how to handle when she talks about her problems?
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WaterTiger
Master Don Juan
There are two schools of thought here:
School one:"Baby! Go call your girlfriend, I don't have time for your problems."
School two: "Tell me what's got you so upset."
Both schools have the SAME idea behind them.DO NOT try to solve her problems!
We girls are weird (like you didn't know!) By talking about the problem, saying it out loud we do our own brain storming, figure it out.
We just need some one to say: "Uhn-huh...yeah that sucks...okay...uhn-huh" for a half hour till we have vented. After we vent, act childish, hysterical and whine about the unfairness of the universe, then we can actually go and work out our problem.
If YOU try to tell her how to solve the problem, she WILL GET ANGRY WITH YOU. You'll hear things like "You aren't my father!" "Don't tell me what to do!" "You don't understand ANYTHING!"
Listen, or tell her to get lost. DO NOT SOLVE!
School one:"Baby! Go call your girlfriend, I don't have time for your problems."
School two: "Tell me what's got you so upset."
Both schools have the SAME idea behind them.DO NOT try to solve her problems!
We girls are weird (like you didn't know!) By talking about the problem, saying it out loud we do our own brain storming, figure it out.
We just need some one to say: "Uhn-huh...yeah that sucks...okay...uhn-huh" for a half hour till we have vented. After we vent, act childish, hysterical and whine about the unfairness of the universe, then we can actually go and work out our problem.
If YOU try to tell her how to solve the problem, she WILL GET ANGRY WITH YOU. You'll hear things like "You aren't my father!" "Don't tell me what to do!" "You don't understand ANYTHING!"
Listen, or tell her to get lost. DO NOT SOLVE!
Theres a few things I do:
-Ask what the problem is.
-Show her the problem from another point of view to make it seem small.
-Change the subject.
I'll ask her whats wrong. When she tells me I will then show her that there is no real problem e.g when she said she had a fight with her mother I told her it'll be fine and ye'll be talking again tomorrow.
One thing not to do is fuel the fire. If she is angry and complaining about somebody I will tell her it was bad what the person done and he/she should have known better but some people are mean because they are basically unhappy people so don't get angry just feel sorry for them.
After all that I change the subject. It's all about changing the energy of the conversation from negative to positive. I start talking about things she likes and what we'll do when we meet etc. It changes her mood from bad to good and best of all I'm responsible for it.
It's best not to ignore her but do not keep talking and her problems and fueling the fire.
-Ask what the problem is.
-Show her the problem from another point of view to make it seem small.
-Change the subject.
I'll ask her whats wrong. When she tells me I will then show her that there is no real problem e.g when she said she had a fight with her mother I told her it'll be fine and ye'll be talking again tomorrow.
One thing not to do is fuel the fire. If she is angry and complaining about somebody I will tell her it was bad what the person done and he/she should have known better but some people are mean because they are basically unhappy people so don't get angry just feel sorry for them.
After all that I change the subject. It's all about changing the energy of the conversation from negative to positive. I start talking about things she likes and what we'll do when we meet etc. It changes her mood from bad to good and best of all I'm responsible for it.
It's best not to ignore her but do not keep talking and her problems and fueling the fire.
KarmaSutra
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Sometimes she wants to hear herself speak, see if you're paying attention to her or simply because she needs to vent about something.
Regardless of the reason, it's best to listen intently, ingest it and give her your perspective of the situation.
Slaog got it right when he said:
Regardless of the reason, it's best to listen intently, ingest it and give her your perspective of the situation.
Slaog got it right when he said:
Lastly, do not attempt to solve her problem for her (unless it's regarding her immediate health). She's a big girl and can handle her business on her own.slaog said:
Jeffst1980
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Danger said:
I don't think it's an issue of being a man. It's more an issue of doing what works well in practice, as opposed to trying to prove something to her.
If you solve the problem, you invalidate her feelings of stress. This drives women nuts and actually makes them resent you in the long run. It's not worth going down that path when you can simply let her vent sufficiently and then change the subject. I will concede that solving the problem is appropriate in some cases--i.e. ones that will truly affect you or her, such as financial or health matters. However, if it's stupid girl drama, your job as a man is actually to not get involved any further than making her feel that you're on her side.
A good rule of thumb in relationships: If you have the choice between proving your GF wrong and doing something to increase her interest level, stick with the behavior that increases her interest level. It's better in the long run, and history will vindicate you, so to speak.
