How to deal with shy women

[killerasp]

Hey guys. Ive been dating this girl for awhile now and though we have fun when we go out, i have noticed something about her:

1. She doesnt voice her opinion on things we talk about
2. She doesnt seem to open up to me unless i dig for information
3. She is willing to do whatever i want when i go out (never says: i dont like this..this is boring..lets do something else)
4. doesnt express her feelings verbally which leaves me in state of confusion.

Correct me if im wrong, but it seems like she is your typcal nice/shy girl. It also seems she doesnt have high confidence.

The girls ive dated in the past were the total opposites of her. i dont want to break it off b/c i really dig this girl. these are just mere obstacles that i will find a way to break trhough.

I know im gonna need to put some time and effort into this to make it work, so do you guys have any suggestions on trying to have her break out of her shell and become more comfortable around me?

 

[white belt]

Tell her that you are sick of her crap! In my opinon shy girls are always a bit weird and addressing their shyness can open up a can of worms. This is not to say all are like that just the ones I have met man, shy girls can be manipulative, they pull a face thats says 'you have hurt me,' you know the face I mean. When I see this face I usually stay well away

 

[killerasp]

i was planning to deal with it indirectly.

i dont think pointing out stuff like this or anything is a bit insensitive and plain mean. I am sure there are ways to slowly loosen the chains.

 

[Weak_Game]

Tell her that you are sick of her crap! In my opinon shy girls are always a bit weird and addressing their shyness can open up a can of worms. This is not to say all are like that just the ones I have met man, shy girls can be manipulative, they pull a face thats says 'you have hurt me,' you know the face I mean. When I see this face I usually stay well away

please dont listen to white belt... he is obviously very very far from advancing to the next let alone getting his black belt...

I wouldnt say they are obstacles. Sounds like you got yourself a great girl. She dosent talk much, she does what you wanna do. Enjoy it. If anything i would say increase her comfort zone. Shes prob just feeling you out still. Maybe she dosent know where you guys stand. How long have you guys been seeing each other? Are you dating is there a title? Dig into her interests a little. Get her to laugh.

 

[killerasp]

please dont listen to white belt... he is obviously very very far from advancing to the next let alone getting his black belt...

I wouldnt say they are obstacles. Sounds like you got yourself a great girl. She dosent talk much, she does what you wanna do. Enjoy it. If anything i would say increase her comfort zone. Shes prob just feeling you out still. Maybe she dosent know where you guys stand. How long have you guys been seeing each other? Are you dating is there a title? Dig into her interests a little. Get her to laugh.

We have been "dating" for about a month..month and a half. And i think you are right, she doesnt know where we stand and hell..nor do i. I plan on going out with her this weekend and try to clear the air between us. i am confident everything will turn out alright.

There is a reason i use quotes around dating. Ive known her for over a year now. There was some serious sexual tension that you could cut wiht a knife. But during that time, i wasnt in stable place to start dating again. But now that i am, i finally made a move and so far its been paying off.

 

[white belt]

No like I said not all girls are the same, it is the shy girls that I know who are well ****s.:cuss: It is strange however that a girl that you have been dating for a month is at least beginning to open up. I would still address the question directly but you have to build up the trust first, try doing what the other guy said about being ****y and funny. Although be carefull to much C+F on shy girls puts them of I find.

As for the white belt analogy I call myself white belt because when people begin the hang of some endeavour or even get remotely good at it they tend to stop in there tracks close there mind, they have it 'handled,' so its not about the black belt althought that will come it is the continuous learning that counts always trying to progress, corny but true.

 

[crazylegs2]

Hey.. this is crazy... I am having the same exact problem..

1. She doesnt voice her opinion on things we talk about
2. She doesnt seem to open up to me unless i dig for information
3. She is willing to do whatever i want when i go out (never says: i dont like this..this is boring..lets do something else)
4. doesnt express her feelings verbally which leaves me in state of confusion.


I have been dating her for about 2months myself.. We don't see each other except for on the weekends... She doesn't call often nor i... But when we do it is like we are best freinds. We already had sex on several occasions. We spent all last weekend together in a hotel room... LOL...

The fact that she doesn't express her feelings towards me verbally, it just leaves me totally confused...! Maybe i moved too fast, i don't know...? How can break this shell myself..?

 

[killerasp]

Hey.. this is crazy... I am having the same exact problem..

I have been dating her for about 2months myself.. We don't see each other except for on the weekends... She doesn't call often nor i... But when we do it is like we are best freinds. We already had sex on several occasions. We spent all last weekend together in a hotel room... LOL...

