How to be friends and make her want more

[becker]

Ok, I've been involved in enough friendships with girls such that I feel I can give some advice on how to pull this stuff off and keep yourself on top.

This post was prompted by my post below on a HB that I'm pretty much going to treat as a "friend", and I find it is best used when you know a hot girl who is in a committed relationship. The key is to make sure that you are confident in who you are. Basically, get the thought out of your head that you're after this girl. After you do this, you need to treat the whole relationship as one in which you're going to be such a great guy that she (and others) will find you irresistible, but she is unable to act on it because she is involved and both you and her know it (it's more important that she feels she is being held back by this). If you can really do this well, then it will create you into a person who is like a forbidden fruit (they want you, but can't have you), while at the same time, you become an independent, non-needy guy.

Most of the time guys are so paranoid about being friends with a girl that they actually end up seeming AFC about it. They try too hard to avoid it, and in the process, come off as needy because they will likely start caring too much about the girl and what she does, etc. For example, if she is with her guy, they won't be able to handle it and in the process will come off as jealous, whereas the attractive friend will be cool with it and won't even seem the slightest affected by it. It can be pretty powerful if you're a person who doesn't get jealous but the girl is trying to appeal to the jealous side of you. It conveys independence and indifference.

Anyways, I'm trying not to make this post too long, but all you guys out there with hot girl "friends", don't dump them, and practice making them desire you. It's great training, and there is no fear of failure attached to it.

 

[Santos]

I did a similar thing, she ended up cheating on her BF with me. She broke up with him to keep seeing me. We messed around, and now we're back as "friends". So I think it's important to rembemer that you need to be friends for an extened period of time and you need to go and see other women. Put her on the "back-burner". You see, if you become her "best friend" but you date other wome and don't turn AFC you will become more attractive. If her relationship with her BF is on the rocks, they'll break up. Give her time to get over it, and when she's ready DJ her ass.

Good advice, becker.
Santos

 

[Slickster]

"Get the thought out of your head that you are after her"

Becker you and this post make me laugh.

You've got some serious oneitis going here man and its plain to see.

All you talk about is this chick. You are not being honest with yourself either. You're playing games in your head calling her social proof and posts on how to be friends with chicks. Inside you're trying to figure out how to attract her. She's engaged!

Come on man you are head over heels and can't stop thinking about her.

This isn't good for you bro. She's not the girl of your dreams. She's not as perfect as you think. If she was she'd be with you.

You are blinded by beauty. Am I wrong? If she was ugly and had the same personality would you feel the same way about her? I doubt it. Get over it man.

Sorry I'm just trying to knock some sense into you.

 

[Juan_Man]

Here's what you do. You cut down on the attention you usually give her and start dating other girls. She'll see that you no longer need her and will become attracted to your independence. Fair warning: after doing this, you may realize that you don't want her anymore.

Forget about using her for social proof. A married woman is about as good for social proof as a female's advice for DJing.

 

[myfriendblu]

Thats a waste of time. Why even spend ONE DAY with a girl that your not presently screwing or about to within the next date or two? Move on, meet other people.

 

[becker]

Originally posted by Slickster
"Get the thought out of your head that you are after her"

Becker you and this post make me laugh.

You've got some serious oneitis going here man and its plain to see.

All you talk about is this chick. You are not being honest with yourself either. You're playing games in your head calling her social proof and posts on how to be friends with chicks. Inside you're trying to figure out how to attract her. She's engaged!

Come on man you are head over heels and can't stop thinking about her.

This isn't good for you bro. She's not the girl of your dreams. She's not as perfect as you think. If she was she'd be with you.

You are blinded by beauty. Am I wrong? If she was ugly and had the same personality would you feel the same way about her? I doubt it. Get over it man.

Sorry I'm just trying to knock some sense into you.

Slickster, thanks, I know what you're saying, and it certainly makes sense. However, you're reading into the post too much.

