How to beat extreme shyness?

[Gitzo]

Hello everyone, I have a terrible problem with being shy. I can’t bring myself to talk with other people and this has truly crippled my life. I’m a 24 year old virgin who has never had a girlfriend because of overwhelming shyness. I’m not an ugly guy, it’s just that other people see me as being inferior to them. At my job everyone always talks down to me and treats me like I’m retarded. It makes me feel bad, but I can’t really blame them because after two years of working there I have never even had a single conversation with any of my coworkers. It’s not because I don’t want to, it’s because I can’t. I’ve tried many times to strike up a conversation but my mind goes totally blank leaving me unable to come up with a single thing to say.

I don’t know how to fix this, and life is really beginning to become painful for me.

I use to not be like this. I’ve always been a little shy, but it has never prevented me from talking to other people. This extreme shyness didn’t hit me until I was 18, and once it did life after feels like nothing more then a blink. Time seems to be running out and I don’t know what to do. I’m almost 25 and I feel like I‘m 60. I even started balding a few years ago and this past year it has hit me hard, I’ve lost so much hair that I now wear a hat everywhere I go. Going bald so fast so young has been a huge blow to what little confidence I once had.

I need help. I need to overcome this shyness and learn how to live life because I can see now that if I don’t then many years down the road everything is going to end with me hanging from a self made noose.

 

[Thomas94305]

I've been very shy too. You simply have to face your fears. Try the DJ boot camp. Even just getting through the first week of saying Hi's will do a lot.

 

[persiangino]

It seems like your shyness may be percieved as arrogance by your peers, consequently resulting in them ignoring you? If this is the case, you might have Avoidant Personality Disorder and should consult a psychiatrist to recieve treatment.

 

[Hastur]

Going bald? Shave that sucker and grow a goatee! Go to the gym work out, after a couple of months you will feel like you can do anything. Do things to make you feel better about yourself. If you improve on other areas of your life your confidence will grow.

 

[6-heads lewis]

going to the gym and getting big is a good idea, take it from me a grade-A wierdo who probably has avoidant personality disorder. as you get bigger you will be expected to talk less, people just respect your space more and think more of you, anxiety goes WAY down. check out health&fitness forum, or ask me i can help you with a weightlifting routine and diet if you have no experience.

following a bunch of silly games and drills isnt going to help you, you probably have a personality disorder or some kind of mental trauma. the petty advice given here will not help but only give you false hope (no offense to the board).

i suggest going to a prositute to lose your virginity, and honestly, get rid of the idea of dinenr and a movie, finding your soulmate, blah blah blah. youre probably not going to change that much from today to death, learn to live with that. women do not want social oddballs. dont go around desparate for loev and affection, see prositutes as your prime way of getting sex (there is no shame in that), or consider going overseas to a 3rd-world country to get a wife.

lots of good-looking rich and outgoing people go overseas to get their dream wives, they are generally more obedient, respectful and grateful, not to mention hotter.

 

[TillTheEndOfTime]

i suggest going to a prositute to lose your virginity

Sorry but this piece of advice is bullsh1t. "Virginity" is not a disease. There is no rush to lose it.

 

[6-heads lewis]

It seems like your shyness may be percieved as arrogance by your peers, consequently resulting in them ignoring you? If this is the case, you might have Avoidant Personality Disorder and should consult a psychiatrist to recieve treatment.

i didnt read the thread before making my post, this is good advice.

this has happened to me before, i felt outcasted and inferior so i didnt smile at anyone or show any emotion (vulnerability), when i finally did talk to some people they seemed visibly nervous around me, like they wanted to talk to me but just thought i was an arrogant ******* or that I thought they were losers not worth talking to. this is only true if you seem relatively strong and stable with great body language and tonality (i was a great actor), if youre walking around depressed-0looking and hunched over i doubt they will perceive you as arrogant, but rather just a loser.

after two years of not talking to anyone and going blank and nervous in conversations, its unlikely people think youre arrogant, they know youre wierd by now. sorry but its true.

