How should I deal with lower interest and other guys trying to game my girl?

[TYH]

Here's some background.

GF has been acting distant lately, and I feel like her interest level is dropping. So I've been trying to go mild contact. (I also kind of made a lot of AFC mistakes earlier on... Acted super available some time ago since I just moved to a new country and she was the only girl I knew for a while.) I'm hoping to salvage this by pulling my attention back a lot and at the same time hint to her that I have other prospects. It seems to be working for a while but now things are weird again. There's this other guy who's doing a lot of things for my GF (e.g. brought her soup and such when she's sick and hanging out with her a lot in a group of friends).

I know I shouldn't worry at all about what other guys are doing, and the default response to decreasing interest is to show disinterest myself, but I'm wondering if I'm going to be punished by being distant while others move in.

And also, the warning signs are there with this girl and I know I should probably just drop her and move on soon, but yea. Still hoping to keep her around for a while.

 

[EvilAgenda]

How old are you both, and how long have you been dating?

 

[bukowski_merit]

(I also kind of made a lot of AFC mistakes earlier on... Acted super available some time ago since I just moved to a new country and she was the only girl I knew for a while.)

Not the end of the world. You can remain as available as you like as long as her interest remains high. It's going to drop at some point anyway... Might as well enjoy the beginning high of it all... Field tested... I probably shouldn't be giving this kind of advice to those who are relatively new to this.... I'm just saying that this is normally only a minor problem if you know what you're doing and don't get supplicant, weak, etc. Which is probably more than likely what happened.

I'm hoping to salvage this by pulling my attention back a lot and at the same time hint to her that I have other prospects.

This is fine. But please do really have other prospects.

There's this other guy who's doing a lot of things for my GF (e.g. brought her soup and such when she's sick and hanging out with her a lot in a group of friends).

So i assume she keeps mentioning him to you (which is how you know)???

Dirty moves by her. Either she's into him and looking to branch swing or she's putting her feet in the lake of your emotions to see how far in she can go. Could also be a reaction to you implying that you have other options (she's showing you she does too). Dirty games get meant with dirty games.

Women have guys buy them things all the time, they have guys hit on them, they have guys ask them for numbers, etc. It's normal. It's not so normal to run and tell their BF everytime something like this happens. So bank on there being a reason for this....

I know I shouldn't worry at all about what other guys are doing, and the default response to decreasing interest is to show disinterest myself, but I'm wondering if I'm going to be punished by being distant while others move in.

Punished? Terrible frame!!!!!!!!!!!.... Being scared of such a thing will only bring weakness out of you. Pulling back your attention to her can result in a lot of things... One of those is someone else coming along and "moving in" on her.... Which is why you should be moving in on others yourself....

If you know karate and you get into a fight and that person uses karate back on you - you cannot say, "no fair! you're not allowed to use karate."

Things don't work like that....

Start to use tactics such as these - and expect a wise woman to use them back.

 

[TYH]

I'm 23 and she's 19. This is kind of silly, but yea only about 3 months.

As for how I know about the other guys, she hasn't mentioned anything directly to me. But she did mention it to my friend when we were all just chatting in a group. She hasn't mentioned the other guy yet at all except this one time. The other times, I simply found out because of a mutual friend with other guy, her, and me.

On a related note, the other day, she also asked if I was mad about this social event thing where people where as the event host, she was "set up" by the audience in a mock relationship thingy (it's super complicated to explain, but I'm in a totally weird culture right now...) I just told her I have no idea what she's talking about. Still, someone told her I looked like I was mad. But yea... not sure if I'm starting to come off weak and needy. And if I am, how should I regain?

 

[SgtSplacker]

Don't call her for a week, when you do talk to her tell her you have been hanging out with a female friend shes a makeup artist. Let her know your not very happy with the things you have been hearing and see what she says. Act like the guy that cares but just doesnt believe she really likes you...

 

[Szyzzlin]

ONLY DATE WOMEN WITH HIGH INTEREST!!!!

This makes your whole life 1 million times easier

 

[TYH]

You guys are right about my needing to sort out my emotions and insecurities. I think I'm developing both oneitis and becoming super beta, especially because of this:

then realize that you're not actually mad at her but at the fact that you may become lonely for the next couple of months or weeks or whatever. In this case...stay positive and sort out your emotions.

Moving to a new totally unfamiliar country is messing with my mindset so I'm getting super attached to this one girl.

Anyway, I think I dug myself deeper today. Broke my plan for NC and called her after BJJ practice and she didn't pick up. Got a text about 40 minutes later that reads,
"Just came back from xyzhospital~ Going to take a shower"

(we're both med students although I have no idea why she was at the hospital...)
Kind of feels like a subtle way of preventing me from asking her out for late night drinks since she knows I don't stick around the area after practice for long.

