How to act around an ex who cheated/disrespected you?

[Wyldfire]

Ouch. That hurts coming from a "mature" woman with 7000+ posts on a men's message board. You get the trophy baby.....you can retire anytime.

I call 'em as I see 'em. You ARE acting like a hysterical woman.

Your first sentence is being realistic.

The last two sentences were you trying to defend the actions of a woman who betrayed someone's trust. But it's okay, because she was probably lonely, right?

Oh for the love of Christ...I didn't defend her...I don't even know her. I said she PROBABLY didn't intend to disrespect or hurt HIM...that she PROBABLY got lonely and THAT is PROBABLY what motivated her. Nowhere did I say that she was a good person or that she did not behave selfishly. I simply said that she PROBABLY didn't cheat with the intention of HURTING him. But then most people who cheat don't set out to hurt their significant other anyhow...they do it because they are being selfish. Everyone KNOWS this...and it really is NOT necessary to explain that to those reading this because THEY KNOW IT ALREADY.

If you hadn't thrown in that last sentence I wouldn't have commented. But the way I read it (and I'm not the only one who took it this way) is that you were making an excuse for why she cheated. And that isn't right any way you look at it.

Telling the guy the TRUTH...that she PROBABLY cheated because SHE was lonely and NOT to intentionally disrespect him is NOT making excuses. It's simply saying..."Dude, don't sweat it or let it get you down...her cheating was about her own feelings and NOT about anything you did or didn't do." YOU are the only one blowing it all out of proportion like some hysterical freaking chick.

I find it funny that you would reply in a civilized manner to the FIRST poster who called you on your B.S., but you went for the jugular with me. I was simply agreeing with him.

I was more civil to Collossus because he felt I was being kinda cold and harsh in what I said and that is exactly what he voiced his opinion about. He did NOT collectively whine about all women or act like he was a damn victim of women or that men are collective victims of women. He didn't get all illogical and claim I was making excuses for this woman. He did not lash out at all women because he didn't like what I said...he got a little snarky with ME and ONLY me. I don't have any problem with someone disagreeing with me or doing so a bit sarcastically. I respect that. What I don't respect is a man who makes comments like "Typical...ALL women make excuses...blah, blah, blah." Biotch please...damn near everyone on this site has been cheated on. My ex husband cheated on me once, too. Even though he was an abusive asswipe he didn't cheat to hurt me...he cheated because he was selfish. It's rare for ANYONE to go out and cheat specifically because they want to hurt or disrespect someone else. In fact...they aren't thinking about their significant other AT ALL...they are thinking about themselves. Hurting or disrespecting the other person is just an unfortunate byproduct of their selfishness and thoughtlessness. Anyone who doesn't understand that is being a damn victim...and I find it rather difficult to respect anyone who embraces victimhood.

Whatever. You and the rest of the sheep should live your life however you see fit. It just might benefit you to take the blinders off from time to time. But again, whatever.

Oh Boo freaking Hoo...I'm not the one with the blinders on, buddy. You ought to take a look in the mirror before pointing any fingers. I'm telling the person who started this thread the truth. I'm telling him that yes, people cheat. I'm telling him that if he gets cheated on it has NOTHING to do with him and everything to do with the person who cheated. This is bothering him because like most men...he feels in some way inadequate because this girl cheated on him. You are encouraging him to hold on to those unhealthy feelings by pushing him to continue to feel like a victim. He did nothing wrong to make her cheat on him. He has NO reason to feel disrespected or inadequate in any way. He DOES have EVERY reason to forget about this girl, move on with his life and just let it go. Unpack the baggage as it comes...that's my philosophy and that is what I'm encouraging him to do. Her cheating on him is NOT about him now, won't be about him 10 years from now and the best thing he can do is forget about it and her and get on with his life.

 

[RedPill]

RedPill, what you've said makes sense, and to be honest, is what i partly do when a relationship ends. My thoughts about the girl and wanting to be with her drop, and i only seem to think about her in terms of friendship, if at all. It has always made moving on with my life a lot easier, so easy that the cutting people out of my life option is the most natural thing for me to do. I don't want to be limited though. And what you said helps me to work out ways in which i could act, which are natural to me and not forced. Anything else you could add though would be appreciated a lot.

