How to deal with being attracted to your female friend...

[DonWon]

I've known this woman for over 5 years. We went to college together right after high school. I've been around since her two boyfriends and my one girlfriend. I've always noticed her, and I really do have a likeness to her. She knows I like someone, but she doesn't know who. Her family and friends have all been hinting that I like her. They've done this for the longest. I have fallen into the "nice guy" category with her, I'm sure. I flirt with her on occasion. Sometimes obvious. Sometimes more smoothly. I'd like some ideas on how I could woo her, or at least gauge to see how she views me. I could write more, but it's 1:00 AM.

Thanks

 

[Grey Fox]

You can always stop doing what you have done in the past. You can change, treat her different and with some indifference and consider dating other women over her first. Just so you know whether or not she is truely worth your attention and effort. Then just ask her out if you really want to, or if your even still interested. To be honest you have had 5 years to make a move and if you think she doesn't know that her family is dropping hints then you need to go back to your college and get your money back, because they taught you nothing. Its time to either make a move whiether its straight up asking her out, or playing games to spark her interest and make her seek you out. Otherwise you are just wasting your time.

-Grey Fox

 

[evolvingnerd]

ganji games - try it

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=21610

g/l

 

[Bonhomme]

But seriously ...

.... maybe not so seriously ... more like in a spirit of fun.

You should play the field with gusto. There's a world of women out there to be enjoyed and to enjoy you.

Ganji this gal and partake of the riches...

 

[MetalFortress]

Make a move. Ask her out. You're already losing ground fast the more they hint, because she'll more and more start to believe them that you like her, and will think you're a coward, and less and less see it as mystery! This is what causes boy/girl friendships to get "weird" once one reveals they like the other; that is, committing a Yankee Fail in the process of trying to get the message across.

 

[diplomatic_lie]

There's nothing wrong with being attracted to your female friends. But only if you are willing to give up the friendship. Trust me, you WILL - I've dated former female friends, in every case, when the relationship ended so did the friendship.

In fact, I recently fell apart a bit with a very good friend of mine after we had sex (once, and it wasnt satisfying). Right now I'm completely regretting doing it at all...

 

[InsidiousNstinct]

I use to have a female friend that I was obsessed with ( of course i still wouldn't mind bangin the absolute sh*t out of her)

ANYWAY.....what I did was, or what I'm doing is just takin some time awy from her. This isnt really Ganji games because your not doin it to get in bed with her, your doing it so you can get her OFF YOUR MIND!

 

[Cremasta]

Originally posted by DonWon
I'd like some ideas on how I could woo her, or at least gauge to see how she views me.

No wooing!!! If you can't play up a bit with a girl you have known for 5 years then you are so far into the friendzone there ain't no getting out of it. Start letting her know that you would like to screw her brains out. Okay, here's a couple things that may work if you have built enough rapport...

You are heading out somewhere together, when you go to pick her up and meet her at the door, look at her with an expression that says "God damn you're hot!" and say something like "We don't really need to go out do we?" as if you are half joking and you MUST wait for her to say something next.

or...

You meet up with her and she is (hopefully) wearing something nice. Ask her to turn around for you so you can get a proper look at her ensemble. Then ask her to turn around again and when she is facing away from you tell her to stop. Say and do nothing. When she finally turns around to look at you and ask you what the hell you are doing, you should be staring at her butt and looking mesmerised. When she catches you, just say "Sorry about that." with a HUGE grin on your face. If you feel bold... with the same grin you can ask her "Can I have another look?"

These are just icebreakers, if she responds well, then take control and be the man.

 

[DonWon]

Re: Re: How to deal with being attracted to your female friend...

Originally posted by Cremasta
No wooing!!!

Cremasta,

Those ideas had me cracking up.What's weird is that she knows that I'm a notorious flirt - I just can't quite seem to get up to advancing on her like I do other women. I end up telling her how nice she looks (blah blah blah). I've flirted with her, but then I've done the "nice guy" role too. I seem to do it with everyone BUT her!! (BANGS HEAD!!!!)

I feel comfortable flirting with her. I really need to step it up...just not sure why I haven't.

