How to deal with girlfriend's past

[DJNiceGuy]

So I need some major advice. Some brief background: so the girl I'm am dating who is 5 year older than me, has a good deal more dating experience. She's had several relationships that lasted a few years. Unfortunately, she is my first girlfriend and I was a virgin prior to being with her. We've been together 8 months.

The problem is, she somehow always finds a way to remind me of these -exes. I'm clearly insecure b/c I haven't had that same experience.

Some examples of what she does that infuriates me:
1. Keeps photo albums on her bookshelf that have pictures of her with these guys on vacations, etc. She wanted to show me these photos. I declined, but looked at them anyway by myself later.
2. When we go to places, she will say "oh yeah, my -ex Bob took me here once"
3. We were looking at a jewelry catalog: "Mike got me this one"
4. In front of my friends "I remember when my -ex boyfriend Bob, did this, god I was mortified".
5. We're on a roadtrip and she says "oh my -ex Dave sang this song to me at a bar. It was so funny".

Now all of these -exes have moved on. They are all either married or in LTRs. She told me she will not keep in contact with any of them based on my request.

She keeps telling me the past does not matter, but I don't see why I have to be reminded of these -exes every week. She says that she likes telling funny stories or relating her experiences. I told her I don't want to hear it. And that no other couple I know talks about -exes in front of other people when their SO other is present. Its humiliating to me when she mentions -exes in front of my friends.

Everytime she mentions an -ex, it makes me want to go and look for other girls. I know I have some jealousy and insecurity issues here as well, but I want to know what you guys think. She claims that she loves me and can see a future with me, and didn't love these -exes. Thoughts?

 

[mrRuckus]

Why do you put a - in front of "ex?"

 

[Warrior74]

I'm not that sort of guy that sits well with. I personally would probably regulate her to fb status and go meet other women. But that's just me. The old me probably would have said "you need to figure out what man your with, because I don't want to hear about some other dudes you used to ****" or I would have started talking about every single hot girl that walked by, "damn look at the ass on that". Yah its juvenile, but that's how I used to be. I'm sure its others here who will give you a more enlightened approach.

 

[squirrels]

Once in a while is a jealousy-play...girls do that kind of thing. They'll bring up an old boyfriend just to see how you react.

It sounds with you, however, like it's far more often than that.

I guess the first question is why she has so many more stories about her exes than about you. Are you so boring that she is always thinking of the exciting times she had with Bob and Mike and Dave rather than about what YOU will do today??

I expect a girl to bring up some anecdote having to do with her ex (not dwelling on it, just in passing) in the first couple dates...just because we have nothing to talk about and when she thinks of fun anecdotes, they often have to do with exes. But after 8 months, you ought to have enough experiences with this girl that you being establishing a common repetoire of anecdotes...i.e. "remember the time we" instead of "I remember the time me and Mike..."

Now that being said, assuming I'm off-base and you are a fascinating person to be around, maybe she doesn't realize how rude it is, or thinks it's a valid manipulation tactic. At which point maybe it's time to cut her off.

I can't explain to you the "Don Juan" way to respond to a woman's bad behavior...the best way I can describe it is to withdraw attention in response to it. If she does it when you're out next time, make space between you and her...if she IS into you, then she'll understand that she's making you unhappy and will do SOMETHING to try to get back in your good graces. Hopefully she'll stop the bad behavior or at least make an effort to reel you back in...especially if you took care of item #1 and are actually INTERESTING to be around.

The more she f*cks up by mentioning ex-boyfriends, the more space you create. If eventually you're not returning phonecalls, or you give her the "I think we should see other people", then she'll want to know why. That's when you tell her.

"You're always going on about your ex-boyfriends...obviously I'm not as interesting to you as them, so if I'm boring you, it's best that we both stop wasting our time."

You may want to consider opening up the relationship anyway, especially since her behavior is motivating you to see other women.

 

[DJNiceGuy]

Thanks for the responses. Ideally, these things wouldn't affect me or I could laugh or bust her balls. But that's not the reality. I can't help how much it bugs me. I've tried to rationalize it away and me being jealous for no reason, but if she truly cared, she would oblige me this much. She's just so damned sure of herself and thinks I'm being ridiculous. Well I'm reaching a breaking point here... I've talked to her about this many times now and her behavior is not changing. It seems dumb to me to end a relationship over something like this. But I don't like getting angry about this all the time. I think my frame is blown, and quite frankly I'm getting tired of having to play these frame games. I guess I just need a "nicer" girl.

