How to deal with this girl after No Contact?

[fidel]

Hey guys, first post, here’s my story. Hung out with this girl who lives in my apartment complex for like a couple of months. We’d hang out (no sex, both from a slightly more conservative/orthodox culture) like 3-4 times a week and things seemed to be going well. Then, out of the blue, she turns hostile, I may have said something to turn her off but I’m not sure what triggered the reaction. Me, panicking, start acting needy/beta a couple of times (two times max, 10 days apart). She then messages me about how she wants an easy friendship and doesn't like pressure or people expecting things from her. I replied saying that will be tough, she was a little rude and we’re better off not staying in touch. She apologized saying she only said what she felt. I get rid of things that remind me of her (delete FB etc.) and begin no contact. This was three months ago and we have run into each other 5-6 times since. Every time we ran into each other she'd smile a couple of times and greet me. I would acknowledge her and walk away.

The NC period was/is hard and I have been fighting urges to text her, go and talk to her etc. for I know her routine and places she’d be at a certain time. Was dealing with it better every passing day but a couple of days ago, out of the blue, she comes up to me asking me about my tablet (seriously) and how she’s considering purchasing one of those. She spoke like nothing ever happened and I casually answered her and walked off.

Now, I’m getting the feels again and would like advice. How do I take it from here? Go and talk to her? Wait for her to come talk again and then pitch a meet? Don’t want to take her back right away for she stomped all over me the last couple of times we met (pre-NC). Seeing her talk with other guys in a flirty/joking manner is getting a little hard. Also thinking of moving out of the apartment complex when my lease expires at the end of the year if things aren't sorted out by then.

Cheers.

 

[Reckoning]

From what I see anything further with this girl would be flogging a dead horse, since you didn't make all the right moves last time around.

If you really care, you could pull some stunt like a really fun and original date and make her work for your time from there, make her initiate contact more etc.

 

[fidel]

From what I see anything further with this girl would be flogging a dead horse, since you didn't make all the right moves last time around.

If you really care, you could pull some stunt like a really fun and original date and make her work for your time from there, make her initiate contact more etc.

Yeah, this is fairly accurate. Was/Am fairly beta. Been conflicted, thinking that I should wait for her to initiate contact with a more relevant conversation than a discussion about a tablet. She still hasn't given an indication that she wants anything more than a friendship and I'm a little worried that me asking her out may backfire again and we'd be done for good.

 

[HeadLightsOn]

OP

You're not going to get anything from this girl that you 'want.' You cannot think your wants and needs into her brain and get a response from her that you want. I know that sounds dumb, but I think that's what you expect.

Also you moving out because of her? Absolutely not! It's a tough lesson but you need to sort the very beta stuff that you have going on.

Probably not what you want to hear. I tell you one thing- if you turn up with a nice looking girl on your arm and she sees you, she won't be asking you about computer tablets!

 

[Building_and_Loan]

What do you mean by "she turns hostile?" Can you remember if you did/said something to piss her off? It very well may have had nothing to do with you, and she may have just taken it out on you. Not that that's ok, but just saying.

If you still like her, just wait for her to initiate contact again. You don't initiate contact with her. Anytime an ex (I know she's not technically an ex) reaches out to you, assume it's because she wants to see you again. I mean come on, she could go to anyone on earth to ask them about their tablet, or look up information online, but she chose you.

Keep any text conversations extremely short, literally just one message in return from you saying "hey I'm doing well, come join me at xx bar tomorrow night and we'll talk", and that's it.

If she says no, then move on. If she says yes, game on. But you gotta get physical with her and not be relegated to be one of her girlfriends.

 

[fidel]

What do you mean by "she turns hostile?" Can you remember if you did/said something to piss her off? It very well may have had nothing to do with you, and she may have just taken it out on you. Not that that's ok, but just saying.

If you still like her, just wait for her to initiate contact again. You don't initiate contact with her. Anytime an ex (I know she's not technically an ex) reaches out to you, assume it's because she wants to see you again. I mean come on, she could go to anyone on earth to ask them about their tablet, or look up information online, but she chose you.

Keep any text conversations extremely short, literally just one message in return from you saying "hey I'm doing well, come join me at xx bar tomorrow night and we'll talk", and that's it.