>> then you need to tell her that is what men do, they solve problems >>
It's what men do with other men. When it comes to women, we can't always do what we do with other men. This is how a man handles a woman:
Unless she asks you specifically to solve her problem, then what she's doing is venting and only needs a listening, empathic ear in order to let out her feelings and feel understood. That's what she's seeking. If you attempt to solve her problems or negate what she's feeling (i.e., "Don't be silly! You shouldn't feel that way! You're making a big deal out of nothing. Suck it up! Here's what you ought to do..."), she'll feel you don't get her and that will upset her too.
It's easy. You have to simply give her all your complete, undivided attention for 15 minutes, look her in the eyes when she's speaking, and not say anything at all except an occasional "uh huh" to let her know you're listening. Nodding your head once in a while is good too. Empathic statements help validate her feelings as well: "Gee that must feel awful." "Wow, I'd hate that too" "You must feel lousy about that!" Asking questions to have her clarify a point that maybe you didn't understand also shows that you're listening. Then when she's all through dumping her emotions she'll feel great and love you more because you're so understanding.
And when she vents and you listen and validate her feelings and ask questions to clarify points, you're guiding her to reflect inwardly and solve her problems herself by coming to her own conclusions.
It's what men do with other men. When it comes to women, we can't always do what we do with other men. This is how a man handles a woman:
Unless she asks you specifically to solve her problem, then what she's doing is venting and only needs a listening, empathic ear in order to let out her feelings and feel understood. That's what she's seeking. If you attempt to solve her problems or negate what she's feeling (i.e., "Don't be silly! You shouldn't feel that way! You're making a big deal out of nothing. Suck it up! Here's what you ought to do..."), she'll feel you don't get her and that will upset her too.
It's easy. You have to simply give her all your complete, undivided attention for 15 minutes, look her in the eyes when she's speaking, and not say anything at all except an occasional "uh huh" to let her know you're listening. Nodding your head once in a while is good too. Empathic statements help validate her feelings as well: "Gee that must feel awful." "Wow, I'd hate that too" "You must feel lousy about that!" Asking questions to have her clarify a point that maybe you didn't understand also shows that you're listening. Then when she's all through dumping her emotions she'll feel great and love you more because you're so understanding.
And when she vents and you listen and validate her feelings and ask questions to clarify points, you're guiding her to reflect inwardly and solve her problems herself by coming to her own conclusions.
guru1000
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Truth be told, it does not matter how you address her complaints or problems AS LONG as you currently maintain the correct frame.
Most men get caught up with various questions of how to handle a given situation. The fact remains if you are holding the correct context in the relationship, any way you handle it will suffice if the frame is not compromised in the process.
Maintain the correct context in your rapport and these questions will become trivial. If you choose to service, make sure it is appreciated. If taken for granted,
Address, withdraw attention and let her make amends.
Most men get caught up with various questions of how to handle a given situation. The fact remains if you are holding the correct context in the relationship, any way you handle it will suffice if the frame is not compromised in the process.
Maintain the correct context in your rapport and these questions will become trivial. If you choose to service, make sure it is appreciated. If taken for granted,
Address, withdraw attention and let her make amends.
backbreaker
Master Don Juan
it depends on what type of problems we are talking about.
if we are talking self esteem related issues, am I worth it issues, I' don't like myself issues, run the other way as fast as possible.
if we are talking self esteem related issues, am I worth it issues, I' don't like myself issues, run the other way as fast as possible.
This is the perfect illustration of the difference between the way the male and the female brain works. A male talks about problems looking for suggestions on how to solve them. A woman talks about her problems to release emotions.
Sh!t used to PISS me off to no end when I would try to "help" someone (a woman who approached me with a problem) just to be met with hostility. Still kinda does, actually....
Sh!t used to PISS me off to no end when I would try to "help" someone (a woman who approached me with a problem) just to be met with hostility. Still kinda does, actually....
jophil28
Master Don Juan
Me too, until I realised that women do not solve problems and are not motivated to seek solutions because, to them,all their "troubles" originate externally.STR8UP said:
THis is why we rarely observe a woman making meaningful attempts to rectify problems. THey (conveniently ) regard what happens to them as coming from "outside" themselves and therefore they see no point in trying to solve a problem which they did not "cause".
Hence we are stuck with the situation in which women endless "talk" about their troubles ,over and over, like girls sitting around the campfire..
AIRWARRIOR71
Don Juan
I just think this is funny in a way because there is a Coor's Beer commercial about a chick asking the guy if she can vent with him...he says I would LOVE to vent with you...hold on a sec...she starts to talk...he goes to the fridge and grabs two beers. She sees him come back and gets pissed because he says "OK lets vent!" It is just an advertisement for the venting can that allows for a more perfect pour. Ironically it nails on the head the differences between men and women. Fun Fun!