I'm going to say one thing, I'm definitely intrigued by her in the sense that I've never met anyone like her. Ok, that much I'll concede. However, what I won't concede is that I'm on a mission to steer her out of the engagement and into my arms. I'm offering an alternative to NEXTing her here, which is to stay friends with her and sort of use it as a practice tool for flirting, creating attraction, etc. I'm certainly blinded by beauty, and I know that if she wasn't as hot as she is, I wouldn't even bother, but at the same time, the point of this post is showing how important it is to stay friends with these hot women that no doubt you're attracted to rather than just abandoning her, which to me is a BIG mistake, regardless of how you feel for her. Maybe it's just that I get over that attraction stuff pretty easily, but what I don't get over is maintaining a friendship if things don't work out.

To me, I am such a big believer in social proof, and that is really the extent to which I take this. I will flirt, and do the normal stuff that guys and girls might do, but what I won't do is indulge in any possibility of more with her. It's all fun and games really.

I know it sounds like a bunch of bull, but I have to say that I've blocked the chances of anything happening because she is engaged, which for me, isn't as difficult as it may be coming off. I have many other women as hot as her who are married, but I flirt and do all this stuff with them as well. It's fun, and I guess I like to be one of those people that everyone likes but nobody can have. It's empowering. Like I said, I could have gone all out and just taken this girl, but I've drawn the line. This just happens to be the most recent example of a HB who you know and you have a choice to either totally get her out of your life or be friends with her. That's it.

It's kind of like an ego trip gone astray, but at the same time, you need to make sure that the girls you are friends with would like you enough to want to be in a relationship with you. If you get them to this point, they start wanting to set you up if anything, and you'll be etched in their minds and they'll talk you up like crazy. This has been my experience. So, in the end, it is all about social proof, however it may have sounded. Women will always enter and leave your life, that's just something you need to accept, but there are also certain ones that come into your life that you have to just keep around, regardless of whether it will lead to anything between the two of you. You want to attract good women, and when the one that's for you comes along, then you'll be able to choose from a great pool. That's the gist of this post.

 

[myfriendblu]

Bottom line though, every minute spent wasting time with this girl is a minute taken away from the time you could be with a high IL girl or finding one/several.

With school/work/spending time with the 3 girls I currently am seeing plus finding new ones, plus time with friends, I don't have time to waste.

I think your just not busy enough, thats the problem.

 

[NewMan]

jeez...

I'm offering an alternative to NEXTing her here, which is to stay friends with her and sort of use it as a practice tool for flirting, creating attraction, etc. I'm certainly blinded by beauty, and I know that if she wasn't as hot as she is, I wouldn't even bother, but at the same time, the point of this post is showing how important it is to stay friends with these hot women that no doubt you're attracted to rather than just abandoning her, which to me is a BIG mistake, regardless of how you feel for her.

Does that sound like a DJ to you?

Your making excuses for not moving on just because she's a hot chick.

Ok she's hot. She's got a great body. What more do you want us to say?

You've posted about this chick for a while now - you've even went as far to provide a link to a girl that looks like her......

And you say your not into her? that you just want to be friends.

Let me tell you something - if this chick came over to you and told you that although she's engaged, her BF doesn't do the job in bed and she wants to fvck you - you'd jump at that in a flash.

Your making excuses - and although you maybe thinking your acting like a DJ, inside there's an AFC waiting to come out just because she's hot.

Move on Becker - Guy and girls can't just be friends (in general, there are some exceptions).....

 

[myfriendblu]

Amen newman, your right on the money.

And yes, the only time a guy can be friends with a girl?

1. Its his mom/sister/cousin/relative
2. He is gay

 

[becker]

I'm going to say first that you guys all bring good points.

I mean, I think that the image that I'm portraying is not what I'm trying to give off. Look, I contact this girl one day a week at MOST, sometimes one day every 2 weeks. The point is to make sure you don't NEXT these women just because they are involved with someone. You have to at least get something out of it if you can.

NewMan, I didn't say I wasn't into her, that's given, because she's hot, but what are you going to do, befriend all these UGs that you have no attraction to? How is that going to help social proof? I'd also rather hang around hot girls, rather than a group of guys. I guess it makes me gay to want to be around women more than men. I thought it was the other way around.

Again though, you need to have been around a girl like this to see the value beyond just seeing her as a piece of a$$. Most guys here, I know, won't be able to do that, but that's to their disadvantage, because HBs are usually tickets to other HBs. I think that there's a bigger problem if you can't just take a girl like this and be satisfied with being friends with her if you can't have her. There will be other women, but it doesn't mean you just burn all your bridges. More will always be better in this situation.