 

[Warrior74]

Thanks for the responses. Ideally, these things wouldn't affect me or I could laugh or bust her balls. But that's not the reality. I can't help how much it bugs me. I've tried to rationalize it away and me being jealous for no reason, but if she truly cared, she would oblige me this much. She's just so damned sure of herself and thinks I'm being ridiculous. Well I'm reaching a breaking point here... I've talked to her about this many times now and her behavior is not changing. It seems dumb to me to end a relationship over something like this. But I don't like getting angry about this all the time. I think my frame is blown, and quite frankly I'm getting tired of having to play these frame games. I guess I just need a "nicer" girl.

Oh sh1t son. Red flag. You've talked to her about this several times? Dump this chic now! Your an afc son. After the first talk, the second time you should have walked. It's too late for this one. Stick a fork in it.

 

[DJNiceGuy]

Oh sh1t son. Red flag. You've talked to her about this several times? Dump this chic now! Your an afc son. After the first talk, the second time you should have walked. It's too late for this one. Stick a fork in it.

Yeah you're probably right. My thinking was that since is my first relationship maybe I'm the one who is overly insecure or jealous. But my feelings are what they are. So if she truly has a high interest level, she should want to do whatever it takes...

 

[jophil28]

Oh sh1t son. Red flag. You've talked to her about this several times? Dump this chic now! Your an afc son. After the first talk, the second time you should have walked. It's too late for this one. Stick a fork in it.

On the money^^
One of the ways that a man needs to quality a woman for an LTR is to observe how she processes his reasonable requests...REASONABLE REQUESTS !

Now this means that you have a expectation that she will -
a) Listen to your grievances or requests.
b) Take what you say seriously and NOT attack you,ridicule you, or try to shame you into backing down.
C) Make a real attempt to comply and honor your wishes.

A woman who REFUSES to be a part of that process in NOT a suitable candidate to share your life.

 

[DJNiceGuy]

On the money^^
One of the ways that a man needs to quality a woman for an LTR is to observe how she processes with his reasonable requests...REASONABLE REQUESTS !

Now this means that you have a expectation that she will -
a) Listen to your grievances or requests.
b) Take what you say seriously and NOT attack you,ridicule you, or try to shame you into backing down.
C) Make a real attempt to comply and honor your wishes.

A woman who REFUSES to be a part of that process in NOT a suitable candidate to share your life.

Thanks you fellas. Good to know I'm not being unreasonable here. Yeah I've had it with this bull****. I'm going to have to end it, and deal with the "hunt" again.

 

[jophil28]

Thanks you fellas. Good to know I'm not being unreasonable here. Yeah I've had it with this bull****. I'm going to have to end it, and deal with the "hunt" again.

What you are dealing with is an egotistical woman who loves rubbing her ex's in your face. She is refusing to stop BECAUSE she is getting the payoff that she is looking for - that would be your discomfort. Every time you protest and ask her to stop is in fact a victory to her. She has you squirmimg and wriggling on her hook (so she believes) and she loves the feeling of POWER that this brings her.

You have only TWO choices here. Stop wriggling and squirming and swallow your resentment whole, OR get yourself off that hook. That means either walking away in one microsecond the next time she blabs on about Bill and Bob, or do what Squirrels suggested.

I am going to give you some advice from hard experience.
Be willing to discard a woman as a contender for an LTR who will not process, and comply with, your reasonable requests.

Is it reasonable for you and she to go on a date and share the experience without having to listen to her previous experiences with her ex? Yes.
IT is reasonable for you to ask her NOT to punctuate your time with her with tales of her time with other men ? Yes .

I would regard what she is doing as disrespect. IT is even worse disrespect( blatant, in fact) because she REFUSES to stop.

Curiously, at some level she also knows that what she is doing is crappy. Does she care about the impact on you? The answer to that is in her actions.

Read my sig line.

 

[Zunder]

On the money^^
One of the ways that a man needs to quality a woman for an LTR is to observe how she processes his reasonable requests...REASONABLE REQUESTS !

Now this means that you have a expectation that she will -
a) Listen to your grievances or requests.
b) Take what you say seriously and NOT attack you,ridicule you, or try to shame you into backing down.
C) Make a real attempt to comply and honor your wishes.

A woman who REFUSES to be a part of that process in NOT a suitable candidate to share your life.

