How to change while staying myself?

[GuyWithAProblem]

Hey guys,

as you can see from my nickname, I'm a guy with a problem. In fact, I have A LOT of problems and none of them are big - it's just that somehow even small problems somehow become big for me.

I'm a 18 years old guy from small town in Poland. Since I remember, I always been the worst at everything. When I was a young child, everybody was better at sports, better at games like checkers or scrabble. I couldn't stand constant losing, so I just stopped competing. I was often acting weirdly and talking to myself loudly, so older boys were making fun of me. In elementary school, I was bullied by boys from my class.

I hated my peers, so I escaped into my own world. Just like most boys, I started getting interested in computer and computer games, but my real passion became books. I started to read a lot, and after some time I realized that I'm not really inferior to my peers - I'm more knowledgeable, more creative and more sensitive than all of them (I know many of you propably think that sensitivity is a bad thing, but I disagree).

When I was 6-13, I was scared to death of girls. I still don't understand why - they weren't mean to me and they always wanted to talk to me, but I was very shy and I didn't know how to act around them.
In junior high I wasn't bullied anymore. I just couldn't get any respect. I've became friends with older boys who protected me from bullies, but I was unconfident and I looked like a freak. Once again, I realized that I hate most of my peers. In junior high, I already became sort of a young intellectual, but people in my school were terrifyingly shallow. It seemed like everyone was only interested in stupid things. At this time, I wasn't really interested in girls. A lot of my friends had girlfriends, but the only thing I did with girls was insulting them. At times, I just couldn't stand their shallowness. Unfortunately, in small towns there aren't many young girls who are interested in anything other than parties and boys... There were some intelligent girls, but they were older and I was afraid to talk to them. There was one girl I was attracted to, but I was afraid to say "hi" to her! She was a year older than me, so I obviously I was too scared to talk to her, even though she seemed to like me. Because of this shyness, lack of confidence and less-than-satisfactory grades my self-esteem was very low. I was like "yeah, I'm super-educated, but I can't even talk to girl I like and I can't get decent grades!".

Now I'm in the last year of high school, and I haven't even kissed a girl! My personality developed into a weird mix of stubborn indivuality and annoying clumsiness. I'm a guy who just can't do anything right - I often forget about important things, I can sometimes get lost in my small city, I can't talk to people and I always say the least appropiate things.
Over the years, I stopped caring about myself. I only washed myself one or two times a week and I didn't get any sport. It all changed when I became horny. I started to practice 3 times a week and I wash myself everyday. To be honest, I wouldn't do it if not for my friends. They convinced me to take care of my hygiene and forced me to practice. Yeah, one of my friends forces me to do it, because often I just don't want to practice! Of course, I'm always grateful to him after we finish.

I often try to convince myself that I don't need a girl to be happy, but the truth is that I masturbate at least once a day. I really want to have a girlfriend, but most girls seem to hate me! I really don't know what to do. I'm still a stubborn individualist and I don't really want to change that, but people seem to can't stand me because of that. I usually really don't care about stuff most people find very important, and I might seem carefree, but that attutide always gives me terrible results. Sometimes I get so depressed that I want to erase myself from existence.

Recently I've started to read all those sites with advice how to get women and I became absolutely terrified. What I learned is that the only way to have success with girls is to completely change who I am! They told me that I need to become an arrogant bad boy and honestly, I'm not sure that's who I want to be. I respect women and I don't want to treat them as nothing more than sex objects. I don't need to get laid with different girl every week, I only want to meet one girl with whom I would be happy! In other words, I don't want to become something I'm not, I just want to become a better version of who I am now. I really like my geekiness and sensitivity, I don't want to completely get rid of that!

I said that I don't want to change who I am, but sometimes I think there is something wrong deep inside of me and girls instinctively recognize that. After all, there must be a reason why I was never able to succeed at anything and that's why girls don't want to have anything to do with me! I'm afraid that even if I'll make my body look great and start to dress fashionably and appear confident, they will always recognize a loser inside of me. You tell me to become more sure of myself, but that won't make my flaws go away! So what, should I just pretend that they don't exist? Everytime I try to do that, it ends badly but when I try to think what to do about them, I just can't find any solution. For example, today I had to practice traditional polish dance with my studniowka partner (studniowka is something like polish version of prom night) and she is embarassed with my lack of dancing skills. She doesn't want to go with me anymore, and she's one of the least popular girls in my class! It's not like many boys want to go with her. I may pretend that I don't care, but that won't improve my dancing skills! I may also just learn to dance, but I'm not optimistic about that. There are some boys who never danced this dance before, but somehow managed to avoid embarassing themselves. I know this is not a big problem, but I'm just that kind of person - small problems always become big for me.

