you strive to make each other the best, without losing self independance.

Now co-dependance, to me means that you can't live without the person (and vice versa). That the other person completes you. That without them, you cannot be successful with life. Without the relationship, either person cannot be successul. - This is the perfect formula for relationship failure.

You will know when you are ready for a relationship when you find that your relationship is inter-dependant. There is mutual respect, there is mutual independance, there is a desire to make each other better. - This kind of relationship is free of jealousy, insecurity, and dependeance.

Sound rare? See why 63% of US marriages end in divorce?

 

[Victory Unlimited]

Yo Heretolearn,

If you will click on the thread-link below-----located in my "signature", and take the time to read it, I believe that it will go a LONG way towards helping you find the answer to your question------and pay particularly close attention to the Rules of Engagement, the much more realistic "Soul Mate" definitions, and the Internal Alarm System sections.

 

[squirrels]

Hey team,

Love some objective mature advice/direction


I have had several past gfs say I am not ready for a relationship/do not want a relationship because I put other things in front of them (eg. work, renovation, my dancing).

How do you balance a relationship whilst still keeping yourself. Those things are important to me. Those things help me BE and FIND me.

Is it just a point in your life where you are found yourself and then you can put the relationship first or is simply finding a girl that you like, share values with and who respects that life is not about where she ranks but that she is simply a wonderful piece of my puzzle?

thanks

*also, similar experiences/stories welcome.


** as is honesty. eg you sound like a selfish so and so ha ha

Oh Jesus Christ, don't listen to those hens cackling.

You're "ready for a relationship" when you find the right woman. There's no such thing as a "relationship" without a "with". A relationship doesn't take on an identity until there are two parties to it.

So you can't say, "I'm ready for a relationship" because you don't know who the relationship is WITH, so you're full of sh!t if you think you're "ready".

This is what women say when a relationship doesn't work out. They don't want to blame themselves, and they don't want to accept that they were incompatible with you, so they say, "Oh, he must not be ready for a relationship".

I've had women accuse me of not being ready for a relationship.

Oh, I'm ready for a relationship. Just not with you.

 

[Vulpine]

Oh Jesus Christ, don't listen to those hens cackling.

Amen.

Next time, correct them. THEY aren't "ready for a relationship" with YOU. Don't accept opinions or perceptions as true, and, don't let a woman's personal attacks (no matter how sneaky or well worded they are) be seen as anything but their own low self esteem creeping out.

Wømanese: "You aren't ready for a relationship."

Translation: "I'm worried that I'm not enough of a woman for you. It's your fault that I feel inept. I'm so used to dealing with chumps that I don't know how to manipulate you. I'm a victim of your masculinity."

 

[STR8UP]

Wømanese: "You aren't ready for a relationship."

Translation: "I'm worried that I'm not enough of a woman for you. It's your fault that I feel inept. I'm so used to dealing with chumps that I don't know how to manipulate you. I'm a victim of your masculinity."

I hear this from women all the time. It goes right along with the old "You're afraid of commitment" line.

It goes back to the fact that women lack accountability. They are so self absorbed that they truly believe that it has NOTHING to do with them when you aren't interested.....it's always YOU that has the flaw.

Men MIGHT in rare cases completely close themselves off to the possibility of a relationship, such as when they are focused on a goal, or if they have resolved themselves to some sort of self-imposed exile for whatever reason. But rest assured, a relationship IS a womans goal in life, and she will NEVER turn that off.

 

[BeyondCharm]

I hear this from women all the time. It goes right along with the old "You're afraid of commitment" line.

It goes back to the fact that women lack accountability. They are so self absorbed that they truly believe that it has NOTHING to do with them when you aren't interested.....it's always YOU that has the flaw.

Men MIGHT in rare cases completely close themselves off to the possibility of a relationship, such as when they are focused on a goal, or if they have resolved themselves to some sort of self-imposed exile for whatever reason. But rest assured, a relationship IS a womans goal in life, and she will NEVER turn that off.

STR8UP,

I must point out that your post screams of resentment and anger and is largely a generalization. It may be true of most women but that doesn't mean we cannot be selective and careful when deciding the women we want to spend our time with.

Commitment, friendship, relationship... you say all of these are a womans goal in life and that may be true. However, what both men and women are looking for is not commitment, friendship or relationship; It's companionship.

There is a difference and it benefited me greatly when I began and continue to understand what that means.

