How to be friends and make her want more

[myfriendblu]

Fair enough becker, sounds good to me as well. You got to remember, 99.9 percent of the men in this world are hopelessly AFC, and you pretty much know why they should NOT be hanging out with girls as friends.

That being said, you seem to have your head on straight and skills intact. If you got the spare time to hang with this broad, go for it then. but TRUST me on this - when you meet a real hotty your banging on a regular basis, heck TWO hotties, she will soon become an after thought. Trust me on this, you won't wanna spare any time on her.

 

[NewMan]

long and terrible...

It's a long and arduous task...

Yeah, I let a good one get away....

things were not working out - she was smoking far to much
Pot - and not paying me much attention towars the end.

Actually, the reason for all of this was her job. She was under tremendous pressure - her boos was a Biatch of the highest kind - totaly jealous of my ex and playing consistant mind games with her. She would move my ex into an office, then move her out 2 months later for someone else. She promised her a promotion which never materialized... she told the girls my ex worked with the my ex talked sh#t about them behind their back etc. etc.

This took a tremendous toll on my ex. I would pick her up from work and she would be emotionally drained.

She used pot to self medicate - but this just dragged on and on. She was going to leave, but we just could not afford to live in the house that she was buying plus the 2 cars we had (we live in LA, so housing is expensive). So she couldn't leave she had to find another job. The job market being soft for the studios - this wasn't easy.

She finally got offered a job - I finally was at the end of my tether with the lack of sex, attention - and she just pulled away. We argued during this period. She wanted to get married - I wanted to wait until I got my green card (originally from the UK) and she got a new job.

Then one day she picked me up from work and told me that she's not feeling it anymore. That she believes we need space - that she needs to find herself again.

I agreed - I moved out. She wanted me to stay that weekend (it was July 2nd) - I new if I stayed I would end up not leaving - and we would try and work it out again - I believed the best for the both of us would be for me to leave ASAP.

I spent one last night with her.

That night we spent together - was so sureal. We held onto each other all night - I don't think we slept much, we kissed, held each other, she cried....

Thats the story.

We don't really talk - I know she's not seeing anyone else (I have my spies - her sister and another girl) - and I think she genuinly needs to find herself after beign so unhappy.

The future? perhaps? I'm not holding out for it - I've been dating others - and screwing 2 chicks - so I definitely am not holding out.

If she calls me - all the better, I will tak and see what she has to say....

If not - life goes on.

 

[becker]

myfriendblu, I definitely agree with you on that, I'm not in a relationship at the moment, so I'm certainly free to do whatever I want. I'm sort of in that mode where I'm not going to work too hard to find women right now, and if it happens, great, but I won't be crying if it doesn't. Probably just a little burned out and I need some relaxation and downtime and it's nice not to be on call every minute and just kick back. I can do that with this girl without having to think about anything yet be able to surround myself with eye candy. As I said, I don't have a problem just being around hot women and just sort of enjoying the view, the company, and attention. Maybe I'm just a male attention wh*re?? No, just kidding.

I can tell you one problem with these hot women as friends is that once you get a GF, you can bet your A$$ that you're not going to get much opportunity to see them, unless you're in the mood for an argument. This happened with my ex-GF. I had these hot women friends, and even though they had BFs, she couldn't handle it. It's tough, and you literally are put on the spot to make a choice. Again, it can be empowering, but sometimes a difficult situation.

 

[myfriendblu]

Originally posted by NewMan
- she was smoking far to much
Pot - and not paying me much attention towars the end.

.

Newguy
Don't mean to skew off topic here, but -
I like the occasional joint, here and there, 1-2 times a month, no biggie. However, EVERY pot smoker I dated I ended up having some issues with, one way or another. It never ended good. I don't think its the pot, maybe its the type of people that smoke alot aren't going to be exactly the best GF's in the world. I dunno, but Im curious to know your experiences in dating the pot tokin females.

Becker,
Yep I could pretty much figure out right away that you weren't dating anyone serious. You gotta see it from my point of view - I got a full time gig, take a couple classes a week, spend alot of time with my guy friends plus Im juggling 3 fuk buddies. As you can see, Im not wasting any time hanging out with a girl that Im not scorin with. Point Im tryin to make, is that when you invest time in a friendship like, with another guy, its supposed to last and you should get alot out of the friendship. Good times, someone to help you when you need favors, place to crash, borrow money from, etc. etc. Now with the girl, you even said it yourself, that, when you start dating a HB, you probably aren't gonna be friends with her. point Im tryin to make, why even bother? She might be a good way to kill time for now, something to do, but shouldn't you be using your time alot more wisely?