So, I would like to get some advice from you. I really want to stop being an enemy for girls and I want to find a girlfriend, but I don't want to start pretending to be someone I'm not. I just want to show girls my best qualities!
If you're interested, I can tell you about tell about some girls in my school, including one that I really want to get. But this post is already very long!

 

[NorwegianDJ]

I'll help you for real when I get back home!
Remember - You are not your mind. Your identity is just the way you percieve yourself in a social setting. You simply have you be your best self, the journy is finding it and staying there.

 

[Huffman]

Don't worry. You won't change into a monster. Maybe you watched too many fantasy movies

Girls that I knew some years ago say "you've changed so much". But my friends and family say "you're still the same". You'll keep your good parts.

Despite what you read here, it's not a pact with the devil. You can have success with girls and STILL be a guy that people actually like. But you must experiment, go out a lot, and not believe everything that is written here. Experiment with your mind, and you will make yourself into what you want.

 

[NorwegianDJ]

Alright.. I'm gonna adress your post paragraph by paragraph, so I can be sure I've answered everything.
I've taking a good chunk of my time answering this now. I suggest you do the same - Answering me. I want you to answer my questions. I want you to really think them through. We're talking self-searching here. Give me some real, under the surface answers!

I can't see many problems here, rather one big challenge.

Negative and positive minds don't work alike. Since you have rehearsed your negative mind, you think more negative thoughts. Negative minds focus on the negative aspect of things, hence you remembering more negative things. The mind will alter memories in a way that favours your mindset.

I can really relate to this. I was an avid gamer, I like to think that I played at a professional level. Too many hours was wasted on that. I also enjoy reading books, I read in the tenthousands of comic book pages, all the Harry Potter books atleast trice etc. Use your love for books to your advantage. Read GOOD books. I recommend that you read "The power of Now" , "A new earth" both by Eckhart Tolle, "The monk who sold his ferrari" , I've also heard that "Fountainhead" is a great book. Tolle's books are a vital aspect of getting girls. What Tolle describes is what many of us try to achieve. His first book talks about being present and the way the mind works. His second book goes more in depth about the well known "ego". Being sensitive.. Define the way you view being sensitive please, I can't get the hold of what you mean. Personally I don't think you should really be affected by things that does not concern you. However, spontaneously crying during a movie is alright. When you say being sensitive, you could also refer to simply being addicted to emotions. I've partly been there, it's not a preferable place to be.

You were scared of girls? Social conditioning mate.
Why did you think your peers were shallow, and you weren't? Was this just because you "knew" more "important" things? Being politically knowledgeable does not get you further ahead in life. What makes you intellectual? Was this just a way to make you feel better about yourself? Did you view yourself as higher or lower worth than girls? Did you looks down upon them? - You want to be at an equal level here. Why didn't you get good grades? Did you simply not put in the effort? What did you do instead?

Stop masturbating! Now! You simply have to rehearse this form of self-control. Not to mention the great effects it has to stop. From my constant trying not to do it, it all has to do with making a choice with 100% belief. It will get easier as time passes. If you do give in, DO NOT do it more than once. Practice this.

Girls "hate" you because of your mindset. You look down upon them, when you have no reason to. And a lot of other factors. When you say that you're stubborn, what do you mean? It can be a good thing and a bad thing. Use it to your advantage - take right action and be bold. Are you open minded? What is it that people care about, that you don't? Is this simply because you haven't been there and done that yet? Do not identify with being depressed, however, dont resist it either. Accept it, and move on. If you want to move on with things, you have to do things you wouldn't normally do in that state of mind (emotion). YOU ARE NOT YOUR MIND. The essence of human freedom lies in the fact that unlike plants and animals, man is self aware, and that one of the consequences of that self-awareness is that given any stimulus, we have the power to choose our response.

What you need to learn is that most of these sites just want your money. PUA ebooks are mostly bull****. You must also accept that forums like this are also full of people like you. Few take action, few get 1st hand experience, which is where the real deal is at. You DO NOT have to be a "bad guy" to get chicks. It is parts of the mindset of a bad guy you want. You want the confidence, the carelessness, the ability to have people react to you, and so on. No reason to make it too complicated.
When I started out, being a Bad boy and sexual was way out of my reality. I still aren't a "bad boy", but I'm getting some of the traits. You must resist change. Changing is a part of being human. I still remember seeing facebook groups about "people don't change" "I am who I am, Im not gonna change" etc. Social conditioning dude. Humans respond to their environment and humans change, it is the laws of nature.
To meet your "perfect girl" "the special one" etc, then you have to go through tons of girls to get there. The odds of meeting someone that has the good qualities you should be looking for instantly is extremely low. Love is a self-hypnosis, atleast the social conditioned, ego-fueled one. It could be anxious co-dependence. It seems like you are seeking a girls to fill your void. Not healthy. You must become a real man first. It seems like only when you don't have the need for a GF, is when the supply for them will reach a peak.
Dude, seriously. What you are saying here is that you don't like your life, and you don't want to change. YOU HAVE TO CHANGE. You do not change to a different person, but to your BEST self. "Just be yourself".

