How to go about setting boundaries?

[MOTU]

This thread is interesting, has anyone read a good book on the topic they can recommend?

 

[Soolaimon]

Nobody from the boundary crowd is trying to get her exclusive.

What enrages Jurry, Solly and others is that the boundary crew believes a man should define exclusivity when she requests it

Hilarious!

More lying and contradictions coming from you again! You have no clue what you are saying. Can't you see your contradiction again?

First you say nobody from the boundary crowd is trying to get her exclusive.

Then you say you need define exclusivity when she requests it.

That is trying to get her exclusive when you are defining terms to her!

Otherwise you wouldn't even define terms to her.

Nice contradiction!



Who's enraged? I think it is a joke.

Only a beta would automatically define terms on her request.

Who cares what she requests. I'm not going to start defining terms of exclusivity to her when I don't want to be exclusive. If she isn't worthy of an exclusive relationship she doesn't get it from me. I'm not going to define terms just because she wants it. That is what a beta does.

Obviously you never dated multiple women at the same time. If you have you wouldn't automatically start defining terms to one woman on her request. You would make that decision yourself to see if she is worth it among your other women. When she is not worth it you decline that request.

I don't need exclusivity like you guys do by automatically "defining terms" to any woman who requests it.

That is why your relationships fail. You try to define "your terms" to women who are not worth a relationship expecting them to follow your terms.

I've turned women down for exclusive relationships cause they were not LTR material from what I screened. They were not worth my time to be exclusive with.

What is with you with your lying and contradicting all the time?

It is the anti-boundary crowd who cite "possibly losing a quality woman" as a reason for not defining exclusivity.

I've never cited that in my life.

I've said setting exclusivity boundaries is useless when the woman breaks the boundary when she doesn't value you as a man.

Intelligent smart classy women don't need the definition of exclusivity defined for them. They already know what it means.

How would a woman know the rules of engagement is they are not articulated to her?

If she is too stupid to know what they are after, she is not worth committing to

Here is your past contradiction you have cited.

First you say women need to know the rules.

Then you say if she is too stupid to know she is not worth committing to.

I agree with your contradiction!

Stupid women not knowing what "exclusive means" will never understand anything for an exclusive relationship.

Defining "your terms" of exclusivity to a stupid woman is a waste of time cause she will never understand those terms or care to follow "your terms".

But you want to define terms to her with your boundary method.

The reason for you boundary guys having ex wives and girlfriends.

THEY are the ones looking for exclusivity and their fear in defining it is what shows their desire for that exclusivity.

the boundary crew believes a man should define exclusivity when she requests it.

WTF? Nice projection. Terrible contradiction here. Give it up man. Your comments make no sense.

You are the one automatically defining exclusivity when she requests it on her request.

That means you are looking for exclusivity and you desire it cause you are defining terms on her request.

Exclusivity is my decision. Not her's. If she is not worth it I'm not defining terms like you are on her request.

There is no fear cause any idiot should know what an exclusive relationship means.

You have fear cause you are scared of the other men she already has.

You are trying to get her to remove orbiters that she hasn't already cause you don't have high enough value.

My woman already removed all other men cause of my value.

I didn't need to define any terms cause she already knows what exclusive means through her actions of removing other men.

She already did what I wanted her to do.

I didn't need to tell her like you guys have to do with your boundaries.

You boundary guys have ex wives/girlfriends who didn't value you as men to follow your boundary. That is why you had to set boundaries to get your women to behave. You committed to the wrong women cause you desired that exclusivity.

My LTR is over 2 years strong and I didn't need to set any boundaries out of fear like you.

Quit lying, projecting, contradicting.

So its better to set ad hoc boundaries in anger than calmly prior to any violation? Wtf

There is no anger. Learn something about relationships. It isn't black and white like you think.

I guess you automatically just set any boundary for any possible situation that may happen with a woman.

Is that what you did with your ex who violated your terms of your boundary?

That is being insecure!

 

[Soolaimon]

Solly, how is this is even remotely contradictory?

Is English not your first language? Serious question.

Nobody from the boundary crowd is trying to get her exclusive.

What enrages Jurry, Solly and others is that the boundary crew believes a man should define exclusivity when she requests it

His first quote is a lie from what he has been repeating over and over in these threads.

He wants exclusivity so when SHE requests it HE starts defining HIS terms of exclusivity to her trying to get HER to comply to "his terms" for an exclusive relationship.

