How to balance personal life with GF life ?

[suspected_file_swap]

Hey guys,

So Ive been dating this girl for ten months , things are going great, relationship is excellent in all aspects.

Problem is she comes from an Italian family so there seems to be never ending social get togethers with her family. One week it's an aniversary, next week a b-day, next week a wedding and on and on and on and on..............

I am completely and totally not into this stuff at all. I would say I go with her to about half of the gatherings that I am invited too.

Well today her cousins two year old son had his birthday, I could not imagine anything for nauseating and boring so i declined her invitation and stayed home all day watching basketball and eating chicken wings, it was an amazing relaxing day.

Most of the time when I do agree to go to these get togethers I am usually bored and disinterested. I check my watch every 30 minutes and dream about being at home on my beloved couch with my beloved dog just relaxing.

So here is my dilema , on one hand I want a relationship, but on the other hand I dont want all the family crap that comes along with it.

Now usually when I tell the GF I dont want to attend these things she is cool with it, but I can tell she is getting to the point where she is expecting me to attend these get togethers more often. Tonight she told me " everyone was asking where you were today " ! I have little doubt that as our relationship moves forward she will expect me to be a permanent fixtures at these things more and more.

What do you guys suggest I do ? Should I be honest and tell her that these get togethers are a totals bore for me ? Or should I just grudginlgy agree and tough it out once in a while ?

Im sure many of you have had experiences with this stuff.

Thanks in advance.

 

[Zunder]

You need to stand your ground...unless you want to become the female in the relationship.

 

[jophil28]

Problem is she comes from an Italian family so there seems to be never ending social get togethers with her family. One week it's an aniversary, next week a b-day, next week a wedding and on and on and on and on..............

Wassa metta wit cho ? You don like free italian food?

 

[Colossus]

One thing I have learned from my relationships is that you cannot escape a girl's family---good or bad. If you want a relationship with a girl, you are going to have one with her family, to some extent.

I definitely understand where you're coming from though---that sh!t can be boring as hell. To be honest she should expect that this would bore you---like come on. They arent your family, so it's not like you can just pretend you've known them you're whole life. You've been dating 10 months...you are in no way obligated to do anything.

However, you cant just refuse to go and still be her boyfriend. If you really want to be with her, make up your mind to make the best of the occasional family gathering and enjoy the free food, make pals with her relatives, etc. That's all you can do. If you complain about it or tell her it bores you, she'll hold it against you at some point, I guarantee it. Hold your ground and dont go to anything you really dont want to, because it not only establishes an expectation on her part but you'll be freaking miserable. Just go to the big stuff and if she balks about it tell her nicely you like spending time with her but you are not obligated to go to every family gathering just because you are dating.

 

[Climax]

One thing I have learned from my relationships is that you cannot escape a girl's family---good or bad. If you want a relationship with a girl, you are going to have one with her family, to some extent.

I 2nd this, she does not "divorce" her family when she becomes your partner, her family were there way before you, and one thing guys sometimes fail to realize that part of the "package" of the woman who you are with is her family, and that being said, if you observe how her family is then u can also have a better idea and understanding of her, so you can use socializing with her family to your own personal benefit at LEAST on that level.

They arent your family, so it's not like you can just pretend you've known them you're whole life. You've been dating 10 months...you are in no way obligated to do anything.

@Colossus:

While I see your point here, I think that it is also important to keep in mind that yes its true that its not like he has known them his whole life, but he also has to start somewhere, which bring me to my main point that urged me to respond to this thread...

I think that instead of moaning and looking at all the reasons why you shouldn't go, maybe you should rationalize things a bit.

On the one hand it would mean a lot to her for you to be there, and maybe mean a lot to her family too, even if it just helps in making them feel "accepted" by you and not like you don't give a damn about them (and if u really dont then in my opinion thats a wrong mindset to be in).

On the other hand, your preference is NOT to go to most of these gatherings. Okay, fine, fair enough, so now what?? ... NOW you find BALANCE! You have to meet in the middle, and its YOUR responsibility to fine tune your mindset to accommodate the balance.

Leave ego out of this, this isn't about "who is going to be the woman in the relationship", no disrespect for whoever thinks that way, but to me thats very immature and potentially destructive, making us act irrationally at times for the sake of our ego's.

Sit her down, communicate to her like a gentleman, in a loving way, tell her how you feel about this whole topic, just like you just did with us(obviously taking into consideration you're gonna be speaking to her so alter yourself/the manner in which u say things accordingly), and tell her that since you know it means a lot to her and her family, that you will go to some of the occasions, and that you will try your best to make the most of it and befriend the family, that she must not have any expectations except for you to meet her half way.

