How much is enough?

[BeExcellent]

Decisions in dating is actually hell. Like Groundhog Day, every connection is an illusion. It is only when you take yourself off the market and find some greater purpose and feel compete in it will serendipity hit you like a ton of bricks. You know this. But your infatuation with dating prevents you from doing this.

Your assumptions are showing Grasshopper. Decisions in dating are simple, actually. They should be made according to one's aims, desires & self respect. I disagree with your statement that "connection is an illusion". No relationship is permanent, not even the 60 year marriages. Everything comes to an end one way or another. As you get older and begin to lose people around you in life (if you have not already), this comes into sharp focus. I have life purpose. I am internally validated and fulfilled. I have friends and family relationships that I treasure, and I enjoy the company of a good man...but I'm patient and have standards. There is no personal infatuation with dating. But I do get bombarded with attention all the time. It is a blessing in some ways but it has its cons at times too. I'm not one to sit around at home. Why waste time doing that? Life is best spent enjoying those around you because we cannot say how much time we have left here. My friends would all tell you that I am positive and that I radiate good energy.

He's giving you so much validation. I don't mean to offend but I can sense a lot of entitlement in your posts here as a result. The reason he's acting this way is because he became codependent in your relationship.

Your assumptions are also showing. You assign a causality in the above quote. You are incorrect on the merits.

This isn't about validation for me. I get that everywhere all the time. Always have. I've been called various varieties of bratty around here since joining the forum, years before I met him. That's OK.

What's always been MORE interesting to me is the need people here seem to have from time to time to try and knock me down a peg. That says a lot about the person doing the knocking down (or trying to). It has no bearing on my reality and the way I exist and conduct my life whatsoever. But if trying to knock me down makes you feel better or bigger, that says a ton about you. I am utterly unaffected.

He loves me. But he has his own demons to wrestle and I have a standard. If he isn't meeting my standard the self respecting thing for me to do is walk away as I have done. He can't use me. I don't let him.

I shared what I shared NOT for the purpose of showing off. Rather I shared to show my ex BF's struggle with the transition from hard core player type plate spinning to LTR. That's his struggle. I chose not to participate further and he is not accustomed to women walking away.

Will he go through the personal growth that is required of him? Can't say. I care for him and remain supportive of him in that way. He has grown, improved and matured while in relationship with me. He tells me constantly that he admires me and that I "make him a better man". And his behavior bears that out relative to the way he was when we first became acquainted.

What he is finding is that the endless conquests don't give him anything meaningful. He's known that for a time but it's come into sharp focus without me in his life. He is one of the strongest men mentally that I know. But he has his vulnerabilities and his flaws as we all do. He must face up to all his "stuff" on his own. I cannot fix him and am not his crutch.

He will only go through the fires of change and personal growth only when the pain of change is LESS than the pain of the status quo. He is reaching critical mass there.

That's the greater message. People change when the change is less painful than the current state. And it takes a minute to arrive at that realization.

He isn't calling me to get back together, although he does not want to lose me while he makes this journey. He is calling me because of his own disillusionment and because I am someone who knows the full context of his life and where he is. It is much deeper than you guys on an internet forum can see. Does it apply pressure to him knowing that I am not assured to be in his life? Maybe. He still has to make his journey. It is not in my hands.

Meanwhile I must go on and live my own life, and I am doing that irrespective of him.

 

[BeExcellent]

I don’t see anyone trying to knock you down. It’s the way you are perceiving it.

Nice try at gaslighting, lol. You then go on to say

And just because you are a woman does not mean you are always right.

Never have I asserted that I am always right. But it's interesting that you would say that. It's interesting what that says about you.

It's not about the fact that I'm a woman. It is due to the fact that I am the one who knows all the details of my own life and the people in it. Not you in your assumption that

Its totally possible that I am right about you,

Really? This could be interesting. Do go on.

We all know your dating life is far from perfect.