Can't you understand that? Is that too hard to comprehend?

Reading comprehension courses start up in January for the Spring 2015 semester.

You might want to be first on the list to sign up!




Me I don't care at all. Exclusivity is on MY terms IF I want it. Not when SHE requests it.

If I don't consider her worthy of an LTR I'm going to decline and say no.

I'm not going to start defining terms cause she wants to be exclusive.

He wants to start defining terms when she requests to be exclusive.

That is having limited options.

A woman should already know what the term exclusive means.

These guys believe women do not understand or know the term "exclusive".

That is why they define terms out of fear cause they are scared of the orbiters she already has.

Even if you define "your terms" to her that does not mean she is going to follow those terms when her IL is low.

You guys should know all about that with your failed boundaries you set.

 

[Zarky]

Not sure about all of the above but there was one question about the best way to let women know about your personal boundaries.

For example, let's say one has the following personal boundary: If a woman touches me in a non-loving way, I immediately exit the area.

In fact, I have this boundary because I once had a girlfriend who was constantly pushing and jabbing and grabbing when she was angry. That was her thing and I didn't care for it, because it can escalate into a situation where I punch her in the nose and then, guess what, I go to jail.

So that's a personal boundary of mine. How to I communicate it to any woman in my life?

I can wait until she displays that behavior and then I can implement the boundary by exiting the scene. That's effective, but unfortunately it doesn't communicate the boundary until the boundary has already been crossed.

Another way is to flat-out tell her at some point early in our interactions, "If you ever act violently toward me, I'm out the door." That's fine too, but it's a bit "in your face" and can be a downer.

My favorite way is to tell about prior experiences I've had where other women have crossed my boundary, and the way I reacted. This gets the point across without putting the spotlight on her specifically. And it shows that you've actually implemented your boundaries rather than just talking about them. Even if you have to make up a little story that illustrates your boundary, I think this is a fairly effective way to go about it.

So here are the steps (IMHO):

1) Decide how you value yourself and your personal rules for living your life.
2) Decide which personal boundaries will manifest this worth to yourself.
3) Communicate those boundaries to others in whatever way you deem most effective.
4) Implement the boundaries through your own behavior when necessary.

Again, in my view "boundaries" are not about controlling others' behavior, they're about defining your own responses to others' behavior. If they affect others' behavior, then fine. But if they don't, then they at least allow you to stay true to your own personal values through your responses to others' behavior.

 

[Zarky]

Only a psychotic idiot can say that defining exclusivity when a girl requests it means YOU are the one pushing for it. Especially given the anti-boundary crew has stated that you "may lose a good girl" by defining exclusivity.

I agree but would like to add...

"Defining boundaries" and "setting frames" are two different but related things.

Framing is when you define the reality that makes up your relationship. That is, perhaps, defining (between the two of you) what "exclusivity" (or another term) might mean.

Framing, re-framing, setting frames, etc. is a different topic. Related, yes, but different IMHO.

 

[El Payaso]

I agree but would like to add...

"Defining boundaries" and "setting frames" are two different but related things.

Framing is when you define the reality that makes up your relationship. That is, perhaps, defining (between the two of you) what "exclusivity" (or another term) might mean.

Framing, re-framing, setting frames, etc. is a different topic. Related, yes, but different IMHO.

Just curious. If they're different, how are they related?

 

[SeeThruIt]

In spite of recent circumstances concerning a boundary, I'd like to chime in.

I made a thread about this but the quick gist is this, my ex was flirting with co-workers in my presence during a party. The following day I brought it up and simply stated I'd like that in my presence she not do that.

Well that turned into resentment on her end and she saw this "boundary" as me just not liking her personality and for that reason she ended up breaking up with me.

Now that leads me to wonder if boundaries even work or actually create more problems.

 

[zekko]

the problem is that your girlfriend is a diehard attention w**** and now she's bothered by the fact that you noticed it. She knows it is an innate unchangeable characteristic. your boundary works great, it would have worked even better if you had brought it up at the beginning of the relationship. It may not have even progressed past day one

Totally agree with PairPlus here. Thanks to your boundary, you found out that your ex was an attention wh0re who insists(!) on disrespecting you by flirting with other men in your presence. And if she can't do it, then she's going to get mad at you. Is that really the kind of woman that you want in your life? Now you can move on and find someone better suited to your needs. Remember, boundaries are filters.

