How to help an antisocial girl?

[Huffman]

Hey guys, there's this close relative of mine who is kind of antisocial, very much like I was a couple of years ago.

She is a little shy, doesn't go out ever, has almost no friends and I believe that, deep down, she is very lonely. She is very intelligent and has good career opportunities. Additionally, she is quite pretty but dresses very boringly so that she doesn't attract attention. And so she spends all her time with books and movies, in a fantasy world.

What can I do to make her go out a little, find new friends, heighten her self-esteem, make her become a happy person?
For me, reading some of the material on this website changed everything back in the day. But she is a girl, so I can't recommend her that.

I believe that for her to change, she must realize it on her own accord.
But how can I help in triggering that? She could be so much if she only tried!
I'm the only one she has left, but I'm leaving the country for several years and I just want her to be happy. It hurts me to see her going on like this!

I am very grateful for any advice you can give! Please!

 

[Luthor Rex]

The first question you need to ask is "does the girl WANT to be more social?"

There have been times in my life when I have wanted to stay away from people for a while and sometimes people tried to "help" me be more social. But it wasn't what I wanted. One friendship of mine actually ended over this issue.

Also, if she's a very bring girl she may be anti-social because there aren't other people around who do things which interest her. I work as an accountant at a trucking company, but I don't hang out with truckers. Is it because I'm anti-social? No, it's because I have nothing in common with the people who work at my company and drive trucks.

Introversion is not a crime.

Contrary to what most people think, an introvert is not simply a person who is shy. In fact, being shy has little to do with being an introvert! Shyness has an element of apprehension, nervousness and anxiety, and while an introvert may also be shy, introversion itself is not shyness. Basically, an introvert is a person who is energized by being alone and whose energy is drained by being around other people.

Introverts are more concerned with the inner world of the mind. They enjoy thinking, exploring their thoughts and feelings. They often avoid social situations because being around people drains their energy. This is true even if they have good social skills. After being with people for any length of time, such as at a party, they need time alone to "recharge."

When introverts want to be alone, it is not, by itself, a sign of depression. It means that they either need to regain their energy from being around people or that they simply want the time to be with their own thoughts. Being with people, even people they like and are comfortable with, can prevent them from their desire to be quietly introspective.

Being introspective, though, does not mean that an introvert never has conversations. However, those conversations are generally about ideas and concepts, not about what they consider the trivial matters of social small talk.

 

[piranha45]

I don't think she needs help, and your efforts at doing otherwise will probably just needlessly aggravate her.

 

[Huffman]

I can't do anything but hope you're right.

 

[Furyguy]

Three step process:

1) Get her really comfortable and outgoing around a small group of individuals.
2) Get her to keep acting that way when the group is widened to include more people.
3) Get her to keep acting that way when the original people she was very comfortable with are no longer present.

This is what worked for me. You, or someone else, are going to have to spend a lot of time with her in the beginning. She might end up changing whether she wants to or not, but it'll be a positive one.

 

[Luthor Rex]

You can't force someone to change if they don't want to change. If she wants your help then give it, but don't twist her arm.

 

[pLaYtHiNg]

She's obviously content with herself and her life as she does nothing to change it. When something gets bad enough we do something about it. You said she is intelligent, yet aren't you kind of undermining it?

Secondly, why do YOU want so badly to change her? I think that's kind of weird...

As an introvert myself, I find that the less people I deal with the better. I can identify with your relative.

 

[fertileTurtle]

I've got 2 turntables and a microphone.

 

[Son of anarchy]

Whats wrong about her? does she create any problems to anybody?
It's not mandatory bo be the party girl we are used to see everywhere.

 

[Huffman]

as a clarification, she is a relative, like a little sister, i know her really well and NO she doesn't look happy to me! What is weird about wanting to help?

but well, I've now moved to the end of the world and just hope she finds joy in whatever she decides to do.

 

[Huffman]

I'd like to warm this up. I'm not concerned about her not being social - it's gotten alot worse, she has huge self-esteem issues and was so anxoius that she started crying in a job interview. She's also started some therapy...

She is obviously NOT comfortable with herself! What would you do if you had (someone like) a little sister like that? I'm fully aware that she'll likely resist any attempt to help her. She would feel very self-conscious about it. But how can I help her then?

If she was a guy I'd just tell her to man up and tell her some of the stuff floating round here, which has helped me in the past. But she's a girl and I have no idea how to handle it.

I cannot sit idle and watch as this is happening to her!!

 

[Desert Fox]

1) spend a lot of time with her
2) get her to trust you
3) ask HER for advice. show her you trust her too. be like "yo there's this girl i like, what do yo uthink of her" etc
4) say stuff like "alright thanks for ur advice, i'm gonna try it out."

basically get her involved in your life and eventually she'll open up. make it clear you are there for her if she needs any advice and whatnot.

it sounds like your idea of your closeness with her is not mutual. i am pretty close w/ my younger relatives and they always ask me for advice, but i'm never pushy about it. in fact i can't recall a time where i was like "yo how's your life? let me give u advice and help u." it was more like we're just chillin and they ask me sh1t because i'm older. anyways, you shouldn't worry too much about them. yeah i know they're relatives but they're not your bro or sister or anything so its mostly their parents problem. i don't worry about other people too much. if they need my help i'm there, but i'm not some goddamn heckler bothering people so i can go help them. that sounds intrusive. and as an introvert myself that's the worst and most annoying thing you can be.

 

[Evzone]

I second what Desert Fox said. Don't just start giving unsolicited advice because nobody likes that, but do lead by example, and maybe also introduce her to some of your own friends. Just make it natural, like when you're going out for food or whatever with your friends, bring her along.

 

[n00bPimp]

First, I want to understand one thing. Why do you want to help her? Do you have anything to gain from her becoming more outgoing? Helping someone change their ways is very hard unless they want to help themselves. If you want to even attempt to change her, make sure that your motivations for doing so are strong enough to be willing to invest great amounts of time, emotions, and effort.

 

[Warrior74]

I have some really anti social friends....I've given up on inviting them out or trying to "help them come out of their shell". that's for each person to do for themselves. I honestly believe that.