How to get in touch with my masculinity?

[GoodOne123]

I think the main part of the reason why I may have trouble with women is because I fail to get in touch with my masculinity, specifically in the context of social situations and communicating with women.

I didn't have a particularly close relationship with my father, and he passed away as soon as I started my twenties.

Maybe because I was not exposed to a significant male role model in my youth I am having trouble getting in touch with my masculinity.

Pretty much most/everything I have learnt about dating has been from my own experiences and help from friends. This has slowed down my results a lot.

Especially since I was raised to think dating and sex is only for serious relationships where you intend to marry the girl, and only for older guys over the age of 18. This belief has damaged a lot of chances I had, and is not suitable for the modern world.

I find myself in an anxiety state when I am around people. I don't show it, and I seem normal but it's just draining. I feel self conscious that I might say something weird or not funny, and people won't see me as a confident masculine man I wish to be.

I self doubt when I talk to women and don't want to ask them out in fear of rejection. I only want to ask them out if they show clear signs if interest.

I want to know how to be more masculine and change all of this, and undo the false beliefs and habits I accumulated over the years. I want to improve with women also.

 

[wolf]

Kind of in the same boat. I throw off a bit of a gay vibe which sort of works for me. I grew up with a Mom and a Sister. The outcome for me was I ended up with a high Testosterone, "thinks like a Man" BPD/NPD chick with major Daddy issues who fears Masculinity in Men. She some how felt safe with a guy (me) who had the mind of a Woman and was never a threat to her own Masculinity. Not having a strong Male role Model really ****s you up on both counts. Sosuave is kind of like the Dad I wished I had. That and trial and error is what teaches me.

Try to hang around with Manly Men and it will rub off you in time.

 

[Masculinity]

Somebody said how to get in touch with me? I'm masculinity. You can just send me a PM

 

[GoodOne123]

Yeah. Me too.



Yeah. Me too.



No, it hasn't. I thrived despite having these same experiences, and I can assure you none of these things are holding you back. I can teach you how to wrench on motorcycles, how to brutally bust someone's balls, go 4-wheeling and how to slap a chick on the ass, but none of that is going to do a damn thing for you until you (and don't take this the wrong way) grow a set of nuts.

Your own fear is draining the masculinity out of you. It's as simple as that. No role model, no book is going to fix this for you with a kiddie glove approach. You have to man up (pun intended) and barrel through the fear.

I know that's easier said than done, and I know walking up to a girl to ask for a date is more than you're willing to face right now. So, what I suggest you start doing is to go for a walk somewhere where there are people; the park, a supermarket....whatever. Every time you see a woman walking towards you, just before you pass each other, say in a very friendly way, "Hey, you look good today" and JUST KEEP WALKING. Don't stop. Don't look back at her. Don't respond to anything she says. Don't say "you're welcome" if she thanks you. JUST KEEP WALKING. If you're in an elevator with a woman and you're getting out while she stays on, say "Hey, you look good today" as you step out. Let the elevator doors close behind you and JUST KEEP WALKING.

This might seem very crude and simple, but it's very powerful. Try to imagine being on the receiving end of this. You're walking around stuck in your own head doing your routine when suddenly someone says to you, "Hey, you look good today". What are you going to think seconds later when that person is gone? Are you really going to give a sh*t if they're pretty or ugly, smart or stupid, socially awkward, in touch with their feminine side or not, etc.? Probably not. You're just going to feel good.

That's what you're doing. You're dropping a little sunshine on someone's day. If ANYONE actually has an issue with that, they're f*cked up in the head and the best thing you could be doing at that point is to just keep walking.

Do this several times a day everyday and I promise you'll start to notice a change in your behavior. Start with that.

Yea you're right, it's sad to say but I need to man the **** up. I just have to accept it that I've lost a grip on my confidence, and start at square one.

I hate this fear in me, and it is true, it's draining the **** out of me in social situations. Man I regret not getting this fixed sooner.

I just have to make sure not to expect any romantic interest from the girls when I say they look good, otherwise I think I may not walk away so soon and they will get the impression I want something from them or I'm needy.

 

[Serenity]

Dig a little deeper when you're not out walking and complimenting women. Reflect on why you're so afraid, be careful not to rationalize. It's completely irrational to have such general fear and anxiety, usually the worst that happens is someone says some nasty stuff to you. Even that's very rare unless you intentionally try to offend someone.

I have a father still, but it didn't help me that much. I still had to find my balls by myself and face the world. Especially now I see how crazy my anxiety was, it was based on absolutely nothing.