The fact that she doesn't express her feelings towards me verbally, it just leaves me totally confused...! Maybe i moved too fast, i don't know...? How can break this shell myself..?

dude..SAME HERE. I dont hang out with her up until the friday/weekend. My work schedule is very stressful and i hit the gym at 6AM everyday. By the time i get out of work..the only thing on my mind is dinner and bed. Ive tried going out with her during the week day, but im so tired, i cant focus on the date and it becomes boring. I did it twice..never again. So it leaves only friday and the weekend.

She doesnt call me...we sometimes talk on IM and when we do see each other in person, i find myself to be the only one initiating the topic of conversation. I cant recall too many times where she asked a question about my life. I've given her opportunities to spin off topics of discussion but she doesnt.

It leads me to believe that she doesnt date often and doesnt know it works...and/or she doesnt have enough self confidence to start her own topics of conversations fearing that i might think its boring.

I am going out with her this weekend and after dinner plan on talking with her about our "relationship". I very much like her and want to build on waht we have, but i want her to open up more. While i wont say that to her face, i will try to hint it indirectly. I really believe she doesnt take initiative b/c she is either lacks self confidence and or doesnt trust me fully and unitl that happens, she wont open up fully about her life.

 

[milrenkb]

Look in most sets your going to have to do 90% of the talking at the beginning of the interaction. The basic rules of good converstation are as follows.

1. Focus on making statements instead of asking questions: Notice how when you talk to your friends you make more statements than questions. This concept is extremly important.

2. Only ask questions when you are genuinely intrested in something: Constantly asking questions usually comes off as approval seeking. To some people its like nails on a chalkboard. However if a question comes from a genuine place of curriousity you'll usually be met with a quality response.

3. If you do ask a question try to make it open ended: I don't need to explain this one.

4. Don't laugh at your own jokes: Now I'm not the funniest guy in the world however I am very capable of making people laugh (BTW: I would never tell this to a girl). Not laughing at your own jokes does two things
1. It creates a moment of tension that usually generates a more powerful response
2. It gives you a way out if you tell a bad joke because if it goes unnoticed than its just assumed to be part of the converstation.
On the flip side if you can't help but laugh than let it go (not to much though). This is okay because you'll release an actual laugh instead of an approval seeking nervous laugh.

5. Don't look for peoples reactions, notice them: The best example is when you shoot a neg or a C&F line. Looking for a reaction negates the line and therefore makes you look like an idiot. At the same time pay attention to how people are conducting themselves, just don't do it in an obvious way.

6. 'Smile like you mean it': Trying to look to serious makes you look creepy. Forcing a smile makes you look approval seeking. The best time to smile is when something pleases you, like when a girl tells you something intresting. However when in doubt its better to smile.

7. Don't brag: Girls like it better if they learn about you on there own. Telling a girl you have a porche is not nearly as effective as taking her for a ride. However you can still convey high value by telling a good story.

8. 'The power is in the audience': Try to avoid performing. If you can get a girl to perform for you then she'll become more invested in the interaction. If you do perform than try to do it in a way that also encourages her to perform for you. For example, if you do a good impersination and the girl tells you to do it again, use a kino compliance test (such as the spin move). Don't become the dancing monkey.

9. Listen: You can't rely on canned material forever. Listening will help you find material to carry on a good converstation.

10. Multiple threads: This is super important. Good converstations consists of multiple topics. If you can only revert to one converstational thread than people will become board.

11. Don't revisit threads: If you were on a thread that got cut off, don't go back to it. Doing so is try hard. If a girl wants to know she'll ask.

12. Kino: When I first got into this game I was constantly reminded of the importance of kino. Once you learn to calibrate you will become unstoppable. If your unsure of this then try the following: think of a time when someone gave you a pat on the back. More times than not it probably made you feel a little more relaxed.

Also, one mistake guys make is that they use kino escalation after they strike a chord with a women. Subconciously this makes no sense to a women. If you do kino escalation after a women strikes a chord with you then you'll get a much better reaction.

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Now I know this isn't directed specifically at shy girls but the rules I've listed still apply. Personally I love shy girls because once you open them up they become some of the most intresting people you'll ever meet. Also I'd like to remind you to go easy on the C&F and Negs with shy girls, these tactics are not very effective at opening girls that are already feeling self-concious.

The truth is that shy girls rarely find people they're comfortable with. In turn a lot of there views on the world are kept inside. However when they meet someone with the ability to make them feel at ease with themselves they become excited and ironically they turn into great conversationalist. On a side note they usually make passionate lovers.

 

[Trapper]

now you are waking her up...simply you are helping for her future boyfriends..good job..

