--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As some of you know or may be not, I was born in Russia and left the country when I was 14 years old. When I was in Russian school, there was a girl in my class that I started to like. Back then I was very shy and paranoid. I was bullied and beat up on a lot and was afraid of everybody, so coming to her and telling her that I like her was completely out of the question. Imagine a Russian version of McFly from Back to the Future, that was me only amplified.
After living here in States since '92, I have finished high school, grew up and moved on. I have no girlfriend and have never been involved with anyone in any way, let alone a serious one. Yeah, I am here to admit it, I have no game.
That isn't the point of this thread though. Once when I was bored, I began wondering what happened to all those people I have last seen in summer of 1991. I still remembered Anya's smile (that was the girl I liked). It was sweet and charming and you would give a world to have her smile like that again and again. I found www.odnoklassniki.ru, a Russian version of classmates.com and started looking for some people. I found this guy and that guy and lo and behold. I found Anya.
I expected, of course, all of my former classmates to be different from how I left them. But it was truly shocking to see how different they were. Almost every single one of them was a husband/wife and a father/mother. Anya was no exception. She was married and one picture of her showed a very happy mom with a 4 year old girl (or roughly that age) and a 1 year old boy.
I was so moved by that pic and by the general fact that she is happy with that man that she loves and she has two children by him and she is just happy that I started crying. I was insanely happy for her. Did I mention that she still has that charming smile that made me weak in my knees and still does?
I think about 13 year old Anya, some things she did, a corner she ran by here, stair she went up there. I keep replaying how she would turn around talking to someone with that bright smile of hers. I keep hearing some of her words. I keep replaying and replaying all those moments millions and millions of times. That guy she is with, I wanted and want to be him.
I imagined how she grew up, how she went out with a couple of guys, how she found THE ONE guy to whom she gave her soul on a wedding day and a body on a wedding night, how she probably cried when handed her first new born, how she does all these different things and the fact that I was absolutely no part in that what so ever made me
again.
The emotional side of me longs for her.
The rational side tells me that it's a dead end. Now that she is married and with kids, we aren't no will we ever be together as anything, let along a couple of two people deeply in love. Even if she wasn't taken, the fact is, even though we don't live on different planets, we might as well have. Even if I returned to Russia, would our relationship seriously have lasted if the "glue" for it is "hey remember I liked you a lot when you had no tits and I had no pubes"?
I need to move on, but I don't know how. Just about ****ing everything reminds me of her. Today I had a short temporary assignment at JCPenney and sure enough, my coworker's name was Elsa. Elsa was Anya's dog that I saw her play with (remember all those moments I keep replaying in my head).
I don't want to forget her, I want to come in terms that yes I, Akus, have feelings for her, but she moved up and moved on and she is a goner. I need to move on, too and find some other girl to like.
I named this thread "How do you let go the past regrets?" because I felt that I have squandered many opportunities in my youth. I am 31 now, by no means am I a senior citizen, but I am only now learning about mating, dating and whatever else what most people have learned in their twenties and teens. I was a ****ed up kid and did a lot of ****ed up things. I could have been a better student and just overall a cooler guy back then and may be even could have gotten with her romantically. No sex or nothing, I mean come on, we were only 13 at the time. So Anya was one of those opportunities I missed out on and now will never ever make up because she has moved on.
How do I move on? How do I not let what-might-have-beens run my thinking 24 hours a day. I swear to God, every time I think of her, which could be triggered by anything at all, the regrets are eating me raw.
I have made peace over other girls that I loved enough to kiss the ground they walked on damn near literally. But this one is different. This has to do with Russia and my past there. She is a piece of my childhood, which, while far from picture perfect for many reasons, was still, in many ways, innocent and sunny and childlike and . And that piece being gone is another reason I sometimes cry. Imagine the real life Wonder Years, only Anya, unlike Winnie Cooper, would not look at me or talk to me or let me talk to her without some kind of a gross out disgust.
Please help me escape.
PS. I will gladly answer any questions if you feel important details are missing.