You lack self-esteem. What you're describing here is superficial standards set by society. Not necessary. However, everyone that is succesful with women strongly advise you to work out atleast 3x a week.
What are your flaws, apart from lacking self-esteem? I think you just have to change your mindset, however, that is the long journey.
Often, being bad at dancing is completely being self-concious. I still remember dancing for real for the first time. I felt dumb starting out, eventually (could've been 30+ minutes, I lost track of time), I started looking better and better. What happened was that I just allowed the moment to happen. I got more and more warmed up. I let loose. I still have people say how sick I danced that night. To further prove this, when people started leaving the dancefloor and I continued dancing, I did well. However, when one friend of mine started filming, I sucked. He even said that right then, that I didn't dance cool no more. It's all in your head.
Improve your dance skills then! Why the fvck not!? Don't go complain about it, without taking action, reminds me of women.

 

[Jack Wealthy]

Ok I read half that, but I'm pretty sure I get your problem.
You basically are in morale disagreeance with the viewpoints displayed in PU, which is fine BECAUSE the viewpoints which are toted around so often are a) the opposite of average and b) the other extreme.
So extreme one is nerdy, needy low self esteem beta males. Extreme two is arrogant, aggressive high self esteem alphas.
Anyways, long story short, you don't change from one to the other to become successful. You just start exhibiting qualities of the other, like type 1 might change his neediness to directness and become more successful. Or type 2 might tone down his arrogance to ****yness, and get more girls.
Most other things are personality traits, like humour etc.
Here is the things that are essential though: Confidence, Persistance, Attraction, Comfort and Congruence.
Or AACC: Agression, Attraction, Comfort and something else with a C. Either close or Congruence, I forget. I'm tired.
On the books, I read A LOT sometimes and still get girls. In fact, it kinda makes me make it like a fantasy...
Grrr, so much good but pointless advice in my head. I'm even too tired to clarify that. Basically get over yourself, you're LESS smart then most of your friends if you can't apply it. Think of the jacked bodybuilder who can't apply his strength because he has show muscles AND his strength is inhibited.
You have show knowledge (which is useful in the same way as show muslce) and it doesn't apply in the slightest to girls. Girls like sexual confidence. +Abs.
But anyways, ima pretty tired so if you want clarification I am fine with that.

 

[GuyWithAProblem]

Jack Wealthy, actually I have realized that I'm not smarter than my friends a long time ago. I think that intelligent person is someone that can solve problems, and I'm not very good at that. It's just that since I'm interested in more than just trivial stuff. I've said that in junior high I've found most girls to be shallow, but honestly everyone irritated me back then. I was deeply passionate about literature and my friends could only talk about cellphones and stupid tv shows! I know it doesn't make me better than anyone, but it sucked to have passion and have no one to share it with. Thanks God it's much better now in high school!

I can't get good grades because I have problems with concentration and memory. It's one of my biggest flaws and the reason why sometimes I have problems with everyday things. This is probably the biggest reason for my low self-esteem. I'm the dumbest smart person in the world!

NorwegianDJ, when I said that I am sensitive, I meant few things - that I'm very influenced by my emotions, that I'm afraid of getting hurt, that I don't want to hurt others. Now I don't think being so emotional is a good thing, but I like the fact that I don't want to hurt others, and "bad boy" shouldn't be afraid of doing that, right?
As I said, I thought that most of my peers are shallow because they had very trivial interests. I can never feel equal to my peers - I either feel superior or inferior to them or both at the same time. I know that in many ways I'm dumber than them, because they have more social intelligence and can solve problems much better.

Yeah, I masturbate quite a lot. Unlike some boys, I never thought that there is something wrong with that. Hormones made my very horny, and honestly it's hard for me to live without this substitute. I've also found out that masturbation often helps me to fall sleep, and I sometimes find it to be difficult. I will try to stop doing this, but honestly this is only of my 100 habits.

When I said that I'm stubborn, I meant that usually I refuse to conform and do what society tells me to. I know this is not always good...

