How to deal with girls' post-coital guilt/neediness...

[squirrels]

When you run into a girl who needs to feel attached or emotionally involved to have sex, but you have sex with her anyway and afterward if you don't cuddle up with her all night she feels "used", is there any way to alleviate that feeling for her?

I mean, it's like ASD after-the-fact...and I don't want her going home trying to rationalize what we did by feeling like we have to get in a relationship now, but I also don't want her going home feeling like a cheap slut...that's just not in me.

So is there any way to help a woman be comfortable with sex for its own sake. Kinda "calm her down" so she doesn't start attributing all these different meanings to it and friggin' racking her brain and her feelings over it?

I know you could easily say that I "got what I wanted", but I don't think it's fair to her to be that ruthless, plus if she's all emotionally bent, I either end up with a "stage 5 clinger" or she starts flaking when I call. So I'm not likely to hit it again.

Should I just avoid girls entirely who can't have sex for its own sake?

 

[Victory Unlimited]

Yo Squirrels,


If you want chicks JUST for sex only, and if you have the ability to identify these type chicks beforehand, then go after these chicks exclusively-----by giving off a sexual vibe and trying to hit it.

If you want chicks who are looking for LTRs, and you have the abliity to identify these type chicks beforehand, then go after these chicks exclusively---also by giving off a sexual vibe and trying to hit it. Then you can build a relationship if you want to later...

And If you want chicks who you're OPEN to having both sex AND a possible LTR with, then it's like playing roulette. Know that you ALWAYS run the risk of either turning off a GOOD GIRL, or acquiring for yourself yet another temporary Fukk Buddy.

Always think twice BEFORE you roll your dice...




Peace...one day.

 

[CyranoDeBergerac]

Nutz!

Women like that work on the barter system. Men give love for sex. Women give sex for love. Basically she's trying to figure out one of two things, maybe even both. a) was it was as emotional charged for you as it was for her?; b) do you still respect her? Which one she's probing for depends on what return she was expecting on her emotional investment.

I personally don't mind cuddling afterwards, I'm liable even to fall asleep. The trick is I always leave myself a few viable exit strategies before I get myself into anything.

Be like Johnny Appleseed: Plant seeds that let her know you're not emotionally available, or willing to be tied down. (if you're not, why brook false hope?) Plant seeds that explain why you have to leave before she wakes up or can't have her sleep over. Plant seeds to explain why you fall asleep directly afterwards.

It's all plausible deniability. Callous as it sounds, women believe what they want to believe and they want to believe you. Especially when doing so validates their usually grandiose fantasy of who you (and the two of you) are.

Let her feel appreciated that you even deigned to have her over, and would do so again, but the timing isn't right for all night cuddle sessions.

-CyranoDeBergerac

 

[realsmoothie]

I can't really help with this. I have the same problem... with me personally it seems to be worse because even after just making out or a bit of touchy-feely I tend to find girls getting attached. It's probably just because I enjoy the slower, "nicer" kissing/sex and the such, and girls misinterpret it as me having an early emotional connection.

I've also heard I'm just good at the kissing/foreplay stuff... and they like that...

 

[Natch]

Dude, cuddling them's the (second) best part.

 

[Victory Unlimited]

Hmmm,


Yo Squirrels. I'm willing to bet that if this particular girl was ALL THAT to you, you wouldn't even be asking this question. Instead, you'd probably be asking "How do I MAKE her fall head over heels for me? And what's the FASTEST way I can make it happen?"

And that's not a "flame" at you by ANY MEANS, my friend. It's just an observation. Probably because I know that's the question I'D be asking. LOL

But I guess my main point is that, OUR interest level in the GIRL often is the determining factor as to whether or not we find some of her behavior either ENDEARING or IRRITATING.


Think about it...




Peace...one day.

 

[penkitten]

i agree with victory's post but i wanted to tell you something about women.

i am not sure how we all learned or got conditioned to thinking that a couple must cuddle at the end of sex or we feel that we are used.
for some reason, it gets in our minds that if you cuddle us afterward, you care about us and if you dont then it was just meaningless.
i am certain it probally stems from the very first time we did something and we were scared about it and also we wanted your approval.

thru time, we come to realise that afterward, you are wore out, or hot or clastorphobic and we learn to leave you guys alone and we stop whining to be cuddled.

there are some women out there who do not like to cuddle at all , but i only personally know one.

personally, when my husband rocks my world, i like to be cuddled right then in the middle of it, cause it makes my big o's last longer, but at the end, its whatever he wants to do because hes wore out by then.

