How to deal with battered women?

[djSlvt]

You didn't misread subject line. I want to learn how to deal with battered women. Since the woman is my mother, I highly suggest only professional help, I am able to spot fakes. If you're don't know what you talking about, please give some respect, and only read.


Long story short, my paps was in prison from the day I was born until around 7, I think I was conceived in prison, fvcking AFC fvck, it was some corruption charge, nothing violent. My mom no doubt was cheating, not like too much, but I remember at least one guy, which by the way was a good role model and father figure. He came, it wasn't too long before he start beating her. Eventually they divorced. I grew up with my mother.


Before divorce she was never around, working, me raised by aunt, grand ma. After divorce same sh1t. Growing up without parental supervision, I don't even know how that transforms you into AFC, most will end up in foster care, but I somehow got away with sh1tty grades, only one arsine fire, and one burglary.


I have a problem dealing with my mother. This is a problem I've been ignoring for sometime now. Unaware while I was an AFC, and now I am aware of it, but I've been ignoring it for a while.


Some days are good. But some aren't, we'd start fighting. It always starts with her telling me to do some stuff, like you should do this, you should do that, don't do that. Whatever it might be. My response can be to ignore her, tell her no you got it all wrong, and then other times I get a short fuse and just tell her to leave me the fvck alone. (we not living together)


You'd think if I do as she said it be fine. I've tried, it's always something more, something more, she don't know what she wants.


You'd think if I tell her straight up what's wrong she'd change, no way. She goes into this victim mode, where it is my fault for everything, I'm no good, never was, nor will ever be. It's horrible to take it from your own mother and when you try telling her what's up she just don't listen.


After fight, she'd be fine. She comes back, I don't even have to call her to see what's going on. She's always back, and up my a55 again in no time for no reason without warning.


How to fix her, or how to deal with this bull sh1t. Do I need to change something about me? Do I have to deal with her in a special way? I don't know what to do. She's causing me stress, and it's hurting my work out and game. Sometimes I just think I'll move and don't give her number or address.

 

[Wyldfire]

I'm going to PM you...there are some things in your post that you need to talk about with someone and I have experience dealing with the two issues you need to address. The domestic violence is one of the issues, but the other issue is something going on with you that you need to address immediately because your very life and future depends on it. Once I've PMed you I will come back and post about the domestic violence...but please...check your PMs. I don't want to talk to you about the second issue here because it should be private.

 

[PigAdlemPimp]

I'm going to PM you...there are some things in your post that you need to talk about with someone and I have experience dealing with the two issues you need to address. The domestic violence is one of the issues, but the other issue is something going on with you that you need to address immediately because your very life and future depends on it. Once I've PMed you I will come back and post about the domestic violence...but please...check your PMs. I don't want to talk to you about the second issue here because it should be private.

Domestic violence is a terrible thing, I don't know why dudes beat babes up, it isn't a tough thing to do, I always thought that only dudes who were wimps when it came to standing up to other men were the only ones who beat woman about but I have now heard of cases where dudes who can fight other men beating their girlfreinds up.
I never hit a woman, a child, or an animal, it isn't right to do it but what I can't understand is why the babes stay with the dudes who beat them.
If someone in my home was beating me up or I had a dog that kept biting me I would get rid of them immediately.
It seems that babes who do get beaten up by their boyfreinds always seem to choose another boyfreind after that who is exactly the same, why they would do that I will never know.

 

[djSlvt]

Hey Wyldfire. ODD and OGG, althought I dont yet know what they are, but the naming sounds like something I might have. I do have an odd personality and I do take opposition very seriously, sometimes too seriously. Wow, there is something I learned today. Thanks for that PM, I'll research it immediately.



PgAdlemPimp, do not hijack my post. There is plenty of material about why. As asked, only professional help please. Your cooperation will be appreciated.

 

[Wyldfire]

Okay...the first thing you need to accept about your mother is that you can't fix her problem or control her.