I care about how society perceives me, but not as much as most of my friends. It has its good points, because sometimes I can do stuff that I enjoy but others find uncool (it's the reason why I still walk around my city with ridiculously big headphones on my head. Everybody laughs at me, but I just enjoy the music). Sometimes it's a bad thing - for example, the reason why I can't dance is because for a long time I have thought "why should give a damn?". Sometimes I say or do stupid ****, just because I'm convinced that no one likes me anyway, so why should I care?. For long time I didn't care about how I look or smell (of course, I wanted all the girls to look great - what a hypocrisy...) and I did gross things like digging in my nose and I hurt myself by biting epidermis on knuckles of my fingers. My fingers looked terrible... Thankfully I more or less stopped doing that, but it will take a lot time for my fingers to look at least decent. I still dig in my nose, though. I also forgot about basic hygiene - I went into shower only once or twice a week and I didn't use deodorant. I was exactly like the character from this Del Tha Funkee Homosapien song - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o0xDGXotGIE. I also farted a lot. I still do, but I try to always get away from people when I have to do it. I just go to bathroom, fart and wait until the smell disappears. Now I take care of my hygiene, but people who know me still remember that I used to be smelly, and usually when they feel some terrible smell coming from someone, they assume that it's me.

I know that a lot stuff that I read on internet is bull****. In fact I'm rather about getting help here, but you know, I thought "why I shouldn't I try as long as I don't have to buy some hintbooks?". It's just that some stuff I read made me wonder "so what, is it not enough that I will stop complaining, get some abs and start caring about myself? Do I have to act like a jerkass?"

I know that people need to change, but my pessimism prevents me from thinking that it's possible. I want to change, but not into someone TOTALLY different. I know change is unavoidable because after some time, LIFE will change me. I will have to grow up, move into bigger city, find job, earn money, bury my parents, all that stuff will change me in natural way. I don't want UNNATURAL change, and if I start pretending to be someone totally different than I really am, it definitely won't look natural and I won't feel good with it.

It's true that I need girl to fill my void, but it's not just that. In junior high, many of my friends had girlfriends and I've been infatuated with many girls, but I thought that I didn't really need a girlfriend at that stage of my life, not to mention the fact that I was terribly scared of any girl that I have found to be at least little bit attractive. It may be true that I didn't need a girlfriend back then, but now I think that the later I will start to have meaningful relationships with females, the harder it will be for me later. I know that you will criticize me for it, but for some time I thought being with a girl will help me to put my **** together, because I'll become a better person BECAUSE OF HER. Also when I started high school I thought "**** this school, I know I won't be accepted here. In university, I'll find people who'll like me for my uniqueness!". Ask any geek, he will always tell you that high school was terrible for him. Now, when I'm close to finishing high school, I finally started doing what I wanted to do for a long time - actually trying to improve myself.

Half year ago, I started exercising and I lost few pounds. It didn't exactly made me feel like a god and it didn't make me very confident, but at least the friend with whom I exercise started to respect me much more. He's my longtime friend, but not a long time he used to make fun of me. Now he doesn't respect me like I'm Vito Corleone, but he doesn't treat me like a total zero. I know I have a long way to go and I have few pounds to lose, but it's not as terrible as it used to be.

My lack of self-esteem may be my biggest flaw, but it's only one of many. I lack focus, basic orientation and problem-solving skills. I have a reputation of very clumsy person. Most of my friends already made driver licenses and when I tell them I want to have driver license too, they tell me that they I won't do it because I'm too dumb and clumsy for that.

It's hard for me to appreciate myself after I realized that what I thought were my good qualities are actually pretty worthless, and I have a lot of flaws that I don't how to change. Most of my friends already have a lot more life experience than I have, but I seem to be constantly stuck in one place and it's all because of those flaws.

When I turned out to be terrible dancer, nobody was surprised, because they know how clumsily I approach most things. In fact, many of my friends admit that the first time they saw me they thought I was a retard.

Now I know I have to be confident, but it seems like I have no basis for confidence. It's just hard for me to have high self-esteem, when all I can see is my flaws.

You say that I act like a girl... In fact, I have some female traits, probably because I was raised by women. Sometimes I think it would be easier for me if I was gay ; o.

I'm pretty tired of talking about myself right now . I think that in next post I will tell you about girls from my school and my unsuccessful attempts to have some fun with them and about one girl that I really want to get.

 

[GuyWithAProblem]

Jack Wealthy, actually I have realized that I'm not smarter than my friends a long time ago. I think that intelligent person is someone that can solve problems, and I'm not very good at that. It's just that since I'm interested in more than just trivial stuff. I've said that in junior high I've found most girls to be shallow, but honestly everyone irritated me back then. I was deeply passionate about literature and my friends could only talk about cellphones and stupid tv shows! I know it doesn't make me better than anyone, but it sucked to have passion and have no one to share it with. Thanks God it's much better now in high school!