Remember, find a way to make it SOCIAL PROOF! You don't need to call the girl everyday (I don't do that) I just keep in touch enough so that when I speak to her, sometimes she'll say "Oh, I met this girl who is perfect for you!" (Usually they're pretty hot since again, HBs tend to hang around other HBs).

I think that I also think this way because it's sort of how I was brought up. My parents used to tell me stories of how so many of their friends who are happily married were set up by other friends.

 

[b's nuts]

Originally posted by becker
sometimes she'll say "Oh, I met this girl who is perfect for you!" (Usually they're pretty hot since again, HBs tend to hang around other HBs).

becareful, they all have the one dreaded fat friend.

 

[myfriendblu]

Originally posted by becker
Most guys here, I know, won't be able to do that, but that's to their disadvantage, because HBs are usually tickets to other HBs.

What your missing here Beck, is that, as a solid DJ, I DON'T NEED a HB to meet other HB. I can do it on my own. I can find more HB's by myself than relying on someone else. I think even one day a year is a day wasted on this girl.

Becker, as well as everyone else reading this, DO NOT rely on ANYONE, be it a HB friend, a guy friend, co-worker, whomever, to meet girls. You MUST learn to do it by yourself. Rely on NOBODY but YOU. Anything less is wasted time.

 

[Dust 2 Dust]

Originally posted by becker

This post was prompted by my post below on a HB that I'm pretty much going to treat as a "friend", and I find it is best used when you know a hot girl who is in a committed relationship. The key is to make sure that you are confident in who you are. Basically, get the thought out of your head that you're after this girl. After you do this, you need to treat the whole relationship as one in which you're going to be such a great guy that she (and others) will find you irresistible, but she is unable to act on it because she is involved and both you and her know it (it's more important that she feels she is being held back by this). If you can really do this well, then it will create you into a person who is like a forbidden fruit (they want you, but can't have you), while at the same time, you become an independent, non-needy guy.

Most of the time guys are so paranoid about being friends with a girl that they actually end up seeming AFC about it. They try too hard to avoid it, and in the process, come off as needy because they will likely start caring too much about the girl and what she does, etc. For example, if she is with her guy, they won't be able to handle it and in the process will come off as jealous, whereas the attractive friend will be cool with it and won't even seem the slightest affected by it. It can be pretty powerful if you're a person who doesn't get jealous but the girl is trying to appeal to the jealous side of you. It conveys independence and indifference.

Anyways, I'm trying not to make this post too long, but all you guys out there with hot girl "friends", don't dump them, and practice making them desire you. It's great training, and there is no fear of failure attached to it.

Next her and forget these stupid tactics that don't work and never will.

 

[NewMan]

well...

Becker - you do it the way you want to do it. This is just my opinion on the whole thing...

but what are you going to do, befriend all these UGs that you have no attraction to?

Negative red leader - I've enough friends. I don't need to be friends with a girl. i don't want to be friends with a girl. I want to fvck a girl - but being friends with a HB or not - don't want it. Why? becuase it's not possible. I can't sit there and listen to a HB chick tell me her problem - what I heat is...

"Blah, blah blah blah - blah blah blah blah"

Unless I've seen her naked I'm not interested being her emotional tampon - or her problem solver.

Any anyways - if you only call het once a week maybe every other week - what kind of friendship is that? Friends by deifinition hang out together - they are not afraid to go over to her house and hang out. You would probably not do that. And I bet her BF doesn't know you call her up so often.

Bottom line, your at best warming up in the pen waiting for something to happen - and she probably knows what your doing and giving you just enough to stay around.

Thats BS. I'm not going to be ANYBODY's second string.

I'd also rather hang around hot girls, rather than a group of guys. I guess it makes me gay to want to be around women more than men. I thought it was the other way around.

I agree - if I'm fvcking them or getting something in return - but your not even hanging out with this chick - your speaking to her on the phone right.

Most guys here, I know, won't be able to do that, but that's to their disadvantage, because HBs are usually tickets to other HBs. I think that there's a bigger problem if you can't just take a girl like this and be satisfied with being friends with her if you can't have her. There will be other women, but it doesn't mean you just burn all your bridges. More will always be better in this situation.

