How does your upbringing affect your view of women?

[trickynick]

The environment you grew up in and your family dynamics has everything to do with a way a person relates to their enviornment later in life. Any psycologist of any strain would agree with this I am sure. How did yours affect you? Was the effect positive or negative in your opinion? In my case, I believe several factors influenced my view on women as being for the most part self-centered and that "true love" and "soulmates" and related concepts are nothing more than hogwash fed to us as young children to anesthetize us into believing that everything was going to be alright. I also believe that marriage by and large only benefits women and is a mechanism by which they tie down men for their own benefit whether they realize they are doing this or not.

My mother came from a large blue-collar family with 7 kids (2 boys, 5 girls). Her mom was viewed as the most powerful figure in the family, the one who made things happen. In all of the family, only one of those kids (a guy) has not been divorced. My mom has been married four times (my father being the third). My stepfather seems to be the one who is going to last and he went through one marriage prior to this where he lost millions of dollars in a divorce. My dad was only married once and is probably never going to be again. My parents divorced when I was 13 and I noticed that my dad has been much happier ever since and has had many, many girlfriends. He goes through them like Kleenex and loves his life. Almost amn I know now who is married seems not to be too happy. These experiences do not make the prospect of marriage very attractive to me.

What do you think?

------------------
You either own the game or it owns you!

 

[DJintheworks]

my parents divorced when I was 2 and I didn't meet my dad till I was 13. My mother was VERY overprotective of me growing up ( I believe this happened because I am a only child) she taught me not to fight, don't have sex, tried to turn me into a wuss. But Her dad and all of her brothers were all self made mans men. I mean these guys were smooth, yet highly ethical and moral, but could charm the pants off of anyone. So they taught me to think for myself, and to always look ahead. Well I was kinda insecure in the early days not having a dad and having a mom who wouldn't leave me alone. But I just taught myslef to play bball in 7th grade, practiced a bunch, and everyone treated me pretty good through high school which gave me time to get my self esteem caught up to par (I just noticed how some people were always getting picked on and never really developed). My dad has been married four times (some younger lookers) and his general words of advice are "son when your about 24 some chick is going to come along and try to talk you into having a life with her, if you don't say no, its going to cost you a lot of money".
Well to make a long story short, My mom tried her best and didnt know any better but almost raised a walking v@gina (and I am still on the conservative and moral side because of it, which isnt neccesarily bad) but once I graduated from high school I realized I couldnt pull chicks just by being good at sports. So since I wasnt playing any college ball I hadnt to make some changes (with girls and life as a whole). and Id say thats why I am here.

 

[bartender]

This is my situation: I didn't know parents fvcked to make children till I was 12! There was no man-woman talk at home. I'm 24 and there still is no sextalk. I had to learn everything with the things I tried on girls.


I know what you mean about not being that enthousiastic about marriage. If all you see are bad things you end up thinking marriage is not good. I live with my brother and my sister-in-law and they fight like almost every day . My other brother's wife tries my brother out all the time with her bullsh1t behaviour and mom gets sick of her because she treats everyone with disrespect (except me.) That makes me not eager to get married. So I know what you mean... in a way. I say lets try live our lives first till we find the ideal woman for ourselves (am sceptical about her existence though.) Oh and it seems like mom had not much of a choice when she married dad. She only says "I didn't love (also didn't hate him) your father at the time we got married." ???

I would like to say however that I think we have the right tools in case we ever get married (we= not you and me.)

[This message has been edited by bartender (edited 01-30-2002).]

 

[Powertrip]

Interesting Nick.. I tend to believe (from what I've seen) that the ones who are raised in the unhappy, unstable family/marriage situation are more likely to strive for a long lasting one. At least that is true in my family for the most part. My parents are divorcing after 28 years, and I've already been divorced.

I, for the most part, think that marriage is a tool used by women to benefit themselves, and in a former world (pre-60's) I think it worked very well. Most women couldnt do things on their own, and society wasnt kind to those who tried. The only way they could become anything was to have a man behind them (there are the occasional break-outs, but I'm speaking more of the mentality of the times than anything). Women took care of the house & kids, the men went to work and made money. Simple. This is how it worked for my grandparents.

Now it's about two-income families, nannies, SUV's and the status-quo. Marriage nowadays isnt what it used to be, but the reasons for doing so are apparently the same. It's unfair that it is still used for leverage when none is needed.

That being said, I dont think the institution of marriage is a bad thing. If you want kids, I think the balance that a happy union brings is a definite positive. Spending all of your time with the woman that celebrates your flaws and rejoices in your triumphs can be a good thing, and quite possibly I may go down this road again someday if "the one" comes along. But it won't be because of money, an unplanned pregnancy, peer-pressure, or lethargy.

