How to get high status and people to respect me?

[marmar592]

OK, I've been in the community for some long time, I just never posted on this forum.

My success has been getting much better since reading, I can usually # and k close when I go out but I have this huge sticking point that's been with me since I was a child.

I'm not sure why, but I feel that in all groups I always get relegated to the low status roles or sub groups. In school, sports, even my own lair, I always feel I get to hang with the uncool people.
I don't know... I think this is too deep to get it solved on one post on an online forum, but I need all the help I can get.

I think the problem is that I kind of expect this treatment. And while I can recite by memory "you get treated as you expecto to, you make people what they are by your expectations", the HOW to do this TOTALLY eludes me.

So my questions are: How can one become higher status in a group? And please don't say things like "don't take any ****, be the alpha male of the group, blah b lah blah..." I already KNOW THAT. I need to know, again, HOW to do it!

It'll be cool if some people posted personal experiences about this... I'm sure a lot of people went from my current place to where I wanna go. Thanks.

 

[Call_Me_Daddy]

Money, Power, Fame.

Achieve one or more and you shall have high status.

 

[ScrewIt]

how old are you?
There is no key ingredient or secret to jump from A to Z.
First off its a no-brainer that respect has to be earned, and on occasion it's just a given because of the way people perceive you (high status/age/wisdom).

Personally it took me 4 years of my college life to get to where i am, there is no beginning or end - no individual ever stops growing, but those 4 years were the most influential.
All i can say is that it's an accumulation of all your life experiences summed up with the help of maturity and rational decision making.

As for your situation, the harder you try to be the alphamale/leader of the group the less they will respect you. Great leaders dont have power because he wants to be controlling/brag about his strengths, they are great leaders because they just 'are'...he contributes to the cause regardless of what others think of him and he takes on responsibilities even if that means he'll be ridiculed for it. A leader is a leader because he knows what he wants and acts on it, validation from others dont matter to him. in effect followers entrust themselves and their cause in his beliefs because of his capabilties.

A great leader also knows when to back down and be a follower if it's for a greater cause or because he knows he cant live up to his capabilities (perhaps for a number of reasons).

One of the biggest keys in being a leader/ being respected is being a great listener. It's impossible to balance priorities amongst individuals in the group if you dont know the needs of the individuals in that group.

just my 2c.

 

[marmar592]

I think the problem is that whenever I'm expecting (or fearing) to be treated as low status, I see everything as if ppl where doing exactly that.

I'll start a mental note to start looking for things ppl do that show I'm high status...

 

[marmar592]

A guy from another forum posted:

The people I respect the most are those who I can see that they are not trying to get my respect/validation.

Yeah, that's the problem
If I ask myself deeply why I posted this, it was as a way to help myself get validated and that sucks man. I totally see it the same way in my life, the people I give more validation / respect act and look like they didn't care less if they get it or not.

How does one get there? If I don't feel it yet, should I fake it?

 

[Jay Jay]

A guy from another forum posted:




Yeah, that's the problem
If I ask myself deeply why I posted this, it was as a way to help myself get validated and that sucks man. I totally see it the same way in my life, the people I give more validation / respect act and look like they didn't care less if they get it or not.

How does one get there? If I don't feel it yet, should I fake it?

The only way to not care if you get validation or respect is to KNOW you deserve it.

Now as a human being you do deserve it. But a hippy sentence like this isn't going to help.

What you gotta do is have a life. Get out there and imporve yourself and experience ****.

Leave your group for a while and do some cool ****. It is amazing how much your confidence can grow from a little self improvement, success or doing something thats really cool.

When (if) you come back to your old friends they will be like "where you been?"

You'll be like, "yeah well I've been busy, I've.... blah blah blah... what you've been up to? Oh same old ****? Nah, I gotta go, my new friends are doing cool stuff."

One thing I'd like to say is that its hard to change peoples impressions of you. It takes a long time and constant and consistant improvement for them to see you in a different way.

You can get stuck in a ****ed up cycle where your group, by refusing to validate you make the idea that you are not good enough become reinforced in your subconscious. Your attempts to win respect has the opposite effect.

Often the best thing is to say NEXT (yes you can and should say it about bad friends as well as bad babes!) and find a new group of friends where you can start from scratch.