If the whole episode with her cheating took place 4 years ago, it's well in the past. I bet this chick never really thinks about you, and is not actively disrespecting you. So my question to you is what exactly do you mean by "gaining that respect back?" I have a hard time not interpreting this as "getting her interest level back."

 

[Hawke]

No, i mean respect level. I'll admit, on some level i would have liked to have got back with her again, but i knew i couldn't trust her and so when she offered to start something again, i said no. I have no negative feelings associated with that event anymore, i just want to be prepared for future situations like it. Just looking through this site shows they happen, and i want to be ready.

For example, take into account the worse possible case where a girl thinks lowly of you, where she has no respect for you, i'd like to be able to get that respect back. Now even if that is next to impossible, i'll still look for ways to make it happen. Challenge is always good, and nothing is impossible.

 

[A-Unit]

Re:

Having been there, it depends.

Why will you be seeing her again?

Personally, if *I* do not want to see her, or might act, and by I mean acting a way that MIGHT get certain results, I wouldn't even bother with the interaction.

Once an X, always an X. And with that mind set, treat her like new acquaintance. Do not try to get her respect. You do not need, nor want it. The value of the respect you receive is in direct relation to her own respect and value. A valueless and dispresectful person is not worth trying to gain the respect of. Moreover, you don't CONSCIOUSLY do anything to gain respect, because then you're only acting 1 way to get someone's approval. Then you have to figure out what to do for the next person to get their respect. Like being a puppett?

Fact is, I've run into X's before. IT ALWAYS pays to be the bigger person, so that at SOME POINT, they realize how awful they truly are. And it's ALWAYS worked for me. Some guys like to be d!cks, but they end grovelling, or feeling bad years later, or maybe just months later. For some reason they feel BIGGER, but it only makes their EGOs bigger. This only justifies her SH!TTY behavior MORE, and will further prove that it's OK to be a CVNT.

Every girl thate ever dissed me or dumped me or basically just flaked, came back because I believe in being the good person in all situations. It does not pay in the long or short run. In the short run, you feel crappy about 5 minutes later, and in the long run you do not get the benefit of the doubt. I've been able to redate girls who flaked, or talked ish to me, for no reason, years later, or keep a network of FWB's, just because of that. Not to mention, BEING BIGGER requires no FORETHOUGHT, no planning, no worry. Nothing.

During college, my X was a year younger, we'd broken up, but she REALLY didn't want to be, SHE just wanted to give me the pain in return I'd given her for why we'd broken up. THE MINUTE I began dating, or acting OK with things, it really bugged her, because her negative actions NO LONGER worked.

My LDR to Texas (who may have cheated on me, I certainly dated other girls), ended it right after my Hawaiian trip. About 8 months later, I went to TX for business again and she was there, fully expecting to get laid, I went **** and funny on her, got bombed, and wound up realizing she went total douche on me. Nothing happened, she was miserable. Only until months later did she apologize and realize how she messed it up. And maybe she'd find another guy soon, nonetheless, it just pays to be the bigger person at all times. Thereby keeping your reputation POSITIVE.



A-Unit

 

[STR8UP]

Oh for the love of Christ...I didn't defend her...I don't even know her. I said she PROBABLY didn't intend to disrespect or hurt HIM...that she PROBABLY got lonely and THAT is PROBABLY what motivated her.

You would never hear a man even bring up her lack of intent or the possible reasons why she did it.

You didn't realize it when you were typing it, but you WERE trying to downplay her actions and tag a logical reason to it. That's why you came off as jumping in to her defense.

Nowhere did I say that she was a good person or that she did not behave selfishly.

You didn't have to. It's pretty easy to read between the lines when you are giving REASONS why someone did something that was inappropriate.

But then most people who cheat don't set out to hurt their significant other anyhow...they do it because they are being selfish. Everyone KNOWS this...and it really is NOT necessary to explain that to those reading this because THEY KNOW IT ALREADY.

That's why it was completely unnecessary for you to comment about it. If it was a given why did you bring it up? The only reason I can figure is that you were sticking up for someone.

Telling the guy the TRUTH...that she PROBABLY cheated because SHE was lonely and NOT to intentionally disrespect him is NOT making excuses. It's simply saying..."Dude, don't sweat it or let it get you down...her cheating was about her own feelings and NOT about anything you did or didn't do."