She knows that I like somebody - I haven't decided when/how I should tell her that it's her. For some reason it feels awkward with her. If we were together, I'm sure it could be natural, seeing as I've had girlfriends before. GETTING there with HER is my issue. My usual skills set don't seem to register with me.

She offered to treat me to dinner, which didn't work out b/c I didn't have my phone. I guess that worked out in that I didn't jump at the opportunity. I guess I'm trying to find the balance btw being the trustworthy man she's grown to know (she feels safe that I'm no creep) with making confident strides at her, but without coming off as mechanized, corny, and unattractively obvious.

Let me know what you think...

 

[MRomeo99]

She knows that I like somebody - I haven't decided when/how I should tell her that it's her.

STOP!!!!!

Don't tell her anything, why do we always have the desire to have diarrhea of the mouth(me included bud)? You don't NEED to tell her anything. You do however NEED To do something about it.

I thought the Cremasta thing was pretty funny myself. Just step up the kino, see how she responds. Start to touch her alot more. Hand in the small of the back to guide her while you're walking into a restaurant. Tease her, spank her ass and say if you weren't so like a little sister, I'd have to give you a real spanking, but I'm afraid you might like it, and that would be gross. Something along those lines. Bust on her that she's only friend material, if she's even slightly interested she'll push back. Remember the more you pull away, the closer she'll come. Let the dance begin!!!

Honestly though, I'm going to agree with the other guys. Don't do it, you'll ruin your friendship. Good friends are hard to find. Girls to screw are a dime a dozen. Even if you end up in a relationship, chances are it won't end up the way you might expect. You have it built up too huge in your mind. Ask me how I know this.

MR

 

[DonWon]

Originally posted by MRomeo99

Honestly though, I'm going to agree with the other guys. Don't do it, you'll ruin your friendship. Good friends are hard to find. Girls to screw are a dime a dozen. Even if you end up in a relationship, chances are it won't end up the way you might expect. You have it built up too huge in your mind. Ask me how I know this.

Not what I wanted to hear. What sucks is that when I was with my g/f at the time, I got angry at how "supportive" she would be about my relationship

I don't know what you mean by having it built up too huge in my mind, even though it's probably true. Can you please explain?

 

[DonWon]

Originally posted by MetalFortress
Make a move. Ask her out. You're already losing ground fast the more they hint, because she'll more and more start to believe them that you like her, and will think you're a coward, and less and less see it as mystery! This is what causes boy/girl friendships to get "weird" once one reveals they like the other; that is, committing a Yankee Fail in the process of trying to get the message across.

She does have this knack for asking me if I want to go out to eat or spend time with her when I have things that I could do. She wanted to go out to dinner with me the other night...her treat. I didn't even check my voice messages to know. I'm sure she'l ask again. How should I handle that affair? I'd like to exude an air of confidence and calmness, and ideally to let her see "what it might be like" if she tried me out. She was trying to see me the other day and I couldn't make it.

Her and I went to dinner and I was feeling myself real good...like I regularly do. She looked me square in the eyes and asked me (equally as confidently) "Now do you have a clear thing that you want to tell me" I felt that she knew and I punked out. I smiled it off, but she sure took my confidence sails out to sea. I didn't know where she was going with it...she always acts like she has no clue that it's her, but for that minute I honestly felt like she was impelling me to "spill my guts". I could have psyched myself out. I'm sure she will want to revisit it when we have dinner. I'm wondering how I want to equip myself for that. She keeps jabbin at me to tell my "mystery woman" my secret b/c she might not be there when I'm ready. She also tells me how this guy likes her ( I expressed a disinterest in hearing it) and how she wasn't ready for a relationship. When she says this, I'm like she either doesn't really think I dig her, or is subtly letting me know "if it's me, you might wanna bark up another tree". Then she's back to "supporting me" in advising me to tell m.w. She is really a pill... I'm doing my best to make heads or tails of her actions/words, but she seems to make me lose focus.

Any thoughts Don Juaners?

 

[Bonhomme]

OK, something to go on

All right. There could be something more going on than just a friendship, but once again ...

Don't tell her if you're interested, show her.

Step up the kino a bit, and just enjoy yourself together. Definitely up the flirting. Tease her a bit. let your eyes do a lot of the work. Get inside her personal space more. Let sexual tension work for you, 'cause if it's there, it will. Don't make any awkward moves. Keep with the flow. Pick up on any hints to go back to your place, or whatever. And above all, have fun.