I can't get good grades because I have problems with concentration and memory. It's one of my biggest flaws and the reason why sometimes I have problems with everyday things. This is probably the biggest reason for my low self-esteem. I'm the dumbest smart person in the world!

NorwegianDJ, when I said that I am sensitive, I meant few things - that I'm very influenced by my emotions, that I'm afraid of getting hurt, that I don't want to hurt others. Now I don't think being so emotional is a good thing, but I like the fact that I don't want to hurt others, and "bad boy" shouldn't be afraid of doing that, right?
As I said, I thought that most of my peers are shallow because they had very trivial interests. I can never feel equal to my peers - I either feel superior or inferior to them or both at the same time. I know that in many ways I'm dumber than them, because they have more social intelligence and can solve problems much better.

Yeah, I masturbate quite a lot. Unlike some boys, I never thought that there is something wrong with that. Hormones made my very horny, and honestly it's hard for me to live without this substitute. I've also found out that masturbation often helps me to fall sleep, and I sometimes find it to be difficult. I will try to stop doing this, but honestly this is only of my 100 habits.

When I said that I'm stubborn, I meant that usually I refuse to conform and do what society tells me to. I know this is not always good...

I care about how society perceives me, but not as much as most of my friends. It has its good points, because sometimes I can do stuff that I enjoy but others find uncool (it's the reason why I still walk around my city with ridiculously big headphones on my head. Everybody laughs at me, but I just enjoy the music). Sometimes it's a bad thing - for example, the reason why I can't dance is because for a long time I have thought "why should give a damn?". Sometimes I say or do stupid stuff, just because I'm convinced that no one likes me anyway, so why should I care?. For long time I didn't care about how I look or smell (of course, I wanted all the girls to look great - what a hypocrisy...) and I did gross things like digging in my nose and I hurt myself by biting epidermis on knuckles of my fingers. My fingers looked terrible... Thankfully I more or less stopped doing that, but it will take a lot time for my fingers to look at least decent. I still dig in my nose, though. I also forgot about basic hygiene - I went into shower only once or twice a week and I didn't use deodorant. I was exactly like the character from this Del Tha Funkee Homosapien song - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o0xDGXotGIE. I also farted a lot. I still do, but I try to always get away from people when I have to do it. I just go to bathroom, fart and wait until the smell disappears. Now I take care of my hygiene, but people who know me still remember that I used to be smelly, and usually when they feel some terrible smell coming from someone, they assume that it's me.

I know that a lot stuff that I read on internet is stupid. In fact I'm rather pessimistic about getting help here, but you know, I thought "why I shouldn't I try as long as I don't have to buy some hintbooks?". It's just that some stuff I read made me wonder "so what, is it not enough that I will stop complaining, get some abs and start caring about myself? Do I have to act like a jerkass?"

I know that people need to change, but my pessimism prevents me from thinking that it's possible. I want to change, but not into someone TOTALLY different. I know change is unavoidable because after some time, LIFE will change me. I will have to grow up, move into bigger city, find job, earn money, bury my parents, all that stuff will change me in natural way. I don't want UNNATURAL change, and if I start pretending to be someone totally different than I really am, it definitely won't look natural and I won't feel good with it.

It's true that I need girl to fill my void, but it's not just that. In junior high, many of my friends had girlfriends and I've been infatuated with many girls, but I thought that I didn't really need a girlfriend at that stage of my life, not to mention the fact that I was terribly scared of any girl that I have found to be at least little bit attractive. It may be true that I didn't need a girlfriend back then, but now I think that the later I will start to have meaningful relationships with females, the harder it will be for me later. I know that you will criticize me for it, but for some time I thought being with a girl will help me to put my s*** together, because I'll become a better person BECAUSE OF HER. Also when I started high school I thought "f*** this school, I know I won't be accepted here. In university, I'll find people who'll like me for my uniqueness!". Ask any geek, he will always tell you that high school was terrible for him. Now, when I'm close to finishing high school, I finally started doing what I wanted to do for a long time - actually trying to improve myself.

Half year ago, I started exercising and I lost few pounds. It didn't exactly made me feel like a god and it didn't make me very confident, but at least the friend with whom I exercise started to respect me much more. He's my longtime friend, but not a long time he used to make fun of me. Now he doesn't respect me like I'm Vito Corleone, but he doesn't treat me like a total zero. I know I have a long way to go and I have few pounds to lose, but it's not as terrible as it used to be.

My lack of self-esteem may be my biggest flaw, but it's only one of many. I lack focus, basic orientation and problem-solving skills. I have a reputation of very clumsy person. Most of my friends already made driver licenses and when I tell them I want to have driver license too, they tell me that they I won't do it because I'm too dumb and clumsy for that.