Are you kidding me? look my take on all this - is you will NEVER get into to inner circle. never. Why? because she's engaged - and her BF is not going to let that happen. He';s going to wonder how she meet you - what you've done, how often you see each other. So, your out on a limb. Sure she may know some lonely chick she works with that she may throw your way.... But I doubt you will ever get more than that.

Social Proof. What is social proof? You nned to hang around with good looking girls your not screwing to feel good? so are you going to bars or clubs with this girl? no. I doubt you are or ever will.

I don't need social proof - I'm proof enough. When I go out with my buds we make the party. We are the ones who are getting the action started - who are bringing the vibe in the bar up. We'll talk to the hot girl, get the shot's going. These girls want to be with us, because we are the guys having the time of our lives. Girls want to be part of that.

I think that I also think this way because it's sort of how I was brought up. My parents used to tell me stories of how so many of their friends who are happily married were set up by other friends.

Do me a favor Becker. Call your mum up and ask the following question.

Did you ever set up a guy friend of yours with one of your friends when you were engaged to my father. But Dad didn't know about the guy friend and how often her called you and that you had a relationship with him - and this guy friend liked you?

I bet she NEVER set up a guy with one of her firends - not someone your father never new - or never hung out with.

Becker man - I just think your wasting your time. You putting effort into something that's really not worth it.

Thats just my 02 cents.

 

[becker]

Thanks, guys, for all your posts, and for being brutally honest. I appreciate it. I'll try to address each thing separately.

myfriendblu, the main point I'm making is not that I'm exclusively relying on hot female friends to set me up, but rather using it as a supplement. Who wouldn't like being set up with a HB? I'm just saying that if it happens (which it has before), it's fine with me, but if it doesn't, of course I'll still be doing my own thing, so there's really not a lot of effort expended here. If I call her and meet up with her once a week or so, I don't feel I'm going out of my way. The story would be different if I contacted her everyday and went to see her everyday. I don't do that.

NewMan, I respect your opinions, and you make good points. I think that the main difference between us is that I'm not looking to screw every girl that I know who's hot. I know it is probably difficult for you to believe, but I'm a pretty picky guy, and my standards are ridiculously high. As I said before, I'd rather masturbate than to have to put up with a skank if that's the choice I have to make. Again, personal preference. I just feel like I'm probably at a different point in my life where I've grown a little tired of the normal scene and I'm searching for the best and only the best, even if it's at the expense of sex. I'm also not going to claim I'm a DJ, but I'll tell you one thing, only women that are as hot as this one will get my attention at this point.

I think that for this reason, I'm a little more optimistic about having girls like this as friends (believe me, my willpower is pretty strong). It's all a potential mindf*ck, and to me, I treat it as a battle of wills. I mean, HBs in the end have to be treated as normal girls, which means that you DON'T fawn all over them, and you need to make yourself attractive to them. Like I said, this girl that I'm talking about came to ME, and I've seen her blow off other guys in front of my very eyes who were good looking guys but have given off that "I want to get into your pants" aura.

Furthermore, I'm not an emotional tampon, since I have never sat down and listened to anything about her relationship. I didn't even know her BF's name until 3 years after first meeting her. I certainly agree with you that you can't sit there and listen to their problems. I never do that. When I have done stuff with this girl, it has always been doing things that we share an interest in, and not even going into the whole relationship arena. It's more about enjoying the company, and I personally enjoy the company of hot women.

I think the whole issue about social proof is that it should be a supplement to whatever you're doing. That means that you go about your regular routine, then you add to that the social proof of having hot girls around you, which increases the way other girls see you. Sure, the way you do it is fine too, no problems there, but I do what you do plus the social proof. I promise you it only increases your success. As I said, I don't have many girl friends who aren't hot as hell, and in fact, those are the only ones I keep in touch with, not in hopes that someday I'll get in their pants, but rather for the reason that whether these girls are with you or not, the looks you get from others when you are in public with them is a confidence builder in itself.