Have fun and work the vibe. That's about the best way I can put it.

 

[PocoDiablo]

I am of the very strong opinion that you are WAAAAY to late here, cowboy.

Let's see, you have known her for five YEARS and never made a move? Silly man, you should know that it's too late now. Of course she has friend zoned you. And you can probably only screw it up by making a move. And then you'll lose a good friend.

Speaking from expereince, of course. I did the same thing with a good friend. I tried everything an AFC would do. Then I tried the a-hole routine on her. Too bad I was just doing that, being an a-hole (pre-DJ days) and she bailed.

I am a firm believer of two things: Interest level and chemistry.

1. She does not have interest in you. As a result, she will never feel that way towards you. And, consequently, you are crushing on her. The PROBLEM is that everyone sees it. Everyone knows it. Everyone! So what do you think happens when a new girl comes on the scene, has high interest in you, and she asks someone "Ooh, who's that hunk of a man?" Do they say "Oh, that's [name] and he's a stud!" No, they say "Oh, HIM? <laugh> That's just a nice guy who has been crushing on [her] for 5 years. Don't waste your time."

Everyone knows you are stuck on her and you will NEVER meet anyone else because of it. You have put yourself in lonliness hell and only you can get out. No other woman will have anything to do with you - if she is at all observant - because of your continued relations with your "friend."

2. You may have "friend" chemistry with her, but you obviously don't have "sex" chemistry with her or you would have slept with her. How can you tell if a girl likes you? Yeah, she sleeps with you.

It is time to cut your losses and get some male friends. THEN you'll find a woman who is very interested in you and wants to be intmate with you. Chances are she will be better looking and a better partner.

I gave the same advice to Joe - another young man in a similar situation as you - and here met two HOT HOT HOT girls in two days after dumping his "crush."

What are you waiting for?

 

[DonWon]

Originally posted by PocoDiablo
I am of the very strong opinion that you are WAAAAY to late here, cowboy.

Let's see, you have known her for five YEARS and never made a move? Silly man, you should know that it's too late now. Of course she has friend zoned you. And you can probably only screw it up by making a move. And then you'll lose a good friend.

When I did the OP, I wanted to cover what I could...I found this site on a work night, so I couldn't put a great amount of my 'history' into it. I have known her for about 5 years...going back to college days. I didn't flirt with her or have all that close b/c that was my pre-social days. I only saw her at school. I didn't think/act the same back then as I have now. She went through the stages of having a boyfriend to which I became cool with. (she met him about three years ago) They went together for a little over 2 years I think. Shortly afterwards I found me a girlfriend (about one year into her one year). She ended up breaking up with her b/f about one year before mine ended. Somewhere in this timeframe, her brother began to wonder if I liked his sister...I can't remember if this was during the tail end of my relationship or after it crashed and burned. My memory is bad. Then, within the last year, her mom and close friend (who is adult and married with kids) really starting saying how "she didn't know about me". Maybe I should have really alpha-maled it like I couldn't fathom thinking of her that way - too bad I didn't know about this style then. Anyway, her most recent relationship has gone awry and I'd told her about a few chicks at my job who were at me. Succinctly, I never made a move on her b/c most of our relationship didn't consist of an arena in which I actually felt this way about her (although I always noticed that she was a nice girl) or we were both in a relationship. Given that, I think that I haven't necessarily squandered the 'window of opportunity' for me, b/c I think that if there was one, it's hasn't been open that long...or maybe I'm the hopeless/helpless optimistic. I hear that she may have already friendzoned me...I also hear that there might be some level of interest. I sure can't call it. Our situation is so weird that I can't be sure. Is there a sure way to tell to confirm if she's friendzoned me or playing a delicate game to see if I would step up to the plate?

Either way, I am not sure how to go. She always tells me how "the man for her" is going to love her for her, etc.etc.etc. and how he's going to be faithful and love kids, etc. She keeps telling me that her and I should find someone so that we can double date. That gets me mad, but I tell her that "I'll have to think about it", b/c I can't come up with a good quip. She tries to give me advice for m.w....telling me that women like confidence. I'm like no sheeit. I'm not sure what to say to any of that stuff she "counsels" me on.

