How to get over a large emotional investment?

[paymon]

I broke up with my first girlfriend about 6 months ago. We dated for roughly two years. We had a passionate relationship and we were both each other's first sexual experience. She was a good girlfriend. She took care of me, but I was a jerk, I would not devote enough time to her and treated her badly, but she still kept on. I didn't drink alcohol, and she did, but she put away her old party lifestyle to maintain a good relationship with me. We dated two years and I felt like I just wanted to **** other girls. So, I dumped her, and totally forgot her, moved on completely, etc. I met a few girls here and there, but nothing serious.

Then I got a bit lonely lately since its summer and I talked to her sometimes. I actually wanted to have sex with her with no commitment but I don't think she was feeling the same way. She told me she had sex with another guy recently and had only dated for three weeks, but they are over. Since then its been about two weeks and I am having some trouble getting her out of my head. When I dumped her I knew she would move on and have sex with others, but now that it has happened I just keep thinking of all the good times we had together. I get a bit sad at times, its a very cyclical nature but it happens frequently.

I was fine when I dumped her, but now 6 months later I feel horrible. To fight this, I try to keep busy, I go to the gym very very frequently, I am in great shape, I am very wealthy, I am good looking, but I still feel weak. I don't know what is wrong with me. I guess I am just feeling the wrath of an emotional investment that lasted 2 years.

 

[joekerr31]

how old are you? you don't sound 'mature', but rather in your teens or early twenties.

as for your dilemma.

move on. once you dump someone, its never a good idea to take them back. you've already established that you don't feel they have enough value to warrant being in your life.

even if you change your mind, they will always remember that you made that decision. they may take you back because they are lonely, but over time they will make you pay for dumping them.

the only potential strategy that can be used here is to go to the person you dumped, apologize to them, explain that you feel you made a big mistake, and to let them know you are sorry if you hurt their feelings. THATS IT.

do not ask them out. do not ask them how they feel about you. do not ask to be friends. do nothing other than apologize then walk away.

if they come back to you, then they come back to you on an even playing field. they can't hold you dumping them against you, because you've apologized and it is them who is looking to give things another shot.

unfortunately most people don't do this. they simply go back and say 'i cant live without you. please take me back.' and the reason this backfires is ... it CLEARLY shows that you are JUST as selfish as ever. the ONLY reason you want them back is for your own selfish reasons.

they may not realize this. and they may come back because they are lonely. but deep down they know they are still dealing with a self centered person who hurt them in the past. and their commitment to you will not be genuine but rather superficial (ie. simply to remove their own sense of loneliness). the situation then becomes rather co-dependent and its only a matter of time till it blows up.

personally i think you only want her back because you thought you'd be the mac daddy once you got out there on your own, only to find out that you're just another joe and the girls are no better than what you already had. so while her neediness before annoyed you (im assuming), now you see her as loyal and caring and want that back.

if YOU treated her like crap and YOU dumped her, and if i was giving advice to HER - id tell her to cut loose of you. why does she want someone like you in her life? you're out for number one, even now.

 

[KontrollerX]

Well are you sure its really her that you miss or simply the good comforting feelings that come with being in a steady relationship?

Whatever the case I'd say thats what you need.

Another steady relationship with someone be it her or someone else.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

... So, I dumped her, and totally forgot her, moved on completely, etc.

...
Then I got a bit lonely lately since its summer and I talked to her sometimes.

WTF?!

...
I actually wanted to have sex with her with no commitment but I don't think she was feeling the same way.

Sounds like somebody did move on.[/quote]
She told me she had sex with another guy recently and had only dated for three weeks, but they are over.

...
Since then its been about two weeks and I am having some trouble getting her out of my head.

It wasn't you.

...
When I dumped her I knew she would move on and have sex with others, but now that it has happened I just keep thinking of all the good times we had together.

And none of these things were considered when deciding whether or not to end the relationship?

...
I get a bit sad at times, its a very cyclical nature but it happens frequently.

This happens when you don't live purposely and live by reacting to your your surroundings. You can never get into the grove because the groove is always changing since your basing your actions on external experiences.

...
I am in great shape, I am very wealthy, I am good looking, but I still feel weak. I don't know what is wrong with me.

See, all external things. Who are you? How do you define yourself outside of what you have or how you look? What's authentic and unique about you?

...
I guess I am just feeling the wrath of an emotional investment that lasted 2 years.

You've put was too much of your self definition around the relationship. Find yourself, define yourself. And stop poking yourself in the eye with a needle by talking to her and her exploitations. If you need to bite the bullet and get back with her, then do it but you still need to recognize what defines you as opposed to what drives you.

 

[paymon]

how old are you? you don't sound 'mature', but rather in your teens or early twenties.

as for your dilemma.

move on. once you dump someone, its never a good idea to take them back. you've already established that you don't feel they have enough value to warrant being in your life.

even if you change your mind, they will always remember that you made that decision. they may take you back because they are lonely, but over time they will make you pay for dumping them.

the only potential strategy that can be used here is to go to the person you dumped, apologize to them, explain that you feel you made a big mistake, and to let them know you are sorry if you hurt their feelings. THATS IT.

do not ask them out. do not ask them how they feel about you. do not ask to be friends. do nothing other than apologize then walk away.

if they come back to you, then they come back to you on an even playing field. they can't hold you dumping them against you, because you've apologized and it is them who is looking to give things another shot.

unfortunately most people don't do this. they simply go back and say 'i cant live without you. please take me back.' and the reason this backfires is ... it CLEARLY shows that you are JUST as selfish as ever. the ONLY reason you want them back is for your own selfish reasons.

they may not realize this. and they may come back because they are lonely. but deep down they know they are still dealing with a self centered person who hurt them in the past. and their commitment to you will not be genuine but rather superficial (ie. simply to remove their own sense of loneliness). the situation then becomes rather co-dependent and its only a matter of time till it blows up.

personally i think you only want her back because you thought you'd be the mac daddy once you got out there on your own, only to find out that you're just another joe and the girls are no better than what you already had. so while her neediness before annoyed you (im assuming), now you see her as loyal and caring and want that back.

if YOU treated her like crap and YOU dumped her, and if i was giving advice to HER - id tell her to cut loose of you. why does she want someone like you in her life? you're out for number one, even now.

