How to change while staying myself?

[GuyWithAProblem]

I loved winter break. I didn't go out a lot because of crappy weather, but I worked out a lot, lost two pounds, then gained one back, but most importantly I relaxed and gained some confidence.

However, when I came back to school, a lot of bad stuff came back. People from my class still strongly dislike me and I'm afraid I can't do anything to change it. I can be relaxed and positive, but not around people from my class.

I try to act more confident. I improved the way I walk and talk, and instead of desperately trying to make some people like me, I decided to let it go and stop caring. I'm still unhappy about all this, but I suppose I just need to wait to meet new people and make a good impression on them.

When I was walking away from school, I heard a very interesting compliment from girl that usually doesn't talk to me: "You seem more calm than you used to be". I always hate it when my neurotism gets the best of me, and I loved to hear that I seem more composed. Calmness can be a sign of confidence. I was surprised, because I tried to appear confident but was really frustrated inside, and I definitely didn't expect anyone to notice my newfound confidence. Seems like it's more visible than I thought it is. This girl basically turned a bad day to a good one for me, and she's usually not nice to me.

The truth is that I'm still clueless around girls. I can be a fun companion on party if the atmosphere is fun, but it seems like I can't be any cool in school. I'll definitely go out this weekend, I need fun!

Also I decided that I don't really need a girl now. I can pursue some girls I'm not really attracted to, but I'm not convinced about it. First I need to focus on improving myself.

 

[MrP]

Good job man. You got the right mindset.
When you self-improve, girls are just a perk.
Think about it. Are you doing this just to get laid? Or for something more?
If you just wanted to get laid, you could just pay some slut.

Think about it.

 

[JustLurk]

I I try to act more confident. I improved the way I walk and talk, and instead of desperately trying to make some people like me, I decided to let it go and stop caring. I'm still unhappy about all this, but I suppose I just need to wait to meet new people and make a good impression on them.

You try to act more confident? That's like forcing yourself to relax, an oxymoron if I ever heard one. Here's the Devil's Snare of inner game: You try to act confident. This, in all likelihood, will make you less confident and anxious about not feeling confident. You have to just let yourself drop into confidence. Your lack of confidence is not a natural state, but caused by psychological pressure. You have to let go of pressure, and relax, not try to force anything. Push on your index finger. Why is it bent? You pushed it. How do you un-bend it? Do you exert pressure with your finger? A ridiculous idea. You stop pushing on your finger. Stop pressuring yourself, stop letting external events pressure you, and the confidence will come naturally. In fact, you may notice it was there all along.

 

[GuyWithAProblem]

You may be right, but I think becoming confident is like learning to walk. Walking is easy and natural, but when you were learning to do it, you had to put a lot of effort.

Now imagine someone who didn't even try to walk properly for 18 years. Don't misunderstand me, I learned to walk on two legs a long time ago . Walking is actually important here though, because I always walked in droopy way and with my head down. Until this year, I didn't even try to change this. Now it's almost completely natural to me, but at first it was hard, even though most people find it easy. I have to remember about some stuff that most folks do instinctively. I have to remember not to come back to some of my bad habits, like walking droopily or digging in my nose in front of everyone.

What I managed to do is changing my attitude. It's a struggle for me to care about what people think about me, and because of that it was hard for me to change all this stuff. Now I do necessary stuff like working out, taking care about my appearance and hygiene and abstaining from masturbation not because people tell me that I should do it, but because I want to respect myself as someone who has discipline.

All this made me a little more naturally confident. I won't be really confident until I realize my goals for this year - getting driver's license, passing exams after high school (in Poland we call that matura) and finding a job. Until I do that, I'll have to build my confidence on little everyday stuff. At least now I'm not a pathetic nerd who doesn't do any sport, walks like Quasimoto and only washes his ass once a week. I think that I'm also more positive. A lot of people dislike me, but I need to smile and be happy despite that and stop apologizing for my every word. I can't eliminate pressure and negativity, but I need to try to deal with it better.

 

[GuyWithAProblem]

Seventh day without masturbation. Life without jerking off isn't that terrible, but I do have very strong urge sometimes.

I called a chick from my class who always seemed to be into me. I always ignored her, but I decided that if she likes me, why shouldn't I at least spend some time with her? She asked me "are you doing this because I am your only option?" and I said "no, I'm doing this because I was underestimating your signs of liking me and I want to change that". She's busy with her family this weekend, but I'll definitely go out with her next weekend. I don't want to get in relationship with her, but I'll hope we'll have some fun and I'll learn to kiss. Although honestly I don't have a clue where I will go with her.