 

[SeeThruIt]

Hmm interesting. What's confusing now is when I made a thread about this the consensus was I shouldn't have talked it out/set a boundary because that would lower her attraction, but rather I should have displayed in my actions (flirt with other girls in front of her) hoping she'd see and then bring it up so I could in turn talk about it.

 

[Peaks&Valleys]

Because those men have never dated women like your ex, I have.

Why do you constantly bring up these NAWALT arguments. Constantly.

"your girlfriends don't cheat on you because they're not hot enough."

:crackup:

In fact I had the exact same "my personality cant change I am who I am" excuse/confession.

All this is saying is that you're a weak beta. If what your saying is true, then why would you get into a relationship with these women in the first place.

 

[SeeThruIt]

Because those men have never dated women like your ex, I have. They ompletely missed the fact that your ex was a rabid attention wh0re, because theyve never done it. I have, Repeatedly. In fact I had the exact same "my personality cant change I am who I am" excuse/confession. so of course it follows that they completely missed the fact that it is a plus and a positive that you are out of this relationship and not a negative. I know it is painful and even more painful since you knew better to begin with, but think about the peace of mind you have now.

So these women are convinced they'll just find someone who'll put up with their "personality"? Btw first girl I ever dated like this so it's all new to me.

 

[Peaks&Valleys]

Totally agree with PairPlus here. Thanks to your boundary, you found out that your ex was an attention wh0re who insists(!) on disrespecting you by flirting with other men in your presence. And if she can't do it, then she's going to get mad at you. Is that really the kind of woman that you want in your life? Now you can move on and find someone better suited to your needs. Remember, boundaries are filters.

So three months of dating doesn't tell you if she's an attention wh0re or not? But an overt logical boundary will do that? Having her simply say "yes" to your boundary rules will tell you everything you need to know about her attention whoring?

Holy Christ, this site has officially put itself in the $hitter.

 

[Between_The_Lines]

So these women are convinced they'll just find someone who'll put up with their "personality"? Btw first girl I ever dated like this so it's all new to me.

I think it comes down to how attracted they are to the man in question. In my experience, high level of attraction = "what can I do better to please you?" Low level of attraction = "I don't have to put up with this sh1t"

 

[Peaks&Valleys]

I think it comes down to how attracted they are to the man in question. In my experience, high level of attraction = "what can I do better to please you?" Low level of attraction = "I don't have to put up with this sh1t"

Bingo.

 

[SeeThruIt]

I think it comes down to how attracted they are to the man in question. In my experience, high level of attraction = "what can I do better to please you?" Low level of attraction = "I don't have to put up with this sh1t"

Agree, although in retrospect on the first few dates she did mention her "bubbly" personality and how some guys don't like it. At the time I didn't think much of it as I didn't know it would turn into something exclusive down the road. Maybe she had low interest, maybe she was fed up with guys noticing and saying something. Who knows.

 

[Soolaimon]

In spite of recent circumstances concerning a boundary, I'd like to chime in.

I made a thread about this but the quick gist is this, my ex was flirting with co-workers in my presence during a party. The following day I brought it up and simply stated I'd like that in my presence she not do that.

Well that turned into resentment on her end and she saw this "boundary" as me just not liking her personality and for that reason she ended up breaking up with me.

Now that leads me to wonder if boundaries even work or actually create more problems.

The boundary guys claim the boundary "worked " cause they are delusional and can't function as men without a "boundary".

They are betas and have clearly shown that throughout the threads.

Boundaries are for betas cause without them they can't attempt to dump a woman or notice how $hitty her behavior is. That is pathetic!

This is another fine example that shows how useless boundaries are.




Let's look at your situation in reality with common sense.

You ex wanted to flirt with other men cause she wanted to. That is the free will she has.

She didn't value you or your relationship. She wasn't taking it seriously and was already thinking about dumping you. That's why she was flirting and didn't listen to your boundary.

After you stated your displeasure of her flirting what did she do?

She turned YOU into the bad guy accusing YOU of not liking her personality.

She promptly dumped you and didn't listen to your boundary.

Does that sound like the boundary "worked" to you?

The boundary was useless and was a waste of time.

Women who disrespect you in public and break up with you are women who do not respect you. They don't take you and your boundary seriously.

That tells you that the boundary was useless.

If your boundary "worked" she would have shaped up and listened to you when you told her about it. She did not do that. She dumped you.

Being dissed and dumped by a chick shows that your boundary was a waste of time.

