How to GET YOUR EX BACK...and WHY YOU SHOULDN'T DO IT

Serg897

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Bookmarked.

Wow, this is a fantastic post, and I thank starplayer for digging it up.

This comes exactly at the right time for me as my ex who dumped me is suddenly now warming up to me and fishing for attention more. I still have some emotion for this girl but I realized today that I need to stop thinking about it and leave the past in the past, for my own sanity and well being. This post solidifies that position
 

OFWHAP

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It makes me feel sick knowing that this is such a textbook routine for girls and breakups. The situation the OP wrote out is exactly what happened to me. He even nailed it down to the "I guess I was just confused" line. I'll admit I was a sucker who went back when she asked me to try again. I regret answering that first late-night text. I was truly ready to move on and I let her reel me back in. I've learned my lesson, however. When it's over, it's over. When a girl dumps you, it's a decision that's been weighing her down for a while.
 

sagexx

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BUMP again, since many of us are having the same problem and are seeking answers.
 

Jeffst1980

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wow, good to see this thread is still kickin around on the discussion forum after almost 2 years!


A couple more thoughts:

It's perfectly normal to feel as though the first few girls you date post-breakup just don't measure up. This is when you are at your most vulnerable, because it appears to CONFIRM your oneitis. But, like most emotions we deal with, this is just an apparition created by YOUR MIND. It has NOTHING to do with your ex; quite frankly, she's not that special. If you find yourself pining over an ex, you simply haven't been with enough girls yet. Be confident, however, that those feelings will fade over time, and you will be able to see the breakup from a new, more rational perspective.

The thing is, it's almost politically incorrect to acknowledge that, from a relationship point of view, we are ALL replaceable, and that "true love" is indeed arbitrary. We are certainly not allowed to say those things to a significant other! However, we all must find a way to reconcile this truth with the very real emotions of love and hurt that we feel in the moment--or at least find a way to allow these two to coexist simultaneously. Being a hopeless romantic sets you on a road of eternal despair, and being a cold, emotionless shell of a human sets you on a road of eternal loneliness.

You are going to feel bad after getting dumped. You are going to miss your ex girlfriend and wish you could go back and fix everyone. You are going to worry if you missed out on your chance for true love. You are going to alternate between hating her and scheming to get her back into your life.

This is normal, and simply means you're an emotionally healthy human being, so ACKNOWLEDGE IT. There is no shame in doing so!


On the upside, though--you WILL meet other girls. If you've attracted one girl, you can attract a MILLION girls. Pretty soon, you will find that your one-in-million ex was really one-in-ten, or less.

And-as different as they all might be-you will find over time that the way you see them will essentially be the same. None of them will be perfect, and you will find yourself sick of all of them at times (just as you were probably sick of your ex at times!). You will dump some of them, get dumped by others, and perhaps eventually settle down with THE ONE--but she is THE ONE because you settled down with her, not the other way around.

That doesn't mean that the idea of love is complete bulls#it, only that it needs to be redefined. Believing the soulmate myth is dangerous and will destroy your life if taken to extremes. Caring for and appreciating another person for who they are while retaining the belief that they can be replaced in many ways sounds incredibly unromantic, but it is the healthiest and most realistic definition of love we have.
 

austinsmith

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Jeffst1980 said:
Probably a lot of guys came to this site after being dumped by a girl, and I'm sure ALL of them naturally toyed with the idea of trying to get her back. Here's my thoughts:

A lot of people believe that once a girl's interest goes past a critical point, you're out forever and she will never become attracted to you again. This is not the truth in reality.

If you've been with a girl for over 6 months, she has a certain amount of investment in you. She desperately WANTS to remain attracted to you, and it DOES pain her to end things.

At the same time, she expects you to behave like a typical AFC and beg her not to leave, promise you'll do anything, whine to your friends, and ultimately grow anger and bitter towards her. This, in her mind, is confirmation that she did the right thing.

If you keep your cool, accept the situation, and DON'T CONTACT HER, she will, 9 times out of 10, call you in 2-3 weeks to "see how you're doing." This is because she HASN'T received the confirmation as I described above. If you still remain cool and congruent, you can rest assured that her interest in you will rise up again--EVEN if she "branch swung" to another dude!

It helps, of course, to begin dating other girls, but even if you aren't, this lack of interest in getting back together on your part will crush her ego. She will likely now actually begin to try to "win" you back by asking to "catch up," or bumping into you "accidentally," etc.

At this point, many guys are EXTREMELY tempted to give in and take her back, believing that she's seen the error in her ways. Or, they might believe that they can get "revenge" on her by using her as a FB and then dropping her when they find a "better" girl.

BOTH OF THESE THINGS ARE BAD DECISIONS!!

You can try to fool yourself into believing you can have no strings attached sex with this girl, but you can't. You will start feeling attached, and give her the benefit of the doubt when she tells you WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR so that you'll forgive her.

"I was just confused"
"I've missed you so much"
"I realize that I belong with you"

...are all popular lines. Unfortunately, they don't mean anything when said by a girl that desires the validation of knowing that she can get you to take her back.

