how to deal with this girl - sms enclosed

[Igetit!]

i SENT!

"<her name> i had a REALLY bad day yesterday. i've had some time to think about my message and it was completely unreasonable (partly <my friend> wound me up about u cancelling which im embarrassed to admit). what u said makes sense. i understand and LIKE that we are both independent people. i never want to suffocate you, just we had only seen each other once in three weeks, that's all. go ahead and take some time to yourself. you've got enough on your plate as it is, you dont need me breathing down your neck i'll talk to you later... <my name>"

will keep the board updated...

Ah,so you went with my suggestion I see. Good. However....


I wish you had thrown in the "french maid" comment I advised.


I wasn't trying to be a smart-alek with that part,THERE IS A REASON WHY I put that in there.



Her attraction for you is still there I think,but it seems to have gotten a little low. I threw the sexual comment in there as a way of giving it a boost,to effect her EMOTIONALLY.


You make her feel attractive,feel sexy,feel desired by a MAN,then she'll naturally,ON HER OWN want to come see you.




She'll want to see you because she likes the way you make her feel,NOT BECAUSE of you whining or pressuring her.




That's what you want. You want her to come see you of her own will,not because you nagged her into it.




Nevertheless,now you need to BACK OFF.

Leave her alone. Lol,she doesn't know what she's in for.


She wants space? Fine,give it to her.


Don't call her,don't text her,don't do NOTHIN'. Just go on about your life.


Now,when you do this,she's going to miss you,so she'll probably try to call or text you.


Man,I HATE typing out the same thing over and over again.



Just go back to reply #12. I explained what to do whenever you back off and the girl tries to contact you.


Just follow that,and you should be ok.



This is a little bit different since you two contact each other by sms instead of talking by phone.



Hmm. You're not going to like this,but you may need to stop replying to her for a while.


She said she wanted space,right? Well you can't give her space if you keep going back and forth with these sms messages.



To be honest,she really DOESN'T want space. She just wants you stop acting AFC,that's all. She just wants you to stop behaving in ways that turn her OFF.



Well,you sent her the sms. So your next move should be NO CONTACT.



Just live your life,and LEAVE HER ALONE. Give her the space she says she wants,and that'll include no further sms from you.



Leave her be. Soon she'll realize that there's nothing in her life to need space from,then she'll come contacting you.


You can respond,but....

1)Keep your responses brief.

2)DO NOT... ask her out or try to see her

3) Don't contact her first. Remember,she wanted space.


And if she suggest you to getting together,then follow what I said in reply #12.


I know it's tempting to just jump up and say yes if she tries to see you,but there's some underlying "issues" you need to content with concerning her,some things you're not aware of.


Also,this situation that made you come here to this forum,you don't want it to keep popping up from time to time.


You want it to be resolved for good,or at least be able to keep it in check.



Anyway like I said,this was just intended to be a last ditch effort,a "Hail Mary" pass.



So let's see how it works out.


Ball's in her court. Your next more is No Contact for a while.




Edit: Proselytiser...

Yeah,he did alter it a bit. Also,he left out the sexual comment I put in there,and I put that in there FOR A REASON.

Even though he changed it a bit,let's hope it still has the desired effect.

For now,he just needs to back off

 

[ThatMysteriousGuy]

A lot of very good advice for you here in this thread. You made a significant errors that everyone has made but you seem to want to get on the right track.

One thing you can do immediately....be extremely careful with text/email because there's a copy she can read over and over virtually forever.

If you say some things out loud and screw up, fine, you can fix it right away. In fact, if a girl has a very high interest level that you've created you can actually accidentally say some of the most AFC things ever once in a while and smooth it over instantly by playing it off as a mock of a weak dude and laugh it off.

You CAN'T do that when she is alone somewhere else reading your message over and over to analyze it.

 

[thecurtainfalls]

Wow, you have gotten some majorly good advice in this thread man.

I don't have much else to add except that in my experience, any time you are "laying your cards on the table", or actively talking with a new girl about your "relationship", whatever that may be, you've usually already lost.

Especially with hot girls... you NEED to pass the tests that they throw at you to prove that you're socially "literate". There is very little room for error with these girls. You need to always, always be perceived as caring less about the interaction than they do, or you've likely already lost.

The instant you tried to use logic and convince her to see you, you announced to the world that you are very invested in this interaction, and you made your intentions uncomfortably clear-- not in the direct, masculine way, but in the AFC "please go on a date with me" way.

You have to make the process as smooth and NON-AWKWARD as possible for a girl like this and convey an air of "I'm cool, I'm discrete, I've been here before". Like I said, there's very little room for error, as she wants to feel confidently led, not desperately pursued.