 

[6-heads lewis]

oh get off your high horse, he's obviously handicapped by his sexual inexperience, and i doubt women will be too enthusiastic to have sex with a 25-year-old shy virgin. going to a prositute to get some seuxal confidence, lose the desparation is NOT a bad idea.

 

[6-heads lewis]

superchill, you're way oversimplifying the matter, and dont call me an idiot u a sshole. if you can just read some ebooks and solve your problem, it just means youre a loser or someone who moevd around a lot and didnt make stable friends, not someone with a genuine problem. And I doubt you were 25 and unable to converse with your co-workers after knowing them for 2 years, youre probably just a 130lb 16year old goign through the akwardness of puberty.

at 25 he has the social maturity of a high school freshman. i dont mean to be condescending but its true. google 'suicide forum' and read the COUNTLESS posts of people just like that who never got help, kept false hopes and are now on the brink of killing themselves.

i have a family member with an obvious and debilitating social impairment, its NOT solved by simply talking to strangers at cofee shops or cashiers.

i highly recommend you go to a psychiatrist, but if you do take the simple route and follow the advice of simpletons like superchill, dont expect quick results and be realistic with your evaluations. if its not working, go to a professional.

 

[Jay Jay]

1. TIME IS NOT RUNNING OUT. I am 30. I'm still pulling chicks in their early 20s. In fact it seems the girls in their hottest years are finding me more attractive with each passing year (I am a bit worried that I am the peak now tho!).

25 seems old to you coz its the oldest you've ever been (does not my insight stun you?). It really is ****ing young. Chill.

2. On going bald... don't sweat it brother. Shave your head. I started shaving my head at 21 years old. The chick love it.

3. Confidence isn't like height (or hair) that you either have it or you don't. It is like muscles, it can be grown, sculpted, worked on.

Join a gym or do yoga or a martial art. That **** makes you feel good about yourself. Any self improvement breeds confidence.

Stop watching TV and looking at porn. That **** undermines your confidence and makes you have unrealistic expectations out of how people live. Instead watch a lot of stand up comedy... you'll pick up on humour and comedy timing subconsciously and laughter will make you feel good.

Get into self hypnosis and meditation.

I know this will sound like a wank but try focussing on the good things you have and instead of thinking what you don't have imagine how good you are going to feel when you get it.

Face another fear other than talking to people, jump out of a plane or something.

Get a new job. Start again. Its a lot easier to get the respect from people you don't know then those who you feel insecure about.

Finally.

You are going to have to bite the bullet and face your fears. Start talking to girls in shops, waitresses... girls that are paid to be nice to you. Go to speed dating. Start off small and work your way up. Start with "hi's" and a smile. Talk about the weather... whatever... just start interacting, if you don't use it you lose it.

Rome wasn't built in a day and neither is confidence or success. Just keep working on yourself. Any small improvement is success. Nothing is difficult to achieve. Sometimes success is MANY small easy achievements, but if you focus on one step at a time you WILL IMPROVE.

Dude, you are a man, who is educated and have the financial reasources to get online. That makes you one of the most powerful beings ever to walk on this planet. You are the result of billions of years of evolution, where the weak have been whittled away and only the strong have marched on. You are at the top of the food chain. Change your thinking and you will see that NOTHING is beyond you.

JJ

 

[itishe]

You need to stop giving a ****. People usually need a dramatic change in their life for this attitude to come about i.e. LT GF leaving you for your brother, all of your family dying at once, etc.

Try doing a few things that take you out of your comfort zone.

 

[ValleyDJing]

Good luck with that bro. I suffer the same deal. Not as bad as you, I can hold conversations with people, but I can't approach. Can't do it. Doesn't matter how hott the chick is, or how confident I'm feeling, cold approaching is something I can't make myself do no matter how s.hitty I feel after not doing it. The bread and butter of my game comes from basically becoming friends with a lot of girls, then gaming them and converting from friends...to, well you know. Its fairly successful, but I know I could be like the biggest pimp ever if I could cold approach.

 

[TsubiS]

Yer look, its simple the reason your shy is, your not comfortable with your own abilities, character..

Do you like hanging out with you? Cause if you dont no one else will.

