How to fix social ineptness?

[Kal0051]

Ok, apparently I have no social awareness. I met up with a girl over the weekend at a club and apparently she didn't want me to show up (she was with her friends). She didn't tell me not to come but I couldn't tell that she didn't want me too. Anyway I went, made her uncomfortable, her friends didn't like me and acted hostile towards me. Now she doesn't act anywhere the same as before. I know all this because I had a talk with her, needed to know if it was something I caused (better to know than be ignorant, right?). Now, I doubt she's interested in me because making her uncomfortable had to of killed all attraction (assuming any existed before). I might hit her up in the future but I definitely need to give her some space. But thats beside the point, what I need to know is how do I fix my social incompetence? I need to do this if I want to have any success in the future with women (this is probably where all my problems are).

 

[Sir_Turtle]

Best solution that I've ever heard and one that i use to help myself. Talk to everyone. You want to get good at talking and entertaining? practice. every time you get into an interaction with someone talk to them.

Learn to pick up on subtle hints on when people don't want to talk, get a feel for whats normally friendly and whats overkill.

learn to break off a conversation before it goes down hill. Learn how to be goal oriented.

Learn to pick up on natural opportunities to talk, when someone makes a comment near you.

TALK to EVERYONE even the "socially awkward/ugly" people you'd rather not talk to, when they do and say things that make you uncomfortable you can learn from that and NOT do those things

The best way to get better at interactions with people is to interact with people.

Remember,girls are people, getter better with people and you'll get better with girls.

 

[Kal0051]

I know most of that, what I meant was that I couldn't pick up on the fact she didn't want me there (although at first she was enthusiastic about introducing me to her friends). And I didn't realize I was making her uncomfortable.

 

[Jazzman19]

I know what that is like Kal0051, I have some of the same problems. My biggest issues are not stopping a conversation topic when it should be stopped, and not sensing when someone is giving off the "please walk away so I don't have to be rude and tell you to walk away" vibe.

I am going to ask an honest question- did you have a lot of friends growing up? I did not, from 13-18 years old. I had issues with OCD/Anxiety, and my friends didn't know how to deal with how the disease made me act before I got it under control. Because of this I became a bit withdrawn, pretty much afraid of being "hurt" by people. What got me out was my ex-fiancee of all people. She loved who I was as a person, and worked with me on my social issues.

Since we were engaged for one year, from when I was 17-18 years old, she made a point to MAKE me socialize. When I did, she would point out in a polite way when I was acting social "inept" in certain situations. By doing that, she broke me of a lot of bad habits. The only two I haven't broken are the ones I listed earlier; the first because I love to just talk to people as much as I can, and the second because I don't always pay close attention. Perhaps a buddy who is socially gifted and is easy-going with you might help as a "wingman" in this situations?

 

[Kal0051]

I know what that is like Kal0051, I have some of the same problems. My biggest issues are not stopping a conversation topic when it should be stopped, and not sensing when someone is giving off the "please walk away so I don't have to be rude and tell you to walk away" vibe.

I am going to ask an honest question- did you have a lot of friends growing up? I did not, from 13-18 years old. I had issues with OCD/Anxiety, and my friends didn't know how to deal with how the disease made me act before I got it under control. Because of this I became a bit withdrawn, pretty much afraid of being "hurt" by people. What got me out was my ex-fiancee of all people. She loved who I was as a person, and worked with me on my social issues.

Since we were engaged for one year, from when I was 17-18 years old, she made a point to MAKE me socialize. When I did, she would point out in a polite way when I was acting social "inept" in certain situations. By doing that, she broke me of a lot of bad habits. The only two I haven't broken are the ones I listed earlier; the first because I love to just talk to people as much as I can, and the second because I don't always pay close attention. Perhaps a buddy who is socially gifted and is easy-going with you might help as a "wingman" in this situations?

I don't have the same problems as you. My problem was just that at the time I didn't realize things that I do now. She said she's fine with it and only told me because I asked but who knows because she's "confused".

 

[Jazzman19]

Ah ok, no problem then. I will bow out and let another answer this, since its an area I am not familiar with. Good luck though!

 

[Mr_rogers]

Yeah, I totally can relate with the OP. Asperger's Syndrome sucks.

