How to handle the silent treatment

[Jor-El]

As above.So all off a sudden,she is pissed off with you,one word answers and/ or silence,and this is the crucial point here,YOU DONT KNOW WHY...how do you handle this ? Obviously,you are not going to simp ("how have I upset you honey...") but,you cant think what you have done,and,assuming you cant escape,ie,you are both on a 3 hour car journey home (or even if you arnt!) and dont fancy 3 hours of sulky silence...what next,how does a DJ handle this....be interested to hear as we have all been there.....btw, "just kick her to the kerb" is not really helpful as a reply,trying to get to the nuts and bolts of the real world here

 

[BackInTheGame78]

Give her space and let her know to get back to you when she is in a better place.

"You seem to have some things that are bothering you. When everything settles, we can talk about it if you'd like, or we don't need to, I will leave that up to you."

Or something along those lines. Let her know that you will give her some space to figure things out and then be available if she wants to talk through things but don't force her to. And then go do your own things and love life until she reaches out to you.

 

[Sir FB]

There's a chapter in "The Way of the Superior Man" about this. I also seem to remember similar advice from Corey Wayne. I'm summarizing (perhaps badly) here but as I remember it, try and get her to talk about it, over and over if necessary. The difficult part is not getting angry or running away while she is telling you all you have done wrong. Keep asking if there is more. Stand firmly in your masculinity and listen openly. When she has completely expressed herself, she will be more able to return to her natural feminine self.

 

[Lookatu]

As above.So all off a sudden,she is pissed off with you,one word answers and/ or silence,and this is the crucial point here,YOU DONT KNOW WHY...how do you handle this ?

you are both on a 3 hour car journey home (or even if you arnt!) and dont fancy 3 hours of sulky silence...what next,how does a DJ handle this....

If you are in a car, turn on some music that she likes. Music always soothes and clears the mind a bit. Once you see that she's relaxed a bit, start talking about favorite songs or something related on how it makes you feel. Then segway into what's bothering her. By this point she should be diffused enough to open up a bit.

 

[Chamber36]

There's a chapter in "The Way of the Superior Man" about this. I also seem to remember similar advice from Corey Wayne. I'm summarizing (perhaps badly) here but as I remember it, try and get her to talk about it, over and over if necessary. The difficult part is not getting angry or running away while she is telling you all you have done wrong. Keep asking if there is more. Stand firmly in your masculinity and listen openly. When she has completely expressed herself, she will be more able to return to her natural feminine self.

That's true, I just read up about that yesterday. You have to stay positive, and joke a bit. He called it a pattern interrupt.

You just keep asking, show her that you care. Be a bit playful and flirtatious. Might be difficult in a car ride. If she doesn't wanna be cool about it or doesn't know how to communicate, maybe she isnt the right one for you.

I, for one, wouldnt submit myself to this non-communication bs. I would just carry on being happy and make jokes, tell her to open up, or something along those lines. Otherwise she can walk home !

 

[BeExcellent]

Silence and Distance. This is the classic and appropriate response.

You go into observation mode and get busy doing other stuff.

She either pulls her head out of her ass or she doesn’t. Not your problem.

 

[Serenity]

I give ample opportunity for them to come clean, if they don't then it won't take long before I do kick them to the curb. I might forgive if they come clean after that, but until then they'll receive the same treatment, I ignore the fvck out of them. If they do eventually come clean I tell them to never pull that sh!t again or I might not be so nice.

I really hate this type of behavior. I usually apply a ton of pressure until they either run away or they crack, most if the time most people crack and fess up under the threat of immediately terminating the relationship. Yeah, I REALLY hate this behavior.

 

[Jake_Gyllenhaal69]

By leaving the relationship, silent treatment is sociopathic behavior

 

[Barrister]

By leaving the relationship, silent treatment is sociopathic behavior

Not at all. Silence & Distance is not only healthy it also is doing yourself and her both favors. You each are distanced from each other and are able to identify issues more effectively without the person present and also able to see whether the person should remain active in your life.

Assuming she comes back around, which she likely does, your mind is then clear as to whether or not she should be allowed back.

 

[TheCharmingGuy]

Don’t apologize for “whatever you did”. If apology is necessary only apologize after she has told you the exact problem. You just seem like a simp otherwise.

 

[Serenity]

You each are distanced from each other and are able to identify issues more effectively without the person present and also able to see whether the person should remain active in your life.

When people behave like this they know damn well what the problem is, but for whatever reason choose not to address it like an adult.

Silence and distance is good for some things, but avoiding conversation about active problems is not healthy. This course of action is better suited for when both parties fight and can't remain rational.

 

[Barrister]

When people behave like this they know damn well what the problem is, but for whatever reason choose not to address it like an adult.

Silence and distance is good for some things, but avoiding conversation about active problems is not healthy. This course of action is better suited for when both parties fight and can't remain rational.

I disagree. It’s good for a lot things. Not saying there isn’t a time for talking through things in an LTR, but generally speaking S&D is a healthy response for many ailments in an LTR (since I’m assuming that’s what we are referencing).