That should never happen!

You should be the one dumping her!

Not setting a useless boundary on a lost cause.



The boundary guys say you need to "define your terms" "state your expectations" "set your rules" with women.

You did that. She didn't care about any of that. She did what she wanted to do like all women will.

Women don't care about "your terms" "expectations" "rules" when they don't care to follow it.

They do what your ex did. They refuse to listen, accuse you, then dump you.

The boundary guys can't understand that and think their boundary "worked". That is a joke.

They need a boundary cause they can't say anything to her (or attempt to dump her) without one cause they are betas.



You don't need a boundary to function as a man or to see her $hitty disrespectful behavior for what it is.

What you should have done is flirt with other women if there were any around and ignored her ass. Let her see you don't give a $hit about her. Instead of putting a boundary to control her $hitty behavior that she doesn't care to follow.

See how easy that is?

You saw that her behavior was disrespectful to you in public.

That is a woman who doesn't value you as a man.

Women who value you and respect you DO NOT behave that way. You don't need a boundary to figure that out like the boundary guys do.

Men with experience will know that and will not need to set "boundaries" after the fact cause they know it is a waste of time and only a beta would do that.

That is not acceptable behavior. You should have dumped her for that.

That is what real men do.

They don't set boundaries or allow themselves to be dumped like a beta when she clearly has no respect for you.

Men are supposed to be leaders. That is not leading by being turned into a bad guy and being dumped by the woman. You gave her all the control to walk all over you. Then these boundary guys think the boundary "worked". How delusional is that?

Putting boundaries on her puts her in control cause she decides your fate.

She accused and dumped you when you should be leading by dumping her for her disrespect.

The boundary guys have it ass backwards and can't figure that out.



The fact is she already planned on dumping you cause she had no interest left.

You telling her about not liking her flirting allowed her to dump you.

That was her whole plan. She knew you would not like it and would tell her about it.

That gave her the green light to accuse you and then to dump you.

You played right into her hands.

The boundary did not "work".

Anybody who think it did is clearly suffering from severe delusion!

Totally agree with PairPlus here. Thanks to your boundary, you found out that your ex was an attention wh0re who insists(!) on disrespecting you by flirting with other men in your presence. And if she can't do it, then she's going to get mad at you. Is that really the kind of woman that you want in your life? Now you can move on and find someone better suited to your needs. Remember, boundaries are filters.

smfh

 

[sylvester the cat]

The boundary guys claim the boundary "worked " cause they are delusional and can't function as men without a "boundary".

They are betas and have clearly shown that throughout the threads.

Boundaries are for betas cause without them they can't attempt to dump a woman or notice how $hitty her behavior is. That is pathetic!

This is another fine example that shows how useless boundaries are.




Let's look at your situation in reality with common sense.

You ex wanted to flirt with other men cause she wanted to. That is the free will she has.

She didn't value you or your relationship. She wasn't taking it seriously and was already thinking about dumping you. That's why she was flirting and didn't listen to your boundary.

After you stated your displeasure of her flirting what did she do?

She turned YOU into the bad guy accusing YOU of not liking her personality.

She promptly dumped you and didn't listen to your boundary.

Does that sound like the boundary "worked" to you?

The boundary was useless and was a waste of time.

Women who disrespect you in public and break up with you are women who do not respect you. They don't take you and your boundary seriously.

That tells you that the boundary was useless.

If your boundary "worked" she would have shaped up and listened to you when you told her about it. She did not do that. She dumped you.

Being dissed and dumped by a chick shows that your boundary was a waste of time.

That should never happen!

You should be the one dumping her!

Not setting a useless boundary on a lost cause.



The boundary guys say you need to "define your terms" "state your expectations" "set your rules" with women.

You did that. She didn't care about any of that. She did what she wanted to do like all women will.

Women don't care about "your terms" "expectations" "rules" when they don't care to follow it.

They do what your ex did. They refuse to listen, accuse you, then dump you.

The boundary guys can't understand that and think their boundary "worked". That is a joke.

They need a boundary cause they can't say anything to her (or attempt to dump her) without one cause they are betas.



You don't need a boundary to function as a man or to see her $hitty disrespectful behavior for what it is.

What you should have done is flirt with other women if there were any around and ignored her ass. Let her see you don't give a $hit about her. Instead of putting a boundary to control her $hitty behavior that she doesn't care to follow.

See how easy that is?