Relationships take a lot of work and companionship is one of the things that we work on. I am grateful to have that opportunity because it is infinitely more fufilling than ONS. While I am not opposed to spinning many plates and have done so many times, if none of those plates have the qualities of companionship than we are simply overcompensating quantity for quality. Best of luck to you all.

 

[Vulpine]

BeyondCharm, put your age in your profile, otherwise you risk your posts being deleted.

I'm going to side with STR8UP, here.

Girls are raised from children to cultivate relationships. They play with dolls, have tea parties with friends, and are encouraged to socialize. Boys, on the other hand, play sports, ride bikes, build forts, and develop other skills/cultivate hobbies that carry over into their (autonomous) adult lives. When girls become women, the social skills they developed as kids are essentially the only adult "tool" to serve them. Consequently, a woman's goal is establishing a relationship by being social. Men's goals are far more self-serving, women's goals are more social/family oriented.

This also explains why men come here: women display far more social prowess than do men, and, men (after much "defeat") seek to level the field by understanding some of the core dynamics that women have understood since grade school. Women learned these without reading about them, but instead by practice.

Boys were too busy fishing or building soap box cars to be bothered with social nuances like "eye contact".

Now, all that aside, I think what you are touching on is more of a "adversarial versus cooperative" point. The expression "you aren't ready for a relationship" is fault-finding, which demonstrates "adversary". But, if the same question was worded differently, it would demonstrate a desire to "help" the relationship, versus discount or reject. For example, one could ASK (instead of TELL): "Do you want to have a relationship?"

It's a simple thing that I feel many under-appreciate: the difference between a partner and an enemy. In my understandings, I began to stand firm on the belief "you are either with me, or against me". MANY women disqualify themselves from being relationship material because...

they aren't ready for a relationship yet.

There is no "I" in "team". As simple as that sounds, many western women can't grasp it. Instead of going about nurturing a relationship from a "we" standpoint, there seems to be a stumbling point when it comes to transitioning out of the "me" mindset. Who's to blame? Cultural influences such as media, I presume.

I, for one, have experienced an obnoxious amount of "trying to get away with", manipulation, entitlement, and disrespect in relationships that supports my theory. And, without being able to hold a woman accountable for her actions, I can't develop a trust for that woman. If I can't trust a woman, I certainly can't depend on that woman. So, if I can't trust or depend on a woman, I can't have a relationship with them.

If I can't have a relationship with a woman who is unaccountable and therefore untrustworthy and not dependable, how is does that translate to "Vulpine isn't ready for a relationship"?

If you think this is filled with bitterness and resentment, it's because it is. HOWEVER, it's bitterness and resentment towards our culture and society (men and women included), not just women.

What do you think would happen if I were to paraphrase this whole post to a woman who just told me "you aren't ready for a relationship"? They'd either unplug from the matrix, or, argue.

Either way, the point would prove itself.

 

[BeyondCharm]

BeyondCharm, put your age in your profile, otherwise you risk your posts being deleted.

I'm going to side with STR8UP, here.

Girls are raised from children to cultivate relationships. They play with dolls, have tea parties with friends, and are encouraged to socialize. Boys, on the other hand, play sports, ride bikes, build forts, and develop other skills/cultivate hobbies that carry over into their (autonomous) adult lives. When girls become women, the social skills they developed as kids are essentially the only adult "tool" to serve them. Consequently, a woman's goal is establishing a relationship by being social. Men's goals are far more self-serving, women's goals are more social/family oriented.

This also explains why men come here: women display far more social prowess than do men, and, men (after much "defeat") seek to level the field by understanding some of the core dynamics that women have understood since grade school. Women learned these without reading about them, but instead by practice.

Boys were too busy fishing or building soap box cars to be bothered with social nuances like "eye contact".

Now, all that aside, I think what you are touching on is more of a "adversarial versus cooperative" point. The expression "you aren't ready for a relationship" is fault-finding, which demonstrates "adversary". But, if the same question was worded differently, it would demonstrate a desire to "help" the relationship, versus discount or reject. For example, one could ASK (instead of TELL): "Do you want to have a relationship?"

It's a simple thing that I feel many under-appreciate: the difference between a partner and an enemy. In my understandings, I began to stand firm on the belief "you are either with me, or against me". MANY women disqualify themselves from being relationship material because...

they aren't ready for a relationship yet.

There is no "I" in "team". As simple as that sounds, many western women can't grasp it. Instead of going about nurturing a relationship from a "we" standpoint, there seems to be a stumbling point when it comes to transitioning out of the "me" mindset. Who's to blame? Cultural influences such as media, I presume.