Really? Please explain. Just what does this "perfect" dating life look like?

If you can’t take people’s opinions without acting like people are trying to hate on you, then perhaps you should keep your dating life to yourself.

I see. Your posts are there for everyone to read in this thread. And the connotations of the words you choose are also self evident.

A 50 year old woman with a revolving door of a dating life is going to raise some suspicions.

A revolving door?
Suspicions?

What revolving door? Are 50 year olds supposed to be frumpy and afraid of the future and scared to socialize? I haven't turned into a cat lady yet?

Does that disappoint you? I merely share my reality as I see fit. I have yet to run into anyone with a perfect life, but if you know of someone do share. Enlighten us all. We'll wait.

Does it bother you that handsome high value men approach me? Would you have me wait a year between dates? I have abundance. So what.

Your posts are filled with assumptions, projections and shaming language. Any person of reasonable intelligence can read what you have written and objectively make that observation.

Ignore me. That's the simple solution isn't it? Be my guest.

I'm not offended at all. If anything I'm amused. Cheers.

 

[BeExcellent]

I've not asked for advice in this thread have I?

I've shared what I thought pertinent to the thread and my conversation with Augustus for example is a carry over or continuation from previous conversations we have had over the years in various threads etc. Obviously you would not have awareness of that without doing lots of digging about.

Just what exactly are you seeing through?

There is nothing to see through. But you continue to make these assertions. Why?

Why would you say the following?

Me being against you is all in your head.

Why would I think you are against me? I concur with much of your content however you are not the authority on my life. I am. My perspective is one voice here. Some posters get value out of what I share, others don't. It's a buffet. Use the perspective that serves you. Simple.

As I said previously, your posts speak without requiring a response. No worries, no harm, no foul.

I agree it's interesting that my ex BF would blow up my phone when he's out on the town two nights in a row. If you saw him or met him you'd not expect that from him. He has oneitis. It happens. He'll be OK.

And I'm doing just fine. Seriously. I'd share but then I'd REALLY look like a show off know-it-all. LOL

 

[EyeOnThePrize]

This isn't about validation for me. I get that everywhere all the time. Always have. I've been called various varieties of bratty around here since joining the forum, years before I met him. That's OK.

You misunderstand, this isn't something you're doing, it's somethings he's giving you because he's weak and thinks it'll win you over.

What's always been MORE interesting to me is the need people here seem to have from time to time to try and knock me down a peg. That says a lot about the person doing the knocking down (or trying to). It has no bearing on my reality and the way I exist and conduct my life whatsoever. But if trying to knock me down makes you feel better or bigger, that says a ton about you. I am utterly unaffected.

Well I definitely wasn't trying to knock you down, simply sharing my opinion of your tone and perspective. The nice thing about this forum is we can be open and blunt and the people that get it keep the conversation civil and constructive.

He isn't calling me to get back together

If that were true then he wouldn't jump at the opportunity should you present it, but from your story it sounds like he would do so instantly. He's simply attempting to win you over indirectly. Every attempt boosts your ego and crumples his because you probably indirectly turn him down. I'm assuming here sure, but misunderstandings are common with such ambiguous topics like love or empathy. We constantly clarify things on here, thats normal.

The best way to light a fire under his asss and help him through his trials is to cut contact(politely or otherwise) and leave him to his own devices. Something tells me you know this, which is why I find your continued contact interesting.

I feel the more he reaches out for comfort or advice or to simply validate you('you make me a better man') the more you see him as a friend. The only way this cycle breaks is if he grows some balls and pulls away on his own to recreate himself. If he succeeds you'll be starstruck and the tables will flip when you reach out after enough NC. Your relationship will polarize into a friendship or he'll cut off to work on himself. As a man I can tell you that your lack of reciprocation for his constant compliments and attention is killing him. Not that you should reciprocate, and no one is expected to turn down compliments or discourage them. But he may have easily misunderstand something you say as a breadcrumb, which only prolongs his suffering. This is on him, I'm only giving you a man's perspective (with a lot of assumptions ) he must stand upright, not be held upright.

