how to deal with those pesky Ex's

[Demodulate]

Girl I am seeing has an ex who keeps contacting her..

they broke up early last year, I guess he gets drunk and treats her poorly..

it was a LDR on top of that.. he is in the reserves..

her family adores him, wants them to get back together..

she recently told him there is someone else, but he doesn't care

flowers, letters, constnat text messages, FB friends posting pictures of them together..

she told me this weekend that he planned to come down for valentines day, but she said no.. he is trying to patch things up so he can come.. tickets are already bought and payed for.

her family has no idea about me, she keeps telling them we are just friends..

the family is offering to put him up when he visits, etc..

I am not even sure what to do anymore..

we aren't official, so I cant tell her to stop talking to this guy..
if anything his betatude is driving her into my arms..

but her getting texts all night while I am sleeping next to her is getting old..

the guy goes from trying to be sweet, to nasty, back to sweet.. she doesnt reply, and he basically goes ape ****..

how do I handle this?

Walk?

 

[st_99]

well, its just one of those things. breaking up a relationship is a process for a lot of couples so if you're seeing her early in this process, this is the unfortunate consequence. its a bad timing thing.

nothing you can really do but laugh. maybe ask her to switch her phone to silent at night or tell her to hit the road because you need your sleep..

 

[Demodulate]

It is up to HER to deal with her ex. If she really didn't want him bothering her, she could find a way to block him. Sounds like her interest is divided right now between old and new. (In woman-ese She's "confused.")

The only thing you can do is adjust the attention you give her. I would tell her, "I can see you and your ex still have issues to work out. It's better if we hit pause until you figure out what you want. Call me when you've moved on."

As long as you're giving her some of her needs (sex, companionship) and he's giving her others (drama) she'll keep feeding from both teats.

***Quick edit - the word woman-ese without a hyphen is now censored? Did Jezebel buy this site?***

i know what you are saying is the right thing to do, but I feel like if I say that now, then she will green-light him to come down..

and then my hand will be forced, and he will in essence win..

as I will not take her back..

 

[st_99]

why are you catching feelings over some girl you're dating that happens to have an afc ex who she still comunicates with?

you said "we are not official" but you're acting like it. this is simply a laughable nuisance. but you're analyzing it like something has to be done, nothing has to be done. if she's annoying you just tell her to go away.

 

[Demodulate]

Then you'll know what her priority is. Isn't that better? If you're not her priority, better to figure that out now than waste time in a love triangle.

If what she wants is to be with her ex, you cannot change that. You might wake her up by letting her know you're not a back burner option for her though. Or, you'll wake her up to the fact that she wants her ex. Either way - better for you.

I just feel that telling her we are going to "pause" the relationship while she works out who she wants is basically giving her an out for him to visit.. and if anything happens we where on a pause and its OK..

I could tell her how I feel, but that would be "beta"..

so my options are, don't care and hope she does the right thing.. if she doesnt than just walk..

tell her we are taking a break while she figures out what she wants, and hopes she picks me..

or tell her I want to be exclusive and if she doesnt want to be, walk.


13 year age difference as well.. dating younger woman can be such a chore.

 

[st_99]

how long have u been dating this girl

 

[Demodulate]

why are you catching feelings over some girl you're dating that happens to have an afc ex who she still comunicates with?

you said "we are not official" but you're acting like it. this is simply a laughable nuisance. but you're analyzing it like something has to be done, nothing has to be done. if she's annoying you just tell her to go away.

you pretty much nailed it..

after 4 months I am starting to think of us as a couple.. but we arent..

 

[st_99]

you pretty much nailed it..

after 4 months I am starting to think of us as a couple.. but we arent..

well there u have it. 4 months is really nothing, especially with a young girl.

you have no choice but to continue gaming more girls and get an attitude of abundance not scarcity.

 

[origin138]

The only thing you can do is adjust the attention you give her. I would tell her, "I can see you and your ex still have issues to work out. It's better if we hit pause until you figure out what you want. Call me when you've moved on."

Samspade nailed it. With regard to his comment above, her likely reply to your withdrawal of attention will be something like "Oh, I'm totally over him, it will never go anywhere, we are done, I promise" etc etc etc.

It's at this point you want to remind yourself that as a man, you are to be watching her ACTIONS. Her ACTIONS speak the truth and are often incongruent with her words. Most men will back off when they sense rejection is firm and set in stone. I have to ask why he keeps trying to contact her. My hunch is that he is getting attention from her when you're not around, then when you are around, he rages because you have her attention.

Withdraw yourself in self-preservation until she womans-up and deals with her ex like an adult.

 

[bukowski_merit]

samspade is spot on with everything he's saying. Follow his advice and prosper...

I just wanted to hit on something that stuck out to me...

the guy goes from trying to be sweet, to nasty, back to sweet.. she doesnt reply, and he basically goes ape ****..

She's enjoying this a lot more than you can imagine.

It's important that you say he's going back and fourth between emotions. If he only showed one side - it would not work.... I've had women show me messages where a guy is acting like this... Sending her 100 messages in a night that make him appear bi-polar/crazy.... The women will ask me things like, "Should I get a restraining order against this guy?"

All I can do is chuckle... Knowing in the back of my head that in a month - she'll probably be with him as a "happy couple" again.

