How to get back my ex BPD gf

[edgarcrema]

Hi people,

first of all I'd like to thank you all for the precious informations shared on this board.

I'm a 34 yo guy from Italy (sorry for my bad english, usually I speak italian).

I started my relationship with my ex BPDgf a couple of years ago. It took 6 months to win her...I really thought she was the one: she was beautiful, sensual and smart.
After a couple of months her behaviour started to seem truly bizarre. There was a lot of anger in her and I was always feeling guilty for things I haven't done. Usual stuff like gaslighting, projection and frequent mood swings were also present.

At that time I didn't know anything about BPD...and after 5 months of this on/off relationship she left me and disappeared.

After 3 painful months she contacted me and started to triangulate, because my replacement was dumping her.
I didn't know about him and I accepted to see her. We had sex and then, after few days, she was nearly living at my house.

I was the happiest person in the world, for a couple of months we had great sex and loved each other.
Then the weird behaviour started again... she was in T and confessed me that she have BPD. She doesn't cut herself but all the other sympthoms were present.

I read a lot about it and I tried to be the most supportive guy she ever met, cause I would like to make her trust me.
I think I've done a great job and we became very intimate...but it lasted only few months...her needs became more extreme and my tolerance level dropped.

Two months ago I left her, but she was begging me to try again and I gave her one more opportunity. I wanted her to be more independent.
After 10 days (while she was saying I was the love of her life) she dumped me out of the blue. My replacement was already lined up.

Then I called her to swap our stuff. She postponed week after week and then, after a month, I had to force her to do this thing, waiting her coming back from work in front of her house...she was so angry and throw all my stuff in the middle of the street. I was astonished. She left me, she said she didn't love me and then she was acting like I've done all of that...unbelivable.

Right now, I'm struggling with my mental state of mind. I get to be in T and I get to be on meds. I never felt so used and manipulated.
I removed her and her friends from facebook and I'm trying to focus on myself staying no contact. She owe me 800€ and I write her an email about this. But she has not answered yet.

Some days later, I was really upset and I posted a link about BPD (without any reference to her) on fb and when she found it out (I don't know how) tried to call me about 50 times and sent me some bad messages. I replayed some days later telling her to delete my phone number.

That's my experience with BPD and the funny thing is that if she come back I'll probably take her back... she's like heroine.
In the meantime I'm re-building my self-worth and I'm trying to stay strong in order to heal as fast as possible. I'm working on my self-esteem issues to avoid any co-dependency anymore.

BPD is a terrible disorder which not only affect the person who does have it but also the people who love them and care for them. It sucks.

My question are: is it really over? Do you see any possibility to fix this thing? How should behave with my ex? Will she ever change or almost get better? She has done 4 years DBT therapy but she is still a mess...

Thanks,
Eugenio

 

[:-)]

you don't love her. you are just addicted to being treated like sh1t.

explore this and forget this girl.

 

[edgarcrema]

you don't love her. you are just addicted to being treated like sh1t.

explore this and forget this girl.

Yeah, I think you are right.

I'm working in T on my self-esteem which is the cause of co-dependency...and hope to heal soon! I'm still in the FOG now.

Thanks for replying.

 

[MisterSisterFister]

Yeah, I think you are right.

I'm working in T on my self-esteem which is the cause of co-dependency...and hope to heal soon! I'm still in the FOG now.

Thanks for replying.

What smiley face said. BPD are like the heroin of women once you get trapped into there vortex.

This will be the hardest most painful experience but you mush push through. Get your stuff and immediately No contact and I mean absolutely none!

Because any she will continue for months maybe even years to try any game she can to get you. Delete her from your face book, email keep her completely out of your life.

Change her name in your phone to Do Not Answer.

 

[edgarcrema]

What smiley face said. BPD are like the heroin of women once you get trapped into there vortex.

This will be the hardest most painful experience but you mush push through. Get your stuff and immediately No contact and I mean absolutely none!

Because any she will continue for months maybe even years to try any game she can to get you. Delete her from your face book, email keep her completely out of your life.

Change her name in your phone to Do Not Answer.

Thanks MisterSisterFister,
I'm going to take seriously your advice.

She tried to call me but I didn't answer. I tried to get back the 800€ she owes me writing her a mail. She haven't answered yet and I think she will never answer.

It's unbelivable how this people lies and uses non's for their needs...

No contact, i'll put all my effort into that.

 

[Pasternak]

Run!

 

[edgarcrema]

Run!

I know, I have to run! But, believe me, sex with her was something you can't imagine... she use it like an hook and it's so difficult to resist!!

 

[TheSlasher]

This will be difficult for you because it's like leaving a dying and gorgeous woman to rot by herself. This is a lost cause. She has to be fixed. Do this and you will lose your life (either figuratively or literally) in exchange, only to see that barely anything changed. There are only two people in her life who have enough in them to help this woman and that's not going to be you, it's her parents. Give this up. Go away. You'll forget about that 800€ once you've strengthen your finances. Start anew and start now.

 

[TheSlasher]

I know, I have to run! But, believe me, sex with her was something you can't imagine... she use it like an hook and it's so difficult to resist!!

Just go away. I've been in a similar situation, although yours is much worse, but I know how exactly how that feels. Go away. Sometimes, action can precede thought. This is one of the cases where it could work. If you go away from her and not check her social media stuff and most importantly - the ultimate trick to forget anything or anyone - truly focus your mind, body, and action to building your own life, your mind will set itself to forgetting about the girl in question, not because she is a painful memory, but because you have tasked your brain to dedicate itself to something else, to something more productive, more important, and more meaningful, and it has to get rid of many other things (one just happens to be the girl you are talking about) becuase our brain can only do much.