Women who allow themselves to be abused do so because they have a sick need that the abuser fills. She may feel that she is bad and deserves to be punished. She may have been sexually abused and hates herself and thinks she is dirty and damaged and doesn't deserve anything better. It could be something different. She needs to figure it out on her own, though. There are ways you could help her figure out what it is, but not by arguing with her. In fact, your arguing with her is really the worst thing you can do to help her overcome her problems.

You both should go to therapy together and learn ways to defuse the arguing. This is very, very important. You both need help in learning how to communicate with each other to overcome the extent of the arguing. If, as I suspect, your Mom is allowing the abuse to punish herself, you riding her as you do on the issue only feeds her unhealthy thoughts and feelings that are perpetuating the problem.

The first and most important thing for the both of you is to talk about the issue I talked about in the PM I sent to you and for you both to get help in dealing with that issue in family therapy.

We can either discuss this further here or through PM if you have any questions that I can answer for you. I'm very knowledgeable on both issues and I will do anything I can to help you as best I can.

 

[Wyldfire]

Hey Wyldfire. ODD and OGG, althought I dont yet know what they are, but the naming sounds like something I might have. I do have an odd personality and I do take opposition very seriously, sometimes too seriously. Wow, there is something I learned today. Thanks for that PM, I'll research it immediately.



PgAdlemPimp, do not hijack my post. There is plenty of material about why. As asked, only professional help please. Your cooperation will be appreciated.

I'm so glad you are mature enough to not discount it. My son is 16 and has ODD. It's so hard for a parent to deal with...and hard for the kid. I waited a few years to tell him what he had because I wanted him to be able to really understand it. Since he learned about it and did research he is much better able to control it. It can get better with age and although there is no medication to help it, you most certainly can improve it if you are informed and commit to controlling it. Again...I have 7 years experience dealing with ODD in my own family as the mother...so any questions you have, don't hesitate to ask.

 

[PigAdlemPimp]

Hey Wyldfire. ODD and OGG, althought I dont yet know what they are, but the naming sounds like something I might have. I do have an odd personality and I do take opposition very seriously, sometimes too seriously. Wow, there is something I learned today. Thanks for that PM, I'll research it immediately.



PgAdlemPimp, do not hijack my post. There is plenty of material about why. As asked, only professional help please. Your cooperation will be appreciated.

OK I will not post on here again, it is one of those issues that has always been a mystery to me, I don't feel sorry for girls who are abused by boyfreinds that they can leave though stay with them, but there must be some reason that I can't see myself, all the best.

 

[djSlvt]

I should probably say a few words about arsin fire and bulglary.


Arsin fire happened when me and my buddy were hanging out. We had this big back area with some pipes in some insulation wrapping, big pipes. We'd go there before school and burn some of that insulation. So one day fire got out of hand. Not like it was on purpose, we tried to pee it out, it didn't work so we ran like hell. Around age 11.


Burglary was when me and my other buds came across this small farm with some rabbits. So one thing led to another and we wanted a cute bunny. Got caught the same day too.


But yea, ODD is something I might have, because I have problems with people. Like my previous employeer, he'd tell me to do things and I'd have problems with that. Also, I have had a history of abusing and torturing animals during my childhood. And then a big great BAFC and personality disorder during HS.


I'm researching the subject right now. Follow up later.

 

[Wyldfire]

It actually sounds more like CD than ODD...but CD starts with ODD. The fire, burglary and animal abuse and torture issue is associated with CD. I'm actually very surprised no one looked at this as a possibility when you were a child. Interpersonal relationships are VERY difficult with either of these issues. These things don't usually exist by themselves. My son is rare and has only ODD, but it's almost unheard of for that to happen. He's got a brilliant mind, too...too smart for his own good sometimes, though, lol. Knowing what you're dealing with gives a person power and choice that they didn't otherwise have. I'm really glad that I read your post.

 

[fedagent]

djSlvt,

Dude, props to you for not turning out a real criminal like so many who have come from your type of background have ended up doing.

For that arsin and burglary thing, don't sweat that, I did some bad bad things as a kid too, I was just lucky enough to not get caught.

