How do you get over a girl you were REALLY in love with?

[Solomon79]

Look everyone, I know I'm probably going to get some ridicule for posting this, so if people don't have anything helpful to say, please don't bother!

I think people here must agree that being in love is not an AFC thing. Or is it? I don't know. Whatever. Whether it is or it isn't, I have been deeply in love with this girl, she was very special to me, and I can't imagine meeting anyone who I will feel in quite the same way for ever again. I just can't see it.

The trouble is, because I feel this way, I get this sense of being up against a brick wall. This girl was EVERYTHING I'd ever wanted, she was beautiful in every way, inside and out - and I lost her. This was at college...now I'm working, the prospect of meeting someone anywhere NEAR as good as her seems to be extremely remote. It's not that I'm looking down on other girls. This was the girl of my dreams, and please don't give me s.hit for that, because I am not clueless. The feelings were reciprocated on her part.

Now, I'm left with this demotivated feeling of wondering what the he.ll to aim for in life. I've always wanted to have children, but not with somebody who I don't love and care for above ther rest. And I've met that person, and lost her. So what now?

I mean, what Pook says is fair enough, and it does apply to 95% of situations - that you should have a life beyond women - they are only there to enhance it, not BE it. But that only goes so far. I have no intention of getting married and having children with just ANYONE, simply because I have a life outside of the relationship.

This is what I mean. I'm not getting any younger. I'm still only 24, but I have this sense that I've met the girl I wanted, and lost her. So now what do I do? I'm not somebody who's been waiting for a magic wand to wave, and then everything will be all right - I'm always on the move, I'm multi-talented etc. etc. - I'm always trying out new things, exploring possibilities and developing new skills. BUT you get to a certain point where you ALWAYS end up getting to that brick wall again. How do you get over it?

 

[DonJuanApprentice]

ok, i've read alot of these forums, I remember something about how a relationship is only as valuable as the time and effort you put into it, they realted it to a slot machine or something, anyway, most guys I've met are not in love with the girl that they broke up with, they are in love with the IDEA of love. You just remember the good times, and if there WERE only good times, then it's probably HER problem. In any case, there is better out there, always is, always will be. You just gotta be out there and get the numbers in your favor (I try 30 women a night) Try making a list of ALL the things you want in a girl, and all the things that girl would expect of of HER ideal man. If all that is perfect, then things weren't meant to be. I mean, you're not with her, so SOMETHING'S amiss. Oh yeah, and a wise man once said, ANYTHING YOU WORSHIP WILL EVENTUALLY CONTROL YOU! NEVER let a woman become your world. It's called YOUR world for a reason. There HAVE to be boundaries, or else she can't respect you.

 

[MetalFortress]

To ad to what DJA said, also remember that there are around 3.5 billion females in the world. That's a lot of women, and although it may seem like "the one" slipped through your hands, there is no way that the rest of the 3,499,999,999 or so do not have the potential to be "the one". Remember that is a woman truly is "the one", she will see you as her "the one" too.

 

[Donjuanpablo]

Dude you're 24 for christs sake, you're life has just started, why are you worrying about the love of your life right now? Loosen up, there's no reason to start thinking about having a family with someone you don't love at this age. There's PLENTY of time and women in front of you, I wouldn't get all worried at this stage.

 

[DavenJuan]

i feel u solomon. im in the same situation w/ my ex of 6yrs. Im only 22 and i thought that i lost the "one" too. I wanted a family wih he and maybe marriage, but i didnt want it right now, and she didnt want to wait.

What has helped me is just having "faith". Believe that whatever happens is for the better and meant to be. If so, then she will come back around, maybe after you two work out the "quirks" that broke u guys up in the first place. Maybe you guys need to explore new and different things. Remember, this is a good thing.

 

[Solomon79]

Cheers guys. I think I should clarify that things started towards the end of college. She's quite a religious girl as well, and I think she didn't want to get too close when I wasn't going to be at uni the following year - long distance relationships being the crappy thing they are. That's why she changed her mind. Also some other stuff that I don't know about. But as I said, she did feel strongly about me as well, it wasn't a one way thing. It's just that the whole thing was **** and got me down a lot.