Did anyone have any suggestions for when we do go out to dinner/movies (which I know we will do). What about that breakfast exchange. What the hell is "kino"? What are some suggested flirting tips for someone that you already know? I have flirted with her on occasion, so I'm not scared to do it. I know that it would have to be different than when I flirt with other women I know. There is this one chic that I'm having sex with. She started off not 'in the church' when I first got at her. Then she got 'in the church' and told me that my advances would be to no avail. She's still 'in the church' as we are known to do it on nights after her choir rehearsal and bible study. i don't know what she's thinking, but I'm not asking questions. I know that if we both wanted a relationship it would work b/c of the chemistry and all. I've actualy known her only a little while longer than the girl in the OP. I haven't told my "friend" abuot her at all..because I'm trying to play my hand, and I already know you all will say that i've played it WRONG! I live in an apt complex with underground parking and I only have a cell phone, so I'm not concerned about having one show up by accident. Is there a way I can use this other woman to my advantage? I really need to do some work now. I'll check back in later.

 

[DJ_Dork]

Do you really want to be with her? The Ganji BS may work.. but I wouldn't do it, it's more like a shock maneuver and at most it will WORK AGAINST YOU IN THE LONG RUN.

Here's my Bullsh!t method that is better than Ganji and less wordy. Be her friend, but be emotionless and and act like a boyfriend (like if her shoe laces are untied, tie it .. but don't open doors for her like a gentleman). Only hang out once every 2-3 weeks, if she wants to see you more, find a way to be busy and away from her - suggest another time to meet up like half a week away if she insists on meeting you.

 

[DonWon]

Originally posted by DJ_Dork
Do you really want to be with her? The Ganji BS may work.. but I wouldn't do it, it's more like a shock maneuver and at most it will WORK AGAINST YOU IN THE LONG RUN.

Here's my Bullsh!t method that is better than Ganji and less wordy. Be her friend, but be emotionless and and act like a boyfriend (like if her shoe laces are untied, tie it .. but don't open doors for her like a gentleman). Only hang out once every 2-3 weeks, if she wants to see you more, find a way to be busy and away from her - suggest another time to meet up like half a week away if she insists on meeting you.

I do like her and would like to be with her. She's a catch. She's the kind that if you met her, you knew what you would/wouldn't take from a woman. I can't see why the guys she could not appreciate this. Oh well. I've dodged her recently. Check this out - I asked her to help me with my resume - apparently some positions might open up at her job. When she and I went to that breakfast over this last weekend, I flirted with her some and told her how if she could get me in at her job, how it would be nice to see her everyday and that we could carpool and do lunch (yeah yeah...AFC BS, although obvious, it doesn't have to necessarily be corny!) Anyway, this weekend was supposed to be out. I call her yesterday (Thursday)after work. I was still at work and she was on the road home. She's crying. I asked her what's wrong. She says that she was on the other line and not really in the mood to talk. I usualy have tried to console her (another BIG no-no, I know now!). Since I'm waiting for my cell to come in the mail, I couldn't call her back last night so I don't know what happened. She calls me at work today (Friday) to inform me that she wasn't at work today (in case I tried calling her or email her - neither which I had done). I didn't get a chance to call her back b/c I was in meetings all day. She had apparently called me back a about 10 minutes before my leaving time to let me know if I wanted to work on my resume, that I could come over tonight to work on it with her. Now my other friend who I'm intimate with already expressed an interest in coming over. Obviously it was a no-brainer. She had called me a third time to see why I didnt answer my phone or return her calls. I'm not sure how I should have played that, but I simply told her I was in meetings all day. I talked to her to see how she was and let her know that although I wanted to work on my resume, that I already had plans and that we could do it whenever our schedules permitted...especially since this weekend was supposed to be booked. She tells me that her plans this weekend are cancelled. This makes me think that her crying episode the evening prior might have been attributed to an ex or something. Not sure, but it sounds plausible. Moving right along. After going round and round we agree that Sunday could work...in the morning. I tell her that I could try to call her on Saturday to see what's up, but don't count on it. After my visit from my friend, I head over my guy's house - it's a Madden night. I'm up for some game. I call her from his house and she's surprised to hear from me. I let her know that I knew things hadn't been going so well and I was checking on her to make sure she was okay. She says she is and thanks me and lets me know that she appreciates my calling. She is on the other line (not so cool). I try to throw some alpha male in the mix by closing out the call by saying that I hope she has a good night and that I'll see her tomorrow (Saturday). She then says "wait a minute...tomorrow's Saturday" I say "I know' and then she goes on to say how she thought we had agreed to meet up on Sunday, and I tell her that I'm coming to see her and that we are going to do something. She says something but I can't make it out for the loud music...plus she's suddenly not as audible all of a sudden. I don't want her to repeat it b/c it might seem awkward. I tell her good night and make a kiss sound over the phone. Not a corny kiss sound...but a flirty sound....the kind I'm prone to do. I'm trying not to be so inconsistent with my behavior, even though I lapse back and forth. What do you fellow DJers think so far? What should be the gameplan?