You are right. I am 20 years old. She is definitely definitely bitter about how I dumped her. She told me I treated her horribly and she cannot believe she let me treat her that way, and that I should never treat any girl like that. I can't get back with her nor do I want to, I just cant bring myself to that level. While I was with her I sort of dreaded her sometimes, but the sex was what kept me in it. It's got to be economics, because when I dumped her I felt great, but now 6 months later after the dust has settled and she is no longer in supply, I feel like I'm missing the world, even though I am really not. Joker is right, I saw her as needy at the time, but once I got back into the field I felt so average. I guess only time and approaching will cure this.

I think what I really need is to find myself, like Francisco said. Also, I am probably missing just pure "comfortable feelings" that come with any relationship.

 

[paymon]

BTW, I sincerely apologized to her a few nights ago. I told her I couldn't believe some of the things I did to her. I told her I was sorry for ending our beautiful relationship so that I could go chase some other *****es. She told me it was okay and that the past is the past. I never expressed any interest in getting back together because I just would not be able to do it, seeing as to how I dumped her and could not hurt my pride, specially considering she has slept with another guy. She said she could give me another chance, not right away but sometime in the future, and I told her that I really ever couldn't. I suppose it's just a matter of time until I am cured

 

[joekerr31]

you are also learning a valuable lesson.

being a jerk will hurt others in the short term but will hurt you more in the long term.

see you could have handled all this differently even at the time.

all you had to do was:

- treated her well in the relationship (ie. give her the respect you want given to you as a human being)
- when you dumped her you could have respected her in doing so. you could have simply said you don't want to hurt her, but you feel that to grow as a person you need to take on the world by yourself for the time being. (that would have left the door open for coming back).

anyway, this is one of the ironies in life. if you treat people nicely and with respect you can basically do whatever the h*ll you want and they will understand and not hold it (too much) against you.

but if you treat people badly and on top of only caring about yourself - well, surprise surprise, not to many people will want much to do with you in the long run.

but this is very common in your early 20s. you spend all your time looking at the neighbours lawn and thinking about how much greener it is and completely ignoring the fact that your lawn looks like sh*t cuz YOU aren't taking care of it.

 

[Dark Chivalry]

She is definitely definitely bitter about how I dumped her. She told me I treated her horribly and she cannot believe she let me treat her that way, and that I should never treat any girl like that.

I'm not mature either, but let me respond.

First of all, this girl is right! She is sweet and loyal but also knows enough is enough and learn from her mistake of being your AFC.

Second, this girl was bitter about YOU and regrets the way she behaved with you.

If you ever get her back, she will not be the girl she was then.

If she has not stopped being bitter about you, there could be the danger of her unleashing it during PMS.

Apologize for being a ****, date others, maybe you meet someone like her or you can even get back with her after a few years if you want that. Most of all find out if you want a girl who is AFC for you(and treat her better to keep her that way) or you like the qualities of the DJ version of her.

 

[paymon]

you are also learning a valuable lesson.

being a jerk will hurt others in the short term but will hurt you more in the long term.

see you could have handled all this differently even at the time.

all you had to do was:

- treated her well in the relationship (ie. give her the respect you want given to you as a human being)
- when you dumped her you could have respected her in doing so. you could have simply said you don't want to hurt her, but you feel that to grow as a person you need to take on the world by yourself for the time being. (that would have left the door open for coming back).

anyway, this is one of the ironies in life. if you treat people nicely and with respect you can basically do whatever the h*ll you want and they will understand and not hold it (too much) against you.

but if you treat people badly and on top of only caring about yourself - well, surprise surprise, not to many people will want much to do with you in the long run.

but this is very common in your early 20s. you spend all your time looking at the neighbours lawn and thinking about how much greener it is and completely ignoring the fact that your lawn looks like sh*t cuz YOU aren't taking care of it.

It's really common in the 20s? That is good to hear. Can you share some experiences? BTW, are you married?

Also, how exactly do I "find myself" ?

 

[RecoveringAFC]

Also, how exactly do I "find myself" ?

Life experience. Get out and experience life. Meet people, travel, get jobs, go to school, read books. Develop some depth in yourself as a human being. Be comfortable being with yourself, as time goes on you'll learn what makes you truly happy.

When you do that you'll find yourself.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

...
Also, how exactly do I "find myself" ?

Only confused, misplaced people need to "find" themselves, how the fvck to you lose yourself anyway? You need to define yourself, authentically.

 

[Cesare Cardinali]

moved to discussion since original poster is under the age limit.

 

[Blusher]

Great advice from Francisco.

Also, I don't know any succesful guy reaching the age of 30 that never ended a good relationship in his twenties simply because he wanted to enjoy a bit of sexual diversity. Now, the most valuable lesson you'll learn from this is that you cannot have your cake and eat it too and that life and the pusuit of happiness are all about making choice and living by them.

So next time you find yourself in a relationship with a quality girl and it will happen somewhere down the line then you will think twice about dumping her. But for now, just live by your choice, enjoy your freedom and accept the consequences. Emotional stability and comfort vs. freedom and diversity is a major trade-off for any guy out there and it takes a few years because you find what's good for you.