I've met LOADS of women and she's the best girl I've met in my whole life so far - by MILES. I'm not pedestalising her - if any of you guys met her, many of you would be very impressed indeed. She really was quality, that's why it got me down so much.

 

[iqqi]

Solomon, it's always hard to lose someone you loved. And it is depressing as hell to be thrown back into the dating pool, as you compare all the other prospects to your former love. But in time, she will not rule your heart, and your love for her will not be such a dominant influence on you. As time passes, I guarantee you will find someone(s) else who is able to hold such a place in your heart as she did.

This is a lame ass comparison, but it will do. It's kind of like losing your appetite for food. You feel like nothing tastes good anymore! And this could last for months. One day, though, you will wake up, and your appetite will have returned. Its the same thing with love.

You just don't have an appetite, and thats cool. It won't last forever. Don't panic, don't jump off any buildings, and don't force yourself to have an appetite. It will return on its own. You live, you learn. You love, you learn.

Hope this helps...

 

[DonJuanApprentice]

another quote I remember: Even if you think a woman is a TEN, at least 5 other guys in the room think she's ugly as ****! If you were more specific abotu how it ended, that might be able to explain WHY is ended. But I think the best way to deal with this is move on and if she comes back, make it on YOUR grounds. The long distance thing never really works if both people can't be faithful. The best things in life are worht waiting for. What if tomorrow you meet a woman JUST like her. I'm talking TWIN, AND she acts the same way with the same feeling interests as the last girl, NOW imagine this woman has no gag reflex. THERE, I just found a woman BETTER than your last. And believe me, they ARE out there, and it WILL happen when you least expect it.

 

[TesuqueRed]

Is "one-itis" spelled with a capital "O" or just a capital "O" for everyone who has one? I forget...

Sorry dude...

ha! Like hell I am! I've had 5-10 QUALITY one-itis chicks that I can remember at the moment! I can't count those I've forgot about....

It sucks. It always does. It doesn't get easier, you just learn not to fvck yourself by setting it up like that (yet again..

You'll have to fight thru it. You've got no other choice in the end. Actually--time and distance will do it. Just be aware that usually what causes you to forget about her is to meet someone new who-- <sigh> --becomes her when you're not looking: you're new "quality" one-itis girl.

The real issue is that you will have a pattern going here and will have to kill it dead.
__________________
Anyway, something else...

I believe you when you say that if I met her, I would see how quality she is---

But notice this: you're about to graduate and move off, so she is exiting the relationship. She'll be heartbroken, she'll cry, she'll send you cards and e-mails and call for awhile--

--but make no mistake, she's looking ahead and has decided that this relationship will end, scheduled the ending of it, scheduled the time she'll be broken-hearted over it and is already getting herself out there (w/o you knowing about it) checking out potential new BFs in prep for when she can get involved again. In short--you are being handled with the same fore-sight that she'll handle interviewing and getting her first professional job once she graduates.

 

[MDgood]

Very simple: start meeting other women. Swear to God, soon enough you'll meet somebody who makes you forget about this chick.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Originally posted by MDgood
Very simple: start meeting other women. Swear to God, soon enough you'll meet somebody who makes you forget about this chick.

Yep, get out there and find a better model. You'll surprise yourself which how well it can turn out.

 

[Solomon79]

Thanks guys for all your advice.

But there's this one thing...

'...make no mistake, she's looking ahead and has decided that this relationship will end, scheduled the ending of it, scheduled the time she'll be broken-hearted over it and is already getting herself out there (w/o you knowing about it) checking out potential new BFs in prep for when she can get involved again. In short--you are being handled with the same fore-sight that she'll handle interviewing and getting her first professional job once she graduates...'

Probably true, and one of the most distressing things about the whole scenario. I'm not sure I can ever get that close to a girl ever again, knowing that they are so capable of moving on. Like some other recent posts, they expect everything from the man, in return for very little, when they don't seem to REALLY care about him anyway.

I've been trying to think my way out of that one, but to no avail. I just can't see myself forming that sort of emotional bond ever again. It's like it's killed something inside of me and I'll never be the same (I know that sounds cheesy as hell, but you get the picture). The thing is, I can see myself making this same mistake again. But if this happens again it'll kill me. The whole thing knocked the stuffing out of me, while she's off looking for the next guy who she won't really care about. I appreciate your comments, but it's an uphill struggle, moving on.