Solution do some character building exercises =D

Learn to love and respect yourself more, spend more time with yourself, not thinking but go out and enjoy your life on your terms.

Go buy that thing you've wanted, go buy the clothes that make you look hot.

Go to that car show/art show/boat show/museum/club/concert/Gym whatever. and understand how you work, what you think what you feel, get comfortable in your own opinions.

And alongside improving bettering yourself and enjoying your own company more. You'll learn to care less what other people think.

When you care what others think of you, it comes out in your body language your tone, hell everything and it's weak. No one likes talking to someone who isn't sure of himself.

Now get out of your shell and live life!

TSUBIS

 

[6-heads lewis]

You have to be kidding me... so working to improve yourself is the "simple route"? What would that make giving up and resorting to prostitutes? you really think that he'll be any happier if he stays where he is in regards to social skills? if you actually read his post you'd see that getting laid isn't even his number one priority. how would lowering yourself to prostitutes solve anything? and i'm not even sweatin ur ridiculous attacks on me. my game isn't great but i've come such a long way from where i've started and i believe that with effort, he can too.

Look at what you said in your original post. You said he's not going to change that much from today to death. The reason I called you an idiot is because by saying that you are basically telling him to just give up all hope and not even try to improve himself. Lots of people on this site are in that position. Are you saying they should all give up and resort to prostitutes?

1) I dont know how you could be personally offended, I was pointing out the difference between a shy, underdeveloped high-schooler (which is normal) compared to a 25-year-old who cant to talk to his co-workers without extreme anxiety. I dont know - or care - about the status of your "game".

2) You equate prositution with "giving up", not only sexually but in life as well. Hugh Grant went to a hooker, as did Eddie Murphy (albeit a transvestite). P Diddy was spotted in a Brazil brothel. In the book "Predatory Female" Reverend Shannon recommends men live independently and free of relationships, and if they get horny to skip the dating and marriage idea and go straight to prostitutes. And he's a fukn reverend! Escorts are never in low demand, so I guess the entire world is full of losers who are giving up, except for you of course right?

Economically speaking it is easy to argue that prositutes are a more cost efficient and dependable way of attaining sex, as opposed to the time and money spent improving your appearance, caring for your diet, going shopping, talking to women, going out on dates, etc. One must also weigh the indignities and anxiety brought by rejection and uncertainty.

There are many ways to improve yourself, I already strongly endorsed exercise and diet, which requires dedication and work ethic, far from "giving up". Your idea of self improvement seems to be randomly approaching women on the street and asking them "who lies more - men or women?" with a '****y and funny' attitude, which is not the best use of his time.

 

[shydude]

Ouchy. We all have and had problems, but problems dont just go away, you have to take care of them. Life is short, and its getting shorter everyday. You have to do something about it. Talk to people, you have nothing to loose, start talking more to your good friends, then move on to strangers, take small steps at a time. Just remember you have nothing to loose, and you have to start living. You are simply survivng right now..

 

[danielzxc]

6 heads, I kinda agree with you. In cases this extreme, I don't think a person will really that all that much. But I don't think you're justified in claiming this is how he's gonna be till the day he dies. Because the thing about being at rock bottom is that just making a few small improvements here and there will translate into a big difference in his experience of life. Having said that, I highly doubt a guy like this would ever become a life of the party type. (I mean, I'm talking about guys at the absolute bottom of the stack. I've seen average guys get "reallly good", but never someone who absolutel totally sucked this much.)

Superchill, you are right too though, that with effort it is more than reasonable to believe he can change things up. Jus how much though, that is the question.

oh, yeah, and no, nobody is mistaking this guy for arrogant, get real. People mistake you for arrogant when you're (at least reasonably) good looking, in shape, wear nice clothes, seem smart and cool, but you have a tendency to keep to yourself. They don't know that deep inside you're just plain anxious/scared. But someone whose anxiety makes him stutter when he's just asking the time, who goes blank when you just say "hey, nice weather we're having", who has no style (clothing), who is anorexic or obese etc etc nobody is mistaking these people for arrogant. People just think "loser".