And don't just say the words, make en effort to make the best of it, maybe find someone you have something in common with and speak to them, maybe befriend someone and ask them to help you learn their language... and like I said, even if these things are the last things you want to do, if you just adjust your mindset about it and look at things from a slightly different perspective then maybe just maybe you'll find that you actually slowly but surely want to and God forbid enjoy doing those things.

In this life, besides the basketball games and beer and other fulfilling and joyful things, there are few things that last as long or are as valuable as a friendship/relationship between man and man. If you are ever in need God forbid in the future, then the tv or the beer wont be there for you, but the relationships u build with people. Family will always be there for you, and maybe if you really do start looking at it as a potential family then maybe that would make you want to be even a little more involved.

Its only been 10 months, so I am not saying that you should be in the mindset that "right, this is gonna be 100% my future family and I should treat them as if they are already my family", no, I'm not saying that at all.. But what i am saying is that you should have that in mind, treat them as if there is a good chance that they will be ur family one day, because if ur gonna be in the mindset of "no they wont be my family one day" then u'll probably end up hurting your potential future family and yourself at the same time, possibly burning bridges that u'll one day come to regret. So bottom line, balance, dont be in the mindset that they are deff gonna be your family, but dont be in the mindset of "they will never be my family" either. And act accordingly.

At the end of the day what is most important is that you and your gf are on the same page, that you both are willing to meet half way and adjust your mindsets accordingly, and that you are both considering each other equally. If she loves you then she will understand and meet you half way because she wants your happiness, and if you love her then you will consider her & her family's feelings and you will also meet her half way.

Thats what a relationship (ANY RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN ANY HUMAN) is all about, there will ALWAYS need to be compromise and mutual understanding, if you are not ready to compromise then you're not ready to be in a relationship.

Thats my 2c on the matter, I hope this helped.

 

[Cyclops]

Have you thought about going and then leaving early because you have other "fuctions" to get to. Just go for an hour or two with a time dead set that you are going to leave on, make a plan and stick to it.

 

[suspected_file_swap]

Re:

Wassa metta wit cho ? You don like free italian food?

LOL, it's not free when ya gotta sit there for 5 hours.

 

[suspected_file_swap]

Re:

I 2nd this, she does not "divorce" her family when she becomes your partner, her family were there way before you, and one thing guys sometimes fail to realize that part of the "package" of the woman who you are with is her family, and that being said, if you observe how her family is then u can also have a better idea and understanding of her, so you can use socializing with her family to your own personal benefit at LEAST on that level.



@Colossus:

While I see your point here, I think that it is also important to keep in mind that yes its true that its not like he has known them his whole life, but he also has to start somewhere, which bring me to my main point that urged me to respond to this thread...

I think that instead of moaning and looking at all the reasons why you shouldn't go, maybe you should rationalize things a bit.

On the one hand it would mean a lot to her for you to be there, and maybe mean a lot to her family too, even if it just helps in making them feel "accepted" by you and not like you don't give a damn about them (and if u really dont then in my opinion thats a wrong mindset to be in).

On the other hand, your preference is NOT to go to most of these gatherings. Okay, fine, fair enough, so now what?? ... NOW you find BALANCE! You have to meet in the middle, and its YOUR responsibility to fine tune your mindset to accommodate the balance.

Leave ego out of this, this isn't about "who is going to be the woman in the relationship", no disrespect for whoever thinks that way, but to me thats very immature and potentially destructive, making us act irrationally at times for the sake of our ego's.

Sit her down, communicate to her like a gentleman, in a loving way, tell her how you feel about this whole topic, just like you just did with us(obviously taking into consideration you're gonna be speaking to her so alter yourself/the manner in which u say things accordingly), and tell her that since you know it means a lot to her and her family, that you will go to some of the occasions, and that you will try your best to make the most of it and befriend the family, that she must not have any expectations except for you to meet her half way.

And don't just say the words, make en effort to make the best of it, maybe find someone you have something in common with and speak to them, maybe befriend someone and ask them to help you learn their language... and like I said, even if these things are the last things you want to do, if you just adjust your mindset about it and look at things from a slightly different perspective then maybe just maybe you'll find that you actually slowly but surely want to and God forbid enjoy doing those things.

In this life, besides the basketball games and beer and other fulfilling and joyful things, there are few things that last as long or are as valuable as a friendship/relationship between man and man. If you are ever in need God forbid in the future, then the tv or the beer wont be there for you, but the relationships u build with people. Family will always be there for you, and maybe if you really do start looking at it as a potential family then maybe that would make you want to be even a little more involved.

