How do you deal with somebodies past?

[username123]

Hey guys,

Long time lurker here, thought I would finally throw a post up here.

Basically, since the start of 2011 i've been seeing a new girl. Its early days but I feel we have a once in a lifetime type chemistry together. She's sweet, funny, smart and sexy as hell (9+ easy). But basically her past is a bit of an issue for me.

When we met, we didn't think it was going to be a serious thing due to my work commitments (I generally work on other side of the world). Were both 27. We basically just agreed to have sex with no strings which suited us both but quickly found out that we have a ridiculous amount of things in common, we think exactly the same way and the sex was absolutely mind-blowing. We get on amazingly well and I've genuinely never met anybody like this in my life. She said to me after a week she loved me and in the two months since then she has basically quit her job with the intention of coming to try and make it work with me in a different continent. When we are together its absolutely electric. However, we are having to do the long distance thing for a month or two and its really not easy for my head, especially knowing the things I do know about her past and the way she used to be.

Basically, her past has been pretty wild and she has slept with a lot of guys (and girls). Since we decided that we wanted to make it work she has been really, brutally honest to the point where she has told me some things I probably didnt even need to hear; Such as how many guys she has been with and where/when/other details/how good it was (30+.. but prob way higher though knowing girls), how she has never been faithful to any of her previous boyfriends and how she once lost her job for having sex at work with a customer when she was younger (she was a bartender) and how her father practically disowned her for it. Shes also had sex on planes, trains, automobiles etc etc...

For what its worth, and call me naive, I think these days are truly behind her. She used to go out every friday without fail and now we sit and talk on the phone for 4 hours at a time instead. Some of her sluttier friends who in the past have apparently thought nothing of helping her get away with murder with men are now telling her "you better not fu ck this up because you'll regret it for the rest of your life" and she tells me about her dreams of us getting married and having children together. She also told me the way she aced was her way of feeling wanted and desired and now she has no need for it. I want to trust all of this 100% but a part of me is still a touch reserved because I know how hard it can be when you are used to attention and the person that loves you is so far away and combined with her past, it really bothers me more than it should.

Basically, although I have never let onto it, her past intimidates me a lot. Before her I had never been with anyobdy in the same mould, and most of my girls were always quite "respectable", at least outwardly. I honestly dont know how to deal with this girl because i'm just so into her I am well aware that sometimes you just don't see as clearly as you should do. The irony of this is that I am myself (apologies if I sound like a huge douche) generally regarded as being very successful, good looking, confident and (according to a few girls) "amazing" in bed (ok, maybe I am a douche...), to the point where she tells me she feels she is the one being intimidated.

So what im asking is.. how do you go about truly putting somebodies past behind you and allowing yourself to see the good... rather than thinking about how they got ****ed by a stranger in an alley 10 years ago?

Be very interested to hear your thoughts.

 

[st_99]

This post almost sounds like a joke but in case its not, run away and don't look back. A persons past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior.

 

[sodbuster]

Hard to do, when she isn't in the mood [be more frequent in the future].... you'll think about it. She was in the mood with her BF at 15, all it cost him to get some was popcorn and a movie. You'll be married to her raising your kids,working like a dog,but she's not in the mood?

 

[Pimp-sicle]

Completely agree with Danger! For a guy that's been lurking on this site for a while how could you not see that this girl has more red flags than a Chinese Communist party??!!!

I hate to assume, but she sounds an awful lot like a girl with BPD, based off a few things:

-saying "I love you" after a couple weeks (when you start thinking clearly you will realize how ridiculous of a statement that really is)

-mind blowing sex

-checkered past

-promiscuous sex aka risky sex

-poor relationship with her father



How could you ever expect a girl with a past like this to suddenly turn it around and be the best partner and potential mother??


If you have all the qualities you list, getting women shouldn't be an issue. Why would you settle for this one? Blinded by her looks is my guess........


Lastly she is clearly giving you a picture of your future together when she tells you about her past.


These women are experts at lying, fabricating and exaggerating situations.........be prepared for a hell of a ride if you choose the wrong road and stick it out with her.




PIMP

 

[Colossus]

MAJOR red flags dude. You are playing with fire here.

