How to handle this, part 2?

[ryanbo29]

Hey guys.. remember when I told you about the girl ive been dating who I had sex with a few times in date 2 and 3, who hasnt let me since..? Here's an update.. please help!

We went out Friday and had a pretty good time.. but when I tried to initate something, she gracefully stopped it. This time I asked her what was wrong and how it's noticable that we went from having sex to not.. she told me that she's been rethinking having sex and on the side mentioned that I might be gone for a couple of months during the summer. I clarified how long I would be gone during the summer (only a couple weeks) and asked her what the other thing was. She refused to say despite my asking a couple times...I did ask her if it had anything to do with the the scene after my not 'finishing' the other night and she said absolutely not

I don't know what to think..this and the 2 months gone in summer don't make sense. that's a long time away and weve only been dating a month. I don't know if she's worried about getting attached, or if she's not as into me anymore, or what.

Any opinions on what I do next? She asked me out for next Saturday a couple days ago, but I don't know how to act around her anymore.

 

[DrSoSuave]

"rethinking having sex" could mean a whole lot of things and most of them in my opinion are mostly bad.

Girls are usually not in relationships just for sex like guys are so your issue with "not finishing" is besides the point. It's something bigger and it refers to your importance in the relationship to her.

Careful treading and prepare to jump ship!

 

[ryanbo29]

I agree with most things being bad.

The reason I'm so confused is because she accepts my date requests so quickly and even has asked me out twice lately.. It seems like she's into me until you get to the sex part.. really throws me a for a loop..

How would you proceed?

and thanks for the advice, BTW.

 

[ryanbo29]

Small update.. I tried something different.. I called her and didn't ask her out.. I last saw her Saturday afternoon.. She mentioned she would be home that night and to "call me later maybe".. I didn't, I went out with my friends.. So tonight I called her at 10pm and we just talked for maybe 20 minutes.. usually I ask her out, but this time i just said 'have a good week at work."

keep in mind she did ask me to go to a concert next week on saturday, but still.. im hoping this makes her wonder.. BTW, she also seemed very happy to hear from me

Any other opinions on this whole thing?

Ryan

 

[MotoXXX]

Hey Ryan, I dont know the whole scenario but here is my opinion. back off, unless this is LTR material, let her come to you, if her interest is in you she will crawl scratch and beg for you back. Just to clarify something I personally do think chicks look at a guy not finishing as like they are afraid they cant satisfy you. But if you say the right things, act the right way and make sure you get them off, they look at getting you off as a challenge. Believe me, I met this chick about a month ago took her out the next weekend, and she gave me head but I passed out cuz I was way too drunk. Well this weekend she called me and wanted to hang out, 3 weeks after the 1st incident, and it ended in the same matter me back at her house and her giving me a 45 minute B.J. cuz she told me she wasnt gonna let me get away without finishing this time, Hey babe your the boss. GET-ER-DONE.

 

[squirrels]

Originally posted by ryanbo29
Small update.. I tried something different.. I called her and didn't ask her out.. I last saw her Saturday afternoon.. She mentioned she would be home that night and to "call me later maybe".. I didn't, I went out with my friends.. So tonight I called her at 10pm and we just talked for maybe 20 minutes.. usually I ask her out, but this time i just said 'have a good week at work."

keep in mind she did ask me to go to a concert next week on saturday, but still.. im hoping this makes her wonder.. BTW, she also seemed very happy to hear from me

Any other opinions on this whole thing?

Ryan

I'm with Moto...don't go buddy-up to her and chat on the phone all the time now that she's withholding the sex.

Women who try to use sex to leverage a man into a more permanent relationship really tick me off. It means they don't have what it takes to attract men into LTRs WITHOUT sex and need to resort to sexual manipulation to try to trap guys in relationships they dont' want to be in.

And then they're the first to b!tch when a guy's unhappy and starts looking elsewhere.

If it's not a problem in bed as you suspected, then it means the relationship is not proceeding properly.