Therapy is probably the best thing you can do, like Wyldfire said. For my own two cents tho, I have found that people will never change unless they want to change. If you want things to be different than they are now, it will always be up to you and you alone.

It's your life, rise up and live it to your standards.

Fed

 

[Wyldfire]

fedagent...the good thing is that the OP is open to the possibility that he may have some issues himself. That is the absolute most important key for him. He does have the power and choice to improve his situation. He can't change his mother, but he CAN change the way he deals with her issues and other things that give him problems.

In light of what he has posted so far and how serious things could have been with his issues(if I am right about the CD)...and the fact that no one helped him as a child...it's really a miracle he is 26 years old (if his profile is right) and has not gotten into serious trouble. CD is the most severe issue a child can have even with help. He is a very strong and resilient person and does deserve props for coping as well as he has without any guidance or help. Knowledge will help overcome the other issues as well.

 

[Wyldfire]

I have some questions about the fires, burglary and abuse and torture of animals, if you don't mind. Do you remember at what age that behavior began and stopped? Even just an estimate is fine. If that kind of thing hasn't been an issue for a long time it could be that you had ODD that turned into CD and that it subsided back to ODD or something else. If I were in your position I would seek out someone who specializes in Psych evaluations and try to figure out exactly what is going on with you right now. Not only would it be a great help to you, it would also be a great help for the evaluator because most people with ODD or CD are not very cooperative with evaluations, which makes it more difficult to get a really clear understanding of what is going on.

 

[Fenderules]

yeah maby you should seek some actual help. I mean this site can only do so much....... maby start with some counselling or something that is sponsored by a church. I find talking to someone about a problem is the first step to dealing with it.

 

[djSlvt]

Nay, I plan on researching as much of this as possible and then decide what to do, if this is something I could over come myself or I need help. Remeber I am oppositional and defiant,. Which is like me to the T.



At what age has this started. This is not only what I mentioned. This in fact is the difficulties I've been having. It started, vague recollection, is sometime after divorce. I'd guess age 8 or 9. Divorce at 7. 7 to 9 I was living with my aunt, mom too when not working. Then we moved to a different neighborhood, and I was home alone. This is my general inability to intereact with people, BAFC. I'd open things up at home, such as electronics, because I was into it, and I'd destory it. I'd go through things looking for steal. Then I'd never had real friends, and those that I had were elianated. During HS I had no friends at all. It's only when I got to college that things start getting better, I mean socially. I was BAFC looser before I discovered seduction science.


Which brings me to this. Today I'm pretty much normal, what ever that means. I'm a pimp and everything you could want that goes with it, starting my own business. I thought the only problem I have todate was just my physique, which I'm working on. But I now realize I have a personality disorder. The light bulb just went off in my head as I read that PM.



During my childhood my mom brought me to numerous medical practitioners. Psychs, natural medicine, you name it. Thus far I thought it was because of my BAFC, but it's very possible because of my personality and the things I was doing. Now that I think about it, I think that's what it was.

Early years, I bet before age 5, I had an operation on me, I still have scar on a side 2 inches above my d1ck. I never found out what it was done, but it was emergency. I think it had something to do with my right testicle. I don't know what it was. But I remember my father blaming my mother for performing that operation, so I bet it's not something good.


So, let's dig in my head. I pretty much learned pick up and never looked back from that point on. Going back now kinda makes me feel weired, and this oh sh1111111111tttt feeling that goes with it.

 

[Wyldfire]

The scar sounds like an inguinal hernia. My older son (not the one with ODD) was a little hernia machine...he popped 4 within his first 3 months...by his belly button, on both sides of his groin area and in his scrotum (those are called hydroceles). A hernia is just a weakness in the muscle that allows a bit of your intestine or fluid to pop through. It has to be repaired to avoid a colostomy (poop bag attached to your body).