-Chris

 

[counterspy]

Let me cut and paste part of what I said in another topic:

"In my case, I did have a family, but growing up within it left me vastly unprepared for these matters. For instance, my parents were goddamn hypocrites. I was brainwashed, more by intimidation by father and grief by mother, to believe that sex was, *gasp*, bad! So, then, how the hell could I make sense of that when my dad had one large porno collection and the parents often weren't very tactful of how and where they chose to hit it. Of course, as a kid, having that drilled into me caused me to associate even liking a girl as bad, (not like I could explain the biology behind it) but the whole thing made it totally uncomfortable to ask anybody anything pertaining to dating/women/sex, etc. So I learned what I did haphazardly, thru observing friends, porn, and some reading. A lot of good that really does, eh?"

This, of course, affected me very negatively. Sextalk did/does not exist, but yet wayyy early on I knew where babies came from. Needless to say, I only learned how NOT to have a family.

 

[Borknagar]

I think it could be, like myself, I have a pretty bad view of chicks.

And my family is pretty messed up, I was raised by my moms side most of my life and their isn't a happy married couple in it(well, my sisters marrage prolly is though, but this is recent and shes younger, so no influence on me) and my mom is a back stabbing worthless peice of **** ***** that needs a ass kicking(for good reason, shes ripped me off recently of thousands of dollars, plus never gave a **** about any of her kids, and is a lying peice of trash, and nots not the end of it) but other then her most females in the family have been pretty decent, but theres been alot of unstable relkationships and its probably infuenced me I just don't realise it.

 

[DoneWithSluts]

I grew up having my older brother (by six years) the biggest influence on me. He inadvertantly taught me to view women as sex objects early on. But as I started getting into my own 'relationships' around age 13, I started to become more sensitive towards them -- thus discovering my AFC traits

.

Then I started hanging with the wrong people in high school and, coupled with hormones at that age, returned to viewing women as sex objects well into the college years. Now I am 27 and back to AFC-niceness again but it seems the cycle will continue and that scares me.

I wish my parents would have been there to teach me more about respect and traditional values. They are still married though but dont seem very happy. They were very hard-working blue-collar parents so its hard to blame them.

I have had many relationships from 3 weeks to 3 years and, if I could, I would want to do each of them over again. But hey, who doesnt? Overall I would say that it all had a negative effect on me and thats sad because it all seemed so normal in retrospect.

 

[Jester]

whoa hehe, some of you guys are my pasts future. Fortunately, this site blocked me from doing down that road at the age of 16.


Alrighty.

My parents divorced when i was 6, i cant recall them ever being that happy(from what i gather it was because my dad had to travel a lot for work). I have never heard the word "sex" come out of either of my parents mouths, not once. My dad never taught me or my brother anything about girls and my mom just cluttered my mind with how girls would be chasing me when i got older(when i was young, this prospect seemed a bit frightening to me). Now that i think about it, thats probably reason i never pursued girls untill very recently, my fooking mom raised me like a girl. Thankfully, i was good at making friends when i was little, and their influence helped counter what my mom was trying to pound into me.

after this it gets pretty sad and i doubt anyone here has had the same experience so im not going to go any further.

 

[trickynick]

Everyone else seems to be addressing the issue of their parents' openness about sex whereas I did not in the original post. Anyway, my family has always been very open about the whole issue. I asked my mom the question about where do babies come from out of the blue when I was 5 years old and got a straight answer from her no sweat. I actually still remember the conversation.

My dad did not really open up too much about the subject of sex while he and my mom were still married. I don't remember this but my mom told me that when I was seven I asked her what a blow job was and my dad got up and left the room while my mom stayed and actually told me. After the divorce when I was 13 it was pretty much game on. Past that point it was hard to get my dad to talk about much else but sex and all the women he was banging. It actually made me jealous in high school that my dad got so much more ass than me and was so open about it.

------------------
You either own the game or it owns you!

 

[Powertrip]

In regards to the sex & family thing.. my parents werent very open about it (come to think of it, my family wasnt open about ANYTHING) and my Mom could always find a way to sidestep a question (so I just stopped asking them at around 6 years old). It's a trait I've adapted for my own use, but I realize it is important to be straight-forward with your kids. I ended up marrying a porn-star, so that should tell you something.

