How to act around an ex who cheated/disrespected you?

[Hawke]

Just as the title says, how would you guys act around a girl who cheated on you in the past, or disrespected you badly?

Now i'll add a little detail here and say that i'm asking mainly through curiosity. There was an ex of mine who cheated on me 4 years back, it was a long distance relationship so i expected it to happen someday so i moved on from her after a few days. We kept intouch, but as i focus on keeping distant from anyone who acts that way it wasn't so often. Hence there's a gap in my knowledge, and why i'm interested to hear replies to the above question.

Adding to the disrespect part, do you think it's possible to gain that respect back? And if so, how do you think that could be done?

 

[OrioleMagic]

I would just let her know you have moved on. Just don't act real interested in her. If she lives far away, why do you still keep in contact with her. I would never go back to a woman who had cheated on me. Its not worth the damage to your self-esteem. I could never trust a woman like that, maybe if she cheated on me at age 18,and I ran into her at age 30, then I would give her a 2nd chance.

 

[Colossus]

I wouldnt even give her the time of day. Why the hell would you want to talk an ex who betrayed, decieved, or disrespected you? If you have said your peace with her and cut all relations off, then you have nothing else to say.

--On a side note, I would never give a cheater a second chance. EVER. My trust in her would be forever burned.

 

[Wyldfire]

It was a LDR...and it's very unrealistic for anyone to expect someone to not see other people in that kind of situation. You are viewing it as her disrespecting you when it's unlikely that was ever her intent. She was probably just lonely.

 

[Colossus]

It was a LDR...and it's very unrealistic for anyone to expect someone to not see other people in that kind of situation. You are viewing it as her disrespecting you when it's unlikely that was ever her intent. She was probably just lonely.

Please. That's disrespect any way you slice it. Regardless of her intent, she still did it. Way to use loneliness as a write-off for screwing someone else. You rock.

 

[DJDamage]

Just as the title says, how would you guys act around a girl who cheated on you in the past, or disrespected you badly?

By banishing her from my world (out of sight out of mind). Then go hook up with a hotter woman.

DjDamage

 

[Wyldfire]

Please. That's disrespect any way you slice it. Regardless of her intent, she still did it. Way to use loneliness as a write-off for screwing someone else. You rock.

Not saying it didn't sting or hurt his pride...I'm just saying that it's unrealistic to expect exclusivity in a LDR. Eventually one of them were going to be unfaithful. That's just the nature of the LDR beast. It's pointless for him to put thought into how to act towards her...it serves no purpose at all for him other than to give him an excuse to sit on the pity pot. I'm not going to encourage him to do that.

 

[STR8UP]

Please. That's disrespect any way you slice it. Regardless of her intent, she still did it. Way to use loneliness as a write-off for screwing someone else. You rock.

Typical.

A woman will use ANY excuse she can come up with to avoid accountablity.

I don't care if you live on the other side of the world and only see your significant other once every year, if you are committed to someone it's wrong to cheat, PERIOD.

Is it likely to happen in an LDR? Of course. That's why you avoid it like the plague.

 

[Wyldfire]

Typical.

A woman will use ANY excuse she can come up with to avoid accountablity.

I don't care if you live on the other side of the world and only see your significant other once every year, if you are committed to someone it's wrong to cheat, PERIOD.

Is it likely to happen in an LDR? Of course. That's why you avoid it like the plague.

Okay, let me get this straight...I post that in light of it being a LDR that it was probably a case of her getting lonely rather than setting out to disrespect him, someone else thinks I'm being cold for saying he should never have expected either one of them to stay faithful...and you come up with "A woman will use ANY excuse she can come up with to avoid accountability."

Your logic is seriously flawed. First of all...my opinion on what probably motivated her to cheat on him is just that...my opinion. So...either you are accusing some woman you've never even spoke to as trying to avoid accountability (nothing has been posted to indicate that) or you are accusing ME of trying to "avoid accountability". I have to ask exactly what it is that you think I'm supposed to be accountable for here? I didin't cheat on him. All I did was offer my opinion on what probably led her to cheat. Jesus...I think that glue is toxic and killing some damn brain cells.