He's being her emotional roller-coaster at the moment (and you add a little spice to it) - but be warned - if he stops (finds another woman) - you might not be enough to satisfy her need for this new-found drama. And there's a good chance - she'll create her own.

This is speculation .... But it's very informed and experienced speculation...

It's more typical than it should be...

 

[Demodulate]

The problem you are in here revolves around her playing around or entertaining other men as a possibility whilst you have no other options.

If she has not yet pushed for exclusivity then you need to get out there and generate more options.

As it is right now, she is leaving all of her doors open, which has you now in the position of losing your only source of intimacy.


Since it is usually a bad idea to push for exclusivity, the best you can do in my estimation is treat her as a FB+ where you hang out and fvk, but are not exclusive. If she continues to entertain her ex as an option or ever meets with with him, then you just leave her for someone better when they come along.

Whatever you do, if she meets the ex or spends any time with him, do not reward her with a relationship or exclusivity at *any* point in the future. Regardless of the bs she feeds you about closure or whatever words her hamster spins up. She has removed herself from the long-term prospect pool.

I appreciate the advice.. I think its pretty much my only option..

I just want to explore the first part of your response..

options... lol..

at 37 dating girls in thier twenty's most of my friends envy me.. but finding viable "options" is getting more and more difficult.. unless I lower my standards and date 30 somethings with hella baggage and single mommies..

good looking 20 somethings always have options.. that is just the way it is..

I just now came to the realization that she had to have been hanging out with him when she went home for the holidays..

plans must have been made or implied then.. but now I think she is realizing that if he does come, I am gone.. this is why they are fighting..

anywho, ill see what happens next week..

edit..

I also want to know at what point do I take a stand and figuratively "fight" over a girl..

 

[Demodulate]

A girl worth keeping will never put you in a position to have to "fight" for her.


The only fighting you should ever have to do is that of constantly improving yourself, and you should be doing that for your own benefit, not for another.

good stuff..

thanks for all the advice gentlemen..

I hope she does the right thing.. but my walking shoes are ready..

 

[origin138]

good stuff..

thanks for all the advice gentlemen..

I hope she does the right thing.. but my walking shoes are ready..

I'm looking forward to seeing how this turns out. Keep us posted.

 

[Victory Unlimited]

Demodulate,


Unless I missed it, it appears as if you NEVER really answered the most OBVIOUS question.

After 4 months of boning it like you own it, after 4 months of basking in the glory of successfully pulling a younger chick, and after 4 months of you admittedly thinking of the two of you LIKE you're a couple:



Why AREN'T you two a couple???







.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Demodulate,
Whilst never a fan of the Ultimatum,there comes a time when a Man has to draw a line in the sand and say,So far no further,its him or me...I gain the impression your lady friend is enjoying being the subject of an emotional tug of War,great for her ego,but not doing much for you...high time this little drama was finished!

 

[Demodulate]

Demodulate,


Unless I missed it, it appears as if you NEVER really answered the most OBVIOUS question.

After 4 months of boning it like you own it, after 4 months of basking in the glory of successfully pulling a younger chick, and after 4 months of you admittedly thinking of the two of you LIKE you're a couple:



Why AREN'T you two a couple???







.

up until this weekend I never really questioned it I guess...

I didn't realize I was competing with anyone..

honestly now that I have digested what is going on, I am pretty much resigned to the fact I am over whatever it is we had, because she in the end has been shady about it.. maybe the age difference was to much for her to overcome, maybe she still wants the ex, IDK.. either way she doesnt want to commit, and thats fine.. ill just stick her on the back burner and ride out the sex as long as i can..

 

[Demodulate]

Dear Demodulate,
Whilst never a fan of the Ultimatum,there comes a time when a Man has to draw a line in the sand and say,So far no further,its him or me...I gain the impression your lady friend is enjoying being the subject of an emotional tug of War,great for her ego,but not doing much for you...high time this little drama was finished!

that would require me essentially saying I want commitment out of her... I don't want to get married.. she is aware of this, and asking her to commit to me when I know she wants to get married one day would just be wrong..

so there it is..

the ex pursuing her has his road map laid out.. he wants to marry her, have 2.5 kids and a white picket fence.. if thats what she wants then so be it.. I know I am not going to give it to her..

 

[Demodulate]

Update..

She told the guy to buzz off and he finally took the hint. He never came down, I got some naughty photos for valentines day, I didn't get her a thing.

I just played it cool the entire time, kept myself busy, evidently it was all in my head..

things are going great, we are both super busy, but we find time for each other once or twice a week.. honestly now that MY insecurities are dealt with for the time being I am happy with the way things are..

in short..
things turned out fine, I was projecting my own insecurities on the situation.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Demodulate,
Oh how the little darlings love a situation like this...Men fighting over me,Oh why was I born so beautiful?....They see themselves as something out of a Sir Walter Scott Novel,with rivals jousting for their favours LOL....But at the end of the Day they feel contempt for the ex,particularly if he treated them badly in the past,and didn't they all?...In some way she is giving encouragement,not necessarily overt,but don't worry this business won't go on forever,one or other will tire....For what it is worth,a Man who spins plates,is less worried by such a situation!