If you DO take her back, she won't necessarily do it all again (although the odds are pretty good that she will), but she will have the knowledge that she could. She will uphold the fact that you took her back as a great quality of forgiveness that you possess, but in reality she's just satisfied with the knowledge that you'll always be a "safety net" to fall back on.

Furthermore, the dynamic of the relationship will change now that the cat is out of the bag, so to speak. Initially, you can expect her to do things consistent with a VERY high interest level.

"She came back to me and now she's into me MORE than ever before!" are the gloats you hear from many guys. This is only a temporary spike in interest and doesn't really reflect how much (or little) respect she has for you.

The worst part, though, is the subtle feeling of resentment that you are bound to feel, should you decide to take her back. You may NEVER be able to fully trust her again, and even crave revenge. This is not a good way to go through life.

The reason we advocate spinning plates after a breakup instead of trying to get the ex back is not because the latter is difficult to do. It's rather simple if you are capable of not wearing your emotions on your sleeve. However, it's healthier in the long run to start fresh, with a new girl, with no negative emotions involved.

Would you truly feel comfortable getting married and having children with a girl that broke your heart? You need to answer that honestly. I personally believe that we are ALL entitled to a "perfect relationship" with no breakups or cheating.

I have the same feelings about cheating being a dealbreaker in marriage, UNLESS children are involved (When children are involved, you need to think of how such an event will impact their lives at such a crucial stage in their development). Marriage counseling and attempts to "get past" infidelity are notoriously ineffective. It's simply easier and healthier to start fresh.

Keep in mind that NONE of this is meant to suggest that women are not to be trusted, or have poor intentions, or anything of that ilk. Most of the time, breakups are actually OUR fault. It's up to us to keep their respect, and if we fail to uphold our end of the bargain, they often have no choice but to leave.
Thanks for the good advice nice stuff.
 

TizZle

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This is one of the better threads i've read lately.
 

Chosen1

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My wife divorced me as I said many times before. I told her I won't contact her as much. The funny thing is everybody at work makes fun of her for being fat and kind of lazy. She makes salads and don't move that much and she sweats while doing it. She still wants me to be cool with her and protect her. I'm a freeman now forget that. She called twice yesterday once to talk to my mom and later to probably talk to me. I'm not really interested in talking to her right now. I'm going to get Life and Freedom tattoo on my neck because I will never let her take that from me again.
 

Chosen1

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Let me make another thing clear. Women in America have unrealistic expectations. My ex wife told me she wanted everything. B!tch you work at Mcdonalds and get like 18 hours a week. You will never have everything. You're not even the good looking you look the ugliest in your mcdonalds uniform then any other chick there, even the old ones. Men take comfort in the fact that most of the women that dump you will never be happy. If that sort of thing makes you happy
 

Naughty Ninja

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My last ex was the hitting type. Came from an abusive relationship prior to me and had a father and brother who were drug addicts. I knew the signs were there but family pressure of "being alone" I gave her a chance. She slapped me once because she couldn't get me mad and I know it fvcked her mind up. I told her: "That was the first and LAST time that will ever happen. She swore it would be. A year later she went berserk over a mis-communication. Started swinging etc in front of friends. I actually laughed as it was like I was relieved. Even though we had MANY good times I wasn't having that sh!t especially in todays society where something happens and the man is almost always seen as "at fault". She had wanted to move in with me too. After that 2nd and last incident I dropped her off at home and said goodbye. I NEVER spoke, texted, or replied to ANYTHING she tried to send me to get back. I dropped off the face of the earth.

Fast foward to a year and a half later. I heard from my Dad she's now married with a kid. Thank God it wasn't me. That's how you go NO CONTACT. And I don't give a sh!t if it's Ms. America. I'm worth more than that B.S.
 

Hockey Playa

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Sorry to dig this post up.


How do you appear to be cool and collected, without seeming bitter? Do you respond to texts and just keep it short? Do you ignore her all together? If you have been texting back and forth everyday and you suddenly stop, does that not appear bitter?
 

_TAO_

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Everything he says in this post is exactly what I feel with my girlfriend. Except in this case, I'm thinking what the girl in the post is thinking. When I've taken breaks from the relationship, if she goes nuts and begs me to take her back, I immediately think I must have made the right decision. If she doesn't call me, and I don't hear a word from her, I start to question whether or not I should have done it. And now that I've taken her back, I'm beginning to see her as a safety net that I can always fall back on. Looks like I think like a chick.
 

_TAO_

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@ hockey_playa

I think the intention is to cut her out of your life. So ya, thats ignoring her, but also doing your best to forget about her. Does it really matter if you appear bitter? The whole point is that you're NOT trying to get her back. If you're cutting her out of your life then:

A) you probably have a good reason to do so

and

B) you probably are at least a little bitter

If you have reason to never want to see her again, you probably have a legitimate reason to be better.

Now if you've been texting back and forth everyday and then just stop out of the blue, that's kinda weird. If you want to stop texting her, then briefly explain you're reasoning, and then stop.
 
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