If she says no, then move on. If she says yes, game on. But you gotta get physical with her and not be relegated to be one of her girlfriends.

By hostile I mean, she would reply with short answers without looking at me. There was also a very condescending vibe to whatever she would say, often mocking. It all started a week after I asked her out to a sport event which she declined. I went anyway with a few friends and she happened to see a few pictures (most pics were group pics, so I guess that can't have annoyed her). I didn't talk/text her for like 4-5 days after that partly because I was a little annoyed. She then came up to me one day and spoke about pics from the sport event I went to, how my social life was so cool (so much sarcasm) and how she is going for a concert with all her friends, didn't even bother inviting me along and I never asked. That freaked me out and then I acted beta twice after that but by then she had turned indifferent and would start flinching if I'd touch her. After that I went no contact for I realized I couldn't let that continue especially with the tone in her text messages.

I appreciate the advice man. I just wanted some assurance that I should indeed wait for her to initiate contact again.

 

[fidel]

OP

You're not going to get anything from this girl that you 'want.' You cannot think your wants and needs into her brain and get a response from her that you want. I know that sounds dumb, but I think that's what you expect.

Also you moving out because of her? Absolutely not! It's a tough lesson but you need to sort the very beta stuff that you have going on.

Probably not what you want to hear. I tell you one thing- if you turn up with a nice looking girl on your arm and she sees you, she won't be asking you about computer tablets!

Yeah man, I was thinking of moving out because of her for it gets tough to watch her getting flirty with other guys. I do tell myself to toughen up often but then often wonder what is the point of it all. If she is out of sight then there's a better chance she'll be out of my mind. I mean I was dealing with NC better every day and even started going a day or two without thinking about her, but her coming over for a conversation has suddenly got me anxious again.

 

[Reckoning]

You're head over heels, and she's barely interested. It's not a big deal for her to talk to you occasionally, but every time she does you lose your mind. Give her minimal attention (as in, you are acquaintances and that's it) and try to get some other pretty thing in your vicinity, if she sees her all the better.

 

[fidel]

You're head over heels, and she's barely interested. It's not a big deal for her to talk to you occasionally, but every time she does you lose your mind. Give her minimal attention (as in, you are acquaintances and that's it) and try to get some other pretty thing in your vicinity, if she sees her all the better.

Yeah, I know. I am making a conscious effort to give her minimal attention and get over her. But as you said, being head over heels and running into her occasionally is throwing me off. Hence the plan to move out.

 

[Reckoning]

If she's the only reason you're gonna move out, it just shows how much power she has over you. Man the fvck up.

 

[fidel]

If she's the only reason you're gonna move out, it just shows how much power she has over you. Man the fvck up.

That is actually the only reason. Guess it's a good challenge for me to man the fvck up as you say.

 

[fidel]

Just wanted to post an update to understand how to take things from here.

After the last time we spoke in July (tablet discussion), I didn't choose to initiate contact and decided to wait for her to come and talk. She is pretty, confident, stubborn and has guys lining up for her, so a good 3 months go by with us not talking and barely acknowledging each other a handful of times. Then came a Halloween party and we somehow ended up at the same place. We again barely acknowledged each other and proceeded to hang out with our respective friend circles. A couple of days after the party though, she comes up to me and starts asking about my weekend as though things were like before. We speak for 30 minutes about what we've been up to in the time that's passed and the awkwardness we had seemed to subside. Then after another couple of days of not talking, I message her asking her about an event she was to attend. She never replied, but the next day she came up to me and apologized for not replying and we chatted for may be 10 minutes.

How do I take it from here guys? I'm very hesitant to constantly message her first given how me being needy last time killed it off. Should I wait some more for her to come talk to me and ask her out? Should I just ask her out right away? A little confused here and would like some advice.

Thanks.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Just wanted to post an update to understand how to take things from here.

After the last time we spoke in July (tablet discussion), I didn't choose to initiate contact and decided to wait for her to come and talk. She is pretty, confident, stubborn and has guys lining up for her, so a good 3 months go by with us not talking and barely acknowledging each other a handful of times. Then came a Halloween party and we somehow ended up at the same place. We again barely acknowledged each other and proceeded to hang out with our respective friend circles. A couple of days after the party though, she comes up to me and starts asking about my weekend as though things were like before. We speak for 30 minutes about what we've been up to in the time that's passed and the awkwardness we had seemed to subside. Then after another couple of days of not talking, I message her asking her about an event she was to attend. She never replied, but the next day she came up to me and apologized for not replying and we chatted for may be 10 minutes.