 

[Aaron B]

you have to separate yourself from her feelings

you don't have any obligation to her after you have sex. She chose to do it, and you don't owe her anything. Do what you want to do, not what you feel like she wants you to do.

 

[squirrels]

Heh...we ended up breaking it off.

She needed too much affection and commitment, neither of which I was prepared to provide. I had to wake up at 4AM on Monday so I had to kick her out of my bed Sunday when she wanted to lay there and cuddle all night.

Of course it's all my fault. I'm a cold, heartless person who's going to be alone forever, and she never got off from the sex because it wasn't emotional enough, etc, etc...whatever.

It's the age-old question...why do women have to screw up everything by making the ridiculous assumption that love and sex are inseparable and trying to FORCE one every time the other enters into a relationship?

Cuz they're stupid, I guess. I dunno...intimacy takes on a whole different flavor for me.

 

[Latinoman]

It is interesting dealing with these kind of issues. You are not alone. Trust me.

Women expect CUDDLELING after SEX.

The same women also tend to say, "Let's just cuddle tonight" (e.g. let's skip sex and do cuddleling).

Hmmmm...what about, "Let's just phuck tonight?"

 

[Aaron B]

It is interesting dealing with these kind of issues. You are not alone. Trust me.

Women expect CUDDLELING after SEX.

The same women also tend to say, "Let's just cuddle tonight" (e.g. let's skip sex and do cuddleling).

Hmmmm...what about, "Let's just phuck tonight?"

What they expect depends on what expectation YOU set.

After you have sex for the first time, get out of bed right away and do something else.

I rarely cuddle with my wife after sex. Sometimes I will remain in bed and lay on my back and she can cuddle on me but that's it. Most of the time I get up right away and find something else to do.

The key in all this is knowing what YOU want and making sure YOU get it. I don't want to cuddle after sex, so I don't do it. She never brings it up or talks about it, but if she did I would turn it into a joke.

 

[realsmoothie]

I can't help but "cuddle" after sex. I like it.

Sex is ABOUT INTIMACY. Some of you guys like to think you're lions in the Serengeti.... "raaaaar..... come here b*tch.... unh unh... OK go get me some food".

Unless you're going to talk to a girl about it at some point and establish some kind of fvck-buddy ground rules, assume that a girl is going to get emotional after the first time you have sex.

Remember that for a women, giving up sex is generally a big frickin' deal. Considering that most guys are terrible at sex, for many girls sex is more about the emotional happiness that they're desireable enough to attract a quality guy than it is about the actual physical contact.

So unless this woman is coming all over the place when you screw, you better make sure she's getting something out of the deal... LOL.

 

[Aaron B]

I would also like to comment that when you run into this type of resistance from a woman, imo you haven't established high enough value in her mind.

When she brings it up you should be able to shut her down with a disapproving look, because if she believes you are of much higher value she is not going to want to risk upsetting or displeasing you.

Whereas if she believes you to be of equal value or her to be of greater value, she will feel "entitled" to exhibit this annoying behavior.

Your ultimate weapon in this scenario is that you are willing to leave if she starts this behavior and refuses to stop. You've got to stay on your frame no matter what she does, and if she pushes her luck, you are gone.

 

[Victory Unlimited]

Yo AaronB,



I obviously understand why a guy probably shouldn't cuddle with some random babe he's just had sex with. But I'm interested in knowing why you're not a big fan of cuddling with your wife.

Do you mind shedding some light concerning either the downside or unattractive side to a husband cuddling with his wife?


P.S.

Since I'm NOT married, this is very intriguing to me. And I ask this question in all sincerity.



Peace...one day.

 

[Aaron B]

So unless this woman is coming all over the place when you screw, you better make sure she's getting something out of the deal... LOL.

Of course she's "coming all over the place." Its your job to make sure that she does. If she's not, you've got some work to do.

If you like to cuddle, that's great, go for it. The original poster does not, nor do I.

I agree with intimacy. I make sure my wife and I are very intimate when we are making love. But when its done I lose interest and I want to do something else. Thats the way I'm wired.

 

[Aaron B]

Yo AaronB,



I obviously understand why a guy probably shouldn't cuddle with some random babe he's just had sex with. But I'm interested in knowing why you're not a big fan of cuddling with your wife.