I hope he gets his sheet together and stops cucking himself. I'm sure you would agree that his behavior can give someone a big head. Again if my assumptions seem incorrect please point them out. Thinking traps are the devil!

 

[BeExcellent]

You misunderstand, this isn't something you're doing, it's somethings he's giving you because he's weak and thinks it'll win you over.



Well I definitely wasn't trying to knock you down, simply sharing my opinion of your tone and perspective. The nice thing about this forum is we can be open and blunt and the people that get it keep the conversation civil and constructive.




If that were true then he wouldn't jump at the opportunity should you present it, but from your story it sounds like he would do so instantly. He's simply attempting to win you over indirectly. Every attempt boosts your ego and crumples his because you probably indirectly turn him down. I'm assuming here sure, but misunderstandings are common with such ambiguous topics like love or empathy. We constantly clarify things on here, thats normal.

The best way to light a fire under his asss and help him through his trials is to cut contact(politely or otherwise) and leave him to his own devices. Something tells me you know this, which is why I find your continued contact interesting.

I feel the more he reaches out for comfort or advice or to simply validate you('you make me a better man') the more you see him as a friend. The only way this cycle breaks is if he grows some balls and pulls away on his own to recreate himself. If he succeeds you'll be starstruck and the tables will flip when you reach out after enough NC. Your relationship will polarize into a friendship or he'll cut off to work on himself. As a man I can tell you that your lack of reciprocation for his constant compliments and attention is killing him. Not that you should reciprocate, and no one is expected to turn down compliments or discourage them. But he may have easily misunderstand something you say as a breadcrumb, which only prolongs his suffering. This is on him, I'm only giving you a man's perspective (with a lot of assumptions ) he must stand upright, not be held upright.

I hope he gets his sheet together and stops cucking himself. I'm sure you would agree that his behavior can give someone a big head. Again if my assumptions seem incorrect please point them out. Thinking traps are the devil!

All fair points @EyeOnThePrize and I appreciate the discussion. I have cut contact with him and he is always the one who reaches out to me. When he reaches out he is relentless, meaning he finds a way to reach me, via through an unfamiliar number, through a mutual friend, a business contact, etc. We know dozens of mutual social contacts and cutting him completely off is not the best strategy for that reason.

He is both BPD and a narcissist on top of being a playboy and he has no qualms saying outlandish lies to people we both know in order to seek attention. That requires a degree of management on my part. Thus far my reputation is unscathed as people have known him and seen him in action for a long time. Years in many instances. Rather than deal with him hunting me down I simply receive the contact from time to time. It doesn't bother me to do so, it gives him the attention he is wanting, and then I can go about my business doing as I please.

I am well aware of the narcissistic dynamic at play and also well aware of his BPD wounds and triggers. Giving him attention once in a while isn't harming me. If anything it simmers him down (he thinks he is still able to re-engage me etc.) and then he vanishes into silence while he entertains himself with someone else. Meanwhile I go about my life.

When he asserts getting back together I simply hold up my standard. He won't meet that standard, he experiences some wounding and disappointment about that and he goes silent again. Mission accomplished from my perspective without escalation and without him feeling deserted or abandoned or provoked.

Eventually he will find a new woman who he feels is worthy of parading in front of me. Once he does that he will feel he has "won" if you will. That will largely relieve him of this need to try and reel me back in.

In time I will also find myself in a relationship, and this will wound him I am sure, but it will also herald the end in his mind as he will assume physical involvement and so forth (based upon the way in which he conducts himself) and that should perturb him enough that he paints me black for some time and leaves me alone. All this goes on in the background of our interaction. It is sub-context. He thinks he is stringing me along for his own purposes and so forth...I simply play ball enough to let him think that.

