How to Choose and Keep a woman

[SharpGame]

I do not understand this. Every thread on here practically is about finding/choosing a woman worth our time. Where is the man in this equation not also choosing her? She just happens to choose back.. wtf? Two decisions here. She chooses you. You choose her.

WTF am I missing? All the time girls "choose" me and then I say no. I didn't realize if they chose me i wasn't allowed to choose to reject their choice.

Um, yeah. I never said you don't have a choice. Maybe you should reread the last sentence of my post - if you read it at all.

 

[GoodboyBadboy]

Alright, confession time; I purposely held back from posting anything on this thread after telling TAIYUU to follow up this topic in a new thread. I did so because I wanted to see what everyone's initial response would be. I'll admit there's been some good stuff posted here, but it's mostly what I've come to expect. I should also add that I think it's encouraging to finally see a few responses that aren't locked into this unconscious identifying with what women expect men to look for in women in order to get a shot at their intimacy. Physicality (and the maintaining of it) is in no way "shallow" or "superficial" and I'm glad to see guys unafraid to come to terms about this.

To start off, TAIYUU, forget about looking for individual traits, characteristics and qualities (*shudder*) of women and think about yourself for a bit. Who are you? What are you about? What will you become in your ideal future? You asked me about this in another thread and you wanted be to presume you were 21 instead of 41. That's tough to do, because you aren't the same person at 41 as 21. Never let anyone convince you that your personality is always static. People change, regularly. Whether gradually or as a result of some traumatic event, you are not the same person you were even 2 years ago, much less 20.

I'm of the opinion that at 21, the last thing on a Man's mind ought to be marriage, to say the least of monogamy of any kind. There's too much to do, too many opportunities to explore, too much need for personal freedoms to grow and mature effectively that the responsibilities, accountabilities and liabilities that monogamy or marriage will limit you from. Even in the best of relationships, the requisites of time and effort will only retard a Man's personal growth. Add children to this, planned or unplanned, and you can see where this leads.

If you want a good healthy relationship in the future, have the courage now to be self-concerned. Some (mostly women) will call this selfish, so be it. Self-concern at an early stage sets the course for your ability to be the best YOU you can be in the future, and thus give you the experience, maturity and discernment to be able to separate a woman you may want to spend the rest of your life with from one you just want to spend the night with.

I could go on and elaborate more on the lists of attributes a woman should possess that others have outlined here, but I think that the prime element Men need to consider is themselves first. Most guys spend half their lives trying to figure out what it is that women want in order to achieve their rewarded intimacy instead of trying to figure out what a woman should do to measure up to warrant the reward of his (presumed) life long provision of security. Too many men don't think realistically in the long term in this respect and they find themselves in damaging LTRs or marriages, divorced and/or with children looking up questioningly to them as a fallout of not having put themselves as the PRIZE first. For all the selfishness a woman will accuse such a man of, it's far more selfish to expect children to bear the brunt of either parent's irresponsibility and lack of maturity - especially when it's voluntary.

So, how do you choose a woman? You stop thinking of it in terms of choice. That's not to say you don't choose a woman, but it is to say don't become fixated on that choice. This makes you necessitous and puts you into the position of qualifying for a woman. You have to know what you're about. Personally, I've had sex with many women and I know what I'm about in this respect. When I decided to marry Mrs. Tomassi I had already established in my subconscious that if I were to marry any one woman she would have to be beautiful enough and maintain it enough to keep me loyal. I've cheated on many women in the past because of exactly this. I know me, I've seen me do it before. She met and still meets this requirement for me and now that we've matured together and have a life and daughter invested in our marriage I could never stray.

This is just one example, and it's an easy one, but there are many other facets that fall under the same idea. You will NEVER find an ideal mate, there will always be something less than ideal, but the wisdom comes from knowing what you can or cannot cope with by knowing yourself first.

Keeping a woman is very simple, you simply let her go. Nothing is genuine that isn't freely given. You lover should never be a prisoner. If you want genuine, real, unsolicited, unnegotiated, desire she has to want to be with you. I go into this in the Desire Dynamic thread. You cannot coerce loyalty. You cannot force fidelity. You have to be the Man she chooses to be with and hold her genuine desire and respect. This is how you keep a woman - you constantly stay on top of your game.

Fantastic. I'm thankful for all the golden advice you give Rollo, it has helped me immensly in dealing with girls and life itself.

 

[GoodboyBadboy]

So what about young guys in their early 20s who are settling down with their high school sweethearts? I personally know of handful of 20/21 year olds that are engaged or married. When I ask them why they decided to tie the knot only after dating for, at the least, 2 years? They all come back with a similar response:

"Well, she is the right one for me. We love each other and love spending time with each other. We also grow together because I have my career to settle down in and she has her job on the side."

Well, you see where that response is going. They genuinely believe that they've found the one and can grow with the other person.

I constantly ask myself, "Are they just lying to themselves so the reality of long-term consequences is masked, and perhaps buried with their lies?" The tragedy isn't that I pity these guys, some who are dear to me, and I desperately hope that things turn out for them even if they abandon their souls. The tragedy is that almost all of them have the potential to grow and achieve their wildest dreams but they're throwing it all away for a nice 2-bedroom apartment.

I'm probably too young to post here, but I'm in a similar situation as your friends. I only have about a year left of school and then I'm heading out in the "real" world, only I have the responsibility of my girlfriend. This is something I think of a lot. I have so many dreams, desires and goals I want to achieve, and as much as I love my girlfriend, I can only see her as something that will slow me down rather than speed me up. She has our whole future planned out; Marriage, kids nervous: ), living standards etc, but I don't have the desire for that kind of life, at least not now when I'm so young. How does a young man go about this? I mean, our relationship is very good, it has all the right foundations, and I think it will be very difficult to come across a girl like this in the future, but I can't just not live up to my potential. I don't mean to go off-topic, but I felt this was an appropriate place to post where I could get honest and good advice.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

To me, cheating is the most despicable thing a person can do in a relationship and shows you have either a low self control or very low self confidence/integrity/game...

You're only making my point for me FUZZ. I've been the cheater and I've been the cheated. I'm not trying to argue the virtue of either or the ethics. What I am saying is to know who you are and what you're about. If you were a world class soccer player, you knew this and had been patted on the back for half your life about what a great player you were, would you apply to be a concert violinist as your career?

It's not that I've been a chronic cheater on women, it's that I know WHY I cheated when I did, and I owed it to myself, the woman I chose and any kids we had to make sure that anyone I would consider for marriage fit the requirements that would make me not want to consider it. It was the responsible thing to do, and it's tough, because it makes me seem "shallow" or selfish. I'm a firm believer in enlightened self-interest; I cannot help others effectively until I can help myself.