I think I'm more positive. I walk with my head up and big smile on my face. I freestyle with my friends who are even wacker than me. It's so good to a thing I'm passionate about with people who are just as passionate as me!

I also started reading Book of Pook. I actually realized about some of the stuff he writes about sometime ago, and lot of his advice sounds like just common sense (that kind of advice is be the best in my opinion). I just read one sentence that really hit close to home for me:

“Just as on the battlefield, the valiant warrior losing in glorious battle is honorable. It is not the victory that defines the Man, it is the fight. There are some people who somehow have this curse or bad luck and must eat an excrement sandwich everyday. They win everytime they struggle against that.”

Thank you, Pook!

The problem is that while I'm working on myself and trying to build a positive image of myself, the showdown with reality sometimes leaves me feeling weak. I have to realize that effects won't be immediate. I still revert to AFC mentality when I'm front of girls. Pook advices men to pursue their own goals and dreams, but I think I use that as an escape from contact with girls. I'm too afraid of failure.

 

[NorwegianDJ]

To me it seems like you are fighting a battle with your self-image. Your self-image doesnt want to change, while you actively pursue change. However, you identify with your self-image and your past. You're not changing mentally. Not much.
Identifying is whenever you use 'I' and 'Mine' in a sentence.
"I'm scared of approaching girls"
"I care about what people think"
"Thats my money"
"Everyone loves me"
"I'm confident"
"I'm not confident"
As Pook would've said: "As you think, you shall become.
Realize that you're the only one that can set your own limits. You are the only thing holding you back.

 

[GuyWithAProblem]

I didn't write anything here because I didn't really anything notable. I worked out and freestyled with my friend (I LOVE that), but other than that, I didn't really do anything interesting.

That was until today, when I went to my friend's house party and vodka started to work its magic. It's well known that alcohol can do wonders to your confidence, but somehow it never worked for me... well, until today. For first time I really felt ****y and too cool to give a **** about the fact that some people are annoyed at me... like for example the boyfriend of girl that I tried to game. I honestly didn't know that he was her boyfriend and I definitely didn't mean to touch her boob (I just wanted to tickle her a little!)... but I don't regret doing it!
I really went out of my confort zone, and I never did it even when I was drunk.
Well, I want to be at least a little bit as confident when I'm sober...

 

[NorwegianDJ]

You should freestyle more often if it's something you love.

Nice. Remember that action comes before confidence.

 

[GuyWithAProblem]

I came back to school after another break and I must say I really enjoy myself right now. I managed to develop a care-free and positive attitude, almost like Oddball from "Kelly's Heroes" (watch this movie if you haven't). I'm not sure if people like me more, but I definitely feel this way. At least I like myself. I'm definitely more confident and humorous. I always could be like this when the atmosphere was right, now I am able to create this positive atmosphere without much work.

I still don't do much to get girls and I wank a lot. I don't really see anything wrong with the latter, it doesn't make me feel guilty or physically ill. Sorry, but I simply love wanking - it's like getting free chocolate every day! It's hard to give it up.

I did some meditation. I'm surprised how much it helped me with my concentration problems, now I can focus on stuff that I read much better and I remember much more. I hope my grades will get better now.

 

[NorwegianDJ]

Dude, I can tell this is developing into a success story, keep it up!

People will notice the "new you", just give it time. Just continue being happy and spread positive vibes, people notice.

You know my take on the wanking. I personally know that it helps to stop, I'd advice you to try stopping for a few weeks and see if you feel different. It's worth trying. Atleast stop watching porn. I find those 2 to be some of my biggest de-motivators.

I'm looking forward to start medetating, sounds good bro.

 

[GuyWithAProblem]

People already notice, but I'm slightly afraid that I'm getting a little bit self-delusional about this. I need little more time. As I've said, I didn't really do much to get girls and I'm still thinking about one girl who's just my type. It's not like I think I love her or anything, but damn she's cute! I'm too picky because I don't see many girls that really appeal to me.

It's great that I'm finally able to be totally comfortable with myself. Now I'm more in touch with my "true self" than I've ever been. I'm still the same guy who always says least appropriate things, has weird taste and sense of humour and isn't afraid to make a fool of himself for his own amusement but somehow now I'm able to get much more fun from life.

Man, I don't even need porn to masturbate anymore. I already have a large library of porn in my head plus I've got my imagination.

 

[NorwegianDJ]

The randomness of logging on at the exact time that you post. Awesome.