 

[ryanbo29]

THanks guys.. this is good stuff... she is sort LTR quality, tho you may disagree from these posts.

At some level I just want to tell her .. "look, I don't like that you don't trust me enough to level with me, so it makes me feel uncomfortable.." almost like I want to tell her.. level with me or I'm out..

Would that be a bad idea to say that in say about a week, or some variation thereof.. i know it's tricky because i dont want to make her get immediately defensive.

I plan on not contacting her at all this week after talking to her for a few minutes yesterday.

Ryan

 

[Oxide]

Hey ryan


I dont know what she means but feeling unsure, neither do you..but the "you are going away" thing is just the tip of the iceberg.

She could be rethinking sex becuase:

-she feels she gave it up too easily
-she is afraid of being used just for sex


which means, she needs to trust you more, and feel like you arent there just to get in, get it, and get out.

If you really care for this girl (more than just sex), i would sit her down, and talk about this. I want her to tell me, without covering it up, what is it that bothers her. If she keeps hiding it, i will tell her that i want a good realtionship, and every good realtionship should have good sex, i am letting you figure this out babe, but i am leaving. Call me when you are done figuring it out.


If you decide to walk, dont tell her its is just becuase of sex. Explain that in a realtionship, both people should trust each other... she doesnt trust in you, it isnt working..


hope this helps.

-Oxide

 

[sapphire]

I have had the same exact thing happen to me.

It is a sign that she thinks she is being taken for granted and is not yet convinced that you are committed enough to the relationship for her to give herself totally to you.

Like Oxide said, it is mainly a trust issue. If you are seriously into this girl, then sit down and have a good long talk with her and explain to her that sex is part of any relationship and that if she is not willing to oblige then you will go somewhere else.

It is a give and take situation. Remember, women want a relationship whereas men want sex.

 

[Royal Elite]

Originally posted by ryanbo29
Hey guys.. remember when I told you about the girl ive been dating who I had sex with a few times in date 2 and 3, who hasnt let me since..? Here's an update.. please help!

We went out Friday and had a pretty good time.. but when I tried to initate something, she gracefully stopped it. This time I asked her what was wrong and how it's noticable that we went from having sex to not.. she told me that she's been rethinking having sex and on the side mentioned that I might be gone for a couple of months during the summer. I clarified how long I would be gone during the summer (only a couple weeks) and asked her what the other thing was. She refused to say despite my asking a couple times...I did ask her if it had anything to do with the the scene after my not 'finishing' the other night and she said absolutely not

I don't know what to think..this and the 2 months gone in summer don't make sense. that's a long time away and weve only been dating a month. I don't know if she's worried about getting attached, or if she's not as into me anymore, or what.

Any opinions on what I do next? She asked me out for next Saturday a couple days ago, but I don't know how to act around her anymore.

Listen you need to think about what "you" really want. What would make your life happy in regards to this situation, and then make a decision based on that. Not her opinion or anyone's else at first. Self matters, so you need to find out what self wants.

 

[yunghova35]

if a chick STOPS having sex with you a few thing happened

1- she doesnt like you

2- she having sex with someone else and she doesnt want to have sex with two guys at the same time.

3- she didnt like the sex(now this one is odd because sometime a chick may stay if she like you eunff and the sex is bad, but if she doesnt like you THAT much she'll leave)

trust me it has NOTHING to do with the summer or her not trusting you, it has EVERYTHING to do with hold well she attracted to you.

 

[ryanbo29]

Hmmm, a lot of differing opinions here.. The only reason I think it might be reason 1 on the last post is because of the whole I wasnt finishing thing on the oral sex. Maybe that was a big deal to her, I don't know.

I would like to confront her, but since we've only gone out 6 or 7 times, I worry about making everything a big deal...

What do you guys think of my current course of action.. that is, I called her Sunday night without asking her out just to sorta show I don't only do it to get a date.. and now I'm fully pulling back. That is, no calls and I have refrained from IM (I occasionally got on and said hello.)