 

[NewMan]

MFB,

My ecperience with the pot smoking GF...


You have to understand firstly I'm not against Pot - and everyone to their own. I'd prefer a good scotch and a cigar myself, but I've been known to smoke - and I'd do it with my ex because she liked it.


Intially everything was fine with us - she'd smoke but perhaps twice a week. She used to smoke a lot before I came into the picutre (her ex BF started her up on it). But as we became more and more of a couple - and eventually into a LTR - she smoked more. It was fine at first - we were not living together - when she came to see me she didn't smoke - when I went there she didn't either - not all the time.

When I moved in with her, thats when she started smoking more and more.

She smoked almost every day. She'd get high after dinner - sometimes before dinner (when I went to the gym and got home at 8).

Around 9:30 or 10 - more often than not she'd be sleeping on the sofa - unless we were going out. All her friends smoked - and funny enough, she had no friends that didn't smoke.

It was tough - weeknights perhaps 3 tiems a week I'd end up carrying her to bed around 11:30 - 12. She'd wake up, clean her teeth etc the goto back to bed. Sometimes she would wake up at 11 - and we ready to go - so then she'd decide to clean, or watch tv or play poker online until 2 in the morining.

She'd wake up tired, come home from work tired.

Sex was non exsistant monday to friday. I could have probably pushed for sex more often and made more moves, but after a while when you girl is telling you she tired all the time - or when she's high every night - you just lose interest.

As I said, I take some responsibility for the amounf she smoked. Plus her job situation put her under a lot of pressure. But no excuses.

I used to talk to her about it every so often - she'd cut back, but ultimately she'd get back to her old ways.

It got to the point where we couldn't go away for the weekend without her figuring how she's doing to bring the pot with her. We'd goto Vegas, and she'd smoke on the way, there, and on the way back.

We couldn't watch a movie together without her falling asleep.

Problem was her sister deals - so she had regular access to the green herb.

You would never know she did it by looking at her - she'd smart, intelligent and full of energy (when not smoking) - but I know different.

 

[becker]

Good point again, myfriendblu.

Like I said, I'm trying to lay low for a while, and personally, the girl chasing is getting a little tiring, and I think I need a break from it all. I mean, it's not like I'll just drop this girl when I get a GF, I'm just saying that it's going to lead to arguments, but I think you need to stand up for the girl too, especially since nothing is going on between you two.

I guess you have a lot more going on right now and you maybe have a little less time to spare. I will probably be like that soon too, but until then I'm ok with where I am. I have guy friends that I hang out with, but I think it's just that I enjoy being around beautiful women more than my guy friends. Most guys I know are your typical p*ssy hunters, and I sit back and watch while they try to hit on these hot women I am friends with to no avail, then listen as they call me crazy for not trying to sack up with these women. I mean, I guess I'm just mellow and a pretty atypical male.

To most people, if they see me with women, they always wonder how I get these women, because I seem passive, indifferent, and not that aggressive. I try to tell people that's what they have to do, but they don't believe me. Furthermore, I see my friends struggle to find their words sometimes when there is a hot girl, and then they have these ugly girls around them (at least by my standards) who they don't want. I just try to be a likeable guy to everyone. You need to be the kind of guy that nobody can hate even if they tried.

Having HBs around me makes even guys want to be around me, since they want to know my secret, and I don't have one, although this is one of those threads where I'm trying to explain it the best I can. Sometimes I'll introduce some guys I know to some of these hot women, but they'll ignore them and come back to me. I know it definitely has something to do with the fact that I give off the vibe that I'm not what I'd call "chasing sex", and most guys give off this sort of desperate vibe or when I sit back and watch them operate, I could see that they're after only one thing. I don't think I give off that vibe because I'm actually NOT after only one thing. I think it's something you can't fake, and I think too many guys try to, but it's so easy to see right through it.

I guess the best way to describe me is the strong silent type, and I guess that tends to attract the HBs. I didn't plan it that way, that's just the way I am. People always want to figure me out. I'm not strongly swayed, and all my life, people I know tend to try to get me to do stuff that I don't give a crap about, yet this only makes them try harder. Go figure. Similar to these HBs. I'll meet them, and after they get to know me, and after a certain period of time of knowing them, they start wondering why I'm not making all these moves on them, and they start getting a little more touchy feely, or whatever. But hey, I don't question it, I just make sure I know that I'm the one in control. I also have been told I'm a pretty good looking guy, so I guess that can't hurt, but I don't proclaim myself a DJ, or at least I don't make a conscious effort to be one.

An example would be this very situation. People can never understand how I'm ok being in this position with this girl, yet to me I don't even know what the big fuss is. (I'm used to getting the response that NewMan and myfriendblu has given). I think this has helped me because I never appear needy and the hottest girl will get my attention, but there's no chance I'll be a doormat to her. If you're around enough hot women, you learn how to treat them in a way that makes them want you. I guess the key is to not be thinking about sex all the time, which for 99.9999% of men, is not possible if a HB is involved. I've also been an athlete all my life, so mentally, I'm pretty disciplined. Gotta have some discipline guys, it's key..

 

[myfriendblu]

Becker,
Seems like you got it under control. Well, I say hang with her then. But do be quick to cut it off once you get busy, get a new girl.

Newman,
Dam, we musta dated the same girl, LOL, cause your story is EXACTLY the same as the pot head girl I dated. Crazy. Same thing bro. She would smoke every day. It was cool cause she never complained when I didn't smoke(In hindsight, probably becuase she didn't wanna share). Im more of a cigar guy myself. But i did occasionally partake in a smoke every other friday or saturday. But man, your right on about there TOTAL lack of motivation to do anything. She always got high after she ate something, or smoked then ate, and would spend her evenings just kinda lying around her house. She was always cool to me, bangin bod, but, exactly as you said, her sex drive sucked, and it got worse as time went by. I was banging another girl so i didn't care, but It sucked cause I could never rely on her as a booty call cause she was always fast asleep at night. Sleepy,groggy all the time as well, and LOL, ALL of her friends were pot heads. I never really made it an issue. Im not anyones dad and I refuse to babysit anyone. Eventually, I got tired of her lack of sex drive and all around bummer attitude and I NEXTED her, and i admit I probably kept her around WAY to long.

 

[NewMan]

MFB

I'm with you... Except... My girl had real motivation most of the time - it was just the evenings. I tyried to get her to go out more, but she always used to say - let's go later. We took tennis lessons - but when we came home we'd eat and then she'd smoke. I could't win, not matter what.

The funny things is, not a week after we broke up - you no what, she was going out with her friends - funny how people change when their situation changes. Not only that, she said to me "you no what, I forgot where I've put my pot"...

Right, likely story.

 

[Santos]

As each day passes since my rejection from the girl with the BF I've started to realise how pointless it is to pursue girls with BF's (yeah yeah, you all told me so, I know ). OK, I'm a new DJ. Haven't been with that many women. So I kind of fooled myself into thinking I was continuing to pursue her for the experience. I was lying to myself. However, I have gained experience. There's no denying that.

But because of my mistake (chasing girl with BF) I will NEVER do it again. EVER. She can pursue me if she's interested. next girls with BFs. It's way too much effort for little return. Even keeping her as a "friend". Friendships take time to build, and if you're attracted to her, trying to be friends is going to make her even more attractive to you.

I know this is contradictary to my last post to this thread. But I've pursued three girls with BFs in my life. And Ive thought a lot about how much pain and wasted effort resulted:

1) Her BF immigrated, she went out with me for a month then dumped me. (I was her rebound).

2) She went to the same UNI as me, pursued her for about 2 months but she just kept brushing me off (I took the hint).

3) Latest one. Got as far as making out. But she keeps going back to her "ex". Now she's politely LBJFed me and says her and the ex are trying to work things out. He's spending the weekend at her place (screwing her brains out, no doubt). BY fooling myself into just being friends I've really grown to like her. We really are "best friends". I can't have her. I'm her "best friend" so I'll get to hear all the details about how great her BF was in bed this weekend... Thank god I went on a date last night.

"Why put yourself through all this pain?" I asked myself. The honest answer is that I had no other options. The last one hurt the most, you won't see me putting effort in girls that are already taken. Once you've been burned that badly for not taking the advice of other DJs you REALLY LEARN. Just be a DJ and if they come to you then great. But don't TRY and get their attention or date them. Forget about them.

Santos

 

[becker]

Santos, good to hear about your experiences. I think that it's doomsday once you start to want the girl and are unable to control the urge. I've been through this way back when, and have learned that it's definitely not the way to go. To me, this stuff is all about knowing as many people as you can, and to what extent you know them varies.

I think there can't be too many hard and fast rules here. If you see her, you see her, and if you don't, you don't. That's the way it has to be. Each step you take in your life can't be thought of as a waste of time because we learn from all our experiences, no matter how useless or counterproductive they may seem. Sometimes the best way to learn is the hard way.

See, if I were in your shoes, and the girl started talking about her BF, I'd kind of just change the subject or else find a way to split. I've gotten good at that so that it doesn't come off as too rude, but even if it does, who cares. Don't forget, you can't get caught being the nice guy here. You're her friend, and that's it, and friends don't need to be slaves. You don't have to sit and listen if you don't want, and if you are blunt about it, they should not complain. If they do, just kindly say "hey, this stuff seems personal, and I don't want to get too involved with it", or something to that effect. Make it seem like you just want to respect their privacy.

I mean, why should YOU need to sit there and listen to her divulge her sexual escapades with her BF? Here's where you say "sorry, I have more important things to do". I mean, you need to make it clear that they can't have their cake and eat it too. They are either going to see you as a friend (in which case, as a friend, feel free to listen or NOT listen) or else they should dump their BF for you and pursue something more; each has its perks.

The girls that I've been friends with I've never sat around listening to any boy stories, and they tend to not seek me out to tell me either. I think it's because I find other interesting things to do and talk about instead of their relationships. They probably have other girl friends they can go to to talk about that stuff. In the meantime, have fun with the girl doing other things.

Why can't people here just have fun with a girl and not think only about sex? In the end, the inability to control this urge is what turns guys into groveling AFCs. They can't get it off their minds, so it consumes them. Get over it, and you'll be much stronger as a result, and more attractive because you'll be a more interesting person to be around. Sometimes showing a girl a good time will do wonders for her attraction level, more than a guy who clearly wants only to get in her pants. Again, it takes some discipline on your part guys.

 

[Slickster]

Originally posted by becker
Why can't people here just have fun with a girl and not think only about sex? In the end, the inability to control this urge is what turns guys into groveling AFCs. They can't get it off their minds, so it consumes them. Get over it, and you'll be much stronger as a result, and more attractive because you'll be a more interesting person to be around. Sometimes showing a girl a good time will do wonders for her attraction level, more than a guy who clearly wants only to get in her pants. Again, it takes some discipline on your part guys.

Becker,

This is exactly what I was talking about in Newman's "P*ssification of Man" post. The power of P*ssy. Always trying to get in your girls pants shows that you've been conquered. You are less attractive and as time goes on her IL drops. Maybe very slowly but this is what I believe ends most relationships where one person *wants* the other more. Always wanting sex is a male's Achilles heel so to speak. Why can't we see it? Because we're like junkies or something. We're hooked on sex just like it was a drug. Just like an addict knows he should quit his mind and body won't let him. Addiction is the most unattractive thing. Funny you guys were talking about pot earlier. Resisting the urge for sex. Discipline! Damn right. Its to the point of being a Monk.

Anyways, Santo's makes good points about pursuing girls with BF's. When I think back about all the chicks that I've had good relationships with (long and short ones). The ones that I ended and rejected her for whatever reason. The ones where she took the rejection and basically said "Fine f*ck you". The ones where she totally cut me off. Never saw or talked to her again. These are the ones that I still think about and still want today! I feel like I may of missed out on something. The chicks that I've remained friends with, well they turned out to be friends.

Your image of someone changes over time. If you were once romantic and then split up or just become friends then there is a good chance that you will lose that romantic image of that person. You get to know them as a friend and they will never be more than that.

Now when she has a BF then her image of you as a friend amplifies. I think alot of guys fool themselves into thinking that girl with a BF is still attracted to them romantically or there is potential that she may one day be. Go away, get away from her and then that may be the way she remembers you. But if you stick around and become a friend then her mind puts you in friend category and you may never get out.

 

[becker]

Slickster, it seems that we see things similarly.

I think the key here is definitely that you have to be secure enough to feel that if she sees you as a friend, you'll be able to live with that. If not, then of course, don't keep her around as a friend.

However, to me, that begs the question, why not at least try to find a way to see her as a hot friend and use the friendship as means to other ends? Like me, I keep her as a friend, but she might introduce me to her other friends. Or, when I don't feel like going out to hunt for women, I will have someone to hang out with. I think if she's married, it's even easier, because sometimes I'd even hang with her and the husband and be cool with it. I just look at other women while I'm with them, but treat both of them as friends.

Guys who can't seem to handle this seem to also be the AFCs who are longing for the girl still, and feel uncomfortable looking at or hitting on other women in front of this girl (whether she has a BF, fiance, husband, whatever).

You need to realize that if you're uncomfortable, that means you're still thinking of her as a prospect. HOWEVER, if SHE's uncomfortable with it, perhaps she has some feelings for you, and unfortunately, that's her problem to deal with, not yours. You've treated her has a friend, but have made her want more. You don't need to act on it or anything, just be satisfied that she might desire you but you can still do whatever the heck you want because she's a friend. If she can't stand it anymore, she will dump her BF for you. If not, then there aren't any problems either way as long as you're not going after her! This is what I mean by the title of this thread.

 

[ZeeOwl]

This thread got me thinking...

A few years back, I'd met a girl I was prospecting, and she introduced me to a few of her friends. One of them was a fairly hot blonde (8), who had no interest in me as bf material, but we still got along and chatted sometimes. One day before going out dancing, I got the idea of going to the place where she usually hung out to ask her if she'd like to come with me. My thinking was, since she's young and good looking, she might boost my image with the single girls at the club. I'd figured out the concept of social proof. Turns out she wasn't there that night, but that's irrelevant.

So here's what I'm thinking... I'm getting fairly good at working the personals. I've seen several fairly hot women with ads in my area, but for various reasons, don't fit what I'm looking for. Some because they want someone totally different than me (usually still looking for prince charming), or most of the time because they smoke (no way am I kissing a smoker). They aren't super-hot, 7-8, but I usually go for 6-8 myself. I'm rarely attracted to the hotter ones, don't like their style and attitude. My idea would be to use them as social proof to help me snag the ones I want when I go out. What do you guys think of this; I write them a LJBF eMail right from the start. Something like:

"Hi. I don't think our profiles match romantically, but I still think you sound like an interesting person, and we have a lot of common interests. If you're ok with just being friends, write me back."

Now I realize that this approach might backfire on me. lol But I'll deal with that if it happens, especially with the smokers.

 

[Slickster]

Originally posted by ZeeOwl
"Hi. I don't think our profiles match romantically, but I still think you sound like an interesting person, and we have a lot of common interests. If you're ok with just being friends, write me back."

Now I realize that this approach might backfire on me. lol But I'll deal with that if it happens, especially with the smokers.

Hey Owl, this is cool. With most guys desperately looking for sex and girlfriends you may very well be on to a good thing with this approach.

Because most people know if they are interested in someone in like the 1st 5 minutes. This way you meet them without the expectations of anything more than friendship and you get more of a chance to win them over. I'd be very interested in hearing how some of these work out for you.

 

[becker]

ZeeOwl,

I'm all for that idea. It establishes right away that you are not out to get them, and it lowers their guard. Most hot women have their guard up every time a guy approaches them. Furthermore, they may even end up pursuing YOU if they end up liking you. You will appear as a challenge, but the reason for that is because you're not interested in them. Also, because of your lack of interest, it will get them wondering "what's wrong with ME?" when you start talking to other HBs in front of them.

Girls are always comparing themselves to each other, and most are pretty competitive, especially the good looking ones. Good idea, I'd go for it. Let us know how it goes.

 

[becker]

Update

Ok, guys, here's an update on this situation. Called this girl up, and ended up going out with her sister. Her sister was totally not my type (wilder, and more outspoken). Anyways, we went out today, and this girl came with us, inviting herself with her BF (now fiance)!

What's up with that? Anyways, got to know her BF better, actually a relatively cool guy, but not a ton of personality. This girl is sort of similar I guess. I don't know, anyways, she's still a stunner looks wise, but I don't know what it is, but I wasn't quite as attracted to her as I was before. Took a plummet as far as the IL went. I wasn't super-attracted to the sister either, even though she's cute and would probably be open to anything. I guess I'm not looking for that type. Furthermore, it just reinforced what I said before, that for some reason, a girl who's engaged just isn't as attractive and I can separate that pretty easily.

Here's the slight twist. I ended up spending literally the entire afternoon at this girl's house, with her parents, talking for like 4 hours straight. Her parents really like me, and I made quite an impression. Her parents really were receptive to me and we had no problem talking for the entire time. It was nice, and her mom is quite a MILF (not that I'm thinking about even tapping into that). I essentially impressed the heck out of them. I have no idea what to do, because now I know the parents so much better than before, and the sister as well, but I'm trying to sort of ease my way out of this relationship with this girl, but the sister is now sort of into me (I seriously don't want to get involved with this girl since she is waaay to different from me). She has a tongue spike, and has some emotional issues that I'd rather not be tangled up in.

Her parents are very nice to talk to though, and for some reason, it's been the best talk I've had in a long time. Very good conversation, better than I have with my own parents. Just not sure what to do now because I'd like to keep in touch with the parents more than the girl (the dad also does the same line of work that I'm trying to get into, so he's sort of into helping me out as well, another bonus).

 

[Santos]

Re: Update

Originally posted by becker
Her parents are very nice to talk to though, and for some reason, it's been the best talk I've had in a long time. Very good conversation, better than I have with my own parents. Just not sure what to do now because I'd like to keep in touch with the parents more than the girl (the dad also does the same line of work that I'm trying to get into, so he's sort of into helping me out as well, another bonus).

Careful, Becker. Are you sure your not just subconciously trying to justify continously seeing this girl? It's called denial (for those pysch students amoung us). I'd like to think that me and you are good friends, in a sense. You've helped me out in my posts, I've been following your posts. We've been in similar situations. So I'm posting this as a friend:

I think you are making up reasons to stay in this girls life without realising it. You want to keep seeing her, but won't admit this to yourself so you FABRICATE reaons to keep seeing her. Sometimes we lie to ourselves because the truth is too painful to admit.

The lie: "I'm not that interested in her anway, engaged women aren't that attractive, I can accept being friends, I don't find her as attractive as I used to. Her parents could make great friends."

The truth: "I really like this girl and now she's gonna marry some AFC! I'm a DJ, but she picked the AFC! She rejected me! I wish I could make her see how great I am for her and how BORING her fiance is. "

You have to ask yourself if you really are over this girl. Personally I think you're lying to yourself (I've done this too and I wasted 3 months of my life, until I finally admitted I was still hung up over her). I notice how you seem to need to mention that her parents really like you; you made a good impression and you had great conversation. You get on better with them than your own parents? It's almost as if you are trying to justify how great you are for this girl because you get on well with her parents. Or maybe you are just justifying being friends with her parents, so you can still see her. Her sister probablly isn't as bad as you think, but you are blinded by this other girl. Your mind is sabotaging itself.

The fact that her dad can help your career out aside, are you still hung up over this girl? It doesn't matter whether the stuff you said about her parents is true, I think you still want this girl but you're afraid to admit it because it will really hurt. Heck, you even admitting there will be a problem seeing her parents often (so you know it's not a good idea).

She's engaged, Becker. She's more than likely going to marry this guy. Who knows how long they will be married (maybe for the rest of their lives), you don't want to spend the rest of your life chasing her do you?

If you could be friends with her parents or her, my advice to you is don't see them for a few months. Find yourself another lady. Go date some other women, find one you like, make her your GF. When your head is clearer and your heart has found someone new - ask yourself if you'd still like to pursue a friendship with this other girl and her parents, if you do - then go ahead. So what if her sister is in to you, you don't have to date her if you don't want to.

Remember: If you genuinely get on well with her parents and her on friendly terms, it won't matter how long it takes you to find a new girl - you will ALWAYS get on with these people. If that's not true, then you were never meant to be friends.

My oneitis, with the BF. She friendzoned me. But I'm not going to see her again until I meet someone new. Me and her do get on great, but the fact is I want something more. When I find a new woman, I will be able to accept friendship.

I hope I didn't type all of this for nothing?
Santos

 

[legolas]

Becker, I didn't read all of the stuff here, but if you're spending too much time trying to convert this girl, then it's not worth the trouble. Yet I have to give credit to your idea of forbidden fruit. I will call it Forbidden Pleasures(tm) There I've trademarked it

I may start to play with this one a bit more verbally, and see what I can get out of it. I remember when I was young, I used to succumb to temptation and read erotic magazines that were hidden in the house. I would spend hours trying to locate them, so I had lots of fun that way. One thing to be mentioned here is that what used to drive all this was curiosity of a teenager. With adults that ave passed that phase, you need to find another driver state so to speak.

Just the fact that there are forbidden pleasures out there, some of which are pretty dangerous (to a woman's mind of course, since she's about to get married) she may choose to not follow up on them. But she will go to a bookstore, grab some romance novels and escape in fantasy land IN HER MIND!!! That's because this feels safe(r) to her rather than choosing to get it on with you. Just ask any of your other female friends if cheating is okay. Didi you hear the story of the woman who ran over her husband with her car multiple times because she found out he was cheating on her?! And the court spared her the death penalty!!

So be careful out there!!

 

[becker]

Re: Re: Update

Originally posted by Santos
Careful, Becker. Are you sure your not just subconciously trying to justify continously seeing this girl? It's called denial (for those pysch students amoung us). I'd like to think that me and you are good friends, in a sense. You've helped me out in my posts, I've been following your posts. We've been in similar situations. So I'm posting this as a friend:

I think you are making up reasons to stay in this girls life without realising it. You want to keep seeing her, but won't admit this to yourself so you FABRICATE reaons to keep seeing her. Sometimes we lie to ourselves because the truth is too painful to admit.

The lie: "I'm not that interested in her anway, engaged women aren't that attractive, I can accept being friends, I don't find her as attractive as I used to. Her parents could make great friends."

The truth: "I really like this girl and now she's gonna marry some AFC! I'm a DJ, but she picked the AFC! She rejected me! I wish I could make her see how great I am for her and how BORING her fiance is. "

You have to ask yourself if you really are over this girl. Personally I think you're lying to yourself (I've done this too and I wasted 3 months of my life, until I finally admitted I was still hung up over her). I notice how you seem to need to mention that her parents really like you; you made a good impression and you had great conversation. You get on better with them than your own parents? It's almost as if you are trying to justify how great you are for this girl because you get on well with her parents. Or maybe you are just justifying being friends with her parents, so you can still see her. Her sister probablly isn't as bad as you think, but you are blinded by this other girl. Your mind is sabotaging itself.

The fact that her dad can help your career out aside, are you still hung up over this girl? It doesn't matter whether the stuff you said about her parents is true, I think you still want this girl but you're afraid to admit it because it will really hurt. Heck, you even admitting there will be a problem seeing her parents often (so you know it's not a good idea).

She's engaged, Becker. She's more than likely going to marry this guy. Who knows how long they will be married (maybe for the rest of their lives), you don't want to spend the rest of your life chasing her do you?

If you could be friends with her parents or her, my advice to you is don't see them for a few months. Find yourself another lady. Go date some other women, find one you like, make her your GF. When your head is clearer and your heart has found someone new - ask yourself if you'd still like to pursue a friendship with this other girl and her parents, if you do - then go ahead. So what if her sister is in to you, you don't have to date her if you don't want to.

Remember: If you genuinely get on well with her parents and her on friendly terms, it won't matter how long it takes you to find a new girl - you will ALWAYS get on with these people. If that's not true, then you were never meant to be friends.

My oneitis, with the BF. She friendzoned me. But I'm not going to see her again until I meet someone new. Me and her do get on great, but the fact is I want something more. When I find a new woman, I will be able to accept friendship.

I hope I didn't type all of this for nothing?
Santos

 

[becker]

Re: Re: Update

Originally posted by Santos
Careful, Becker. Are you sure your not just subconciously trying to justify continously seeing this girl? It's called denial (for those pysch students amoung us). I'd like to think that me and you are good friends, in a sense. You've helped me out in my posts, I've been following your posts. We've been in similar situations. So I'm posting this as a friend:

I think you are making up reasons to stay in this girls life without realising it. You want to keep seeing her, but won't admit this to yourself so you FABRICATE reaons to keep seeing her. Sometimes we lie to ourselves because the truth is too painful to admit.

The lie: "I'm not that interested in her anway, engaged women aren't that attractive, I can accept being friends, I don't find her as attractive as I used to. Her parents could make great friends."

The truth: "I really like this girl and now she's gonna marry some AFC! I'm a DJ, but she picked the AFC! She rejected me! I wish I could make her see how great I am for her and how BORING her fiance is. "

You have to ask yourself if you really are over this girl. Personally I think you're lying to yourself (I've done this too and I wasted 3 months of my life, until I finally admitted I was still hung up over her). I notice how you seem to need to mention that her parents really like you; you made a good impression and you had great conversation. You get on better with them than your own parents? It's almost as if you are trying to justify how great you are for this girl because you get on well with her parents. Or maybe you are just justifying being friends with her parents, so you can still see her. Her sister probablly isn't as bad as you think, but you are blinded by this other girl. Your mind is sabotaging itself.

The fact that her dad can help your career out aside, are you still hung up over this girl? It doesn't matter whether the stuff you said about her parents is true, I think you still want this girl but you're afraid to admit it because it will really hurt. Heck, you even admitting there will be a problem seeing her parents often (so you know it's not a good idea).

She's engaged, Becker. She's more than likely going to marry this guy. Who knows how long they will be married (maybe for the rest of their lives), you don't want to spend the rest of your life chasing her do you?

If you could be friends with her parents or her, my advice to you is don't see them for a few months. Find yourself another lady. Go date some other women, find one you like, make her your GF. When your head is clearer and your heart has found someone new - ask yourself if you'd still like to pursue a friendship with this other girl and her parents, if you do - then go ahead. So what if her sister is in to you, you don't have to date her if you don't want to.

Remember: If you genuinely get on well with her parents and her on friendly terms, it won't matter how long it takes you to find a new girl - you will ALWAYS get on with these people. If that's not true, then you were never meant to be friends.

My oneitis, with the BF. She friendzoned me. But I'm not going to see her again until I meet someone new. Me and her do get on great, but the fact is I want something more. When I find a new woman, I will be able to accept friendship.

I hope I didn't type all of this for nothing?
Santos

Holy sh*t, I just wrote this long-a$$ reply to this and it got erased when I tried to post it...

Santos,

Thanks for the well thought out post. I know I'm not going to be successful disputing what you said because it's likely that everything I say will reek of me denying that I'm in denial. I have to say though, that if you can believe me on this, I'll try to explain.

I've been accustomed to the whole LJBF thing with girls. I've done it for quite some time now, so I'm not a rookie at this sort of thing. The only twist here is that how do you do this to a girl with a FIANCE?

I have a number of girl "friends", all used as social proof, but most have BFs, which to me isn't a big deal, because that is really just a label for a guy they see more than other guys. I can ask them out to hang out alone without that much of a problem since the commitment isn't that strong in my eyes.

However, now you have this girl, who I used to do this stuff with, suddenly get engaged. This changes the whole dynamic because now her relationship just got 10 times more serious. I can't just ask her to hang out alone, and use her as social proof, since she will likely be with her BF even more now. Case in point, when I did something with her sister yesterday, she came along (which she would have done alone in the past) but brought her BF. Only the 2nd time I've ever met him in the 4 years that I knew her.

Anyways, yesterday I was at this big event for this celebrity that I know, a charity fundraiser, and I was invited to some pretty big-time places (I won't mention them here, but they were like celebrity havens) because they thought I was with this girl and they asked me to invite her too (because they thought we were together). But her BF was there, which sort of threw a wrench in the operation since they wouldn't invite him, and I guess my social status was increased big time because here I was with this hot girl.

That's the social proof side of things though, and not the total story. Now, there's the friendship side. I feel that I'm not going to be able to use this girl as social proof much anymore, especially if she can't leave her BF at home when she does stuff with me. That scratches that idea.

Now, she is a great person, very nice to be around, just someone you'd like to have in your life no matter what the relationship. It doesn't matter if she's just a friend, because to me, it's just having good people around that's important. Very honest, focused, dependable, etc. I also think that given that I talk about this girl so much on this board, it gives off the wrong impression that she's the only girl I know or something, and that's not the case.

She certainly is the only girl that I know who's engaged though, who I'd like to keep a friendly relationship with, even if it means we'll be best friends and she'll never see me as anything else. It doesn't matter, no big deal to me, I can move on (I know this will make some of you freak out). I mean, it's just an important thing to me to be around good people, that's all. Good people are hard to find. Her parents are another example of good people, so her family is a good one to have around. The difficult thing is, how do you become good friends with a girl who is engaged? Especially if the BF doesn't seem to take well to me, which means that even if I ask both of them out, he may not want to, so she won't go either, because it might cause some conflict in her relationship?

I'd really like to keep things on a friendly basis with this girl, and that's it. I'm certainly not sitting around waiting for her to fly into my arms, nor do I expect her to.