I, for one, have experienced an obnoxious amount of "trying to get away with", manipulation, entitlement, and disrespect in relationships that supports my theory. And, without being to hold a woman accountable for her actions, I can't develop a trust for that woman. If I can't trust a woman, I certainly can't depend on that woman. So, if I can't trust or depend on a woman, I can't have a relationship with them.

If I can't have a relationship with a woman who is unaccountable and therefore untrustworthy and not dependable, how is does that translate to "Vulpine isn't ready for a relationship"?

If you think this is filled with bitterness and resentment, it's because it is. HOWEVER, it's bitterness and resentment towards our culture and society (men and women included), not just women.

What do you think would happen if I were to paraphrase this whole post to a woman who just told me "you aren't ready for a relationship"? They'd either unplug from the matrix, or, argue.

Either way, the point would prove itself.

Vulpine, thank you for the information about my age in my profile. It is there now.

I have personally found that by harboring anger and resentment and bitterness towards our society, culture and women I project those feelings into new relationships. In short, I ask what value do you gain in a relationship by having an attitude of resentment and bitterness from the get-go? Is that attitude and manner of thinking the MOST beneficial for your success in a healthy relationship? Perhaps it is and only you can know that. I can only offer some perspective.

As for your comment about a woman reading this and being unplugged, are you writing your posts for women to be unplugged? Only we can choose to unplug ourselves and my perspective is that we do so not by having infinute piles of knowledge of how society and women work, but by having the humility and honesty with ourselves to be honest with another human being. As you stated, many cannot even form the question "Do you want a relationship". My perspective is this is because of their fear of the answer one may receive and also that a dishonest woman will lie to you and tell you one thing when infact she means another. If you are honest with yourself however and not in denial of what you are infact seeing and hearing, you will know her true intentions soon enough.

Many people, men and women included dabble in the "games" which I too have done in the form of present buying, showering with affection and needyness. I saw that these only showed someone my desire for their affection but were attempts also at asking questions becuase I was hoping for answers to questions I did not have the courage to come out and ask.

I must remind myself every day of the attitudes, thinking and in my case faith which best aid me in living each day.

This journey of understanding whether we are ready for a relationship, reached being a DJ or whatever we want to call it is one of physical, mental, emotional and spiritual progress. It will be such the rest of our lives.

 

[Vulpine]

I considered expounding more on a couple of potential perceptions. That is, I almost sugar-coated and added some disclaimers.

Then I remembered that here, in this forum, filled with men helping men, certain things are a given. I can intentionally bias posts because I'm not trying to impress or cooperate, I'm trying to explain or help.

If someone had done the prescribed reading (DJ Bible), they'd likely be conscious of their attitudes already, or at least weary of letting them influence their interactions with women.

I will explain, however, the point about paraphrasing this thread back to a woman, though.

If posed the question, I would explain my view. At which point, the woman would have two courses of action: either attempt to come to an understanding (i.e. unplug from her matrix), or, argue that my view is somehow wrong.

By arguing my viewpoint is somehow wrong, she would prove herself adversarial.

She'd be welcome to accept my views, because they aren't going to change merely because a single woman tells me "I'm not ready for a relationship".

In fact, they'd likely reinforce my views. One could speculate that, at that point I'd be branded "stubborn" by the same woman. Perhaps, but again, that would only further disqualify the woman.

Hope that clears it up a bit for you.

 

[Interceptor]

When you're truly satisfying your woman, you wont hear the 'youre not ready for a relationship" line. You can have as many freakin' hobbies as you want, and they will not say sh*t to you...IF...you are satisfying them.

You can overanalyze, and try to take out being involved in the relationship as much as you want, but if she's left feeling lonely, dissatisfied,with no intimacy or bonding, it doesnt matter if you're ready or not, you dont know how to handle a woman.
Women gain satisfaction from making a deep emotional bond with you.
If you're 'checked out', there's nothing there for her.

I often see two extremes, the overly accomodating, approval seeking AFC, and the aloof, arrogant ass hole...I rarely see a strong man who cares about his woman, and takes care of her in a confidently masculine manner.
So many guys are so terrified of getting busted and showing the inner wussy that they go overboard and start acting TOO indifferent to the presence of their woman. Because they wont allow themselves to share an intimate relationship with a woman, and wont let themselves be seen as 'vulnerable'.
So they go crazy into micro managing their self image.
Total AFC wussy insecurity. You can try to hide it with a ripped physique, making bank, Armani suits, and a Rolex...but youre still an insecure, scared little boy....
..and she knows.
Why?
Because of the anxiety you have trying to micromanage your perception and self image to her.
God forbid you show your woman you care for her.