How do you feel that you're getting "self-delusional"? It's a change, embrace it. It wont really feel quite normal, but just accept that you change faster than your self-image. You will see "proof" that you've changed after you changed. (Not saying that you've stopped of course, just an example).

Trust me, you will be attracted to more girls if you stop masturbating. You are so damn horny, it's like you are more in contact with your masculine self. I spot myself looking distantly at boobs and asses as they walk past me, just truly enjoying the view.
I feel that you're almost forced to meet girls, as they are your only source to stimulate that need.

Could you provide me with some examples of your "wierd behaviour"?
I imagine that you are an improving cool guy that has been an outsider so far. You know, that dude that people kinda ignore and stuff, because he is either percieved as lower status and never hangs with them. That's because you allowed it to happen so far. It will change, but I suppose you'll have to "prove" yourself. Just continue with what you're doing, it's GREAT.

 

[GuyWithAProblem]

I once tried to abstain from masturbation and I lasted one week. I didn't really feel any effects, but maybe I've given up too early.

I was always a really atypical kind of outsider, because I was introvertial and extravertial at the same time. I really liked to stay home all day, but when I got out I always tried to be the most noticed person in room. I always tried to do something funny and sometimes effects were not very good. I just gave too much negative vibes. I used a lot of of self-deprecating jokes that were more depressing than funny.
So, I know many people enjoyed me for short while, but after some time they grew tired of me and some have just outright rejected me and I cared about it a lot too much. I know that some people will never like me, but that's not a reason to whine.

 

[GuyWithAProblem]

Tonight I have a big school party (a polish of equivalent of what Americans call "prom night") and honestly I'm feeling anxious about this. I've made really bad choice of my partner. She's totally shy and quiet person and I've chosen her because at the time I've thought I'll be AFC forever and I thought that I won't get any fun anyway.
I've changed my mind about this, but I still decided to go with her, because I thought that she won't find anyone else and because she's a girl from my class, and it's simply cheaper to go with someone from my class. Now I've told her that I want to have fun and she shouldn't care about me and try to have fun on her own, but she doesn't seem convinced. Now if she will have a bad night, I'll be feeling guilty. Ah, what a stupid AFC decision!

But anyway, it's going to be a big party full of drunk girls. I need to get into proper mindstate.

 

[GuyWithAProblem]

I've had awesome time last night. I was totally chilled out and fun. I had to take care of my no-fun partner and that held me back a bit. Also, I had to dance with her often and she was a totally woody dancer (at least I put some enthusiasm into it), but overall I think I had awesome time. I took part in sketches and people complimented my acting (including one person who dislikes me). People I didn't know desperately wanted to have a drink with me.

So, I can say I finally learned how to have fun at parties. I still don't know how to deal with chicks, because I haven't accomplished anything in that regard. I danced with few girls and kissed one on a cheek after a dance (wow, soooo macho). There was one chick that sat by my table and I've had following conversation with her:

I: You know, last week my friend saw you walking on the school corridor and he told me "man, I'd SO do her"
She: Who told you that?
I: I'm not gonna tell you, but I gotta tell you that I kinda agree with him!
(she laughs heartily)

But overall, no success. I've learned that I can be a fun guy, but I'm still clueless around chicks. I don't know, maybe I really wank too much, because I really lack motivation. There's only one chick in my school that really gets me hot, and she's a girl who's cute and sweet but managed to make her boyfriend so *****-whipped that it's scary.

 

[NorwegianDJ]

There are still times where I got no clue what to do. They happened much more often before. It will come to you, just relax and have fun.
Well done man, just imagine where you may be in 1 year, and keep going!

 

[GuyWithAProblem]

It will come to you, just relax and have fun.

As you see, I'm doing this and I hope I won't stop. I'm just little frustrated with my own lack of action. Man, my grandfather once thought that I'm gay (seriously, I've heard him saying that to my mom). He said that he would love me even if I was gay, so I have to at least give him props for that. My friends are also little embarassed of me. I mean, they all have girlfriends and it's hard for me to start so late. And I definitely lack motivation, probably because of wanking.

 

[NorwegianDJ]

As you see, I'm doing this and I hope I won't stop. I'm just little frustrated with my own lack of action. Man, my grandfather once thought that I'm gay (seriously, I've heard him saying that to my mom). He said that he would love me even if I was gay, so I have to at least give him props for that. My friends are also little embarassed of me. I mean, they all have girlfriends and it's hard for me to start so late. And I definitely lack motivation, probably because of wanking.

You know what to do.

 

[fertileTurtle]

Oh good. He's not getting a sex change. Carry on.

 

[GuyWithAProblem]

I must admit that I don't really understand your post .