How do I take it from here guys? I'm very hesitant to constantly message her first given how me being needy last time killed it off. Should I wait some more for her to come talk to me and ask her out? Should I just ask her out right away? A little confused here and would like some advice.

Thanks.

Don't do communication unless it leads to a hookup. Screw some females in her friends circle, that will get her communicating more often.

This one might just be too busy for you.

 

[El Payaso]

She's just attention seeking.

 

[parkthebus]

I agree somewhat with Payaso. Surprised no one else picked up on it. Here's what I think. You had a window to **** her and you didn't. You have probably given the signals you want to **** her but your beta game had not worked. She didn't want your advances so she turned hostile. She probably got back in touch to use you for attention. But not 100%. If you are capable of it, you need to make your intentions very clear but indirect. If she doesn't show high interest (and I mean high because she knows you well enough to know if shes interested) then you know shes not into you and just wants an orbiter. In terms of your mentality, I would be happy to private message to discuss in detail and help you sort that out.

 

[pyros]

how many guys are currently in this forum asking about how to win back a girl that IS CLEARLY NOT INTO THEM ANYMORE?

OP, she is not into you. Just face the truth for god's sake.
Dont do anything, just forget about this girl.
There is nothing you can do because she is not interested in you.

A no ser que quieras perder el tiempo y darte cabezazos contra la pared claro.

 

[HoneyHitter]

She got mad cause you led her on, yet wouldn't give her the D. You wasted her time.

You need to grow up, fidel. You are lacking a lot of basic knowledge concerning women and relationships. Most likely, you are young and have never ****ed a woman in your life. Moving out of your appartment because you will see her with other guys is a childish way of dealing with this situation.

Young girls want sex. That's the lesson you learned with this girl. If she's really "conservative" she will tell you "no". Until then, keep escalating towards sex. Go on with your life the best way you can and there will be many new girls you can start over with.

Winners don't dwell on their losses.

 

[fidel]

Fairly unanimous here guys. I did realize a while ago I missed out and have been making an effort to move on. Just wondered if her recent attempts at contact meant anything and if I should contact her more often. Think I'll just have to let this one go.

And no, I'm not moving out of the apartment complex. I decided against that a while ago.

 

[fidel]

Thank you so much bradd80. Amazing post.

 

[fidel]

Ok, so this is latest update:

I took the advice here and started being aloof with this girl. Started working out, I even started dating another girl (didn't work out too well ), and was minding my own business. We ran into each other a couple more times in November but kept the conversation short and casual. Then in December, we just don't talk at all despite the occasional greeting from afar. No christmas wishes, no New year wishes, nothing.

Then, out of the blue, in the first week of January, one day she comes up to me asking me what's up with my personal life, if I'm dating someone. I reply not right now, to which she starts suggesting I try Tinder and other dating sites. There's no harm in giving it a shot. (I mean who says things like that). I was like, yeah, I am on Tinder blah blah and I just casually asked her what's she been up to to which she replied saying she's just been busy with work and stuff. I wasn't curious and so didn't bother asking if she was dating someone (she isn't and hasn't for a while according to a few common friends). We just basically caught up with things AGAIN and it was a casual conversation for around 30 minutes. We run into each other the next day too and I'm still not entirely comfortable with asking her out. We chat for a brief while again, the vibes all friendly and chatty, unlike the slightly awkward vibe in November. Been 10 days since and no word, nothing.

It's almost like she comes back to mess me up and then walks away. Did I screw up by not asking her out these last couple of times? I didn't want to come across as needy/desperate and so thought that I'd take my time. I'm doing well though and am very comfortable living without her and not seeing her, as it's been a while now since I first made the initial post, but it can get tricky to not think about her after we've had a chat.

Any suggestions on how to take this further/ how to act and so on? I'm fairly convinced about not doing anything and waiting for her to chase me, if she does at all. Just thought of asking in case there are obvious signs I'm missing out on.

Thanks.