That is a long way of saying this will all shake out eventually on its own without disturbing the social ecosystem we both inhabit. I won't be starstruck, lol. Trust me. I'll be pleased.

Having said all that I do truly care for him. I do know and understand deeply much about his life and his circumstances and the psychology at play. He does consider me a confidant and trusted friend already. However. He is incapable of being the man I require as a partner. Therefore it is my goal (where he is concerned) that indeed we end up as friends in time. This won't bother him one bit once he finds someone else he thinks is objectively better than me. And that's fine. Once that happens he will cease trying to locate me on weekends to essentially c0ck block my social life and he will not care (or, well, he will care far less.)

As one of my male friends laughed to me other day "He's the side piece and doesn't even know it." And there's no need to injure or wound his ego. He's in enough pain already that adding to it is not accomplishing anything good, and in fact that detracts from my ability to listen and support him in the areas where he honestly benefits from the support.

Now. IF he were to seriously take on the process of real change, that's another matter. I think there is essentially zero chance of that actually happening, but if I am in error that would be just wonderful. But I'm not holding my breath for an instant. There are too many good men out there without these problems to this degree. I've never seen a smoother liar nor a better deceiver than my ex. And it ain't my first rodeo.

Hard restart. Will pop back in shortly.

 

[BeExcellent]

So apply the filter of the narcissistic/BPD dynamic and you'll see that what I am saying is the case.

And no man worth his salt is going to put up with me having a friendship with this ex BF if I start seriously dating someone. I have no illusions about that. So the relationship will eventually fade entirely from my life as things currently stand.

But there is no need to stir the situation up with drama. Time will solve things in an organic way.

 

[Augustus_McCrae]

So apply the filter of the narcissistic/BPD dynamic and you'll see that what I am saying is the case.

And no man worth his salt is going to put up with me having a friendship with this ex BF if I start seriously dating someone. I have no illusions about that. So the relationship will eventually fade entirely from my life as things currently stand.

But there is no need to stir the situation up with drama. Time will solve things in an organic way.

BE,

Is your goal to eventually be in an LTR for perhaps the rest of your life?

If you haven’t settled into an LTR by the time you are say, 60, do you see any modification of your standards?

Time is an equalizer for all of us, no exception. I just turned 62 and while I look very good for my age and attract many women, there’s no denying that I’m getting older. I’m considering what the rest of my life will look like as I age, realizing that at some Time in the future I won’t be able to live the lifestyle that I have up to this point.

Have you given much thought to how your life might change as you age?

-Augustus-

 

[BeExcellent]

BE,

Is your goal to eventually be in an LTR for perhaps the rest of your life?

If you haven’t settled into an LTR by the time you are say, 60, do you see any modification of your standards?

Time is an equalizer for all of us, no exception. I just turned 62 and while I look very good for my age and attract many women, there’s no denying that I’m getting older. I’m considering what the rest of my life will look like as I age, realizing that at some Time in the future I won’t be able to live the lifestyle that I have up to this point.

Have you given much thought to how your life might change as you age?

-Augustus-

I’ve given it some thought, sure. My life right now is focused on getting my business affairs optimized and preparing financially for my children starting college (my son enters college next fall) and moving my main residence this next summer as well as keeping my clients happy. Dating really is a lower priority. If I meet someone I fancy I’ll spend time with him...if not no worries.

Having said that however I am a social person, I enjoy socializing & the company of my friends and I do get approached frequently by men. I enjoy male companionship no doubt.

If a solid LTR develops in my life that would be a welcome thing. But I am happy alone too so if it doesn’t I’ll still do things I enjoy with people I enjoy and continue to encourage my children & travel etc.

I will never lower my standard in terms of behavior I am willing to accept. I will never lower the bar about my two criteria (Do I desire him sexually and Can he lead me)...Attraction is an individual thing however. Different men are attractive for different reasons. I’m not looking at resources at all, for example, beyond can he carry his own weight financially because I have financial obligations and Im not supporting a grown man.

I’m fit. I’ll be with someone who takes care to be fit like I do.

Essentially my standards are reasonable. I meet men who are up to my standard with enough frequency that I’m not concerned about whether I’m able to meet someone. I’m also not afraid to be alone. So that will sort itself out.

My male friends are all aware of the time thing just you are & we all are. It’s part of the landscape. I trust that the right thing will present itself and align with my life. I’m open to it but not worried about it.

 

[SgtSplacker]

How much "spinning plates" is enough before deciding on a long term relationship course of action?

And how do you avoid discarding potential long term partners in the process of sowing your oats?

Seems like the mindset for a plate spinner and a good partner are at odds, so how does one's mindset change between the two.

Now I know it is going to be hard for a hard core "f-em and leave 'em kind" of guy to begin to comprehend how one woman would enrich their life, so I'd be interested to hear from men who have made the transition from one mindset or are in the transition period.

Let's see if we can keep this discussion MATURE as the subforum is named...

I thought the objective was to find a winner?

 

[2Rocky]

I thought the objective was to find a winner?

If I may be permitted to throw out a metaphor....

First pitch Fastball Swinging , or maybe get deeper in the count waiting to get something closer to the middle of the plate?

When you crank one first pitch for a base hit do you wonder if there could have been one you hit out of the park a little deeper in the count?

TLDR: Fear of Missing Out vs. Fear of not having a deep meaningful partnership...

 

[In2theGame]

As a guy who has been with many Women, I "transitioned" i guess you can say but it took a very long time (5 years) for me to come to a decision on a LTR with the Woman that i'm involved with now. Since I met her (2014) she's been after me even when she knew i was with multiple Women, she was still after me. If i needed her to do something for me she would do it. If i was not feeling well she was there to take care of me. If i told her to do something she would do it and blow off her friends (or other guys) for me. Until last year I still was unsure about me having just one Woman, that was very unsettling to me in my mind since I had gone 9 years without a girlfriend and pretty much have my pick of the type of Woman i wanted to fvck. If i was in the mood for a blonde, I'd go out and meet blondes. If i was in the mood for a petite brunette, I would go out and meet a petite brunette. If I wanted a thick chick, i'd go out and get a thick chick, Big ass big T*ts etc. etc.

What made things turn for me is when i ended up in the hospital last year for about 4 days and although she wasnt my GF, she stood with me and took care of me. That made me think... "Maybe this chick is good for me... I dunno".... Going out partying, drinking, going on multiple dates was wearing my down and also my mind begin focusing more on wealth and business rather than pvssy. So.... i decided to jump back into the LTR pool after being out of it for so long. She's very submissive towards me and so far things have been going well. Sex when i want, as freaky as I want it, cooks breakfast and dinner for me at my requests (steak & eggs), offers to pay for things if i need them, etc. So i have no complaints right now.

It took me years to vet but it worked out. Many other chicks wanted a LTR with me but i really avoided that when they'd ask me to hang out with them at central park or go on walks with them around the city. I just gave them good c0ck and they enjoyed it. I guess the difference here is that my current chick never really tried to "force" me into an LTR and she just showed me that she wanted to be with me by her actions instead? I'm not sure but again, that's how it worked out for me.

Now with all of that said, the Womanizing seductive guy in me is still there lol when my GF and I go out to a bar i flirt with her sexy friends and you know.... seduce them but I dont go farther than that. The thing is my girlfriend knows this is the type of Man i am but i also wouldn't go behind her back or lie about something. She accepts me this way and she actually likes the fact that I tell her which of her friends i think are cute. Maybe I can potentially set something up in the future with my GF and one of her friends. Anyway,.... I would say don't get into an LTR just because but find the girl that makes you feel an LTR is worth getting into and everything should fall into place from there.