Anyway, I didn't reply.

 

[Ilboy]

Dude just drop her and move on.
You are in a foreign country, you are a foreigner...you are THE center of interest! It is so easy to get chicks in foreign countries.
I speak a few foreign languages, and whenever I am in a group of people who speak that language, or in that country, they are totally amazed (except France...they kind of expect you to speak French).

Just do it bro, it's easy as hell! And being a med student makes it way easier. That is an impressive thing to study plus a whole bunch of girls study medicine.

Just do it

 

[Jeffst1980]

Go no contact for a few days. When she contacts you, tell her you want to go to lunch and talk about some things that have been on your mind.

Then, break up with her gently by telling her that you're both young and that you don't want to get serious with anyone at this point in your life. Tell her that perhaps if the both of you were older, you'd be willing to see where things went, but that's just life. Pay for lunch, tell her you'll miss her, and then go.

Wait for her to contact you and seem ambivalent if she suggests trying to make it work. Don't take her back officially unless you are sure she has high interest.

This is the only way to reverse course when your girl shifts her attention from you to another guy. Drastic times call for drastic measures. Of course, this is very difficult to do, since your natural impulse will be to try to keep her. Understand that your impulses are not to do what is "correct," but what is easiest in the short term.

 

[TYH]

Go no contact for a few days. When she contacts you, tell her you want to go to lunch and talk about some things that have been on your mind.

Let's hope I don't go AFC and I stick this through. I feel like I'm always giving her excuses for being cold to me (e.g. midterm season, she's sick, it is indeed raining and cold, maybe I'm overanalyzing or my gut instincts are wrong... etc.) But yea I should just accept that she's not interested anymore.

In any case, I will go on NC. I feel like she might just never contact me again, which is fine (although it will feel like crap... My prospect building hasn't been all that great...).

And also hopefully, when she does contact, I will be able to break it off.

For the NC part, I see her every week (classes and friends overlap... etc. etc.) Should I make light small conversation with her if we're all hanging out in a group of friends? i.e. "How's your day?" Or should I merely say "hi" and just talk to the other people in the group? Or should I just avoid her all together and go hang out with my other circle of friends more?

 

[DonGorgon]

Here's some background.

GF has been acting distant lately, and I feel like her interest level is dropping. So I've been trying to go mild contact. (I also kind of made a lot of AFC mistakes earlier on... Acted super available some time ago since I just moved to a new country and she was the only girl I knew for a while.) I'm hoping to salvage this by pulling my attention back a lot and at the same time hint to her that I have other prospects. It seems to be working for a while but now things are weird again. There's this other guy who's doing a lot of things for my GF (e.g. brought her soup and such when she's sick and hanging out with her a lot in a group of friends).

I know I shouldn't worry at all about what other guys are doing, and the default response to decreasing interest is to show disinterest myself, but I'm wondering if I'm going to be punished by being distant while others move in.

And also, the warning signs are there with this girl and I know I should probably just drop her and move on soon, but yea. Still hoping to keep her around for a while.

fact is relationship life spans are very limited these days and you always have to be ready for it to be over... getting very attached is silly. usually she has moved on looong before she lets you know she has ... most people cheat and keep other options on the side so when it ends they dint have to mope around looking stupid and feeling like a sad dumped looser.

Men Always have other options ready and waiting cause its 10xs harder for us to find new hos to F where are our X girlfriends have 20 guys a day begging fro sex...

 

[TYH]

Just a quick update.

Now ex-gf and I had a little chat today over afternoon tea. Before I could pull the trigger and break it off (or maybe I was still too AFC and taking too long), she told me we wanted different things. And she didn't want to be BF/GF. But we are beyond friends. And then she says it might be better for me if we are just friends (wait... wtf?), to which I said, "you know that's not what I want." And she concedes on that point. Conversation flows very casually for a little more while. I tease her a bit about how nervous she looks. Anyway, a bit more talk. She tells me I was too aggressive. I said, "That's just my style. I'm aggressive sexually and I know I'm selfish, but I enjoy having a good time for myself." She says that it puts pressure on her when she sees me. And she needs her space. (So I did indeed become too needy earlier on.) I said, "Well, at least we had fun, right?" She agrees.

Convo shifts to some recent things. I said, "I'm going to be honest. I thought it was super annoying when you completely ignore me in class. I demand respect and you should know that." She apologizes and said she was too immature. But it's because I give her pressure and so she avoids me. And apologizes again.