It's hard for me to appreciate myself after I realized that what I thought were my good qualities are actually pretty worthless, and I have a lot of flaws that I don't how to change. Most of my friends already have a lot more life experience than I have, but I seem to be constantly stuck in one place and it's all because of those flaws.

When I turned out to be terrible dancer, nobody was surprised, because they know how clumsily I approach most things. In fact, many of my friends admit that the first time they saw me they thought I was a retard.

Now I know I have to be confident, but it seems like I have no basis for confidence. It's just hard for me to have high self-esteem, when all I can see is my flaws.

You say that I act like a girl... In fact, I have some female traits, probably because I was raised by women. Sometimes I think it would be easier for me if I was gay ; o.

I'm pretty tired of talking about myself right now . I think that in next post I will tell you about girls from my school and my unsuccessful attempts to have some fun with them and about one girl that I really want to get.

 

[MrP]

I know what you mean. I have had a very similar past.

Confidence is best built by momentum. Gradually pushing your comfort zone is the way to go.

I want you to enjoy Christmas, then get your @ss out in public and push yourself. :rockon:

And about your last paragraph, oneitis is something you should drop right now.

 

[GuyWithAProblem]

I hope that it'll have great time! I often go out, but I usually go with the same people and don't anyone new or just use going out just as an opportunity to get drunk.

Two months ago, I went to disco and it was absolute disaster. I approached all the girls I knew to make them dance with me and only one of them didn't refuse! I tried to approach them in confident way, because I knew that asking them politely to dance with me never works, so just like all of my friends I tried to pull them by their arms and give them look that said "get your ass up on the dancefloor!" - it always works for my friends!. Either I pulled too soft or too hard or my gaze wasn't commanding enough, because it didn't work for me. At first I was cool, but after some time I started to look desperate.

About the girl that I want to get - it's not really a bad case of oneitis, but she's only girl in my class who is very nice to me and also happens to be very cute. She has boyfriend who basically acts like her servant. He acted like this long before he became her boyfriend. He fell in love in her sometime ago, but she had a different boyfriend, so he just followed her, waiting until she breaks up with him. She eventually did it three monts ago, so he became her boyfriend immediately. He basically did it the least "alpha" way possible, but he's with her, so he's happier than me! It was about that time when I noticed how cute and nice to me she is (and there aren't only few girls in my class who at least seem to like me), so despite not being the kind of guy who breaks relationships, I started to try to make her notice her. I did it in a way that wasn't very alpha, but I didn't become obsessed with her like her present boyfriend. I just became a perfect gentleman in front of her (yeah, that's not very "alpha"), always giving her compliments and smiling to her. I thought "she'll dump his loser ass soon anyway, so why can't I make a move on her? She'll fall into my arms right after she leaves me!". I noticed that she gave me a lot of little signals. One day I asked her "Is he your boyfriend or your servant?" and she told me "he's not my boyfriend anymore". Next day, I saw her holding hands with him, so I asked her once again if he is her boyfriend, and she answered "I'm not sure". After few days I decided it's not worth chasing a girl that acts like this. I still find her very cute and after I gave up on her, I started to feel little aimless. However, I feel that I have made some kind of progress, because the previous time I've had crush on girl from my school, I was afraid to talk to her, even though she was very friendly to me.

There are few girls in my school that I feel I have some chance with. One is a girl that is isn't ugly and is considered to be attractive by many of my friends but who I don't find very pretty personally. She once told me that I'm sexy and I thought she was joking (she has a great sense of humour, by the way) so I asked if she was serious and she told me that she wasn't joking. She is someone that is fun to have around, but I am not really attracted to her.

There was one girl that once acted almost like my groupie, even though all I did was making fun of her. I know that I could get at least a kiss from her, but I was too surprised and embarassed to get anything from it. I neither like her very much nor find her very attractive and I rejected her rather coldly. Now I regret that, because at least I've had a chance to get a kiss or something.

There is also a girl who's a sister of my sister's best friend. She's very attractive and from what I heard about her she is a kind of female "alpha" and she's of course way out of my league. But you know, what the hell, real men are fearless, right? I could make a "neg-hit" on her because while I find her very attractive, I'm very irritated by her make-up (why does she wear so much of it?) and I think could easily play unimpressed by her looks. She heard a lot about from me from her little sister though, so

I don't think I have a chance with most of girls I know, because I have embarassed myself in front of them too many times and they're just prejudiced to me. I live in small city, but there are a lot of girls that don't even know who I am and I can start completely fresh with them.