You saw that her behavior was disrespectful to you in public.

That is a woman who doesn't value you as a man.

Women who value you and respect you DO NOT behave that way. You don't need a boundary to figure that out like the boundary guys do.

Men with experience will know that and will not need to set "boundaries" after the fact cause they know it is a waste of time and only a beta would do that.

That is not acceptable behavior. You should have dumped her for that.

That is what real men do.

They don't set boundaries or allow themselves to be dumped like a beta when she clearly has no respect for you.

Men are supposed to be leaders. That is not leading by being turned into a bad guy and being dumped by the woman. You gave her all the control to walk all over you. Then these boundary guys think the boundary "worked". How delusional is that?

Putting boundaries on her puts her in control cause she decides your fate.

She accused and dumped you when you should be leading by dumping her for her disrespect.

The boundary guys have it ass backwards and can't figure that out.



The fact is she already planned on dumping you cause she had no interest left.

You telling her about not liking her flirting allowed her to dump you.

That was her whole plan. She knew you would not like it and would tell her about it.

That gave her the green light to accuse you and then to dump you.

You played right into her hands.

The boundary did not "work".

Anybody who think it did is clearly suffering from severe delusion!

You mad bro?

The boundary forced the issue. Shed some light on this doomed relationship. He was a man. He stated his boundary. She refused to heed it. She left. Case closed. End of story.

Why would he want to be with a woman who did not respect his boundaries and, by association, him? or are you so desperate that you'd sacrifice your own self-respect (guarded by boundaries) to be with a woman who doesn't respect you? that is what it sounds like.

 

[SeeThruIt]

Honestly setting that boundary made me feel more like a "man" than if I hadn't and simply walked away. I see both arguments but I have to go with the idea of a boundary. Granted it may give a woman a way out (oh I know what to do now to push his buttons and make him split/get angry etc) but the fact is, me setting one felt pretty damn good.

And the way she took it, felt more like a surprise that I'd set a boundary. Almost like she never had someone do that before. And maybe that mere thing alone caused her to feel like she has no power and went to the extreme and broke up with me. And yeah maybe it was low interest but having experienced it it felt better stating what I wasn't going to tolerate.

 

[sylvester the cat]

Honestly setting that boundary made me feel more like a "man" than if I hadn't and simply walked away. I see both arguments but I have to go with the idea of a boundary. Granted it may give a woman a way out (oh I know what to do now to push his buttons and make him split/get angry etc) but the fact is, me setting one felt pretty damn good.

And the way she took it, felt more like a surprise that I'd set a boundary. Almost like she never had someone do that before. And maybe that mere thing alone caused her to feel like she has no power and went to the extreme and broke up with me. And yeah maybe it was low interest but having experienced it it felt better stating what I wasn't going to tolerate.

there is no 'both sides of the argument'. soolimain is saying because she did not heed your boundaries means having boundaries is useless. what is the end game here? to keep a woman who does not respect you? or to preserve your self-respect? you laid down your boundaries and stood firm. she decided to leave at that very point. your boundaries were SUCCESSFUL.

having no boundaries is like having no doors or windows on a house. asking for unwanted invasion and robbery of your self-respect/confidence. don't ever allow that to happen.

 

[Soolaimon]

Honestly setting that boundary made me feel more like a "man" than if I haven't and simply walked away. I see both arguments but I have to go with the idea of a boundary. Granted it may give a woman a way out (oh now I know what to do now to push his buttons and make him split/get angry etc) but the fact is, me setting one felt pretty damn good.

And the way she took it, felt more like a surprise that I'd set a boundary. Almost like she never had someone do that before. And maybe that mere thing alone caused her to feel like she has no power and went to the extreme and broke up with me. And yeah maybe it was low interest but having experienced it it felt better stating what I wasn't going to tolerate.

Well if you think being humilated in public by her, being accused by her, her dissing your boundary, her not taking you seriously, her dumping you makes you feel like more a "man" then more power to you!

What did that do for you? You played right into her hands cause she wanted to dump you. That was her whole goal. You allowed that to happen with your actions.

Don't you think dumping her for disrespect on your own terms would make you a real man and give you the power you should have?

That is what a man should do.

Not beng accused and being dumped like you were.

Dumping her on your own terms is not walking away. That is how you should behave.

So you told her you didn't like her flirting. She accused you and dumped you for it. Now she is with other men instead of you.

Yeah your boundary "worked" all right. :crackup: