Originally posted by Rollo Tomassi
WYLD: I understand your point and I can genuinely sympathize with your experience, but you have to know that the statistics aren't in a man's favor in situations like this. 90%+ of custody settlements end in the woman with sole custody or physical custody in the case of joint visitation and has been so since the 60s, even when the man can provide better financial security for his child.
I know that a lot of women tend to be greedy and selfish. I also know that a lot aren't. Basically, if the man left the woman she's bitter and tries to screw him over. If the woman leaves the man, he's bitter and vengeful. At least in my case, my ex cries and whines about how evil and rotten I am when I'm actually about the easiest person to deal with in this respect there could be. Despite the fact that my ex has not contributed at all financially to the raising of our children (we have 3 kids from a 10 year marriage) and I've never taken him to court to try to collect child support he still whines about how greedy I supposedly am. The fact is...he's just still bitter over me leaving him 11 years ago.
[QUOTE}Also add to this that it is singularly a woman's choice to bear or not to bear a child, even when men want a woman to have the child it is her decision that decides whether she terminates the pregnancy or carries it to term - the man is absolutely powerless in this legally, emotionally and financially. I'm not advocating abortion - if anything men need to be well in charge of their own birthcontrol (i.e.wear a condom) - I'm only illustrating that it is a woman's call in this regard and both parents must bear a lifetime of consequence for HER decision.[/QUOTE]
Our children were conceived and born while we were married. It was actually his idea to start having kids. I was too young and stupid to realize it at the time, but it was his way of trying to make sure I didn't leave him.
No one's accusing you of playing any 'bleeding heart' role, however, you chose to bear not one but 2 children with a man who you and they now despise. Unless your kids are twins, at some point you thought this was a good decision. You are personally responsible for this consequence and limitations that you put on yourself and them. Not a flame, just putting things in perspective.
Rollo, anyone who has paid any attention to what I've posted about my relationship with my ex husband knows that I take full responsibility for the choice I made. I was an idiot, young and had no idea what I was doing or wanted. And I had 3 children in my marriage...now ages 19, 17 and almost 15.
In my internship, I can tell you that the far more common occurance is the reverse for men. Until there is a legal mandate for itemized reciepts for a woman's spending of child support funds, this is going to be the case. I can think of two more men I've counseled that are in the exact reverse of your situation right now. One just got custody of his 2 daughters after 9 years only because her boyfriend was sexually abusing them and supplying her drug habit. He'd made child support payments to directly enable her addiction. He explained to me that when they came to live with him he literally had to buy them beds and clothes because their mother never purchased these for them. Another guy had a child with a woman he'd only had a 3 month relationship with who now makes his decisions for him becasue she knows his financial status (working poor) and threatens to petition for full custody if he wont submit to taking their son whenever she wants to go out or needs other service from him and completely violates their custody settlement. The sad truth is that she could probably do just this since he's financially unable to hire the legal counsel he'd need to fight her in court.
You're talking about a drug addict...not the average divorced mother. As for itemizing child support...let me say this much about what my ex was supposed to pay and what raising my kids actually cost. My ex was only ordered to pay $50 a month for 3 kids combined...not $50 each child. That didn't even cover a week's worth of food for the kids. I'd gladly itemize the cost I incur each week supporting my children with receipts and all if I'm guaranteed half of those costs from my ex. The truth of the matter is this...child support typically doesn't even come close to covering a quarter of the actual cost the custodial parent incurs. For me...3 kids mean 3 bedroom apartment. If it were just me I could rent an efficiency and it would cost about $400 a month. I have to pay around $1000 a month due to the fact that I have those children to house. Should my ex have to pay $300 of the extra rent each month? Two teenage boys eat a lot of food. Two carts of groceries a week usually. Should my ex have to pay another $300-$400 a month in food costs as well? That doesn't even cover the cost of carting them around, buying their clothes, etc. I WISH my kids only cost me what most men have to pay in child support. So...I'm all for itemizing and collecting receipts for how child support is spent providing I get reinbursed for 50% of the expenses of raising the kids that child support DOESN'T cover.
Popular media loves to decry men as Deadbeat Dads, but never do we hear of the statistically much more common manipulative women who control their sperm donors emotionally and financially.
Again...there are a lot of idiots out there who try to hurt each other through their children. A lot of women DO put a price tag on their kids and won't allow visitation if child support isn't paid. That's wrong to do. It's also wrong not to pay child support, too. That situation is typically 6 to one and half a dozen to the other.
It's no better for a man to refuse to help support his child because he is bitter and hates his ex. It's not the kids' fault that the adults can't get along and quite often can't behave like adults. Yes, if the mother has a drug or drinking problem then the father should be seeking custody anyhow. But if she doesn't then it's idiotic for the father to refuse to pay child support just because he thinks the money won't be spent on the children. The custodial parent usually ends up spending twice the amount of child support or more on supporting the child anyhow.
Now, my ex went on a motion filing rampage last summer. Our 16 year old son made it clear that he did not want to see or speak to his father. The boy is over 6 feet tall and wears a size 13-14 shoe. I'm all of 5 foot nothing. If he wanted to see his father, he would see him. My ex accused me of not allowing my son to see him. Yeah, right! lol. He accused me of this AFTER I let our younger son go live with him because that's what our son wanted to try. The ex ended up physically assaulting him and landed his ass in jail after about a year...and my ex only allowed our son to visit twice in that year...TWICE...and they lived an hour away. HE did the very things he kept accusing me of. Oh, then when he found out that I was in Maine with my dying father at a hospital he filed for an emergency hearing to try to get custody of our older son who didn't want to see him. He knew I didn't get notification and where I was...but he didn't say a word. I almost got held in contempt of court over that one. Then of course he filed to have the child support he never even paid to begin with to be lowered. He never showed up to the final hearing on that one, either. He just likes to use the courts to harass me. It's really a shame that he hates me for leaving him more than he loves his children. And now he's paying for it...they all hate him for it. I don't hate him...I pity him.
My ex will rant and cry to anyone who will listen about how I'm the miserable one and all these horrible things he is convinced that I'm doing when the fact is...he's the one who's behaving like an idiot. Twice I smoothed things over for him with our oldest son. Even after he had severely abused me for years. I still tried to get along with him for the sake of the kids. It's impossible to do. He's certifiable.
I have a 5 year old daughter with another man. I asked him to trust me when we went to court and that I would make sure things were fair for him. He did trust me and as a result I insisted on shared custody and rights so his child support would be lower. We only went to court that one initial time and we agreed on everything. If I ever needed anything for her, all I would have to do is ask and he'd be there in a heartbeat to help. In 5 years the only time I asked was when my car was broken down and I needed a gallon of milk for her. He has offered to help many times, but I turn it down.
Clearly my ex has created his own difficulties regarding our divorce...because he's bitter and wants to punish me for leaving him in the only way he can...through our children.
I think it would be a real shame for the starter of this thread to be lured into taking on the attitude of harming his relationship with his child just because some guys on here don't get along with their exes. It sounds like he gets along fairly well with her...and he really should try to keep it that way. Helping out when you can when it benefits your child is good. Doing her laundry, cooking for her or doing things she can do herself or allowing himself to be taken advantage of is bad. Doing something that directly or indirectly helps your child isn't being taken advantaqe of...it's being a good parent.