The alternative seems to be finding somebody who I don't care about that much, so I don't get too attached, but what's the point?

 

[Slickster]

Originally posted by Solomon79
I've been trying to think my way out of that one, but to no avail. I just can't see myself forming that sort of emotional bond ever again. It's like it's killed something inside of me and I'll never be the same (I know that sounds cheesy as hell, but you get the picture). The thing is, I can see myself making this same mistake again. But if this happens again it'll kill me. The whole thing knocked the stuffing out of me, while she's off looking for the next guy who she won't really care about. I appreciate your comments, but it's an uphill struggle, moving on.

The alternative seems to be finding somebody who I don't care about that much, so I don't get too attached, but what's the point?

You are young and will have others you care about. You may be right about never feeling those "love" feelings again. I believe there will be a time in many men's lives when they begin to question whether "love" is real. Many think its a fantasy. You seem like you are at this stage. It seems to happen when you get burned by women. I went through all this too and I still don't know if I'll ever feel it again. Sad?..... maybe, realistic?.....probably.

Should you forget her?.....yes. Should you search for someone else?.....of course.

Hey, you never know what you'll find. You may run into the new girl of your dreams tomorrow but won't even realize it cuz you're still hung up on your ex.

Time man, its going to take time and many women to help you forget. That doesn't sound too bad does it? You'll be amazed how your views of your ex will change over time.

You WILL find happiness again.

 

[BobbDobbs]

How do you get over someone you loved and lost?

Time.

 

[bugsquish]

I broke up with my 4-year-ex Emma last year (man I'm sick of typing that). Almost straight away I met what should have been the girl of my dreams, but I lost out on that cuz I was too focused on comparing her to the bond I had with Emma. Very unproductive. So simply getting someone else may not be enough. You need to stop seeing your ex in the process.

I can now hang out with my ex and deal with it, but only because I a)deliberately went long periods of time without seeing her and b)know that no DJ needs to be with any one woman, oh and c)I got a new girlfriend.

Yes I'd take her back in a second but I don't need her. I think this quote from Quick from another thread says it all.

Originally posted by Quick
If you really have the DJ attitude and realize that there is no such thing as soul mates or any of that crap, can you ever really be in "love"? Part of the mantra of being a DJ is that any woman can be replaced with another woman, and we train ourselves out of thinking of any particular woman as really special or irreplacable.

One thing that you have to realize before we get into this discussion is that you will never love anyone like you did your first time. The first time you did it wholeheartedly, holding nothing back, without a true concept of the repercussions of loving somebody so deeply. The repercussions being that the more you love, the more you get hurt when it's over. Regardless of if people become DJs or not, memory of the pain prevents you from ever loving like you first did. If you live life trying to recreate your first love, you'll be eternally unhappy.

Becoming a DJ is to be stripped of your illusions, and maybe some people don't really want that. I'm sure lots of people would happily take the blue pill. We are with girls for sex, companionship, to procreate and raise a family, instints... The same reasons animals mate, not for some mythical reason called love. The second we truly realize and believe that all girls are replaceable, we lose one of the ingredients in the love potion. We can still feel affection and attachment, but I fear there will always be a part of me denied to future girls.

It makes me pause for a second. Are we doing the right thing here, to deny ourselves the mythical but euphoric world of love? How are the rules of being a DJ any different than other systems and plans that are designed to stop us from being hurt again? That's the underneath purpose of our campaign against one-itis and focus on getting rid of uncompliant girls. We don't develop too much attachment to any one girl, and get rid of troublesome girls because we don't want to be hurt anymore. We want all of the control. As the saying goes, "he who cares the least, wins". Well, i've destroyed the illusion of love, and feel incapable of getting really hurt again, because i'm incapable of caring enough again. I guess I win....

My opinion of "in love" is that it's not all pure, but contains elements of laziness and insecurity:

My definition of IN LOVE

1)Sexual attraction
2)Companionship (friendship?)
3)Infatuation (obsession?)
4)Possessiveness (jealousy?)
5)Inadequacy (thinking you can't do any better)
6)Complacency (thinking you don't HAVE to do any better)

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Originally posted by BobbDobbs
How do you get over someone you loved and lost?

Time.

It's more than just time, it's what you do during that time that matters.