Because we all KNOW for a FACT that when you demonstrate love and affection to your woman she will hate you, and cheat on you, and leave you.
Once you demonstrate you care for her...BOOM...she's good as gone, dude. Yup...


Funny thing is, if she DOES...she doesnt deserve you. Shes a (EDITED)..ahem... "Less than worthy" woman.
Get rid of her.
Why would any self respecting man stay with a female who isnt worthy of him??!


(DO you guys understand that it is a GOOD thing to show love and affection to your mate?? And this is healthy and EVERYONE wants it? And it is OK to ADMIT it and to WANT IT??? And if some dumb broad doesnt appreciate the love that you have for her, SHE'S the one with the 'issues', NOT YOU??! The only caveat is IF you are acting like a secure, self assured, confident MAN...if NOT....then you WILL have problems.)

But since so many guys have NO IDEA how to live the masculine middle road, they go to the extremes.
Instead of letting go of their micro managing FEAR based operations, and just be a freakin' man, and not be WORRIED and ANXIOUS at HOW you will be perceived.

Damn, if guys really knew what goes on in women's heads.
They want masculine men to know what they want. Have drive and ambition. And not be more afraid and insecure than the woman!
No woman is attracted to a worrywart, an insecure guy who is micro managing his self image. Total turn off.
She's searching for those things.(ie "IS he Man? or is he a 'little boy'? Is he gay? Does he even like women?")
And when she begins to sense you're a phony...you're done, kid. She blew your cover.
Nice work.

They want sex, companionship, trust, security, intimacy and an emotional bond. Women feel fulfilled when they have an EMOTIONAL BOND.
You cant have an emotional bond when you're acting aloof, and 'not available'.
Thus, you are not satisfying her.
Thus, you get the 'youre not ready for a relationship' line. Because you're not interested in her.
Does that mean you HAVE to make a woman the CENTER of your WORLD? And put her on the pedastal??!!
No. But there we go, men go to the extremes again. They dont know HOW to handle their own personal life, and attend to their woman's needs.
And also, most guys naturally assume since 'all women are b*tches" that NO woman will EVER take the time to make sure YOU'RE Happy and satisfied. And actuallydo the things that men want from women??
No way. Women are evil b*tches. No woman can be trusted. yada yada...

 

[Interceptor]

(BTW, you ever stop to think WHY a lot of women think 'men are stupid' and 'all men are dogs'? Well, part of the reason is that the majority of men are so desperate that they will chase and stay with women who treat them like sh*t. So women assume these males have such low self esteem , and no self respect, women grow accustom to men ACCEPTING that behavior from women as NORMAL. Women know better. But since they're rarely put into the position to PROVE themselves as a worthy mate, they feel like they can DO whatever they want. It's a self fulfilling prophecy. Men dont hold women to a higher standard, because apparently they will let themselves be walked all over for pvssy. And because most men lack natural masculine qualities, they just dont know how to relate masculinely with their woman. So they stop relating at all. They shut down, and pretend 'they're too busy'.
No woman is going to want to stay with some dude who is always 'busy'. Some other dude will eventually take her and show her what a Man really is, unfortunately, it wont be you, dude.)

Most men are in shock and disbelief that there are women who WANT to give to their man, and make him feel good, happy, fulfilled, and satisfied.
Since so many men are wasting time chasing undeserving females, of course, they CANT RECOGNIZE a good woman when she standing in front of them.

"But I just want to get LAID, man!!! Dont you see???! LAID, bro!!!"

I know. I understand.

But you dont have to sell your damn Soul to get some ass.
At least you shouldnt have to FEEL like you do..like thats 'just how Life IS'..oh well...why try to look for a compatible, good, kind woman who is a giver? Why??? All women are b*tches, bro... (sigh)...
It really means at the end of the day that you are so desperate that her pvssy IS the 'golden pvssy' you'll sell your Soul for....you GAVE her that power over you.
at the end of the day ...it is STILL a sort of twisted AFC method of looking at the world.
You let go of your values just to even BE with a woman, who may not even be worthy of the good qualities you may possess. I think it's fvcked up.