Get angy bro. They have no ****ing right to treat you like that! Use that anger as fuel to go out and do some ****ing good ****! You are better than those ****ers. Now go prove that to yourself. Imagine how good its going to feel when you come back and they are like "dude what the **** happened to you?!"

JJ

 

[oteao99]

:yes:

The only way to not care if you get validation or respect is to KNOW you deserve it.

Now as a human being you do deserve it. But a hippy sentence like this isn't going to help.

What you gotta do is have a life. Get out there and imporve yourself and experience ****.

Leave your group for a while and do some cool ****. It is amazing how much your confidence can grow from a little self improvement, success or doing something thats really cool.

When (if) you come back to your old friends they will be like "where you been?"

You'll be like, "yeah well I've been busy, I've.... blah blah blah... what you've been up to? Oh same old ****? Nah, I gotta go, my new friends are doing cool stuff."

One thing I'd like to say is that its hard to change peoples impressions of you. It takes a long time and constant and consistant improvement for them to see you in a different way.

You can get stuck in a ****ed up cycle where your group, by refusing to validate you make the idea that you are not good enough become reinforced in your subconscious. Your attempts to win respect has the opposite effect.

Often the best thing is to say NEXT (yes you can and should say it about bad friends as well as bad babes!) and find a new group of friends where you can start from scratch.

Get angy bro. They have no ****ing right to treat you like that! Use that anger as fuel to go out and do some ****ing good ****! You are better than those ****ers. Now go prove that to yourself. Imagine how good its going to feel when you come back and they are like "dude what the **** happened to you?!"

JJ

nice advice, I think I'll take a page out of your book.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

A guy from another forum posted:




Yeah, that's the problem
If I ask myself deeply why I posted this, it was as a way to help myself get validated and that sucks man. I totally see it the same way in my life, the people I give more validation / respect act and look like they didn't care less if they get it or not.

How does one get there? If I don't feel it yet, should I fake it?

How do you expect validation from anyone when you can't even validate yourself? At best you'll fool someone who has even less validation than you into believing you are something you aren't.

 

[The Forms]

I typically end up as the life of a party of the leader of a group. If I go to a party and I don't really know anyone, by the end of the night I'm usually running the convo in the coolest group there.

Most of it is just that I know that I'm really intelligent and funny. But when it comes to partys and most informal social gatherings, intelligent me doesn't really come out too much (I'm fine knowing I'm smart, I don't need to be a wet blanket and make sure everyone at the party knows it too). Its funny me that's running the show.

I don't try to come of as intelligent as much as I come off as interesting.

I guess I don't end up at the bottom of the group because it never really occurs to me that that's an option. Or, I don't really think about where I'm fitting in at all. I'm sure if I was at a party saying, "you gotta be cooler, you gotta be cooler," i'd do a terrible job. I'm just being me. But I guess this is the type of vague speak that doesn't help you, right?

I'm not purposely trying to find the "cool" kids and fit in with them. I guess that I'm NOT trying to fit in that helps. I'm just being me. And it doesn't hurt that ME is a pretty rad guy.

I'm sure you've heard the old mantra "to be interesting is to be interested." You'll seem like a really cool guy if you're willing to facilitate a conversation where whomever you're talking to gets to talk about something they really like and you seem interested in it too.

OK, I don't think I'm helping. I'm stopping now.

 

[Delta]

i'm certainly not a bible beater but read old testament proverbs. lots of good lessons on how to behave.

i would guess that you talk too much. come off as too eager to please. come off as wanting to be liked and wanting desperately to fit in.

"smacks of effort".

and if you are thinking and focusing on how you can gain respect for yourself, you're finished from the get-go.

wanting to be exulted over others broadcasts to everybody insecurity. thinking of others and their well being ahead of your own, THIS broadcasts security, strength, someone who has lots of reserves of resources.

in this case, oddly enough, "LOVE" of others really works.

but again, if you come off as doing things for people just to be liked, boom, once again you're viewed as a kiss ass.

in more conventional advice - do you stand up straight and tall. do you look down or actually look people in the eyes. are you indeed constantly nervous in group settings or are you comfortable? do you naturally kiss up to amogs in order to win their favor?

delta

 

[mrRuckus]

Most of it is just that I know that I'm really intelligent and funny. But when it comes to partys and most informal social gatherings, intelligent me doesn't really come out too much (I'm fine knowing I'm smart, I don't need to be a wet blanket and make sure everyone at the party knows it too). Its funny me that's running the show.