 

[Waking Up]

Speaking of which, are there any Aspergers DJs that broke through anyway? I don't have Aspergers per se, though I have a couple of its symptoms in regards to socialization.

 

[Kal0051]

I don't think I have Asperger's though, I'm just clueless sometimes. Because I saw things clearly later on, but I wish I could have done so in the moment.

 

[Luke Skywalker]

Why don't you go into detail about how things broke down on your social failure. What happened? Were you just a stiff / low - energy there and just killed a vibe? Or how exactly did it fall apart? Are you an introvert?

This is exactly the reason why I hate people sometimes.

 

[Kal0051]

Why don't you go into detail about how things broke down on your social failure. What happened? Were you just a stiff / low - energy there and just killed a vibe? Or how exactly did it fall apart? Are you an introvert?

This is exactly the reason why I hate people sometimes.

I'm assuming your talking about this specific incident. Well, there were 2 things. One, I didn't get the hint that she didn't want me to go, she's not the type of person to just say no. And two, I didn't see that I was making her a little comfortable which in turn caused some of her friends to act hostile towards me, and they then tried to keep her away from me. I should have seen both of those things (I can now) and just not have gone or left when I overstayed my welcome.

 

[Luke Skywalker]

I'm assuming your talking about this specific incident. Well, there were 2 things. One, I didn't get the hint that she didn't want me to go, she's not the type of person to just say no. And two, I didn't see that I was making her a little comfortable which in turn caused some of her friends to act hostile towards me, and they then tried to keep her away from me. I should have seen both of those things (I can now) and just not have gone or left when I overstayed my welcome.

How long were you interacting with her? 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 1 hour, a few hours?

 

[Alle_Gory]

How long were you interacting with her? 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 1 hour, a few hours?

And the middle age social retard gives advice.

This old guy, Luke Skywalker has a very bad reputation. Lives at home with parents, virgin, chooses not to have friends... etc. You've been warned should you want to take his advice.

 

[Kal0051]

And the middle age social retard gives advice...

Kal, watch out who you listen to buddy.

lol, not really looking for advice on this subject, not really something someone can help with by giving simple advice. I just answered his question.

 

[horaholic]

O.K. Back up a step or two. The question you should be asking is, why didnt she want you to be there in the first place?

As far as being clueless goes; just get in the habit of always being aware of others reactions. We naturally know how to read body language. If they are showing negativity towards you, then, you need to give them value. Tell a story or a joke, buy a round of shots, something. Or, just walk away, but you're better off turning the situation around by doing something to make people like you more.

 

[darkstarrr]

maximum exposure to any and all different kinds of social situations will help you overcome ineptitude

 

[Luke Skywalker]

And the middle age social retard gives advice.

This old guy, Luke Skywalker has a very bad reputation. Lives at home with parents, virgin, chooses not to have friends... etc. You've been warned should you want to take his advice.

...and how exactly am I giving advice here by asking the poster to clarify what occurred on the interaction he's writing about here?

You are not interested in helping this dude out so I guess you are happy he is suffering with his social problem since you are more interested in attacking me than helping this dude out. That makes you a useless troll.

Do you want me to hunt every post you make and put a hateful remark and start a fvcking war? You are asking for it.

 

[Alle_Gory]

Do you want me to hunt every post you make and put a hateful remark and start a fvcking war? You are asking for it.

It's a free country, go ahead.

 

[Paradox]

It's a free country but not a free forum. There are rules here and posters can (and have) been kicked out for not adhering to the forum rules.

While I admit that it is strange that Luke is giving advice (Go figure), he has a right to give it.

Fighting and flamebaiting however is not tolerated.

You don't like someone here then put them on your ignore list.

To access your ignore list

1. Click on user CP
2. Look on the left hand side. Go to Miscellaneous
3. Click on "Buddy / Ignore Lists"
4. Add person you want to ignore
5. Click on update ignore list button

 

[Vader]

learn to break off a conversation before it goes down hill. Learn how to be goal oriented.

That is something harder to do than it sounds. Have to work on that more.

Were you invited or just show up? If you just show up with out friends there yourself it would make her uncomfortable.