I should also mention that I create some music. I make hip-hop and it may sound funny to hear about guy like me rapping, but there's actually a lot of hip-hop made by nerdy and needy guys who are nevertheless deeply dedicated to their genre . There is a song by The Pharcyde called "Passing me by" which is sort of an anthem for every AFC, check it out if you haven't. Recently I started freestyling with guy who is a sort of a local star and if I start showing my lyrical skillz I may meet some girls.

 

[SharinganUser]

Get outside of your head. In the time you wrote all that you could've worked on your rap skills.

 

[GuyWithAProblem]

I actually worked on that, because I got up very early today : o. Actually I have written all that I wanted to write, but I can't really DO anything that will help me meet girls, because you know, it's christmas and I will spend time with family.

 

[NorwegianDJ]

I'm writing this as a response to your new post about yourself - not girls.
You are describing a lot of stuff, and Im not in the right headspace to answer all of that right now.

I want you to read "The power of Now" and "A new earth" By Eckhart Tolle, they explain some of what I'm getting into now.

You keep saying you're bad at so many things. This is virtually not possible, unless you never practice any of those things or things that correlate with it.
What I believe, is that you aren't as bad as you think.

As humans, we are brought up by our environments. If you drew a drawing when you were little, and people said "You are so creative" "That's such a nice drawing", then you would naturally think you were creative. The worst part is that you might end up going in that direction for the rest of your life. Hopefully you enjoy it. When you were a kid, you didn't know not to jump out a window or eat dirt, but how did you learn it? 2nd hand learning. You looked upon others for reaction. When you were about to eat dirt, then you saw the facial expressions of the adults, and you stopped.

You have identified with being bad at stuff, therefore it is hard for you to move on. You might have to realize that you are no victim. You cannot deal yourself the victim-card. That's just giving up.

You wanna know how to get out of this place? You wanna know what TO DO!? Promise me that you will do this?
I believe that some things in life is a vicious cycle (especially things involving the ego). It's the Newbie's paradox.

In order to get confidence, you have to get reference experience. But here is where the problem is: To get reference experience, you must act in contrast to your mind. You must act in spite of fear. - You are NOT your mind.

How you do this is up to you, but keep a few things in mind: This will solve almost all your "problems" (READ THE BOOKS).
You can do it like me: Take baby (pvssy) steps and slowly push yourself, while gaining knowledge by mentally masturbating. This method takes months, but the process will speed itself up after a while. I tell you, this is a waste of time.

On RSD bootcamps people change their whole personality massively in 3 days. This is because they are put under intense pressure, and the instructors know their stuff.

Now, what I recommend you to do: PUSH YOURSELF, HARD. You are already in the right place; realize that. You DO NOT CARE. You said it yourself, you do not care what people think. You said you care about what society thinks; this is always BAD. It's your ego. I promise you, if you do this for a week, then you will never want to turn back. If you are able to make this fun for yourself, then you will have the time of your life.

The first steps are the hardest. My advice is to JUST DO IT. You simply have to. Realize that you do not like your current situation, and THIS is the way out. Realize that your ego wants to stay in your current possition. It's your comfort-zone. It will rationalize why you shouldn't do this. SCREW THAT!!! DO THIS!

I want you to go outside, and approach strangers. Approach the first person you see, just do it! Make it a goal to get rejected. Make it a goal to approach. It's a WIN/WIN, you're not here for numbers, they are bonuses!
Approach especially chicks, do not excuse many, I dont care if they are walking etc (See ego, rationalizing), make it a personal challenge. Make it fun for YOU. Say stuff that you think are hilarious.

Wanna take this a step further? Humiliation. Most males would rather get in a fight, than being humiliated. If you humiliate yourself in public, then you will gain true freedom.
We're talking: singing in traffic, walking backwards, hugging a tree and talking to people, telling embarresing stories out loud to no one while people walk around. Open sets 10 meters away, and so forth.

I promise you, after 5 minutes of this, you will feel a momentum, after 1 hour you will either be embarrassed, mad happy or both. After 1 day of this, you will never think of going back. You will discover an immense inner joy, a happiness of just being.

I'm getting hyped up writing about this, now please do it, I know I will soon.

Rejection is ALWAYS better than regret.

 

[GuyWithAProblem]

I actually humiliated myself few times too many and I wouldn't say it is a good thing. I actually sort of made it a habit. I'm not sure it is good - few humiliations were actually fun (I can't prevent myself from wild dancing anytime I hear some cheesy song from 70s or 80s and I don't even have to get drunk! Sometimes when I am in school I play some funky song in my head and start pretending to be James Brown! People can't believe I do stuff while being sober), but girls seem to only look at me like I'm some kind of lunatic. I always try to make girls join me, but they never do. Sometimes when on I'm a party I just party with myself, because I NEED to have some kind of fun. I know that if I used this ability right I could be soul of every party. My problem is that I can't talk with people on parties. I can't actually talk about things people talk about and join conversations, I just say whatever pops up in my head. I have reputation of funny guy who gets VERY timesome after some time. But do not worry, I do not take myself very seriously.