Not a bad wee list Jophill. Maybe you are not as much of an Aussie Pr1ck as I thought.

 

[DJNiceGuy]

What you are dealing with is an egotistical woman who loves rubbing her ex's in your face. She is refusing to stop BECAUSE she is getting the payoff that she is looking for - that would be your discomfort. Every time you protest and ask her to stop is in fact a victory to her. She has you squirmimg and wriggling on her hook (so she believes) and she loves the feeling of POWER that this brings her.

You have only TWO choices here. Stop wriggling and squirming and swallow your resentment whole, OR get yourself off that hook. That means either walking away in one microsecond the next time she blabs on about Bill and Bob, or do what Squirrels suggested.

I am going to give you some advice from hard experience.
Be willing to discard a woman as a contender for an LTR who will not process, and comply with, your reasonable requests.

Is it reasonable for you and she to go on a date and share the experience without having to listen to her previous experiences with her ex? Yes.
IT is reasonable for you to ask her NOT to punctuate your time with her with tales of her time with other men ? Yes .

I would regard what she is doing as disrespect. IT is even worse disrespect( blatant, in fact) because she REFUSES to stop.

Curiously, at some level she also knows that what she is doing is crappy. Does she care about the impact on you? The answer to that is in her actions.

Read my sig line.

I think you're absolutely right Jophil. What's even sadder is that she has told me in previous ocassions she loves power, and that she perceives that she has all the power. I'm just such a fool. I keep getting sucked in because I'm so attracted to her at the expense of my very dignity. This girl even thinks we'll get married! I don't understand how she can treat me with so much disrespect, yet want to marry me? The thought of being married to a girl who will have such disregard for my feelings is disgusting. There is no way in hell I'd marry this girl unless she miraculously had a personality overhall in this department. I have to walk away... I just hope I can gather the balls to do it soon. I really wish I was spinning a plate that I was just as attracted to.

 

[jophil28]

Maybe you are not as much of an Aussie Pr1ck as I thought.

Errr, yes I am.
But I appreciate your compliment nonetheless.

 

[jophil28]

I think you're absolutely right Jophil. What's even sadder is that she has told me in previous ocassions she loves power, and that she perceives that she has all the power. I'm just such a fool. I keep getting sucked in because I'm so attracted to her at the expense of my very dignity. This girl even thinks we'll get married! I don't understand how she can treat me with so much disrespect, yet want to marry me? The thought of being married to a girl who will have such disregard for my feelings is disgusting. There is no way in hell I'd marry this girl unless she miraculously had a personality overhall in this department. I have to walk away... I just hope I can gather the balls to do it soon. I really wish I was spinning a plate that I was just as attracted to.

Does this notion resonate with you -
She places a higher value on exerting power over me by rubbing her ex's in my face than she does in considering my feelings and trying her best to please me.

If that 'feels' true for you, then you have a problem woman, and a decision to make.

My guess is that are a victim of one of the the worst kinds of female psych warfare.
She is deliberately stabbing away at you in that most vulnerable place of all- your emotional attachment to her.
BTW this same tactic is a favorite of BPD women. Your woman may, or may not, have some Cluster B traits.

When you met her did she present as uber feminine, sweeter than sweet and quite flirty? Did she initiate or engineer your first sexual moment together ?

Keep posting here while you work though this.

 

[Bible_Belt]

she has told me in previous ocassions she loves power, and that she perceives that she has all the power.


That is a much bigger red flag than talking about exes. Does she mean power over you? I would laugh all day if a woman said that to me. It's ridiculous.

I agree that she seems like a b!tch. However, with your next girlfriend, really try to chill out about the mentioning of exes. You know it's not the right way.

 

[jophil28]

[
That is a much bigger red flag than talking about exes. Does she mean power over you?
.

You can bet the ranch that she means "..power over men in general, and you in particular.."

And her implementation of this is by rubbing her ex's in the OP's face to make him jealous. That obviously feels like a "powerful" action to a (fukked up)woman.

 

[Mr. Me]

>> She told me she will not keep in contact with any of them based on my request.>>

I wouldn't bank on that.

>> She keeps telling me the past does not matter >>

Of course the past matters. The past gives you a good indication of who you're dealing with in the present and what's likely to happen in the future. Liars tend to lie again, leopards don't change their spots. But she tells you "the past doesn't matter" because she's trying to make the past sound insignificant, but if it were insignificant, she wouldn't be bringing it up all the time!