Its only been 10 months, so I am not saying that you should be in the mindset that "right, this is gonna be 100% my future family and I should treat them as if they are already my family", no, I'm not saying that at all.. But what i am saying is that you should have that in mind, treat them as if there is a good chance that they will be ur family one day, because if ur gonna be in the mindset of "no they wont be my family one day" then u'll probably end up hurting your potential future family and yourself at the same time, possibly burning bridges that u'll one day come to regret. So bottom line, balance, dont be in the mindset that they are deff gonna be your family, but dont be in the mindset of "they will never be my family" either. And act accordingly.

At the end of the day what is most important is that you and your gf are on the same page, that you both are willing to meet half way and adjust your mindsets accordingly, and that you are both considering each other equally. If she loves you then she will understand and meet you half way because she wants your happiness, and if you love her then you will consider her & her family's feelings and you will also meet her half way.

Thats what a relationship (ANY RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN ANY HUMAN) is all about, there will ALWAYS need to be compromise and mutual understanding, if you are not ready to compromise then you're not ready to be in a relationship.

Thats my 2c on the matter, I hope this helped.

Yes it did help, great feedback and excellent points made.

Thanks for taking the time.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear File Swap,
Great post Mate,I have no answer,but it is not just Johny Canucks that have this problem,even a Grey muzzled,battle scarred old dog like me has similar problems...Mine is having skills,I get loaded down with jobs,believe me it gets tiring.Dear Old Bhudda Mind would probably say I am the Reincarnatioon of an Ox or worse still an Ant...In life it is far easier to draw the boundaries at the start,sure there is some resentment,but it should always be that you graciously decline with some excuse...once you start feeding anything there is going to be an aggressive response,should you try and down size...For you the bad News is that it is a Cultural problem,Eyetie Sheilahs take their family ties,in with their Mothers Milk...When you get married to them you are expected to co operate in every family endeavour and above all to respect Momma.Talking about Momma,take a good hard look about how she treats Poppa,because that will be you!!!...there are benefits of course,the Italians are a soft,warm,generous people to their own,with a deep sense of loyalty to their family,that will include you,She will never wander,if for no other reason than that,her name would be shvit with the Family...Of course if you or your better half are inclined to fat,the often extolled Mediterranean diet,could be your downfall.

 

[suspected_file_swap]

Re:

Dear File Swap,
Great post Mate,I have no answer,but it is not just Johny Canucks that have this problem,even a Grey muzzled,battle scarred old dog like me has similar problems...Mine is having skills,I get loaded down with jobs,believe me it gets tiring.Dear Old Bhudda Mind would probably say I am the Reincarnatioon of an Ox or worse still an Ant...In life it is far easier to draw the boundaries at the start,sure there is some resentment,but it should always be that you graciously decline with some excuse...once you start feeding anything there is going to be an aggressive response,should you try and down size...For you the bad News is that it is a Cultural problem,Eyetie Sheilahs take their family ties,in with their Mothers Milk...When you get married to them you are expected to co operate in every family endeavour and above all to respect Momma.Talking about Momma,take a good hard look about how she treats Poppa,because that will be you!!!...there are benefits of course,the Italians are a soft,warm,generous people to their own,with a deep sense of loyalty to their family,that will include you,She will never wander,if for no other reason than that,her name would be shvit with the Family...Of course if you or your better half are inclined to fat,the often extolled Mediterranean diet,could be your downfall.

As I sit here in the middle of a March snowstorm I dream about being in place like Australia, you are lucky do not take it for granted !

Thx for the advice, excellent wisdom and thank you for sharing.

 

[Slickster]

I used to feel just like you do Swap.

I had a Greek girlfriend once and every bloody week it was something.

Initially I would go and have a decent time because her family was pretty cool but I always thought I'd rather be somewhere else. I started refusing and making other plans and I'd get the guilt trip from her family and her.

Eventually it got to be a real sore spot for our relationship and although it wasn't the only reason, we did end up splitting up. Looking back I don't blame her for breaking up with me. I wasn't interested in being a part of her life. Obviously her family was really important to her as it should be.

Now that I'm older (38) I appreciate the idea of family much more than I used to. I love hanging out with the inlaws and family get togethers. Good food, drinks, games, stories, laughs. What's not to like?

Sitting on the couch all day watching TV is pretty lame. You can do that anytime. However, if you get in good with her family I'll bet there is a brother or uncle or cousin who likes sports too. Start talking sports with them to break the ice. There's no reason the group of you can't sneak downstairs to check out the game. Get some friendly wagers going and maybe some trash talk. Italians and Greeks are passionate about their nationalities. If you can point out a couple Italian players it might help your cause. If worse comes to worse go get a ball and go throw/kick/shoot it around a bit with the kids outside.

No offense but there are a lot worse things in the world to be complaining about.

If this really is a deal breaker for you then you should move on and find someone else. If you don't fit in with the family you're doomed anyway.