 

[Don the Legend]

Great Thread TrickyNicky,

My story:

My parents are still married. I grew up in a feminized family. I have 3 sisters that pretty much dominated the family while I sat in the background. I was the youngest. I never heard my parents tell me anything about sex. Like everyone else already posted, sex was bad. My family is pretty religious and that is why they felt sex was so terrible. I never seen my father even kiss my mother until recently. Anything relating to sex on tv was turned off. You wonder why I am on this website?

Well as I grew up very shy. I never had the life as some of my friends. I had to learn about sex through them. I didn't start having success until reading some helpful books (like Louis and Copeland) and then finding this site.

I think my upbringing hurt me in the ladies department. I had no mentor. I had no one to discuss anything with. I know that if I ever get married and have a family, I will definitely tell my son evertything about sex. I wouldn't want to handicap him like I was. I am still trying to get rid of my shyness and insecurties as we speak. I am getting better. But 30 years of it, does some damage.

Legend

 

[Nightwing]

Originally posted by Don the Legend:
Great Thread TrickyNicky,

My story:

My parents are still married. I grew up in a feminized family. I have 3 sisters that pretty much dominated the family while I sat in the background. I was the youngest. I never heard my parents tell me anything about sex. Like everyone else already posted, sex was bad. My family is pretty religious and that is why they felt sex was so terrible. I never seen my father even kiss my mother until recently. Anything relating to sex on tv was turned off. You wonder why I am on this website?

Well as I grew up very shy. I never had the life as some of my friends. I had to learn about sex through them. I didn't start having success until reading some helpful books (like Louis and Copeland) and then finding this site.

I think my upbringing hurt me in the ladies department. I had no mentor. I had no one to discuss anything with. I know that if I ever get married and have a family, I will definitely tell my son evertything about sex. I wouldn't want to handicap him like I was. I am still trying to get rid of my shyness and insecurties as we speak. I am getting better. But 30 years of it, does some damage.

Legend

Well damn DTL, if you didnt state that you had 3 sisters, I couldve sworn you were telling my life story.

 

[Nightwing]

Even though I grew up with both my mom and dad being in the house, my dad was (and still is)a pure AFC to his heart. I never learned anything about women and relationships from him, and he spent more time on talking on his radio (he's a Ham radio operator) than he did me and my sister. Growing up, I remember how my mom used to verbally abuse my dad in front of my sister and me, and I know it really embarrassed him, but he would never stand up for himself. He was basically a "jump--how high??" type of guy and as I got older, I realized how many AFC traits I learned from him. I can also remember how I used to get beat up in school and how when I'd ask him what to do about it, his reply was, "Just let them hit you."
My mother on the other hand was the one who taught me how to treat women, in other words, how to play myself out. Her whole perspective about men was that they were "dogs" and "out after one thing", which is what I heard her tell my sister all the time, so I tried to never be like that. I remember in my teens how guilty I used to feel thinking about things like sex, because I felt like I was being everything that my mom told me that was "bad". And when I started dating, she told me up front that she didnt want me to date because I would be going wild out there and will be coming out at 5 and 6 in the morning. Ironically, it was my sister that had sex at the age of 16, and had more than her share of sexual experiences with guys, drank, tried drugs, and when she didnt come back at curfew, it was my mom and dad that went out looking for her. For myself, I always made it in at curfew and if I was coming a little late, I would always call. I never did anything that I wasnt supposed to be doing--I did things by the book. When I brought this up to my mom, later on in life her reply is usually, "I never remember telling you those things". And she gets kind of upset whenever I mentions it. Now my sister has 2 kids by a no good guy and struggling her ass off and I'm working on my Master's degree, own a home, and following the advice that I get off this site. Man, now that I think about it, if my dad had a fraction of a backbone, me or my sister wouldnt be born.

 

[Kid Quick]

My mom said a few years ago that I was outgoing and confident until around 4-5, then it changed, and she didn't know how that happened. While I have great parents I wish they would have helped me in this area as a child as I felt hopeless to change it. I never felt comfortable around girls and became very shy in my youth. I finally realized a few years ago that I was the only one who could take charge, overcome my problems, and make my own happiness. I started dating more, relatively speaking, though I made a lot of major errors that I allowed to drag me down.

Several months ago I decided that I wanted to have more consistent success in my dating, but I had trouble shedding the nice guy image. I typed "gentleman without being a nice guy" into a search engine, and found this site. I snickered at it at first, thinking it was going to be simply another NLP site, but I was proven wrong. I've been dating more recently, and while I'm still making nice guy mistakes I'm improving. Soon the nice guy will be gone forever and replaced by the great guy.