So men become afraid of wanting intimacy and bonding with a good woman.



And a lot of guys want that too.
What MAN wants a WOMAN to go hang out and do exclusively GUY things?


What do you want? a male with a pvssy?



Most guys think once they get with their woman, thats it...they dont have to do anything else, they can lie around getting fat, drinking beer while watching Sports Center while saying to themselves'just being me...hey, Im not going to change for nobody. Im just keeping it real, yo.'....good luck with that.


When you demonstrate that your woman MATTERS to you, then you know how to be in a relationship.


No self respecting, high self esteem woman with options is going to hang around some dude who doesnt value her and acts aloof with her all the damn time....



There's too much fear. Too much paranoia and creating and too much emotional investment in propagating these limiting beleifs.
Sometimes guys justhave to recognize when they are in the grips of self delusion and paranoia.
If a woman doesnt appreciate you...next her. Simple.
If you KNOW you are a good man, thats good enough. You dont NEED millions of dollars,and a Ferrari to have a woman. And a woman who NEEDs those things in order to be in a relationship with you is NOT a good woman.
If you're fake, then dont expect genuine Women.
If you dont trust yourself in making the right decisions, instead of buying into the mass propaganda here, why not try to find out HOW to make the best decisions for YOUR life??

 

[Interceptor]

Another thing to at least differentiate is, that yes, there are plenty of guys who dont give a sh*t about women, or their feelings.
They just want sex.

Since they are looking to bang any chick, they will eventually run into a woman who wants more.

And its ok if the guy does NOT.

Just say so.

"Im not looking for an exclusive relationship right now. To tell you the truth, I dont think I ever will."

And thats fine.

Just dont complain when a woman doesnt have her needs fulfilled with you.
Dont expect her to act like a caring, loving sweet woman to you, if you dont give a rat's ass about her.

She has a right to WANT what she wants.
Same as you.


So dont blame her if she's not being satisfied or fulfilled.

If you dont want a relationship, say so.
Dont lead her on.

But dont act like an aloof, distant ass hole if deep down you DO want a fulfilling relationship.

Its a self fulfilling prophecy.

ie "I wont act like I care to women, because women dont care about me. So I wont care about her FIRST. That way, I wont get hurt."

Which means he will never get the emotional investment and interest from a good woman.
Why?
Cause he dont care!
He shut himself off.

Yes, women do give the 'youre not ready' line when they are not gettign their needs met, and they feel youre either acting aloof and distant, whether its true or not, (some guys really are sociopathic and really are incapable of love and affection) or they think deep down you have latent homosexuality issues (which believe it or not, is sometimes the case.).

Now, you may not be interested in her.

Then why are you with her?


"I want sex, dude!"

Well, this sh*t comes with the territory, dude. Get used to it.
Dont BLAME a woman for wanting more, when she feels unfulfilled.
We are no one to take away a person's right to want what they want.

 

[jophil28]

Oh Jesus Christ, don't listen to those hens cackling.

You're "ready for a relationship" when you find the right woman. There's no such thing as a "relationship" without a "with". A relationship doesn't take on an identity until there are two parties to it.

So you can't say, "I'm ready for a relationship" because you don't know who the relationship is WITH, so you're full of sh!t if you think you're "ready".

This is what women say when a relationship doesn't work out. They don't want to blame themselves, and they don't want to accept that they were incompatible with you, so they say, "Oh, he must not be ready for a relationship".

I've had women accuse me of not being ready for a relationship.

Oh, I'm ready for a relationship. Just not with you.

THis is great advice.

You will be "ready" for a relationship WHEN a suitable women comes into your life.
Forget all that static from the self help pulp masters about "interdependence" and whatever buzz words are currently in fashion.
Men had successful relationship for a zillion tyears - long before the therapists and ' counselors' started promoting their mindless static as " relationship advice" .
Barnes and Noble are not your life partners..

You want a successful relationship with women ?
Just do what your grandfather did with your grandma.
HE got it right and YOU are the walking, talking evidence.

 

[Jitterbug]

When you're truly satisfying your woman, you wont hear the 'youre not ready for a relationship" line. You can have as many freakin' hobbies as you want, and they will not say sh*t to you...IF...you are satisfying them.

Is it even possible to truly satisfy a woman these days?

 

[scottfall]

Is it even possible to truly satisfy a woman these days?

Who cares? Its not your job to satisfy women, its your job to satisfy yourself.. thats what keeps a woman satisfied.