You don't know the plural of party, and you don't know the difference between "it's" and "its," yet you want us to believe you're "really intelligent."

This is why grammar is important, kids. Organized language = organized mind. Your long diatribes and big words might impress the "cool" kids but the rest of us intelligent folk are left to question your credibility.

Here come the grammar police comments, but really if you can't get the simplest nuances of language right, you leave serious doubt when you go spouting off about your intelligence. And I'm not even that smart.

I'm usually running the convo in the coolest group there.

Says you.

What makes them the coolest?

 

[Call_Me_Daddy]

Here come the grammar police comments, but really if you can't get the simplest nuances of language right, you leave serious doubt when you go spouting off about your intelligence. And I'm not even that smart.

That's true.

This is like saying "I'm the smartest man here" and then we figure out you can't read.

Makes you look REAL stupid.

 

[The Forms]

One of my biggest pet peeves is a guy who feels the need to play grammar police on message boards. As if we are all writing with as much formal precision as possible, and he wins because he caught someone making a mistake.

Writing here is akin to talking to a friend informally. Getting on someone for misspelling "it's" as "its" is like telling a guy, "Now Steve, you did not pronounce the letter 'G' at the end of that participle. If you don't fully enunciate all the letters people will think you have a disorganized mind."

Maybe you don't quite understand that most of us are quickly writing our thoughts in order to help out a guy with a question. We're not writing essays for an English final. There is no proof-reading going on for most of us. So sometimes we'll leave out apostrophes, or we might spell the plurality of a word incorrectly. It's not that big of a deal. Sorry guy.

But for what it's worth, you have demonstrated to all of us that you have a gargantuan penis because you can tell when people misspell things. Congrats.

 

[Last Man Standing]

How to get high status and people to respect me?

Do deeds that are worthy of respect and have a good charachter!!

 

[Jay Jay]

One of my biggest pet peeves is a guy who feels the need to play grammar police on message boards. As if we are all writing with as much formal precision as possible, and he wins because he caught someone making a mistake.

Writing here is akin to talking to a friend informally. Getting on someone for misspelling "it's" as "its" is like telling a guy, "Now Steve, you did not pronounce the letter 'G' at the end of that participle. If you don't fully enunciate all the letters people will think you have a disorganized mind."

Maybe you don't quite understand that most of us are quickly writing our thoughts in order to help out a guy with a question. We're not writing essays for an English final. There is no proof-reading going on for most of us. So sometimes we'll leave out apostrophes, or we might spell the plurality of a word incorrectly. It's not that big of a deal. Sorry guy.

But for what it's worth, you have demonstrated to all of us that you have a gargantuan penis because you can tell when people misspell things. Congrats.

*stands, takes off hat and claps*

Well said.

JJ

 

[marmar592]

One of my biggest pet peeves is a guy who feels the need to play grammar police on message boards. As if we are all writing with as much formal precision as possible, and he wins because he caught someone making a mistake.

Writing here is akin to talking to a friend informally. Getting on someone for misspelling "it's" as "its" is like telling a guy, "Now Steve, you did not pronounce the letter 'G' at the end of that participle. If you don't fully enunciate all the letters people will think you have a disorganized mind."

Maybe you don't quite understand that most of us are quickly writing our thoughts in order to help out a guy with a question. We're not writing essays for an English final. There is no proof-reading going on for most of us. So sometimes we'll leave out apostrophes, or we might spell the plurality of a word incorrectly. It's not that big of a deal. Sorry guy.

But for what it's worth, you have demonstrated to all of us that you have a gargantuan penis because you can tell when people misspell things. Congrats.

AMEN TO THAT BRO!!!
Ups, I think I forgot the "h" after the bro... :nervous:

 

[n00bPimp]

MrRuckus <- pwned

 

[Jariel]

There are no short cuts, tricks or gimmicks that will get you true respect, otherwise every loser could be the alpha male.

I've elaborated on this more here:

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=77796

 

[danielzxc]

Jay Jay, that's a good post man.