 

[AlphaNate]

Why does this post have the tags "dating," "relationship," and "women"?

 

[3agle 3yes]

OP, most of the things you mentioned are just excuses. It's the 21st century in the west, 80% of men don't have masculine male role models...you need to actively search for them (and I'm speaking of mentors in general).

...I find myself in an anxiety state when I am around people. I don't show it, and I seem normal but it's just draining. I feel self conscious that I might say something weird or not funny, and people won't see me as a confident masculine man I wish to be...

Are you an introvert? Because this sound like something an introvert would say. Introverts lose energy when in social situations, I would know this because I am one.

BTW introversion isn't a bad thing and is often completely misunderstood.

I self doubt when I talk to women and don't want to ask them out in fear of rejection. I only want to ask them out if they show clear signs if interest

This is normal behavior, don't expect this to go any time soon.

I just have to accept it that I've lost a grip on my confidence, and start at square one.

I hate this fear in me, and it is true, it's draining the **** out of me in social situations. Man I regret not getting this fixed sooner

I highlighted the most important part of your post. Most psychologists have varying beliefs but there is one thing almost all agree on.

If you want transform yourself, you must accept yourself the way you are first.

Don't hate your fear, fear is a necessary evil, accept it instead. There typically two types of fear, fear of loss and fear of embarrassment. If you can accept that the worst scenario can happen and be fine with it...the fear will disappear.

 

[GoodOne123]

Dig a little deeper when you're not out walking and complimenting women. Reflect on why you're so afraid, be careful not to rationalize. It's completely irrational to have such general fear and anxiety, usually the worst that happens is someone says some nasty stuff to you. Even that's very rare unless you intentionally try to offend someone.

I have a father still, but it didn't help me that much. I still had to find my balls by myself and face the world. Especially now I see how crazy my anxiety was, it was based on absolutely nothing.

I think I know why I'm afraid. I think it must be from my past experiences of being bullied and an outcast at school for years.

I was a very nice kid, but I was too goody-goody, a bit goofy and effeminate. I moved to a school where I knew nobody so I was an easy target. After that people would just say nasty things to me, including girls, just because I was known as a loser thanks to the bullies. I'd be in constant anxiety whether I'd be picked to fight at any day, and id get a negative reaction if I'd talk to girls.

Despite growing into becoming pretty good looking, joining a rock band and being considered 'cool', I still felt like an outcast. People who previously treated me bad changed their attitude and were friendly, but to be honest I felt bitter from everybody treating me badly before so I kept my distance.

I'd say I was quite a lonely kid for these reasons, and still am to a degree nowadays. It might explain why I have this reflex to have anxiety socially, and expect a negative reaction from women.

I know now it's stupid to feel this way, and I try my best to tell myself not to feel anxious or afraid. It just is very persistent.

 

[GoodOne123]

Why does this post have the tags "dating," "relationship," and "women"?

I choose to get in touch with my masculinity, mainly so that my dating and personal relationships can improve. I briefly stated this in the beginning if the thread.

My previous thread post stated that these are the areas my focus is on in my life currently.

I tagged these topics to reflect this.

 

[Serenity]

I think I know why I'm afraid. I think it must be from my past experiences of being bullied and an outcast at school for years.

I was a very nice kid, but I was too goody-goody, a bit goofy and effeminate. I moved to a school where I knew nobody so I was an easy target. After that people would just say nasty things to me, including girls, just because I was known as a loser thanks to the bullies. I'd be in constant anxiety whether I'd be picked to fight at any day, and id get a negative reaction if I'd talk to girls.

Despite growing into becoming pretty good looking, joining a rock band and being considered 'cool', I still felt like an outcast. People who previously treated me bad changed their attitude and were friendly, but to be honest I felt bitter from everybody treating me badly before so I kept my distance.

I'd say I was quite a lonely kid for these reasons, and still am to a degree nowadays. It might explain why I have this reflex to have anxiety socially, and expect a negative reaction from women.

I know now it's stupid to feel this way, and I try my best to tell myself not to feel anxious or afraid. It just is very persistent.

This definitely explains why you're struggling today, I can relate. This type of stuff is indeed very persistent, it's become like a reflex outside your conscious control.