Do you mind shedding some light concerning either the downside or unattractive side to a husband cuddling with his wife?


P.S.

Since I'm NOT married, this is very intriguing to me. And I ask this question in all sincerity.



Peace...one day.

I will cuddle occasionally after sex when I want to. But that is rarely. But we do cuddle other times - last night we slept in the spare room on the twin bed and cuddled all night.

My wife isn't very needy and she wouldn't ask me or try to force me to cuddle with her after sex. She always smokes right after anyways.

Basically, I believe that if the man WANTS to cuddle, then he should. But if he doesn't want to, he shouldn't.

I've got a different attitude than a lot of men - I honestly believe I'm of greater value than any woman and the woman I choose to spend my valuable time with is extremely lucky for the privelege. I know that sounds conceited but thats how I think.

 

[joekerr31]

its pretty simple. women intuitively know that sex is their ace up their sleeve in terms of having some control (or at least leverage) over a man. once they give it up they know (whether its the case or not) that they've given up that particular power - now they have to keep his interest based on their personality. sure, most guys still want sex, but they know the power they have is much less than when the guy was trying to get it for the first time. guys, if you're honest, you gotta admit, you don't treat a woman nearly as special after banging her 10 times as you did before that.

as a result they seek out other ways of knowing that they still matter - hoping that they still have emotional power over the man.

cuddling for them is a sign that you still want to do business at the bank, even though you've just emptied the safe of everything of value.

if you don't feel like cuddling you can avoid it by giving her a massage, or making her something ot eat (if its morning), etc.

anyway, when i've been emotionally into a woman i have no problem cuddling at all. i enjoy it. but if im not much into a woman i avoid the cuddling after, and truth be told they usually don't midn that either (they know the deal as well).

 

[Latinoman]

What they expect depends on what expectation YOU set.

After you have sex for the first time, get out of bed right away and do something else.

I rarely cuddle with my wife after sex. Sometimes I will remain in bed and lay on my back and she can cuddle on me but that's it. Most of the time I get up right away and find something else to do.

The key in all this is knowing what YOU want and making sure YOU get it. I don't want to cuddle after sex, so I don't do it. She never brings it up or talks about it, but if she did I would turn it into a joke.

I still do what I want. Fact is...women will always whine.

However and in all fairness...IMO, you have to mix it up a little. Remember...it is a "relationship" and it takes two to work. Also, it avoids her from having "weird" ideas (e.g. some smooth talker approaching her, etc.).

Here is the thing...from my perspective, if I wanted to satisfy myself SOLELY...then I would either masturbate or pay a prostitute (note: I have NEVER being with one).

But when I'm involved sexually with my partner...what satisfies me the most is being able to bring her to total satisfaction.

Here is the thing and based on my experience; when everything else is going wrong in a relationship...the ONLY thing that can keep it running in fumes is GREAT SEX. Is that a good thing? No. However, it might buy you enough time to SPARK IT up again, before losing her completely. Women know that most men suck in bed. I repeat, MOST men suck in bed. So, they will do whatever necessary to keep a man that is great in bed...or at least will work harder on keeping him.

Cuddleling? Very important after sex. However, if you give it up EVERY TIME...she might take it for granted. Better use the "roller coaster" approach from time to time.

I personally make love about 20% of the time (which obviously involve cuddeling after it). About 60% of the time I "phuck" (give her some cuddleling from time to time, about maybe 50%, so she doesn't feel "cheap" - wink). And the other 20%, I simply mix it up by starting making love and ending with hard core sex (rarely cuddle under this circunstances).

To illustrate my point, let's do some basic math (I hate applying mathematics on issues that involve emotions):

20 (% love making) x 100 (% times I cuddle after love making) + 60 (% hard core sex) x 50 (% times I cuddle after hard core sex) + 20 (% mix) x 0 (rarely cuddle when mix) = 5000/100 = 50% of cuddle AFTER SEX (of course, sleeping together or sitting in the bus together might require some cuddleling and holding from time to time).

Now, I don't plan this. It comes natural. In fact, this is the first time it even occurred to me to estimate this stuff and quite honestly, I didn't expect the 50% number above as I never estimated this stuff before.

But...it is a BALANCE. And I win, because I'm having some level of hard core sex over 70% of the time (wink) we engage sexually vs. less than 30% involves some level of "love making"...and she wins, because she is having her cuddleling 50% of the time we engage sexually (regardless if we are mixing it up, having hard core sex, or making love).