If your mother took you to therapists to try to figure out what was going on you may actually have had a psychological evaluation back then. She might know what they believed you to have. If so, she may not have told you so that you did not get labeled...or she hoped it would go away. I've found with my own son it's much better to tell the child when they are old enough to understand and do research on their own. When you know you can actually do some things yourself to improve your relationships with others. People with ODD do alienate everyone around them, as a rule. However, when you know that you have the habit of doing that, you can watch yourself and develop interventions to stop yourself before it gets out of hand. My son isn't in counseling because he isn't responsive to it and no therapist wants to see him, lol. He just manipulates them and cons them into talking about themselves instead of his problems. He usually gets treated to many lunches and field trips, too...hehe. He's too smart and hell bent on not giving too much away. His friendships have improved dramatically since he learned what he has, though, because he is very capable of controlling his behavior when he's motivated to do so. You may not need counseling and can possibly deal with the symptoms on your own. However, you really have to go get a new psych evaluation to make sure you know exactly what you're dealing with and get some resources to help you manage it. The biggest hurdle is acceptance that there's something you have to deal with, and you aren't having a problem with that, so you are WAY ahead of the game.

I'm really glad my PM was helpful...that makes all the flaming I get on here well worth it.

 

[djSlvt]

Well, I've just done a prelimenary research via wikipedia. It's a tad hard to grasp, since as a DJ I'm used to checks and balances. Nothing I read makes much sense to me, so far. But today was like, oh sh11ttt, I've realized I might have a problem, but again, it's a bit hard to grasp at the moment. I can only wait a few days and do more reading. Initial reaction while reading definitions is that I probably had it, but not anymore.

Sure, by definition I'd have some mild form of APD, but who doesn't fail to conform to social norms, or isn't deceitfull, or isn't impulsive at times, or isnt irritable or agressive, or reckless, or lacks remorse. No such thing as normal, baby.


As a kid I must have had ODD, since I had all of these and they affected my life.

Losing temper
Arguing with adults
Refusing to follow the rules
Deliberately annoying people
Blaming others for own mistakes
Easily annoyed
Angry and resentful
Spiteful or even revengeful


On CD I meet creteria for a lot of things, on 1, I meet 1, 2, and 3. But CD just like ODD is hardly my reality this day.

I might have a mild form of APD.. But again, it's not affecting my life, so it's not a problem. Just like Dr House, "I am an addict.... but it doesn't affect my life."

I'm a DJ, you don't become a DJ while totally twisted. I had a problem with my mother in this post. So yea, breaking the cycle seems to be the right move forward. I'm already making progress. I guess talking about it had a theraputical effect.


Now, all this sh1t is prelimenary. I can't just go into new mode of thought right away. I gotta wait a few days, do more research.. I have no doubt that I have something, and it's so much part of my personality that I don't think it affect my life, it might, but I don't think it does. So I need to go there, find out what it is, and see if it does affect my life and how.


Right now my thought is, so I had a fvcked up childhood, who hasn't. I think difference between people who had a fvcked up childhood and those who had a normal childhood, is that paps tought the normal kids about women and all, fvcked up kids had to learn it them selfes and they just as good if not better, but have past they dealing with or ignoring. Nothing's straight up and for free.

 

[Wyldfire]

Just a heads up...Wikipedia isn't the best place to get info and isn't always reliable because anyone can add info, whether it's true or not. ODD and CD do sometimes morph into ASPD, so it's entirely possible that you are correct about that. As I mentioned before, my son was extremely unusual in that he had only ODD. It's very, very rare. That means that if you suffered from ODD or CD as a child there is a high probability that you also had something else that you really need to know about. That's why an evaluation is really important. How you choose to deal with whatever is currently going on may or may not involve counseling...but you most definitely need to consult someone to find out exactly what it is you've got to manage. Some things can stay fairly dormant and then all of a sudden become a horrible problem when triggered and cause a person to just snap out of the blue. You can prevent something like that from ever becoming an issue with you if you make sure you are fully informed and can make your decisions based on full information.

You DO sound like you are fully capable of managing and coping with whatever you face...and that is certainly something to be incredibly proud of. That being said...make no mistake of the importance of being completely informed about what is going on with you psychologically. There is absolutely NO shame in having issues like this...especially when you are as willing and determined to handle them responsibly as you quite clearly are.