 

[trickynick]

I am seeing a lot of people complaining that their parents never talked to them about sex. I must say that I don't really know if I was at much of an advantage because my parents did. My mom never really gave me any good advice on how to get chicks until I grew up and learned what questions I had to ask to get useful information from women on this subject. My mom told me since I was a young child that I was the undisputed best thing in the world, any woman who did not realize that was completely stupid, and nothing I did could ever be wrong at all so I could just keep doing whatever I want and women would think I was great. This kind of had a warped effect on me.

------------------
You either own the game or it owns you!

 

[Don the Legend]

Originally posted by Nightwing:
Well damn DTL, if you didnt state that you had 3 sisters, I couldve sworn you were telling my life story.

Hey Nightwing,

I read your story also. We do have similiar upbringings. All I can say is it is better to find the truth in life later than never at all. I hope our younger DJ's really take heed of the advice that is given and go out DJing while they are young. Man the opportunities if I had this when I was younger.......................

Take Care Bud,

Legend

 

[trickynick]

BUMP

 

[Alucard]

Jester, eerily similar to me, dude. My mom always said, "you'll have to beat the girls off with a stick when you're 18". Wasn't the best way to motivate me to actually go out and MEET girls. Sheesh.

------------------
I was cured all right!

 

[Turner Ohvur]

Great topic, very very interesting.

Let me tell you about my dad. If he were still alive, all my chick problems would be solved, cuz I'd have a Master Don Juan in my corner twenty-four-seven. He was one of those guys who people were naturally drawn to. At family gatherings, or work-related dinners, or parties...it was usually him talking, and everyone else fascinated. Animal attraction.

I was a DJ when I was 5. Within the first week of Kindergarten, one girl asked to see my underwear. So I showed her. Then about three or four others asked to see. So I showed. I played doctor a lot. Good times.

But, I lost my dad to cancer when I was 12, just before chicks really became a concern of mine. So it was just me and my mom.

My mom means well, and she's a good mom. But she is a woman, and of course could not help but to brainwash me with AFC crap. I hadn't had any real male role models since, so I had no one to really help me out with women.

I had sporadic dates all throughout teen years (im 18 btw), but always lame, no kino, and almost always ended in LJBF. My mom is a nag, and always bothered me with "you should have a girlfriend...when are you gonna meet a nice girl?" Thus blowing up the importance of women in my life to disproportion, and increasing my AFCism. Before I had a car I'd ask to borrow hers, which means she pretty much always knew when I had a date.

My mom used to ask me "did you open the door for her? did you take her coat? did you tell her she looked nice? did you call her this morning?" and like a good little AFC son my answer was always yes.

I then visited the Maniac High site about a year ago, and got a shred of a clue. Then one time my mom asked me all of the aforementioned post-date questions, and I answered "no" to all of them and she was utterly disgusted with me. The clincher was "did you pay?" and I said no.

Then she said "what sort of a date was that? how do you even know this girl is interested at all?"

I said "Do you want the honest answer or no answer?"

She didn't say anything after that. That's basically how it is now with my mom. She grills me about this stuff, and occasionally, when I'm careless, I might say something that has DJ significance and of course every time it offends her.

I'm paving the way for my son (who won't exist for a VERY VERY VERY long time), so he won't have to deal with all the personal pioneering I'm going through. I think every boy deserves to be raised with DJism, so it's natural to him and he doesn't have to fight against years of conditioning like I am.



------------------
"...the better to seduce you with..."
Tao of Steve

"Power is only vouchsafed for those daring enough to bend down and pick it up. There is but one thing we need; indeed only one thing: to dare."
Fyodor Dostoevsky

 

[TheRockStar]

hmmmmm well let me think my dad and mom i think lost the spark of their relationship a long time ago they fight often but im not sure i think my mom has impacted my view of women very negatively because she is a nag and talks all the fvcking time and she always has to yell when she gets the least bit upset however i have always been a free thinker and i realise certain traits that i believe to be harmful to a healthy interaction with women and change them i and i know i will end up very happy with my wife and any girl i date because i for some reason probably all the different experiences in my life and things i experienced at a very early age i somehow ended up very different from anyone in my family i think dealing with death at a very early age and having noone to turn to, to explain everything and tell me it would be ok matured me beyond my years. however im sure my parents love each other but my mom is a dirty fighter she cusses, yells, talks about divorce when my brother and i are out of the house she but i am old enough to where i dont really care anymore and am secure in the fact that i will end up different and happy in my life and with the girl i meet. so i think its just all about being wise and objective enough to realize the negative impact your parents had and working to correct them so you end up with a life you are happy in.

------------------
Got a drum life?

"No little perv bull**** is gonna work with this one, you gotta play it smooth, be Don Juan de la Nootch"- Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.