Keep in mind she has a date locked in for Saturday coming up that she asked me for last week.

Thanks for all the responses and help!

Ryan

 

[Oxide]

What would make your life happy in regards to this situation, and then make a decision based on that. Not her opinion or anyone's else at first. Self matters, so you need to find out what self wants.

This is the first step for any man.. but he shouldnt lose a possibly great girl just becuase he isnt going to take a chance and ask what's going on.

I would rather find out and then decide what i want to do, than quit and realize i missed out.

 

[ryanbo29]

I did ask what's going on.. She just gave me a couple reasons that I addressed, but wouldn't tell me the big one.. When I told her to be honest like usual she said she was going to bite her lip on this one...

Thats my big problem -- I dont know what the problem is or how to address it.

 

[ryanbo29]

Here's how it ended guys..

She caught me on IM and basically eventually told me this:

GIRL (8:55:17 PM): yep, hey listen about Sat...I'm having second thoughts about Carl Cox. I don't think I want to go, I just think it's not going to be fun....

GIRL (8:58:27 PM): I just think he's going to play banging techno and regardless of his talents I'm just thinking it won't be the best kind of scene

GIRL (8:59:16 PM): I dunno, I'm just feeling anxious about it rather than excited and I take that as a bad sign

ME (8:59:58 PM): that's cool..if you have a bad vibe about it, then theres no reason to go

GIRL (9:02:23 PM): Thanks for understanding, I'm disappointed that I feel this way. Another sign that I'm getting old? Who knows. Maybe it's because I didn't do anything this past weekend except pack and clean and it felt good to just stay at home and be anti-social

ME (9:04:06 PM): not a big deal, don't worry about it. i dont want to drag you somewhere that you don't want to go

GIRL (9:04:39 PM): thanks

ME (9:05:52 PM): do you just want to spend time by yourself on saturday then?

GIRL (9:07:06 PM): I just don't want to go out. I feel like what would be the most fun would be staying in and doing nothing

ME (9:07:26 PM): that's totally cool.. but may i ask you a question

GIRL (9:07:34 PM): certainly

ME (9:09:01 PM): most of the time i understand where people are coming from

GIRL (9:09:50 PM): and you don't understand where I'm coming from?

ME (9:10:56 PM): actually i think i usually do

GIRL (9:18:12 PM): anyhow, i understand and sometimes its good to be away from people and things

ME(9:18:28 PM): sometimes i do it myself, get away from everything

ME (9:18:47 PM): my question was if you felt overwhelmed

GIRL (9:22:56 PM): Overwhelmed? It would make sense because I just want to focus on myself and what I need to do but I don't think I get overwhelmed that easily. I just feel like I need to rest and not entertain. And not put on makeup or do my hair or shave or wear heels...I just want to veg, pack and watch tv

ME (9:30:23 PM): Well I never expected you to be some sort of performing doll and i'm sorry you feel that way... but enjoy your social haitus.

GIRL(9:31:44 PM): Not sure how to respond to that

GIRL (9:32:42 PM): Never thought of myself as a performing doll and wouldn't say i was going on a social haitus. I'm just saying I want to sit on my ass and do nothing this weekend

ME (9:38:36 PM): oh ok, well then youre not a doll or social hiatus.. who wants to be on hiatus anyway? i can barely spell it. i gotta get out of here before they chain me to the desk.. ill call you next week when my schedule clears.

ME (9:38:39 PM): see ya

GIRL (9:38:55 PM): bye


So guys.. how did I handle that.. and is there any way Ill ever have another chance with her... for some reason it seems like she just felt pressured.

 

[xiola]

I didnt finish once with a girl I had just started seeing and after that, we never had sex again, lol

I guess I made her feel inaduquate

b

 

[Donald Kaufman]

Based on that last chat I would put her on the back burner and start looking for other options. Something is up, not enough information for me to guess. Get busy and let her work it out for herself. You gave her about 4 chances to give any sort of hint. She didn't take them. If she does try to contact you make sure you are so busy you can't get back to her quickly.