 

[Grey Fox]

Can you lend me some money? I ask this because it seems you can just toss it away on your phone bill. Dude, you call her way to much! And you mentioned you E-mail her too. "I just called to check on you." line whether for real or for show is so lame. Seriously she is a big girl she can take care of herself. You need to stop calling, I mean like call like once every 2 to 3 weeks if you want her to notice you have gone missing in her life.

Now this is important it may seem contradictory but trust me this is how it goes. You can't see her as the great catch. That has to be you thats the catch. You need to be able to see her the same way you see one of your buddies, and treat her like one, without a care in the world. Sure you can feel for her, but let those feelings slip in way to soon and watch her slip away as fast as she can. This is how it works you have to make her feel that she needs you, that without you she is missing something. This is the basis of attraction. Have you not felt that you are missing something by not being with this girl? Its basic human nature to want what we do not have. Right now she has your attention and you basically, why should she desire you? If you become harder to reach, harder to hold on to, and harder to work for, mind you not being impossible, but in general a challenge she will want you more because she has to work for your attention. For some reason it just seems more valuable when you have to work for something that you normally don't recieve. Which should be your attention from now on.

If you are not going to play this game like you don't care if she ever wants you, and you are not going to make yourself a challenge, then stop asking for help. Every Hollywood piece of crap movie about love is a lie, thats not real people, its stupid drama.

Look, right now you are no different to her than any other guy. All guys are packing heat between there legs and they are all trying to whip their piece out on her and get it polished off. You need to be different than the pack, you need to set yourself apart, more importantly you need be lead not by your desire for her but your desire to not waste your time and live on your terms.

-Grey Fox

 

[DonWon]

Grey Fox,

Thanks for the criticisms. For someone who usually has all the answers, it's exciting to learn about something that is out of my league right now. I've got some questions about some of your comments.

Originally posted by Grey Fox
Can you lend me some money? I ask this because it seems you can just toss it away on your phone bill. Dude, you call her way to much! And you mentioned you E-mail her too. "I just called to check on you." line whether for real or for show is so lame. Seriously she is a big girl she can take care of herself. You need to stop calling, I mean like call like once every 2 to 3 weeks if you want her to notice you have gone missing in her life.

Point taken. We were in the habit of always emailing on a daily basis since school. Duly noted. Same with the phone. We are known to call each other in the morning to wish each other a good day. (Yeah it's corny, but it's something SHE started a long time ago, and I got accustomed to returning the favor). I'll modify that too.

You need to be able to see her the same way you see one of your buddies, and treat her like one, without a care in the world.

I'm following you (and everyone else for that matter) on taking the mindset that I'm the game. I even follow the thought about being attracted to what you cannot have. I'm not sure how I treat her like a buddy without falling into the friendship zone. I thought it was b/c I am so buddy-buddy that I could be, or might end in the friend zone. If I'm too buddy-buddy with her, don't I risk not appearing romantic, sexually attractive or "significant-other" worthy? How does this tie in to the whole alpha male "going after what he wants" mentality, or is that at a different stage in the game?

Thanks again. I'm sure I'll get this down. Taking notes...

 

[Cremasta]

Originally posted by DonWon
Either way, I am not sure how to go. She always tells me how "the man for her" is going to love her for her, etc.etc.etc. and how he's going to be faithful and love kids, etc.

Tell her that "I'm looking for a girl just like you... except good in bed."