More convo... Playful banter, kino stuff about sunscreen and glitter on her arms and stuff. Then she asks if I was sure she was the one in the our class that's best for me (college here is weird... majors are grouped into classes and so we rarely see people outside our majors). I said affirmatively, "no." Followed by "You know it doesn't matter. I'm very casual about things. And just because you might not be the best choice doesn't mean we can't have fun. You're asking this because you're not sure about me either." She agrees. And I said, "well, that's fine. All that matters is that I'm sure about myself." I don't think she caught on to what I meant by that last comment though.

More convo convo, and she brings up friends, BF, and beyond friends again. And I said, "I need to know where I lie, because if you have no feelings for me, I'm out." (Terrible idea here. Reeks of needy validation.) She ponders for a long time trying to figure out the words. Then says her idea of friends is not the same as mine (some cultural difference b.s.). And although we are beyond friends, maybe what's best for me is that we start as friends. I explain, "I don't ask my friends to go have dinners and movies with me. But if we're beyond friends, then we'd be doing those things. Beyond friends is not friends." She again concedes to being casual "beyond friends."

Somehow convo shifts to whether she harbors romantic feelings for me. (Another really bad idea on my part... In fact, this whole thing is a bad idea.) She thinks about it for a very very long time. And I said, "well, I guess that's the answer." And she mentions that what kills her feelings for me is when I pressure her to hang out and stuff. (I was way too needy and available).

And well... the rest I don't remember. But there's some joking and laughing involved. And I said, "Let's do something after midterms." She says, "like what?" I said, "I don't know. I'll think of something." Can't remember if she said OK, but it doesn't matter. It's nexting time.

Anyway, in the end I grabbed my drink and walked her to where she was going. A bit of teasing and stuff back and forth along the way about her immaturity and such.

Yea, that was a pretty horrendous thing. And even as I type it out, I realize all the things that I did wrong, starting with not cutting it off right away and just talking way too much.

Ironically, I feel so much better than, say, a week ago. Time to go out there and improve myself and meet other girls.

Now the hard part comes on Monday when I have to go to school and see her.

Thoughts, anyone, on this? Feel free to rip this apart for the sake of learning!

 

[perseverance]

Before I could pull the trigger and break it off (or maybe I was still too AFC and taking too long), she told me we wanted different things. And she didn't want to be BF/GF

That's where the conversation should have ended in my opinion. You want a relationship with all the trimmings and she doesn't know what she wants, all she knows is she doesn't want you. The fact she is able to admit she is immature is enough of a warning sign for any normal man to back away. Be thankful you were only in a relationship for three months, so you can walk away having invested very little into the relationship.

You're obviously inexperienced and it shows, but it is ok to make mistakes providing you learn from them. In your situation, I would have gotten up, wished her the best for the future, left her at the table and walked out of her life. Quite why anyone interested in someone beyond the realms of friendship would wish to remain friends is beyond me. You can't be friends with someone you want to screw or want a relationship with. It will just never work. Save yourself the drama and let go.

 

[Jeffst1980]

The important part is that you're intelligent and can remain objective enough to see where you made mistakes. Many guys simply refuse to believe that the advice on this forum applies to THEIR particular situation (although they will readily acknowledge it applies to *everybody else*). You're going to be fine-- remember, you aren't even close to your prime years for attracting women. Treat the rest of your 20's like a game, since you will probably want to "settle down" with a younger woman, anyway.

The best way to get over this one is to completely ignore her and just become an approach machine. The mere act of approaching girls will up your success with women, big time. Don't even focus on trying to get numbers- it will become obvious when there's "chemistry" and you won't even have to worry about using much game. Just become a social person and let girls become drawn into your frame- since you're in a foreign country, you will have a "novelty" factor that will make others interested in you. It'll actually help your game to make some female friends (NOT your ex!), because that will grant you invites to more parties, events, etc. It truly is a numbers game- no matter who you are. You will be shocked at how easy it is to generate options when you have an abundant social life.

Whatever you do, avoid the trap of staying at home because you aren't "ready." That's the WORST thing you can do! FORCE yourself to go out and socialize- remember, your ex wants to believe that you are obsessed with her and only her. This is your opportunity to prove her wrong.

 

[TYH]

Thanks guys. This forum is actually surprisingly effective at helping me move on and get motivated about meeting others.

A bit more reflection on this. Other than not just cutting it off right away, I think I definitely tried to push the "beyond friends" thing too hard because I was so afraid of being in the friend zone, perhaps more to protect my ego than anything else. Also I should not have asked to do something together at the end. Makes me sound like I'm 1. in denial and 2. desperate.

 

[goodlistener]

bump.