 

[BeExcellent]

When people behave like this they know damn well what the problem is, but for whatever reason choose not to address it like an adult.

Silence and distance is good for some things, but avoiding conversation about active problems is not healthy. This course of action is better suited for when both parties fight and can't remain rational.

This is a salient point. The problem is that she is being curt and snide and he has utterly no idea why. Potentially it may have nothing to do with him.

In such a case I agree communication is well advised. But I do not put myself out there inviting gratuitous attack either.

So my advice then becomes asking once...”It seems as though something has come up or something is bothering you. I have no idea what it could be. I’m open to discuss.”

If that does not generate a conversation or resolution then employ silence and distance. Nobody has time for idiotic games or passive aggressive behavior.

 

[Serenity]

This is a salient point. The problem is that she is being curt and snide and he has utterly no idea why. Potentially it may have nothing to do with him.

Potentially it could also be a total misunderstanding. Had that happen with a couple of friends once on a trip, both female (girlfriend of my guy friend and her best friend). I made a joke, she thought I was making fun of her, but it wasn't even remotely directed at her. Being best friends they backed each other up, but told me nothing about what the problem was. My guy friend was equally confused, but noticed his girlfriend had an issue with me and told me so. I told him she could take it up with me, but I won't play the games. I had no clue what it was or even when it arose, no possible way to know it was that joke I made (since it wasn't about her after all).

3 fvcking days did I live with the passive aggressive behavior of these two women and there was more days left of the trip before I could escape. By the third day I snapped and put full pressure on both of them to tell me wtf was up, I was VERY angry. Of course they broke down in tears while they explained it. I told them how it really was and explained how dumb they were to keep that unnecessary tension going for 3 days straight, tainting half the trip.

Anyways, they ended up apologizing to me. They could have prevented this massive drama by just asking me about the joke immediately, instead they let it fester into a TV show episode for 3 days.

Yeah, since then I have taken a hard line towards this type of BS.

Nobody has time for idiotic games or passive aggressive behavior.

This is exactly it! I hate playing games and one game is the "on and off" game, that's what it turns into if she deploys the "silence and distance" tactic every time there is a problem and I accept this behavior. It's unpredictable and quite frankly not how a healthy relationship should function.

Now consider how I reacted towards friends, my boundaries are even tighter with someone I'm sharing a house with. I don't even tolerate it in my workplace environment, tell it to my face and get over it.

So my advice then becomes asking once...”It seems as though something has come up or something is bothering you. I have no idea what it could be. I’m open to discuss.”

This is usually how I start, except in the above story since it was the first time I got treated like this so blatantly. I still don't stop at asking once though and I have no intention of changing that. Having someone in my social environment acting passive aggressive over an extended period of time is a bigger drain than just taking it all up front. I'd rather nip it in the bud than for it to grow into a nuclear bomb going off in my face some time in the future.

3 fvcking days for absolutely nothing... Never again! They might not like the confrontation, but I like the slow burning contempt even less.

 

[Jake_Gyllenhaal69]

Not at all. Silence & Distance is not only healthy it also is doing yourself and her both favors. You each are distanced from each other and are able to identify issues more effectively without the person present and also able to see whether the person should remain active in your life.

Assuming she comes back around, which she likely does, your mind is then clear as to whether or not she should be allowed back.

Is the Silent Treatment a Form of Abuse?

The silent treatment can be used as a punishment. Here's more about when it's used and how to respond.

psychcentral.com

 

[Chamber36]

I dont have the patience for a woman sitting next to me and keeping her feelings bottled up.

Especially in the first 3-6 months, if you are in a car your hand should at least be on her leg.

I've had women employ silent treatment because the guy down the street was so nice to her. So I would extract the information if I didn't know what it was, at first of course in a loving way. If she doesn't spill the beans i would call some old plates back up soon as I get home.

You need honesty and open communication. Especially people like us who read up on this.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Not at all. Silence & Distance is not only healthy it also is doing yourself and her both favors. You each are distanced from each other and are able to identify issues more effectively without the person present and also able to see whether the person should remain active in your life.

Assuming she comes back around, which she likely does, your mind is then clear as to whether or not she should be allowed back.

Distance is something that occasionally needs to be used in communication.

 

[Barrister]

Is the Silent Treatment a Form of Abuse?

The silent treatment can be used as a punishment. Here's more about when it's used and how to respond.

psychcentral.com

Oh well this proves I’m wrong I guess. /sarcasm

I am speaking from experience and can tell you it works. You OTOH, resort to pasting some article you probably googled for the very purpose of responding to me. I suggest you keep reading on this site. Your posts clearly show someone who has a lot to learn.

 

[Jake_Gyllenhaal69]

Oh well this proves I’m wrong I guess. /sarcasm

I am speaking from experience and can tell you it works. You OTOH, resort to pasting some article you probably googled for the very purpose of responding to me. I suggest you keep reading on this site. Your posts clearly show someone who has a lot to learn.

You should seek therapy my friend

 

[Barrister]

You should seek therapy my friend

A response that has come to be expected out of you. You seem to have all the answers so I will leave you to it.

Good luck.