 

[edgarcrema]

This will be difficult for you because it's like leaving a dying and gorgeous woman to rot by herself. This is a lost cause. She has to be fixed, but you will lose your life (either figuratively or literally) in exchange, and the task will still not be completed by then. There are only two people in her who has enough in them to help this woman and that's her parents. Give this up. Go away. You'll forget about that 800€ once you've strengthen your finances. Start anew and start now.

Yes, you are right, I thought I could help her but I can't. And I'm sick now...

Her mother died when she was 9 and her father also has undiagnosed BPD...her sister is bi-polar...so she is alone. She moved from Sardinia to North Italy alone when she was 18yo. She is incapable of trust anyone.

 

[Pasternak]

I know, I have to run! But, believe me, sex with her was something you can't imagine... she use it like an hook and it's so difficult to resist!!

Trust me, I know it. Just 5 months out of my relationship with BPDex. It doesn't worth it. Your self-esteem and your sanity is at stake.

 

[edgarcrema]

Thanks to you both TheSlasher and Pasternak. I lost myself trying to help her and my life has became her life...she isolated me and I feel so lonely now. But I think you are right and re-building my self-worth will help me to let her go.

 

[Rocky_Wayne]

There is no such thing as "the one", only "the best one". Get with times, there are billions of women. Impossible for you to find the best one right away. Plus shes all ****ed up so she cant possibly be the best girl you can find. Shes done with you so you have to move on and find as many girls as possible to find the best one.

 

[sylvester the cat]

Yes, you are right, I thought I could help her but I can't. And I'm sick now...

Her mother died when she was 9 and her father also has undiagnosed BPD...her sister is bi-polar...so she is alone. She moved from Sardinia to North Italy alone when she was 18yo. She is incapable of trust anyone.

there are no excuses. there are plenty of people who got a worse deal in life who don't treat people like shiiit.

 

[soulforge]

walk away from this.... don't look back... wether she is BDP OR NOT... this relationship is f@cked

you can never be with a girl like this, she will ruin you... you are addicted to her & you are addicted to the sex

i was in a very similar situation to you... i was on these boards pretty much for 3-4 months, i was warned time & time again to get away from this chick & i couldn't do it.

she was beautiful, sexy, amazing sex.... but i was addicted & she was slowly destroying myself esteem

i finally got away from her & it was the hardest thing i ever did... it has been seven months since i got away from her

she has made 3 hoover attempts in that time, to get me back into her vortex..

but i aint looking back... i still miss her... but myself worth is back, i'm improving in my career & smashing it at the gym

you need to do the same... GET AWAY FROM THIS TOXIC WOMAN

 

[edgarcrema]

Thank you guys. It is awesome to be understood. All my friends can't help me with this because they don't get it (they have never experienced this).

You all are right. I'm missing the abuse, the toxic behavior, the illusion. I'm going through withdraws of my ordeal, it will pass, just keep focused on my recovery and I'll become a better man!

This video gave me more clarity about myself, enjoy.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=geQ79Bpjjgk

 

[Pasternak]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=geQ79Bpjjgk

"Actually, Borderlines aren't really attracted to codependents and codependents aren't all that are attracted to Borderlines in comparison to the stronger personalities, such as narcissists. Borderlines tend to stay in the cluster B group and either seek out other Borderlines or they try to attach themselves to people that are narcissistically inclined. Since Borderlines dont have a strong sense of who they really are- they are fascinated by narcissists, who boast a strong sense of personality (exactly what a Borderline wants) and because this personality has been cultivated and honed with skill, it has a strong need for attention and affirmation, which the Borderline obliges in order to attach. Borderlines *want* strong people.

Being a strong person may mean that one is narcissistically inclined. That doesn't mean that a person has full blown NPD- but rather, a need for daily life to be a proving ground of good deed doing in order to feel good about themselves. Altruism, for instance, is a fine way to go about life, but it attracts a Waif Borderline like a lighthouse beacon."

 

[edgarcrema]

Thanks for your reply Mauser96. I am sorry to hear that you passed through this bad experience too.
It hurts so badly to know she will never change. And you are right, she is an illusion, a skilled actress.

Finally she answered about the money and proposed to give me back 300€. Obviously she sent me an attacking and nasty email blaming me for everything. And she said that I'm "sad person" (I don't know if it is the exact transalation from italian) to ask for that and she believed it was a gift...

I really don't know what to do now...

 

[skinnyguy]

Wow. Being single is looking pretty good right now

 

[Pasternak]

Wow. Being single is looking pretty good right now

The picture is usually much uglier than the one edgarcrema painted. I'm actually surprised that he doesn't mentioned possible infidelity. Borderlines are not capable of self-soothing like normal people do so they use people to their offset anxiety or get attention. Almost every case involves a third party at some point, they triangulate them with you, these attachments sooner or later progress into an emotional affair and then a physical one. Their impaired empatic capacity will make them act without remorse or guilt. What happens if you catch them? The primitive defence mechanisms brought into play. Denial, extreme projection. At the end, you were responsible for it. They are the victim.

You all have to understand they are emotionally stunted and always out there looking for a "better" caregiver to meet their needs. They consider our worth only as it/when relates to themselves.