How to: from follower to leader, from reacting to initiating

[Cyledehysp]

Long time ago I was completly follower. I would feel bad if I were alone on breakes between lessons in school and for any price I was looking someone to hang, and wasnt doing stuff on my own. On social situations I would hand close to my friends and do what they did.

Later I found out that only someone who leads, who initiates, acts gets the girls (the opposite of me, no wonder I never had a girlfriend). I started to become different person, started to value moments of my ACTING, going my own way, visiting places on my own in social situations. But the changes seem to not go beyound certain point, like there is something deep inside of me holding me down, old ways of behavior not letting me out.

I was seeking different ways of change, using baby steps to obercome my social anty-skills. But I was lacking consistency - I have few CLOSE friends but not much other friends and I dont hang out much outside my home, I dont have much sittuations to practice social skills, I try to make some but its still few and sometimes I got even worse if I feel isolated and alienated (a bit) on a party where I see my friends have no problems initiating convos with strangers.

Its like I m trying to get out of it, but beyound certain point I`m moving in circles and not changing much more. Sh!t, how to finally breake out of it and naturally lead, be center of my own world, dont care how I look in eyes of others and dont feel submissive (as I feel a little in social situations) like I have less of rights than other people (I know its bullsh!t but its deep inside me, damn old patterns). I used to have bad self esteem because in social situations I was rarely initiating any talk, and most of time were talking even a lot only after someone spoken to me first. I am quite introvertive, but it pisses me of too Sometimes I wish I just initiated all the talks in the world but something is holding me back and Id rather sit and think.

I`m seeking to help of a advice from you guys, since I know a lot of people here had too get out of perhaps similar in some ways situation as mine. Any help will be damn cool, thanx guys. This is bugging me for too long and I`m willing to do it this time.

 

[So pimp its scary]

I've gone through much of what you are talking about... and as much as I've improved in that area, there is always room for more.

It's hard to tell someone how to be a leader, but you do have to want to be a leader for people to follow you. Read books on the subject, get a job that forces you into a leadership type of role, or whatever it takes.

 

[Cyledehysp]

Good idea, I`ll check specifically material on being a leader. But my problem is perheps less of net being a super leader, and more of not initiating and feeling less important in social situations, as if my things are below others things, and its deep in me;

I can act normaly and its fine, but just deep there is something holding me, I`m searching for ways to get out of it, a guide from you guys perheps of STEPS of how to deal with it.

 

[Cyledehysp]

To make it more specific - I`m not seeking ways to become a leader for others (ways to talk, behave, body language ect) but for myself, to FEEL naturally the way that leading and acting will follow.

How to tramsform someone I have described in the orginal post into someone who naturally feels like acting and initiating and is centered around his reality and dont cares what others think or do in respect of my own actions - how to liberate myself from my past **** habits and patterns is what I`m asking!

 

[Kaine]

Your problem stems from you own subconscious self worth.

You need to increase your own value to yourself not only mentally but physically. One reinforces the other.

Work on your talents, self improvement, get a little bit mentally arrogant. Then DO.

Believe me, you can change and one day like myself you'll find that little annoying voice gradually replaced by a much more assertive roar.

Find and create value in yourself. From that comes true confidence.

Kaine

 

[Disconnect]

Kaine beat me to it.

Self-improvement is key. If you feel inferior in your social circles, see why that is, and beat them at it. You are looking for places to socialize - how about clubs? Teams or leagues? Or a job? Take a salsa dance class, for example. Lots of fun, get to meet chicks, and learn a very important skill, while at the same time practicing your social skills. Hit the weight room. If you got pipes 10" bigger than all your friends, they would notice. Trust me .

Basically, see where you fall short, and work from there.

 

[DeathDealer]

why do introverted shy people assume they can be leaders? you are BORN A LEADER. you can't make yourself a leader.

If you were a FIRST BORN in the family, you will most likely be a leadership, boss, manager type. And if you aren't it is innate in you. (This only applies if you grew up 3 kids or more sibling household.)

If you grew up ALONE you will most likely be a LEADER. but if you were LAST BORN or middle born, you will never be a successful leader. DON'T WORRY. Yes it means you are permanently a non-alpha person but you can still be independent without the first born/alone born mentality.

In every single movie or tv show, it is always the first born that is next up in line of command.

