How to balance not being too available and being available enough in a new relationship to maintain attraction?

[jnMissouri]

We met on a specific dating site, not your average Tinder, POF type site. Talked for a month, met, hit it off, became a couple. We are long distance however. I'm going to see her next.

How do I balance being available enough but not so available that the attraction and challenge is maintained? Not keeping her too certain about us, but not so uncertain that she "auto rejects".

For example I usually initiate conversations, but she does some of the time as well, even before we met. After about the first week she would initiate sometimes. By the second week she would call. This was before we even met. We had a deep conversation about "us" recently, and SHE texted me the morning after instead of me texting her. We take turns, sometimes she initiates several days in a row. I do sometimes ask her how her day was at the end of the day, and she likes it, but I wonder if I should skip some days so as not to be too predictable.

But at the same time, with tonight being Friday night and us being long distance, I don't want her to think I'm out with some other girl because she didn't hear from me and flip out. Or maybe that might work to my advantage, I could wait for her to initiate a text to see what I'm doing and let her sweat for a few minutes before I respond, causing her anxiety. Or maybe that's a bad idea. The initial stages of a relationship are always awkward for me. Dating not so much, but relationships aren't something I do every week.

-She likes how I treat her (opening doors, but teasing her) and said I could do even more of that, hint hint.
-I sometimes skipped texting her before we met, again, not to be too predictable or available. She would in many cases text me the day after to see if I was still alive. But now that in a relationship, is it different?
-I never call her, only call her back. She started calling me since we became a couple. Currently to make her feel comfortable calling me I answer or call her back within a few minutes. But eventually I think it would benefit me if I don't answer or call back right away. That said, MANY girls I've been in a relationship with would complain that I would never call them. One even told me she had a dream. When I asked what it was, she said she had a dream that I finally called her, lol.

Right or wrong? What else to not bee too predictable or available but not be so unpredictable or unavailable that she decides it's not working for her.

 

[2Rocky]

Assume it could end at any minute and live your life at the moment so as not to miss out on anything. If you live a fulfilling life you won't always be available. You have family, children friends, business, employees who take up your time in person.

Make a date to go see her in the future. If she needs the maintenance, set up a normal commute time to call and check in. 5 minutes to hear about her day.

Other women are a "don't ask don't tell" subject and you honor that by not asking her anything you don't want to answer or hear.

.

 

[jnMissouri]

Assume it could end at any minute and live your life at the moment so as not to miss out on anything. If you live a fulfilling life you won't always be available. You have family, children friends, business, employees who take up your time in person.

Make a date to go see her in the future. If she needs the maintenance, set up a normal commute time to call and check in. 5 minutes to hear about her day.

Other women are a "don't ask don't tell" subject and you honor that by not asking her anything you don't want to answer or hear.

.

So text her tonight or be mysterious and let her wonder why I didn't text tonight?

I do have plans to go see her soon, she texted me dates to go see her.

 

[Machine10033]

Lol it’s very difficult to not appear available these days ! My state is on lock down... I could pretend I’m at the grocery store . I had some girl text me the other night and say I just got back from happy hour with my girls??? I had to laugh and say I assume it was a virtual happy hour considering our entire state is locked down. I immediately lost that chicks number.

 

[Stoic]

Brother,

You are obsessing over this one.

Three threads or so with this same question embedded in each one.

I think you are having a problem because of the distance. Normally it's best to just set up the date whenever she reaches out and let that be that. But, now you can't.

I've seen your other posts. You appear to be successful career wise. I assume you have outside interests? Pursue them. Work whatever self improvement plan you've got.

 

[Ohso-Phresh]

We met on a specific dating site, not your average Tinder, POF type site. Talked for a month, met, hit it off, became a couple. We are long distance however. I'm going to see her next.

How do I balance being available enough but not so available that the attraction and challenge is maintained? Not keeping her too certain about us, but not so uncertain that she "auto rejects".

For example I usually initiate conversations, but she does some of the time as well, even before we met. After about the first week she would initiate sometimes. By the second week she would call. This was before we even met. We had a deep conversation about "us" recently, and SHE texted me the morning after instead of me texting her. We take turns, sometimes she initiates several days in a row. I do sometimes ask her how her day was at the end of the day, and she likes it, but I wonder if I should skip some days so as not to be too predictable.

But at the same time, with tonight being Friday night and us being long distance, I don't want her to think I'm out with some other girl because she didn't hear from me and flip out. Or maybe that might work to my advantage, I could wait for her to initiate a text to see what I'm doing and let her sweat for a few minutes before I respond, causing her anxiety. Or maybe that's a bad idea. The initial stages of a relationship are always awkward for me. Dating not so much, but relationships aren't something I do every week.

-She likes how I treat her (opening doors, but teasing her) and said I could do even more of that, hint hint.
-I sometimes skipped texting her before we met, again, not to be too predictable or available. She would in many cases text me the day after to see if I was still alive. But now that in a relationship, is it different?
-I never call her, only call her back. She started calling me since we became a couple. Currently to make her feel comfortable calling me I answer or call her back within a few minutes. But eventually I think it would benefit me if I don't answer or call back right away. That said, MANY girls I've been in a relationship with would complain that I would never call them. One even told me she had a dream. When I asked what it was, she said she had a dream that I finally called her, lol.

Right or wrong? What else to not bee too predictable or available but not be so unpredictable or unavailable that she decides it's not working for her.

Your focus is being sourced ‘outside to in’ vs ‘inside to out’

If you are the prize and are that frame, that will dictate your actions. Right now you are playing ‘not to lose’ which implies that in time it will be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

There’s more work to do, ‘you with you’

 

[jnMissouri]

Brother,

You are obsessing over this one.

Three threads or so with this same question embedded in each one.

I think you are having a problem because of the distance. Normally it's best to just set up the date whenever she reaches out and let that be that. But, now you can't.

I've seen your other posts. You appear to be successful career wise. I assume you have outside interests? Pursue them. Work whatever self improvement plan you've got.

Yes obsessing, she is high quality. She already set a date for me to come down and like I said in other threads tried to take some of my stuff to make me come see her to get it back.

Maybe inaction is best at this point. I text her good morning and try to follow the 2/3 text rule. The girl flew 15 hours round trip including driving time, etc. to see me at her own expense, slept with me, etc. She is HOT AF AND put together/wealthy. If it was just sex she could get that anywhere including where she lives. The interest level is already high, maybe I should keep texting to a minimum until my flight to see her in a couple weeks.

If I err on any side, maybe I'm better off erring on NOT texting her too much. Easier to fix. To date I have STILL never called her despite her calling me. That said she hasn't called after the 3rd day of calls in a row. I wonder if I should call her. Of course there is the fear she doesn't answer and it becomes awkward...Hence why I never call women. Which seems to work in my favor though...

 

[jnMissouri]

Your focus is being sourced ‘outside to in’ vs ‘inside to out’

If you are the prize and are that frame, that will dictate your actions. Right now you are playing ‘not to lose’ which implies that in time it will be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

There’s more work to do, ‘you with you’

Right, I need to maintain that frame and not worry about pursuing since she has done all the pursuing to date? I keep trying to remind myself that she flew all that way at her own expense despite virus fears that she had to come meet me, slept with me, had a great time, etc. Maybe doing nothing is the best thing here other than the occasional/daily good morning check in text.

 

[Crosstimbers Okie]

Wayyyyy to much overthinking, OP. Just live your life, text when you feel like it but don't overdo it.

Bravo!! Instead of trying to manipulate her, just live for yourself and do what you want to do. If you feel like calling her, call her. If you feel like turning your phone off, turn it off.