Wouldn't it have been much easier to say what you meant? That wasn't even close to what I read.

I was more civil to Collossus because he felt I was being kinda cold and harsh in what I said and that is exactly what he voiced his opinion about. He did NOT collectively whine about all women or act like he was a damn victim of women or that men are collective victims of women. He didn't get all illogical and claim I was making excuses for this woman.

I don't know what post YOU read but this is what I was responding to:

"Please. That's disrespect any way you slice it. Regardless of her intent, she still did it. Way to use loneliness as a write-off for screwing someone else. You rock."

To which I replied:

"Typical.

A woman will use ANY excuse she can come up with to avoid accountablity."

Hmmm....sounds like I was agreeing with and elaborating on what he said. What part of "Way to use loneliness as a write-off for screwing someone else." was unclear? Sounds like he WAS claiming that you were making excuses. Am I missing something?

He did not lash out at all women because he didn't like what I said...he got a little snarky with ME and ONLY me.

As did I.

I don't have any problem with someone disagreeing with me or doing so a bit sarcastically. I respect that. What I don't respect is a man who makes comments like "Typical...ALL women make excuses...blah, blah, blah."

Do you need a new pair of glasses to go along with your Alzheimers medication?

Once again, I said,

"Typical.

A woman will use ANY excuse she can come up with to avoid accountablity."

I didn't say ALL because that wouldn't be true. But the fact remains that it has been my experience that EVERY time I have been cheated on or have known a guy who has, this is the default female excuse to try to weasel her way out of being accountable for her actions.

Anyone who doesn't understand that is being a damn victim...and I find it rather difficult to respect anyone who embraces victimhood.

Kind of like being a "victim" of loneliness, huh? Hyppocrite.

You are encouraging him to hold on to those unhealthy feelings by pushing him to continue to feel like a victim. He did nothing wrong to make her cheat on him. He has NO reason to feel disrespected or inadequate in any way.

He was a victim. Who knows, maybe she was also a victim of something else, but that's not what we are talking about here.

He has no reason to feel disrespected after his girl cheated on him? Wow, your true colors are really showing.

 

[Wyldfire]

I'm not even reading your drivel anymore. You're just wound up and pissed at me because I told you I think it's stupid to waste money on a f*cking toupee. I stopped posting on your "Hooray For my rug!" thread because you are behaving like a simpering pathetic lactating boob getting all defensive when anyone disagrees with you that it's such a beautiful thing to glue someone else's hair to the top of your head.

Just take your wig into some corner and stroke it, admire it and masterbate yourself with the damn thing for all anyone cares...just shut the hell up and stop being such a goddamned biotch.

You are dismissed...

 

[STR8UP]

Wow, and she claims that I'm the one with my panties in a bunch. LOL

To the original poster- Sorry to jack the thread, I was only trying to give my input, but I couldn't help get lured into Miss, "Now you done gone and pissed me off's" little rant.

I was honestly just trying to give my input and could have cared less about the other thread, but obviously she didn't feel the same....

 

[STR8UP]

Even an excuse leads to the truth if you want to follow it. So i don't see a problem with that... only problem i can see is if you were to accept the excuse and do nothing about it.

Of course it can. But the truth really doesn't matter, and you should never let yourself take the blame when someone cheats on you. By looking for a reason all you are doing is shifting the blame to yourself.

I stand by what I said originally. Cheating is WRONG, regardless of the circumstances.

 

[cactus3178]

Jeez, I hate to step into the middle of this pissing contest....

But, the bottom line is, cheating while in a relationship is wrong. Kinda makes the whole concept pointless, ya know?

Anybody here can disagree, but they'd be wrong. To the OP, f*ck it, you don't have to be rude to her, just be short, and go on about your business.

It's all so f*cking simple.

 

[Hawke]

Again thank you all for your posts, it's been most helpful.

 

[MightyMate]

Act like You dont care. And just make laugh of her like she has no value.

 

[Last Man Standing]

Just as the title says, how would you guys act around a girl who cheated on you in the past, or disrespected you badly?

Adding to the disrespect part, do you think it's possible to gain that respect back? And if so, how do you think that could be done?

You fool -- are you seeking the company and affection of a cheating hor??? Why?????????????