 

[killerasp]

now you are waking her up...simply you are helping for her future boyfriends..good job..

if it doesnt work out, then it doesnt work out. who cares...then move on to the next person. why worry about the future....enjoy the NOW.

 

[crazylegs2]

Don’t know if this will help. I will share my field research sense we seem to be having the same problem.. This girl you’re dating isn’t in Kentucky right..? I want to make sure we are not seeing the same girl lol….

Last night I called her after work.. Told her that I had a bad day at work and I wanted to see her. She actually dissed me saying “No Sorry, I’m having coffee with a friend.” That didn’t piss me off as bad as her not making any effort to see me after this coffee she was having with her friend. I’m a network admin. I needed to release frustration after work… Hell, I needed her and she refused to be there when I needed her.. WTF..? right…?

She text me this morning and Said “I can’t wait to see you Saturday”.. WTF…?


I noticed that these types of girls seem to fall in a odd routine.
We see each other on the weekend on Saturdays. We don’t talk much on the phone except for 1-2 times a week right before she goes to bed. She goes out with her friends on Friday nights to the same place and drinks coffee on the weekday. Check for signs of routine with your girl. I bet I’m right. Same freakin routine.

I feel like I have already laid the basis of a “relationship”. To break this shell/routine she has, I will no longer make any attempts to call her or ask her out. The reasoning behind this is to create a WTF attitude in her…
I will make my girl do work for me now… If she wants to talk to me, then she will call me. She wants to see me then she will ask me out… I won’t call and I wont ask her out any more. This should get her more involved. In the mean time, I’m going to a party this weekend and I will get more numbers of other females. When my girl calls, then I will confront this issue in a kind loving way. This could backfire of course. I look at is like this, I already banged her. If she doesn’t call or work for us, then I will move on… Is that simple…

 

[killerasp]

dude...you are a network admin? i too am a network specialist..and we both have the same problem (although, im in NYC).

Dude..hit me up in AIM: killerasp.

This is getting errie.

Im heading out now, but ill type a more detailed response when i get a chance.

 

[hydrocodone]

Same EXACT shi t happening to me,every example you gave,shes very agreeable,and does whatever i say,even fake laughs when i genuinly laugh at something else,we rarely talk on phone only on the weekends when we go out,doesnt give opinions or express much..Damn its more commen than i thought.i dont know what to make of it though,she either has no personality or just very insecure about herself for some reason.ill just wait it out and see if she changes at all,im in no rush to get into anything anyway.but i gotta tell you these types arn't too bad actually,though it could get boring after a while.

 

[killerasp]

FR REPORT

hey guys. i came across this yesterday:

http://www.askmen.com/dating/heidi/58_dating_girl.html

Today i had a chance to apply what i read here. And let me tell you, it works when applied correctly.

Let me give you the whole story over the last couple of days:

For a couple of days now i started to question things about her. Either it was a result of my work stress or just the face i tend to over analyzer everything. But i came across this article and read it over and over and over and over again and it began to become my main train of thought.

So today i had a nice lunch with her in central park, NY. I met up with her randomly at a bar last night and told her that since it was going to be a nice day tomorrow, we should do lunch in the park. I told her to bring something for us to sit on while i will get the food. I ended up getting some gormet sandwiches, a antipasta salad and a fruit tart for dessert. All in all, it cost $25. Not bad. We sit down and eat and we start chatting and right off the bat i notice something about her. She started to create topics of converstation. She would comment on the things going on around us. FAR different than our first date. At this point she is getting to become very comfortable around me. Its pretty obvious now. Later on we cuddle and i position myself to make out with her and i tell her to come here (i was laying on the blanket). We make out and afterwords i tell her, "wow..that was great..you are a really great kisser (trying to reassure her again. she sucked at kissing at our first time). I could tell she was getting more adventurous in her kissing. She was using more tounge and trying differnet postions with the lips.

Another thing i came across in this months issue of Mens Health was an article about The Rock. In it he talks about 5 Life lessons he finds most important. Here is #3:

RULE #3: TELL BRUTAL TRUTHS

Clarity is king: being very clear on what your intention is, on what your goal is. Just being clear with everything -- and that carries over to being clear about my wife, my baby girl, my friends. I believe in clarity and communication. And when you have that, the truth shall set you free -- and I know I sound like Preacher Johnson, but I'm tellin' you, those are the most powerful tools we have in life: truth and knowledge. A lot of times the truth can hurt, the truth sucks, it can crush your ego. But it's freeing just to know it. Make sure that everyone is very, very clear on things.

I had some underlying issues that were eating me up so after reading this, i felt it was right for me to bring them up. We talked about what was on my mind and it went the way i planned them to be.

So all in all, it was an AWESOME day.

Hope this helps someone here.