About LDRs...if anyone is going to allow themselves to be emotionally attached to someone far away that you can't see DON'T set yourselves up to fail by expecting, asking for, demanding or promising to be exclusive. It's NOT FAIR to either person. If you're going to form or maintain an attachment at a distance do it as friends who are honest about being interested in being more if the situation ever permits...but without selfishly asking the other person to put their life on hold until then. I say this because I have had an emotional attachment with a man who lives far away from me for the past 6 years. We love each other VERY much and we'd both rather be with each other than anyone else and we both know that. But we are NOT close enough to have that kind of relationship and we know it. We are committed to having a great friendship and caring about each other very deeply...but if we can't have sex with each other then we have no business telling or expecting each other to go without sex or the company of someone else just because we love each other. Bottom line...if you are hell bent on having a long distance relationship the only way it will stand the test of time is if you both are free to see other people while maintaining the emotional bond. That is all...

 

[SoCalMike]

Just as the title says, how would you guys act around a girl who cheated on you in the past, or disrespected you badly?

DO NOT act mean. But I wouldn't talk to her. If she talked to me I'd be polite but short worded. I'd make it clear (nicely) I want her to buzz off.

If you get all nasty, it makes you look like you have low-self esteem and are a butt hurt loser, with no other options.

 

[STR8UP]

Okay, let me get this straight...I post that in light of it being a LDR that it was probably a case of her getting lonely rather than setting out to disrespect him, someone else thinks I'm being cold for saying he should never have expected either one of them to stay faithful...and you come up with "A woman will use ANY excuse she can come up with to avoid accountability."

I wouldn't have said you were "cold" for saying something like you did, but it certainly says a lot about the kind of person you are to claim that someone should expect to be cheated on in ANY kind of committed relationship.

Your logic is seriously flawed. First of all...my opinion on what probably motivated her to cheat on him is just that...my opinion.

You said "It was a LDR...and it's very unrealistic for anyone to expect someone to not see other people in that kind of situation. You are viewing it as her disrespecting you when it's unlikely that was ever her intent. She was probably just lonely."

Probably just lonely huh? It wouldn't be so totally obvious that you were making an excuse for what she did if this weren't the same excuse used by 98.9% of all women who cheat. "He wasn't showing me any affection" isn't a reason, it's an excuse.

When you preface "She was probably just lonely." with "It was a LDR...and it's very unrealistic for anyone to expect someone to not see other people in that kind of situation." to my ears it sounds like you are saying that someone who agrees to an LDR has the right to cheat. Just what IS your criteria for judging when it's okay to cheat? Is distance the only factor, or do you have other loopholes?

And what exactly does her not intending to disrespect him have anything to do with this? Again, it sounds like another attempt to justify the behaviour of a female who is doing something deceitful. If a woman posted about her man fukking around behind her back you would call him a good for nothing dog, not look to rationalize his behaviour.

I have to ask exactly what it is that you think I'm supposed to be accountable for here? I didin't cheat on him. All I did was offer my opinion on what probably led her to cheat.

You weren't the one on trial, but you were defnding the actions of a female with the most unoriginal excuse in the book.

Jesus...I think that glue is toxic and killing some damn brain cells.

Wow, third grade humor. I'm glad my interactions with people like you are limited to an internet message board.

About LDRs...if anyone is going to allow themselves to be emotionally attached to someone far away that you can't see DON'T set yourselves up to fail by expecting, asking for, demanding or promising to be exclusive. It's NOT FAIR to either person.

That's why no one should ever put themselves in that kind of situation, but that's beside the point. If someone commits to another person it isn't right to betray their trust, regardless of the circumstances. But I already know that most people lack integrity, so it comes as no surprise that something like this would happen. BUT IT STILL DOESN'T MAKE IT RIGHT.

 

[STR8UP]

I like how your kind of guys feel that the women are SOOOO susceptible, that they can never establish MLTR's with you, but you can freely do it to them. Once they do establish multiple relations, you melt down, and succumb to a SLTR, LDR, or No relationship.

I hope you weren't talking about me, because I have never cheated on anyone in my life. Maybe it's a flaw of mine, but I pride myself on my integrity and I state my intentions up front. If I commit to a relationship, I expect her to be as faithful to me as I am to her. If I don't want a relationship I will tell her so and it's up to her to decide which way to take it.

Matter of fact, I was talking to a friend of mine about this today. It seems that he has the exact same problem that I have with a chick. Both of us are trying to get some ass from girls who want relationships.

The one I have been messing around with knows exactly where I stand. I told her straight up that I don't want a relationship right now, friends only. She replied "I already have enough friends". Doesn't stop her from staying the night and playing kissy face, but she won't give it up.

We came to the conclusion that the only way to break through the ASD (or whatever you want to call it) with these women is to either be patient and work your game hoping she will crack or just lie your way into their pants by telling them what they want to hear. Sh1t.....anyone else would do whatever it takes to get the panties off, why should I be any different?

 

[Wyldfire]

Dude...you are off your rocker. Stop behaving like such a biotch with all the emotional responses and reactions. I half expect you to start lactating.

I'm realistic...and I wasn't making excuses for anyone. I was simply saying that it is FOOLISH to think that either you or the other person will not cheat in a LDR. I said he set himself up to be hurt by expecting that no one would cheat in this situation. I am 100% right in everything I have said. You're just pissy at me because of my opinions regarding your hairpiece and you brought it onto this thread because I stopped posting on the other thread. For the record...I stopped posting on that thread because I felt sorta embarassed for you because you are reacting like a woman on that thread too.

 

[flexion_]

I'd just treat her like a stranger. Not good or bad just someone that you pass in the street. No real point in trying to avoid her or ignore - that takes effort and there is no reason to exert any effort on someone like this.

 

[Colossus]

Sh1t.....anyone else would do whatever it takes to get the panties off, why should I be any different?

Because---

...I pride myself on my integrity and I state my intentions up front...

You said so.

 

[RedPill]

...most people lack integrity, so it comes as no surprise that something like this would happen.

Quite possibly the root cause of so many of society's problems. Nobody holds themselves accountable for anything. In an instance like this, I'd say the intial breach of integrity was neither party being up front about the conditions of the LDR. Of course, if people were up front about LDRs, nobody would be in any LDRs because they're unrealistic. As you said Hawke, the infidelity was expected.

I'm always screening people who come into my life (women are no exception)for integrity - can't stand people who are full of excuses and bullsh*t to avoid accountability about anything. Chicks who do non-integrity things get released by me a lot quicker now than they used to. For example, things like being extremely late for everything, always forgetting important items like their ID or keys, and hiding their feelings from people to avoid any sort of conflict. The biggest red flag of lacking integrity is when they act like they're used to people taking care of things for them (dad, AFCs, etc) because it shows that they're used to no accountability.

But that little rant aside, Hawke I'm not sure why you'd want her respect (you mean interest in you) back. I'm guessing it's because she lost interest in you for no real reason other than the distance, and it's ego-bruising. Your situation reminds me a bit of a chick I nexted once because she moved over an hour away and it was clear her interest was dropping quickly after the move - I wouldn't do the LDR thing and she wouldn't do the FB thing. On the ocassions when I saw her back around, part of me wanted to game her to see if she'd respond because my ego was bothered by the fact her interest dropped so quickly, but objectively the right thing to do was not even think about her.

It's cliche on here, but the best way to deal with this is to cut her out of your thoughts entirely, work on improving your life, and lay other women. If she's around at all in the future, she'll likely "respect" (be attracted to) or envy your success and happiness without her.

 

[STR8UP]

Dude...you are off your rocker. Stop behaving like such a biotch with all the emotional responses and reactions. I half expect you to start lactating.

Ouch. That hurts coming from a "mature" woman with 7000+ posts on a men's message board. You get the trophy baby.....you can retire anytime.

I'm realistic...and I wasn't making excuses for anyone.

Your first sentence is being realistic.

The last two sentences were you trying to defend the actions of a woman who betrayed someone's trust. But it's okay, because she was probably lonely, right?

I am 100% right in everything I have said.

If you hadn't thrown in that last sentence I wouldn't have commented. But the way I read it (and I'm not the only one who took it this way) is that you were making an excuse for why she cheated. And that isn't right any way you look at it.

You're just pissy at me because of my opinions regarding your hairpiece and you brought it onto this thread because I stopped posting on the other thread.

I find it funny that you would reply in a civilized manner to the FIRST poster who called you on your B.S., but you went for the jugular with me. I was simply agreeing with him.

For the record...I stopped posting on that thread because I felt sorta embarassed for you because you are reacting like a woman on that thread too.

Whatever. You and the rest of the sheep should live your life however you see fit. It just might benefit you to take the blinders off from time to time. But again, whatever.

 

[STR8UP]

Because---



You said so.

Yea, I was saying that I might be better off breaking the rules like everyone else instead of being the one who always gets screwed.

 

[STR8UP]

Quite possibly the root cause of so many of society's problems. Nobody holds themselves accountable for anything.

So true, so true.

 

[Hawke]

Thank you everyone for your replies so far, they have been very interesting and thought provoking.

I do want to clear something up though, i guess my first post here wasn't entirely clear. I blame myself as i did have to type it up quickly. I have no interest in getting back with my ex. And as for gaining her respect, part of me would like that, just as i like others to respect me to. I gave that example to show because we aren't in regular contact anymore i have little experience with how to act around a girl who did such a thing. I don't wish to burn bridges as that really seems to me to be to drastic a solution, and as we both were aware of how difficult long distance was, we still remained friendly with one another afterwards. And of course i hate cutting myself off from possible future options, whatever they may be. I prefer to turn relationships back into friendships, and so far i can do that. Except i've never really tested myself in this particular situation.

When people have shown me disrespect in the past i have cut them out of my life, i've never had the time to deal with people like that, and there are always plenty of new people to meet. But doing that i've found really does limit options, and so i see it as too drastic these days, so it will always remain the last and final option. And it was partly through reading some threads on here of people cheating that reminded me of my ex, and the fact i have very little idea of how i'd act to keep from making the girl see me as being some kind of walk over, an idiot, etc if i was to still keep intouch and be friendly.

RedPill, what you've said makes sense, and to be honest, is what i partly do when a relationship ends. My thoughts about the girl and wanting to be with her drop, and i only seem to think about her in terms of friendship, if at all. It has always made moving on with my life a lot easier, so easy that the cutting people out of my life option is the most natural thing for me to do. I don't want to be limited though. And what you said helps me to work out ways in which i could act, which are natural to me and not forced. Anything else you could add though would be appreciated a lot.

ethnomethodologist, yes, what you said is what follows with my understanding. The not blowing up and getting insecure part that is. Add to that what SoCalMike said, about not acting mean, being polite, etc, that helps to. That should help me come up with some more ideas.

I will add before i finish this, i do believe somewhat what Wyldfire said way up there. Eventually one of us was going to be unfaithful, and neither of us were blind to that. It was a risk we both knew was worth it, and our time together was great. Personally i expected her to cheat after 4 or so months, it surprised me when we lasted 16. So while some of you may feel that what Wyldfire said was coming up with an excuse to defend my ex, there was some truth in it. Even an excuse leads to the truth if you want to follow it. So i don't see a problem with that... only problem i can see is if you were to accept the excuse and do nothing about it.

And Wyldfire, JonJack, thank you both for providing a different point of view for what you thought was my situation. One taking into account her feelings. That i see so little these days, i hope to definately read more of your posts in the future, and to hear more of your opinions and views on what i write.

Oh, and definately one last thing... STR8UP, Wyldfire, any problems you have with one another please take it elsewhere. While your discussions have added quite a lot of useful information, i don't want fights.

Again thanks, and any more replies anyone wants to make please do. Infact now i think about it, how about some ideas of how to act after the cheating, that would really make a girl look down on you. Make her just think that you aren't worth sh*t and walk away.