Let me elaborate a bit further.

It's is VERY tough to change the views of people who have known you for a long time. I had this group of very cool friends when I was 18, and most of them were a couple of years older. I was "respected" in it, in the sense that I was never the butt of any jokes (at least not in my presence-- behind my back, probably) and they wouldn't use me or abuse me or anything. But I was very much a follower, and, when you get down to it, I knew my position was closer to the bottom of that group than the top. Now this used to really pyyss me off.

Looking back now, it's kinda obvious. I was the virgin in the group and I wasn't all that street smart about fights and drugs and the kind of things the group was into. They liked me because I was funny and loyal and I was good looking, which fitted into the group image and because girls were interested in me. Basically, i was pretty out of my depth there, so it is not even a bit suprising that I didn't get the kind of respect I so desperately wanted. (Today, I would treat someone like exactly the same way -- though I might have a bit more compassion, because I know what he's going through.)

Anyway, after a while, I improved HUGELY in all of those things I was lacking in, and that certainly helped a LOT in terms of the respect I got from that group. I wasn't doing any of it consciously in order to get respect, but i did notice that the respect was increasing. BUT, those people still believed they "knew" me, and it was very hard to change their minds. And this is even though the awe I held some of the top memebrs in (I'm making it sound like a gang...lol) was greatly reduced, and some of the ones higher than me I almost completely lost respect for.

After a while, I went into other groups, and sometimes "sub groups" of the one I was from, and there, without those "top" members of my previous group to make me feel inferior, I was DEFINITELY one of the top guys, and if I didn't feel so uncomfortable with the idea of being top dog, I probably could have been number one there.

So, to summarise so far, I did change the things I was doing badly or wrong, and I did get a clue about things i used to be ignorant about, BUT it wasn't my normal group that I got the respect from for it, it was from new or other goups (that weren't as familiar with the "old" me).

Well, eventually I did become respected as an equal in my old group, but by that time I had lost interest in them and their way of life so I didn't even care any longer.

To give you specifics, you really need to start DOING things differently. You won't convince anyone with WORDS to see you in a different light. They have to SEE you doing things differently, in a "respect-earning" way. I'm not sure what kind of groups you hang out in, so it's hard for me to get more specific than that. In general, these few will usually all help (usually greatly): fvvking chicks, especially hot ones; getting into fights and either winning, or taking on someone with a rep as a tough guy and at least putting in a decent performance; sticking up for a friend in a fight when you are greatly outnumbered and taking a beating alongside him (or winning even, in which case it's legendary)...umm, there are probably some other ones, but these are solid gold. Unfortunately, living life as a brawler is not something that is really wise or recommendable. (Nevertheless, it undoubtedly works -- that's why stupid, ugly guys, who suck at school work and can't pick up become bad azzes, because it's their one way of getting respect in a world which would otherwise relegate them to the bottom of the social hierarchy.) Getting laid a lot is healthy though, and almost always improves your standing.

 

[Nexus Polaris]

There is a simple sentence that helped two very controversial people rise to the top of their professions. "Walk like you belong." Barry Bonds and Jenna Jameson both used this when they were up and coming.

Ignoring the fact that Bonds has completely destroyed his credibility with steroids, prior to that, he had a hall of fame worthy career. But he always acted as if he was the best even if he wasn't. He called time out to take a bathroom break in the middle of an inning his freshman year in college. That's something you don't do. Especially as an underclassman. But in his mind, they would deal with it because he was of high value. Sure, he got reprimanded by his coaches, but you see where he is now. That same mentality has made him monumentally successful.

Jenna Jameson was by all accounts rather awkward looking prior to finishing puberty. She was turned down the first time she applied for a job as an exotic dancer. But when she entered the porn world, she told everybody if they were smart they'd bet on her because she was about to become the biggest thing the business had ever seen despite not believing a word of that in her head.

But in both cases, they just saw themselves as they wanted to be and acted accordingly. It might be cliché and not what you want to hear, but if you tell yourself something long enough, you'll eventually believe it. How do you think people learn to hate themselves? Nobody is born with it. They get picked on or bullied or told they are worthless. It's the same concept.

My advice to you: be Barry Jameson, and in time, people will be lining up to suck your bat.