How should I go about women after an abusive bpd relationship.

[Killakittie]

Ok I haven't been single in like 10 years. In those 10 years I've had two bpd women and a couple of normal relationships. This last relationship my ex was really bad, she was physically violent, emotionally violent, and was constantly playing mental games. I was able to talk her into moving out of my house and convincing her that it was her best choice for our relationship to survive. I had to maintain a solid unshakable frame as she was analyzing all my behavior and the slightest thing would set her off. Thankfully I was able to convince her that she wanted to move out and so she did reluctantly. Now my question is I love attention from women! But I know I should stay single, I have no problem talking to girls, but my problem is is that I am nervous and unsure of myself, kind of like I can't decide if this is what I really want or not. You know I want to get laid but when it comes down to it if if a solid number 8 or number 9 wanted to f*** me right now I honestly cannot say if I would do it or not. There's some kind of mental block there.
So what do you guys suggest? And I'm going to be brutally honest here. I don't want to get sucked into another relationship. I need to learn to live by myself but I also want *****. I feel like at times I need validation from women. Is there anything I can do to stop feeling like I need a women's validation? I want to date without these strings attached. But since I'm 30 and have had a gf pretty much constantly since high school, I kinda programed myself a sense of security that I'm used to having a gf. Now my goal is to remain single, but I need to get to a place where I truly feel ok with being by myself. I'm not sure this is possible right now if I'm interacting writh females. Correct me if I'm wrong. I have my own house, car, job, and I'm financially stable.

 

[LiveYourDream]

I feel like at times I need validation from women.
I need to get to a place where I truly feel ok with being by myself.

You are onto it. These two statements are keys on the roadmap to doing it differently.

I too got burned. I came to recognize the hard way, that I was unconsciously seeking love and validation outside myself. I see ever so clearly now, how that makes one a perfect target, for those wishing to con and manipulate others, for personal gain.

How never to get taken again? I am still reflecting, studying and working through that myself. I too would like to hear more from others.

Here is what I can suggest:

Become aware of how and when you seek validation from others. Become aware of why. Find ways to validate yourself. Monitor your thoughts, feeling and actions, for any slipping back into the old habits. Immediately call yourself out if one surfaces. Stop any related behavior immediately and address the root within yourself immediately.

I think awareness is the master key. Maybe make a list of all the ways; big, small, and even minute, that you have sought validation from your ex's (friends, family, co-workers too) in the past.

The point is not to judge it, but to become REALLY conscious and aware of what we are up to, within ourselves, on the most subtle levels. We cannot truly change until we are aware.

Perhaps if we get REALLY aware of all the ways we have done it before, we can more immediately recognize and respond, if we should start to engage similar thoughts or behaviors again.

Be ruthless to not engage those patterns again.

Underneath that, and most importantly, find out how to make sure your own cup with; self worth, self respect, self care, positive self regard and acceptance of who you are, as you are, so that it is always full and hopefully overflowing at some point.

It is my intent to relate from a full cup, to another with a full cup. As for close personal relationships, that is always my expectation. Ideally the cups are overflowing for each and we relate with one another by sharing from our overflow.

I believe we get into trouble when our own cup isn't full and we are in someway or looking for another to fill it (to relieve any feelings of emptiness, lack, loneliness, desire for love or connection etc.) In the same way, It's also off balance, in my view, if our cup is mostly full, yet we particuarily seek others with emptier cups, so as to always be rescuing or subtly somehow feed our egos. To me I see lack of true fulfillment as well, when two or more people with very empty cups, come together to build community around the emptiness of their cups. Many possible out of balance combinations.

I don't know if anyone can follow that. In essence, I think all are served better when we take responsibility for our wholeness and participate with others from that place.

I believe self responsibility and self awareness are two of the biggest keys. I am still learning here too.

 

[Killakittie]

Very interesting metaphoric description. But spot on damn near! So I'm trying to stop myself everytime I catch my behavior leaning towards that. It can be hard as it happens without my awareness sometimes. I'm making progress slowly though.

 

[LiveYourDream]

It can be hard as it happens without my awareness sometimes.

It does for me too. This is why it is so important to persistently increase our awareness and especially focus on remaining truly conscious, in our interactions with others. With on-going focus, repetition and time, we will re-pattern those old habits into new conscious behaviors that truly serve our well-being.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

It can be hard as it happens without my awareness sometimes. I'm making progress slowly though.

Here's an effective exercise that will help, but you must do it daily, and HONESTLY. It's easy to BS oneself with these types of things.