>> but I don't see why I have to be reminded of these -exes every week. She says that she likes telling funny stories or relating her experiences. I told her I don't want to hear it. >>

Look at what's happening here: she knows you don't like hearing about her exes, but she defends herself by saying that she likes to relate her experiences. She's saying that your feelings aren't as important to her as the kick she gets from telling you these stories about her past relationships. That's the biggest red flag she's given you.

Whatever her reasons are for doing so, whether to get a rise out of you or out of sheer disrespect, doesn't matter. Point of fact is she's doing it. Disrespect is a sign of low interest as well.

>> I know I have some jealousy and insecurity issues here as well >>

Well, you're human and you have some work to do on yourself and that's okay. What's not okay is expressing it to her. As you mentioned, "I've talked to her about this many times now and her behavior is not changing", and it could very well be that in telling her your feelings, you're actually reinforcing her motivation to keep feeding you these stories because you've let her know she's been effective at getting in your craw.

Besides, talking to someone does NOT change their behavior. Why do you think people go to therapists for YEARS, talking to them every week, for help in changing. It's mostly ineffective. The best way to change behavior is to change yours first. For example, STOP reacting like you do. Do something else instead. Then she's forced to respond differently because you changed the interaction around on her.

>> I can't help how much it bugs me >>

You're not a helpless baby. Work on yourself.

>> It seems dumb to me to end a relationship over something like this. >>

Really? Let me ask you this: say you stay with her. You've got another maybe 50, 60 years to live. You think if it bothers you so much now, you can stand 50 to 60 years of this?

>> My thinking was that since is my first relationship maybe I'm the one who is overly insecure or jealous >>

No, you're not overly insecure or jealous. It bothers you for GOOD reason. You're being disrespected by a woman who CLAIMS to love you, but who isn't being very loving. And if her claim is bogus, sooner or later she'll dump you. Either way: Dump her first.

>> What's even sadder is that she has told me in previous occasions she loves power, and that she perceives that she has all the power.>>

Well I have to disagree with my fellow fellows and state the obvious: We ALL love power. Big deal. Can you imagine her or anyone saying "I hate power. I don't like having any"? And if you had a chick who said, "I LOVE being weak and powerless", would you respect her or wonder if she's got issues?

That she perceives she has all the power: A smart guy lets his woman think she does but he actually is the leader. The man is the leader in the relationship, the woman is the caretaker of the relationship.

But that's another topic.

Bottom line: you didn't qualify this girl before getting into a relationship with her. Disrespect/low interest/jealousy plays - whatever it is - none of them make the grade to Girlfriend.

 

[Gangster Of Love]

So I need some major advice. Some brief background: so the girl I'm am dating who is 5 year older than me, has a good deal more dating experience. She's had several relationships that lasted a few years. Unfortunately, she is my first girlfriend and I was a virgin prior to being with her. We've been together 8 months.

The problem is, she somehow always finds a way to remind me of these -exes. I'm clearly insecure b/c I haven't had that same experience.

Some examples of what she does that infuriates me:
1. Keeps photo albums on her bookshelf that have pictures of her with these guys on vacations, etc. She wanted to show me these photos. I declined, but looked at them anyway by myself later.
2. When we go to places, she will say "oh yeah, my -ex Bob took me here once"
3. We were looking at a jewelry catalog: "Mike got me this one"
4. In front of my friends "I remember when my -ex boyfriend Bob, did this, god I was mortified".
5. We're on a roadtrip and she says "oh my -ex Dave sang this song to me at a bar. It was so funny".

Now all of these -exes have moved on. They are all either married or in LTRs. She told me she will not keep in contact with any of them based on my request.

She keeps telling me the past does not matter, but I don't see why I have to be reminded of these -exes every week. She says that she likes telling funny stories or relating her experiences. I told her I don't want to hear it. And that no other couple I know talks about -exes in front of other people when their SO other is present. Its humiliating to me when she mentions -exes in front of my friends.

Everytime she mentions an -ex, it makes me want to go and look for other girls. I know I have some jealousy and insecurity issues here as well, but I want to know what you guys think. She claims that she loves me and can see a future with me, and didn't love these -exes. Thoughts?

Everytime she mentions an -ex, it makes you want to go and look for other girls? Then why don't you?

You need to be looking for better prospects anyway, and not worry about this one or what she says, unless you want a relationship, in which case, you shouldn't want a relationship with her.