As a first born, I am against lower breed of children down the line that attempt to become leader or more assertive. YOU CAN'T. The hand-me-down needy baby attitudes come out.

I can always tell who have been a first born or not, very quickly. Those that were first born are more assertive and aggressive towards me than last borns or middle borns.

 

[Cyledehysp]

Thanks for yer replys.

I was actually first born. (are you sure about your theory, never heard of it, anyone else...?) I also lived in alcoholic family (my father) not really dramatic but I heard its not healthy. I also in highschool was rather shy and couldnt deal with verbal abuses/being laugh at (not much actually, but it pays socially to this days a little - it seems). I used to not react good at groups of people ect. Things have been changing, but as I said above - only to a certain point.

I will certainly work on improving myself for overcaming this social disorder, focusing on improving for that specific reason should help in motivation. However, as I said above - I dont have ambitions in becoming a true leader just for the fvck of it - it perhaps isnt in my blood so to speak - but I DO have ambitions in being free and doing whatever I want, and not suffer from stuff that is deep inside of me from my past and is holding me back and holding me back.......

And it is in this that I seek help and have already recived some from you guys, and that I really appreaciate. I would appreaciate even more some more input, as this is rather important for me. thx.

 

[thefonz]

Originally posted by DeathDealer
why do introverted shy people assume they can be leaders? you are BORN A LEADER. you can't make yourself a leader.

In the words of my grandfather......"Bollocks!!!"

 

[So pimp its scary]

I tend to agree with thefonz... EVERYONE is born with the same potential, its just how much of that potential that people utilize that makes the difference.

People can easily learn to become leaders, but like I said, you have to really want it. You have to have a vision for the people that you are going to lead, and where you are going to lead them, etc, etc.

 

[LADawg49]

Man I truly know what u goin through and yesterday I phukked up big time in class doin some of the same stuff. In my drama class, me and four other students had to read a play and then discuss it in front of the class. I kinda read but could not understand some of it so when we go to class, professor says to classa assigns the students to a group in which me and the other three would be tellin our group the story and all. I wuz phukked up cause I didnt know nothin so I was lookin all lost and not like a real leader. Man I felt like **** after class, but realized I can't let it get me down.

 

[Royal Elite]

IM GROWN!!!!!

This is the number one factor going through my mind that makes me very extroverted compared to my friends who arent. Being Grown to me means that I dont have to listen to anybody (except law enforcement of course). I can say what the hell I want, because I wont get put on punishment. I will not get a beating or in any trouble for speaking my mind. There is no teacher, or parent over me insuring I say and do the "right" thing.

Most shy people move like they will get in trouble for saying what they want too, or like there is someone standing over them with a whip.

Practical exercise:
1. Try to remember all the things as a child you looked forward to when you became an adult. Now realize you are an adult and you are free to do whatever the hell you want-in reason of course.

2. Try to keep thinking about the consequences or trouble you can really get into for speaking your mind.

3. Keep reminding yourself you are GROWN!!!!!!!!!

 

[earthshyne]

Birth order and leadership

There are heaps of studies done on exactly this sort of thing.

A good one, well documented and researched, is available here: http://www.luf.nl/downloadbestanden/artikel.pdf.

 

[Double]

to FEEL naturally the way that leading and acting will follow.

do you think some words will make you NATURALLY dominant? work out man it's the only proven way!

 

[smoke city]

DeathDealer, with all respect:
You are absolutely full of CRAP. There is no biological evidence for what you're talking about.
Earthshyne--that article should really be taken with a grain of salt. It doesn't *prove any link between being first born and being a leader.

clydehysp--just keep at it. the others gave good advice. YOU define your reality according to YOUR belief in this respect--you might not be winston churchill, but you can always improve.

 

[Devestator]

Deathdealer,

You've never had friends who overcame anything, just people who live out their scripts according to birthorder, environment, etc? What boring friends!

And biologically, since alphas mate more, we have more alpha genes anyway. Actually we don't know what we're genetically capable of until we TRY.

You won't inspire any loyalty in me with your attitude.

You have one good point. You don't have to be the "leader" of a group. It's a role for certain administrative types and it won't necessarily get you the most respect. You can be more alpha than the leader by being more valuable to the group than the leader. Who's more alpha? The coach of the Bulls or Michael Jordan? A medel of honor sergeant or his captain?