Anyhow, do this:

1) At the end the day think of an "event" (you interacting with a woman) that didn't go as you wanted it to. WRITE IT DOWN.

2) Think of how you would have LIKED the event to have happened. WRITE THAT DOWN. But only write down YOUR BEHAVIOR differently.

3) Imagine your NEW BEHAVIOR as if it actually happened. Imagine that you said something that you didn't say, or didn't say something you wish you would have said. TAKE YOUR TIME. 5-10 minutes.

This does two things. One is it helps to alter your actual perception of your behavior. Two is it helps to practice new behaviors, so when similar events come up in the future, you will have PRE-WRITTEN memories that will help you behave differently.

It takes time, but it will definitely accelerate your ability to be "validation independent" of all women.

 

[Glumix]

There are so many things to say about that subject.
What LYD said is also my experience and what brought me to this forum.

It's called narcissism and we who have met a BPD have great chance to suffer from it. Being a savior is some kind of narcissism because it give you validation for the fact you save people. Most probably the same way you wanted to save your mother from your father or from disturbance you could have caused.

But doing that, you become dependent on those people because they become your source of validation.
"You are a good boy so I love you" instead of "You are a good boy so you can be proud of yourself.".

You think you are different, you are better and you will be the only one who saved them. It's easy love because you think you "only" have to save them to make them love you. In the praying mantises microcosm, you think you are the only male who is not going to get killed by that female after you had sex with but you cannot recognize that it's their very nature to kill their males. ALL of them.

So yeah, about internal validation, you have to understand that you have the permission to love yourself. It's OK to love yourself.
And you have to live in line with what makes YOU happy. So you will fill your cup and you will not allow abusive people in your life anymore.

But first, you have to know what makes you happy. With no woman involved. And build boundaries to protect that. I too have a full life with a good job, money, holidays, friends, passions, etc... I still ended up with BPDs because it's easy and I never asked myself if they were actually good people. And they are NOT! And you know that.

You also have to learn how to stop forgetting your self-worth. Because from forgetting your self-worth emerges all fear. You do not need to fear being alone or not finding the good girl. You just have to stop wasting your time with ****ed-up ones.

And you have to learn that a relationship is not about having. You cannot possess a relationship. The relationship just is. It can be good or bad. It can be distant or close. But a relationship should not be something that scares you, or raise doubt within yourself. It can sometimes, but not all the time.

I am telling you that because I am 99% sure you knew from day 1 that the girls you met were "special". You knew from day 1 that there was something odd floating around. And you forgot to flip the stones to discover what hides under. Take your time next time. You can still have sex with them while flipping stones, no problem.

BPD girls are here to teach us that.
Thanks them for that (well, don't actually call them to thanks them but do it internaly) and then walk away.

 

[Killakittie]

Your right I did know from day one, but I chose to ignore it, thinking that with their obvious flaws I'd have the upper hand by default. I've been talking to girls and I've gotten a few numbers but it hasn't gone past that because I just don't try. I want to get laid yet I'm just done chasing. I'm only going to invest time in women who seem genuinely interested in getting to know me. I'm not going to chase or qualify to them. This eliminates about 80% of the females right away.

 

[Killakittie]

Also I think there's something wrong with me because I'm actually attracted to the crazy pysco chick's. I operate comfortably in there midst, just too much energy to keep a relationship with them. But I like crazy. I got a lot of introspective analysis to do. I'm glad you guys are helping me out. I'm also wondering by what criteria to set boundaries for the women I date.

 

[Von]

Sounds like me too

You have that ''need'' to be a with woman, yet if they are not ''crazy'' they are boring..... you lose your appetite for the sex or the chase with the easy one (aka normal) which sometimes can give them the mix signals.

You just want to have sex or be with the ''crazy one'' because you want a challenge, a validation,you start analysing patterns of behaviour to get her. Yet you close yourself after the act

You probably score (kiss and sex) with every date you get, but than you leave it there cause it bores you. You want to go for that one who send you all kind of signals

How to help yourself ?

Realize who you are, Come to term with yourself, soul searching

1) review your behaviour while you were in a relationship, on dates, or friends interaction..... how you behave in such XXX XXX XXX scenarios
2) Find passions that self-improve (I picked gym and danse)
3) Create your status (I build my business) and friends (relevant to validation and social)
4) Create that mental image of you, interacting, your behaviour and always tell yourself again the priorites
5) Talk to the women you feel are normal, act casually with all the girls (if they feel you doing point 1 to 4) with the priorites/mental image of yourself coming to term with the ''needyness/chasing/Do i want or not'' they'll come to you..... it might even stop you from chasing