At least you know why you're having this problem and that the reason for it is no longer valid. There's not much you can do about the past, but you can always do a "system restore". For me there was a time before my anxiety grew, a time I was bold and feared nobody. As a child I was like that, but after school I had forgotten who I was. I had become a nervous wreck, but shortly before I joined this forum my pain began to deepen. I still had a will, I was going to find a way and I allowed myself no other way. It was hard, I was intentionally meditating and digging up old memories. I didn't know what I was looking for but I found it eventually. At first all I could see was pain, all the ways I had been hurt and I was vividly reliving it in my mind. Slowly the bad stuff lost it's impact, I started getting flashbacks to before that. Memories I didn't even know was still in there, good memories. I had even forgotten that I was probably the guy talking to the most girls compared to anyone I knew, after school this memory just wasn't there. It really changed me the moment I remembered that.

I'm not saying you should do this, because I pushed myself harder than I probably should have. I didn't really feel I had the energy to deal with it, but sometimes I have an extreme determination and won't rest until completion.

Go back in time and start being the best version of yourself you can remember ever being. I'm pretty sure at least most people have had a glorious time of their lives, but it's easy to lose yourself and forget when bad stuff happens.

 

[GoodOne123]

This definitely explains why you're struggling today, I can relate. This type of stuff is indeed very persistent, it's become like a reflex outside your conscious control.

At least you know why you're having this problem and that the reason for it is no longer valid. There's not much you can do about the past, but you can always do a "system restore". For me there was a time before my anxiety grew, a time I was bold and feared nobody. As a child I was like that, but after school I had forgotten who I was. I had become a nervous wreck, but shortly before I joined this forum my pain began to deepen. I still had a will, I was going to find a way and I allowed myself no other way. It was hard, I was intentionally meditating and digging up old memories. I didn't know what I was looking for but I found it eventually. At first all I could see was pain, all the ways I had been hurt and I was vividly reliving it in my mind. Slowly the bad stuff lost it's impact, I started getting flashbacks to before that. Memories I didn't even know was still in there, good memories. I had even forgotten that I was probably the guy talking to the most girls compared to anyone I knew, after school this memory just wasn't there. It really changed me the moment I remembered that.

I'm not saying you should do this, because I pushed myself harder than I probably should have. I didn't really feel I had the energy to deal with it, but sometimes I have an extreme determination and won't rest until completion.

Go back in time and start being the best version of yourself you can remember ever being. I'm pretty sure at least most people have had a glorious time of their lives, but it's easy to lose yourself and forget when bad stuff happens.

That is a great idea. I have experimented with remembering the good times, however I do seem to relapse back into the bad times.

I should meditate and work on it more intensely. I should be meditating anyway. I'll start with 15 mins a day and potentially increase.

I do think this aspect of my life needs to be made peace with as soon as possible.

 

[wifehunter]

Surely, there must be, an objective example.

 

[Plums]

I think the main part of the reason why I may have trouble with women is because I fail to get in touch with my masculinity, specifically in the context of social situations and communicating with women.

I didn't have a particularly close relationship with my father, and he passed away as soon as I started my twenties.

Maybe because I was not exposed to a significant male role model in my youth I am having trouble getting in touch with my masculinity.

Pretty much most/everything I have learnt about dating has been from my own experiences and help from friends. This has slowed down my results a lot.

Especially since I was raised to think dating and sex is only for serious relationships where you intend to marry the girl, and only for older guys over the age of 18. This belief has damaged a lot of chances I had, and is not suitable for the modern world.

I find myself in an anxiety state when I am around people. I don't show it, and I seem normal but it's just draining. I feel self conscious that I might say something weird or not funny, and people won't see me as a confident masculine man I wish to be.

I self doubt when I talk to women and don't want to ask them out in fear of rejection. I only want to ask them out if they show clear signs if interest.

I want to know how to be more masculine and change all of this, and undo the false beliefs and habits I accumulated over the years. I want to improve with women also.

You just have to grit your teeth and get on with it. Don't take yourself so seriously, you are being too self conscious and beating yourself up too much.
If you are a man, then you are masculine. Just because you are not going about thumping your hairy chest and yodelling, doesn't mean you are not masculine.
It takes time to get to know yourself and test your character. Like losing your father so young would have tested you. You can't pretend to be something you are not so don't.
One day you will meet someone who thinks all the quirky things you imagine about yourself are endearing. In the same way she may hate her nose, but you find it really cute.
Keep well informed with information from diverse sources as it will help you in conversation. If stuck ask lots of questions because people love to talk about themselves. If you don't know about a topic, say you don't know and would they tell you more. Conversation is an art that you can learn easily.
I always think as well that its worth remembering that power doesn't wave its arms about and shout to draw attention.