As some of you know or may be not, I was born in Russia and left the country when I was 14 years old. When I was in Russian school, there was a girl in my class that I started to like. Back then I was very shy and paranoid. I was bullied and beat up on a lot and was afraid of everybody, so coming to her and telling her that I like her was completely out of the question. Imagine a Russian version of McFly from Back to the Future, that was me only amplified.
After living here in States since '92, I have finished high school, grew up and moved on. I have no girlfriend and have never been involved with anyone in any way, let alone a serious one. Yeah, I am here to admit it, I have no game.
That isn't the point of this thread though. Once when I was bored, I began wondering what happened to all those people I have last seen in summer of 1991. I still remembered Anya's smile (that was the girl I liked). It was sweet and charming and you would give a world to have her smile like that again and again. I found www.odnoklassniki.ru, a Russian version of classmates.com and started looking for some people. I found this guy and that guy and lo and behold. I found Anya.
I expected, of course, all of my former classmates to be different from how I left them. But it was truly shocking to see how different they were. Almost every single one of them was a husband/wife and a father/mother. Anya was no exception. She was married and one picture of her showed a very happy mom with a 4 year old girl (or roughly that age) and a 1 year old boy.
I was so moved by that pic and by the general fact that she is happy with that man that she loves and she has two children by him and she is just happy that I started crying. I was insanely happy for her. Did I mention that she still has that charming smile that made me weak in my knees and still does?
I think about 13 year old Anya, some things she did, a corner she ran by here, stair she went up there. I keep replaying how she would turn around talking to someone with that bright smile of hers. I keep hearing some of her words. I keep replaying and replaying all those moments millions and millions of times. That guy she is with, I wanted and want to be him.
I imagined how she grew up, how she went out with a couple of guys, how she found THE ONE guy to whom she gave her soul on a wedding day and a body on a wedding night, how she probably cried when handed her first new born, how she does all these different things and the fact that I was absolutely no part in that what so ever made me
again.The emotional side of me longs for her.
The rational side tells me that it's a dead end. Now that she is married and with kids, we aren't no will we ever be together as anything, let along a couple of two people deeply in love. Even if she wasn't taken, the fact is, even though we don't live on different planets, we might as well have. Even if I returned to Russia, would our relationship seriously have lasted if the "glue" for it is "hey remember I liked you a lot when you had no tits and I had no pubes"?
I need to move on, but I don't know how. Just about ****ing everything reminds me of her. Today I had a short temporary assignment at JCPenney and sure enough, my coworker's name was Elsa. Elsa was Anya's dog that I saw her play with (remember all those moments I keep replaying in my head).
I don't want to forget her, I want to come in terms that yes I, Akus, have feelings for her, but she moved up and moved on and she is a goner. I need to move on, too and find some other girl to like.
I named this thread "How do you let go the past regrets?" because I felt that I have squandered many opportunities in my youth. I am 31 now, by no means am I a senior citizen, but I am only now learning about mating, dating and whatever else what most people have learned in their twenties and teens. I was a ****ed up kid and did a lot of ****ed up things. I could have been a better student and just overall a cooler guy back then and may be even could have gotten with her romantically. No sex or nothing, I mean come on, we were only 13 at the time. So Anya was one of those opportunities I missed out on and now will never ever make up because she has moved on.
How do I move on? How do I not let what-might-have-beens run my thinking 24 hours a day. I swear to God, every time I think of her, which could be triggered by anything at all, the regrets are eating me raw.
I have made peace over other girls that I loved enough to kiss the ground they walked on damn near literally. But this one is different. This has to do with Russia and my past there. She is a piece of my childhood, which, while far from picture perfect for many reasons, was still, in many ways, innocent and sunny and childlike and
. And that piece being gone is another reason I sometimes cry. Imagine the real life Wonder Years, only Anya, unlike Winnie Cooper, would not look at me or talk to me or let me talk to her without some kind of a gross out disgust.Please help me escape.
PS. I will gladly answer any questions if you feel important details are missing.