Another thing, I do not just talk to this girl on the phone. We were seeing each other like 5 times a week before, so we'd talk in person. This was because we had the same class and sat and studied together. Now, I'll see her like once a week at most, since I do have other friends to hang with. It really isn't as big a deal as it may seem to some of you guys. It's sort of blown a little out of proportion, and some of that may be my fault, since I talk about this girl so much, but like I said before, you don't meet girls like this all the time, so out of all the girls I know, she's the most interesting to talk about. Many girls I know are hot, but this girl just clicked with me as far as her personality and her interests. It's not easy to find, I tell you. But either way, I can see her as a friend without problems despite this, and the way I reason this to myself is that I'd much rather have her in my life as a friend than to never see her again. Personally, I feel it's foolish to not keep in touch with a girl just because you have trouble keeping sexual thoughts out of your head. I think what needs to be done in that case in my opinion is to control yourself a little.

I hope that clarified my position a little better, but I certainly see where you guys are coming from.

 

[Tryin to Grow a Chin]

Originally posted by myfriendblu


And yes, the only time a guy can be friends with a girl?

1. Its his mom/sister/cousin/relative
2. He is gay

3. He is more interested in someone else.
4. She is below his standards.
5. He has other women but is keeping her on 'hold' in case everything else falls through.

 

[Slickster]

Becker,

I can see your point about hanging around hot girls. It would be an ego boost to have your buddies see you. However the point of social proof is to target women.

When chicks see you out with a hottie they check you out and wonder if you two are together. They look for physical contact or other obvious signs like wedding rings. So they see you with a chick who has a ring on her finger and think you are married. Not much good in that. If they know she's married to someone else then there isn't much social proof either. Just cuz you're hanging with a hottie doesn't mean she would actually date you. Especially if the fact she's married is plain to see.

To me social proof is when chicks see you with other women and believe that the two of you are dating. The proof is that hot women are dating and interested in you romantically. Having married hot chicks as friends isn't social proof in my book. Sorry.

 

[becker]

Slickster,

Good point, I actually never thought about that because I've only been in public with this girl before she got engaged.

However, the way I sort of see it, it sort of gives me a good feeling to play off the image that I am always around hot girls, regardless of their status. People may see the ring, or whatever, but I've found that it works like this. You seem like more of a prize when you have hot women who are hanging out with you. It's like you attract hot dames rather than repel them, and the more different ones you know and are seen with, the better.

It's sort of an image thing, like good looking people attract good looking people. If I were to go into public with Jennifer Aniston, even if she was married, it's sort of a status thing, which can be a good thing. On the same token, if you are seen with nothing but hot women, you are seen as a babe magnet. At least that's what my friends call me.

The girls will come, believe me, they all get jealous no matter whether they think you're married or not. I haven't had any problems so far.

 

[NewMan]

Sounds good.

Becker...

Sounds good to me.

I understand that you feel good having hot chicks around - everyone would.

I just got out of a relationship with a hot chick - and this chick was scorching hot.

It was 4 yrs. - and right now I'm in the "I'll Fvck anything that moves zone" - so perhaps thats why my thoughts are a little different right now.

Also, having been in a LTR with a Hottie, I know that they get attention from everywhere and everyone. That also makes you feel good to a certain point - especially when the girl respects you and doesn't act on these things. I can't tell you how many times my ex got hit on at work - and when she went for interviews for another job, 2 recruiters called her up and told her they couldn't stop thinking about her and wanted to go out with her (1 was even married). She was vert classy in that respect always turning down the offers and telling me about them - because she said she felt guilty. Felt guilty about guys approaching her. I todl her not to worry - because if I were single I'd do the same.

Anyway, Good luck - I hope it works out.

 

[becker]

NewMan, sounds like you let a good one get away, what happened?

This girl is the type of girl who is very loyal and I remember the first time I asked her out. I didn't know she had a BF, but she told me that she had been seeing someone for quite some time, so she couldn't do it. I left it at that and just did other things with her, never really playing the friendship card, but just keeping things ambiguous. Things were good, since when I was with her and her friends who knew she was seeing someone, the friends often were all over me, which is nice.

I think that for me, the attention alone is good for the confidence. It makes you feel much more comfortable for some reason if you are with this hot girl and then you approach some other hot girl.