Hope that made sense. If not, just read everything IGetIt! wrote a few dozen times over and you should be good

 

[seano99]

ok for everyone following this, she called me last night after that sms and ended it.

i really appreciate you guys and your advice, hopefully i can help others in the future, and learn by these mistakes.

agreed MysteriousGuy about how an sms can be analysed over and over, and a downfall here was not trying to move all communication to the phone. i will try to do that next time with a girl like this.

this relationship was doomed from the minute it started because then i became an obligation, not a choice....

the things she ran over on the phone:

that she maybe wasnt as excited to see me as much as she was at the start. NO SH1T!

that ever since her previous controlling possessive ex bf, when she lost all her friends, life, self esteem, etc, so now she puts her friends #1, her health gym and wellbeing #2, career #3. before guys. NOT FOR THE RIGHT GUY SHE WOULDNT!

she has built back her independence and life from scratch since that relationship and doesnt want things closing in on her again.. THIS HAPPENED WHEN I AGREED TO EXCLUSIVE

she was more into the idea of me, than actually me ARENT WE ALL

that she is happy with her full life and realises she isnt ready for a commitment. MMM....

this all sounds really bad, and i think HONESTLY without her previous loser bf, i would have had a better shot here... because she went at me HARDCORE with her backing away tactics on DAY 1. perhaps this girl is more a product of her past than my terrible game with girls. my game started to suck when she pulled away the day after we became exclusive, so i DO think that commitment freaked her out, and that's when she felt obligation to us, hence backed away and put distance between us, of course leading to this thread...

now she did try to make me feel as tho i was at fault here, and this thread would agree with her clearly. being involved in the actual situation and knowing myself as a low maintenance guy. IT TAKES A LOT TO PUSH MY BUTTONS AND GET THE RESPONSE SHE WAS TRYING TO GET. last night i laid in bed for hours running thru events in my head, and decided that i didnt want her putting that on me cause im not the headcase. im a good guy, not possessive or controlling no matter how she wants to paint me. she chose to back away..

so i did send her one last sms just to tell her like it is... because she will come to realise i was right here, maybe not today, but in 6 months - and in sending this sms i probably pissed her off - but nothing to lose here... me being one for LOGIC and reason, i wanted to make her she knew that i knew her game. make it clear SHE TORPEDOED a great thing for no reason other than her subconscious fscked up test that i FAILED.

i said, for the hell of it... and i thought this was GOLD at the time.. curious on you guys thoughts on it, if anyone cared enough to share.

"hey i just wanted to let u know in case u didnt realise, you changed the nature of our relationship the very next time you saw me after i said i didnt want my out and we agreed we had a hot bf and a hot gf. by this i mean you started backing away. i'm pretty certain the outcome had nothing to do with my sms, they were after the fact. i send this sms respectully, i just wanted to let you know. much love, i really enjoyed those first 2 months getting to know you. ive missed you since the 9th nov. <my name> x"

my theory too, is that the girls i have the best connection with are the ones who think more with logic and reason, and girls that can relate more to guys. these girls would not pull this TEST i FAILED, and it was suggested to me that these are therefore the high quality girls... and maybe the girls that implement these "games" such as *the 1 sh1t test everyone fails*... are the low quality ones.

maybe that's a new thread, and i might start it when i've had time to chill a bit. i guess my last text is pretty crappy too, and further justifies her decision, but this was OVER 3 weeks ago. i had nothing to lose, im not getting back with her under any circumstances. i just wanted to tell her i was onto her. and that she made it crash and burn.

ugh

so thats that.

RESOLVE

for a girl like this, i need the game.

for a girl who thinks more like me, i dont need so much of the game.

next time, i play it cooler with personality types like this, thanks to you guys i know what to watch for.

much respect and peace.

 

[seano99]

Wow, you have gotten some majorly good advice in this thread man.

I don't have much else to add except that in my experience, any time you are "laying your cards on the table", or actively talking with a new girl about your "relationship", whatever that may be, you've usually already lost.

Especially with hot girls... you NEED to pass the tests that they throw at you to prove that you're socially "literate". There is very little room for error with these girls. You need to always, always be perceived as caring less about the interaction than they do, or you've likely already lost.

The instant you tried to use logic and convince her to see you, you announced to the world that you are very invested in this interaction, and you made your intentions uncomfortably clear-- not in the direct, masculine way, but in the AFC "please go on a date with me" way.

You have to make the process as smooth and NON-AWKWARD as possible for a girl like this and convey an air of "I'm cool, I'm discrete, I've been here before". Like I said, there's very little room for error, as she wants to feel confidently led, not desperately pursued.

wow man, good advice here... cheers, im putting that in the notepad file

 

[tafakna]

these girls would not pull this TEST i FAILED, and it was suggested to me that these are therefore the high quality girls... and maybe the girls that implement these "games" such as *the 1 sh1t test everyone fails*... are the low quality ones.

Oh man oh man.

As I said, what you call 'games' are in reality psychological forces that will always be there. You're bound to fail again and again, or settle for meaningless relationship while you don't accept this.

But you're young and you have time to learn...

Just remember when this happens again (because it will)... that... "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, while expecting different results"...

 

[ThatMysteriousGuy]

my theory too, is that the girls i have the best connection with are the ones who think more with logic and reason, and girls that can relate more to guys. these girls would not pull this TEST i FAILED, and it was suggested to me that these are therefore the high quality girls... and maybe the girls that implement these "games" such as *the 1 sh1t test everyone fails*... are the low quality ones.

I really hate to break this to you, but it has to be done. What you think are girls who think with more logic than emotion are actually:

Girls Who Are Not Emotionally Stimulated By You.

It's not a "best connection" that's making you feel you relate to them it's:

Girls Who Consider You To Be A Fellow Girlfriend.

It's not about girls who don't pull tests, it's:

Girls Who Aren't Interested So They Don't Bother Testing.

Spend time reading through the DJ Bible and other sources rather than trying to re-invent the wheel.

It'll save you a lot of heartache and wasted time.