Doing this is actually my "comfort zone", even though most men would find it terrifying. I'm just afraid of doing things I haven't done yet.

Recently, I tried to stop masturbating and I got to tell you that it was a BIG FAIL. I don't masturbate during the day, but I simply NEED to do it before I go to sleep, because I WON'T fall asleep without wanking, I'm just too horny. I tried to use the accumulated energy to do some workout and it's actually easier for me to do push-ups when I'm super-horny and it works during the day, but I CAN'T fall asleep without doing some wanking. Sorry.

I understand what you say about me not being my mind. Everyday I try to do things that I don't feel like doing, but I'm not very good at it yet. Unfortunately, I treat taking care of myself as a painful chore. When my friends take me to workout, I always complain a lot, because I would rather sit at home and listen to some music. The same goes for taking care of my hygiene. Now I know that I need to motivate myself, and not just rely on others to do it. I started working out on my own and I need to learn to actually enjoy it - I remember I hated it at first and now I don't really like it but I do it because it's necessary. I need to start loving it and actually trying my best.

Yesterday and today I felt more manly than I ever did. I wonder how long will it last .

 

[NorwegianDJ]

I love your first paragraph, great stuff.
I can tell what problems you have, but I'm not sure how to word them myself, so I'll link you to some material.

I don't know what to tell you, as that stuff is outside my comfort-zone. Try pushing your other comfort-zones! Chicks, public speaking etc. My stuff in the post above still applies, do stuff you're not comfortable doing.

Try staying in the moment. Change your mindset. I think your main problem is how you view yourself. Apply the same standards to yourself as you apply to others. Complaining is the ego reinforcing itself. It does not want change, change can be dangerous. Change is leaving your comfort-zone. Stop this, go work out. Some things simply has to be done. Make habits, some things you just have to do, but working out can also be great fun when you see the results and get into it.

Read "A new Earth" by Eckhart Tolle, I think this book will benefit YOU greatly!

I'll PM you some stuff. Go apply.

It will increase, and if done right, it will be permanent.

I truly believe that you will become great with chicks.

 

[Jack Wealthy]

Always trying to make girls join you is bad. Act like they should already be doing it with you.
OR, even better, don't act like James Brown. I don't know who that is, so its a good sign it's not cool.

 

[JustLurk]

I'll answer what I can. Not much time.
Memory/concentraton problems? Unless you have a learning disability, and if you do you should have been receiving specialist attention by now, you can improve these things. Drastically. If you start doing memory or concentration exercises, like the imagination and meditation ones in intro to hermetica, you will improve your concentration. Memory? Search up memory games.

The most important thing is routine practice. If you routinely focus memory and concentration techniques you will absolutely get better. The brain is amazingly adaptive, and if it can adapt after brain trauma it can adapt to this.

 

[JustLurk]

EDIT: Sorry, must have double posted.

 

[BROner]

Skimmed a little here and there, and from what I've read, you need confidence. Big time. Stop looking at yourself and everyone else negatively, but look at all the positive things you can find. Start with seeing positives in yourself, and then move onto other people.

Other things that might help:
Wardrobe change. "Look[ing] like a freak" can be easily changed.
Listen to upbeat music. I like a lot of rap or techno, and even a lot of metal is good if you listen to the MUSIC and not the lyrics. Listen to stuff that makes you feel happy and/or energized.

 

[GuyWithAProblem]

I went to a bar today. Not a lot of people came and there was supposed to be karaoke (there weren't), but I approached some girls I didn't even know and then two girls I knew a lot time ago but haven't talked to for like 4 years, and you know what? It was great! Neither of them were really appealing to me, but I've had a fun conversation. I didn't do anything "alpha" or "DJ", but they were shouting "you're ****ing awesome!" when I was walking away, so it seems they enjoyed my presence. I think that talking to strangers or semi-strangers is much easier for me than talking to most of girls I know, because I can make good first impression and nobody reminds of my flaws or stupid things I did or said.

Asking girls for dance is still a terrible nightmare for me. I tried to do it gently, I tried to do it forcefully and now I just think "oh, screw dancing!".

 

[NorwegianDJ]

You're doing good bro. If you keep on approaching strangers and semi-strangers on a regular basis, you will be good in no time! It's all about always pushing your comfort-zone, even if it's not much.