Originally posted by VeryBadGirl:
Unfortunately, there are some women (and men) who will cheat no matter what. It doesn't matter if their current signifigant other is near perfect, they are still not satisfied.
I agree.
These are the type of people who are not meant for LTR's at all.
I used to think this, too. Now, I think it depends on your definition of LTR and your ideals. I know people who have great long-term relationships and have sex on the side, some are "open" relationships, some are "politely open - don't ask, don't tell" relationships. Much different concepts of relationships than you would think. And, they are not weird people, they are normal, well adjusted. They just are realistic about the chances of monogamy. You really think a husband (or wife) is going to be completely faithful to you for the next 50 years??? That is a joke!
Originally posted by VeryBadGirl:
But, these people are often really easy to spot - a history of cheating and disloyalty (to friends as well as signifigant others.) If you are smart with who you date and commit to, hopefully you won't run into one of these people.
I disagree. If you think they are easy to spot, you are living in a dreamworld. If you think someone is just not being "smart enough" to discern whether someone has a history of cheating, is a natural-born cheater or is disloyal, you are living a fantasy.
I'm not picking on you, VBG, but I think there is a huge divide between the ideal and the real in this matter. If there is any indication of disloyalty, yes, I think one should run for the hills. The problem here: the good cheaters and liars are very good, you'd never know. You wouldn't suspect. For e.g., I see a woman for a "f*ck lunch" about every three weeks. She is otherwise the perfect wife and her husband has no reason to suspect it. She treats him well, doesn't go out at night, and in every other way is "beyond reproach." No strange phone calls, is home to make dinner after working all week, takes care of him. Great wife. Her husband is good to her, she is good to him, and, I'm not kidding here, they have a "great" marriage -- yeah, I know what you're saying -- IT'S NOT GREAT IF SHE'S FU*CKING AROUND!!!
Well, I don't get it either, but I can tell you it is a marriage that works, unlike over 50% of the other marriages out there that end in divorce straight up. Those are the facts. The longer you live, you'll find that what YOU THINK NOW, YOUR IDEAS AND IDEALS NOW, are not always consistent with reality.
And, it's not the loonies, the ones with "deep-seeded psychological" problems who are disloyal. The reasons for the disloyalty are piss poor in my opinion -- boredom usually, stagnation, simply needing or wanting a little excitement -- and there is no emotional attachment -- it's almost like a woman (or man) is masturbating but happens to have a body there for their use --you wouldn't think ill of your partner for masturbating, would you? Is this a dichotomy? Yep. Can I reconcile it? Nope, not with, really, get this -- not with the traditional values that have been instilled in me. If I had a wife and she cheated, I would be completely livid. I would never cheat on a future wife or anyone I was serious about.
I've edited this to add: I keep thinking about VBG's repeated example "would this person get up in the middle of night to drive to the airport??" Here's my scoop on this in the land of cheaters: very often, the answer to your question is YES!!! They WOULD get up to do that and much, much more. The cheating actually makes them do much more for their partners, to be extra good to them, extra kind, loving, affectionate, giving, and sexual than they would if they were not cheating. I can't tell you how many times I've heard a cheater tell me that it has made her (or his) marriage or other relationship BETTER!
My point here is simply that the vast majority of people, men and women, out there cheat, have cheated, or will cheat under certain circumstances, regardless of the quality of their relationships and marriages, and regardless of what their partner is doing or not doing and, moreover, it may very well be impossible to discern that they are cheaters or have the proclivity to become one.
[This message has been edited by prosemont (edited 08-14-2002).]