Really think about the absurdity of saying "i love you" within a WEEK. Beyond that, her past would send me packing so fast...not out of judgment, but out of pragmatism knowing that a girl with a past like that has some serious baggage...and in all likelihood a personality disorder. I'm not an expert in this area but she sounds like she falls within the histrionic/borderline spectrum.

She may not be a slvt anymore, but in my humble opinion a woman who has any class at all will not tell you about her sexual past in any detail, unless it is somehow need-to-know information.

I know your feelings for her are insane right now, but heed our advice that this is an emotional disaster waiting to happen.

 

[Slickster]

So what im asking is.. how do you go about truly putting somebodies past behind you and allowing yourself to see the good... rather than thinking about how they got ****ed by a stranger in an alley 10 years ago?

Be very interested to hear your thoughts.

Stranger in the alley is all you need to know about this girl.

You can do better.

 

[Burroughs]

For what its worth, and call me naive, I think these days are truly behind her. She used to go out every friday without fail and now we sit and talk on the phone for 4 hours at a time instead. .

Looks like your girlfriend has found a nice girlfriend...that is you.

If you have no feelings I'd say **** the **** out her...*** on her face a few times and leave with the video/dvd of the action.

Since you are obviously looking for a long term relationship I'm going to say it like this..THIS WILL NOT WORK.

 

[jophil28]

I'm going to be tough with you too..

The other guys have told you what you NEED to hear. I agree with all their comments so far.
There is a saying here that applies to your situation," You can't make a ho into a housewife." True that.

However if you want to hear a different perspective, join eHarmony Advice Forums and post your thread starter over there.
You will be told that her past does not matter, that it is not any of your business, you cannot hold it against her because that is judgemental, and that you should be happy with the way that she "makes you feel" in the current moment....blah blah.

Take your choice.

 

[NocheOscura]

This is BPD.
Be prepared for massive lying, cheating and complete insanity if you decide to stay with this one.
I have yet to see one of these beautiful but almost soulless creatures change, cause why should they?
Always another desperate chump standing in line.
Don`t be that chump.

 

[john siegal]

Both of you are Co-Dependent. There are numerous issues that go along with that...IN ADDITION, Because of the Age issue (you are both VERY YOUNG), i advise you to DROP THIS IDEA LIKE A BAD HABIT.

Unfortunately, you have developed feelings for her...and now its not just Sex (you fvkced up).

If she was 10 yrs older...and out of Energy, i would say MAYBE....BUT That's not the case.

Chill out for a few weeks...and start seeing other women.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear All,
An old Chestnut....But you do this Girl an injustice,she is not a Whvore.Ladies of the Night do it for money,this gorgeous Girl does it for pure unadulterated pleasure,would that there were more like her....Hang onto her 123,such Women are Jewels,Courtesans like her wore Red Togas in Ancient times,they were highly respected....Just let things roll as you enjoy the bread from her oven,no need for drastic action,she will drift away of her own accord....Interesting though generous Women like this,will eventually settle down,but only when their Libido drops,but of course by then,she will be of little value to you....Now your genuine Whvore on the other hand,if she has avoided drugs,disease and bad company,makes a very good wife....She has seen every shape colour and creed,Men hold little interest for her...I know of three who have settled down and they are great Wifes...You will never want for Svex,she will turn on a trick as easily as fry an egg,that was her trade,of course she wont enjoy it but it wont be such a bad life....as an aside,on my Dancing scene for four years,I have known an attractive,somewhatshy,refined Lady about 36,very good looking....No one has pinned this little Butterfly down,main reason being,she will rarely turn up to Dances on Fridays and Saturday Nights....Funny she always claims to be a Masseuse,but her hands are just so weak,her arms and shoulders rather frail...All these conundrums came together,someone brought their young Brother along to a Wednesday Night Dance Class...Well he really put the Cat among the Pigeons....Seemed she had been a weekly appointment of his at a local Knocking Shop....I would really like to know this Lady better,see what makes her tick.

 

[username123]

Hey guys,

First of all thanks for the advice. I think maybe some of you have gotten the wrong end of the stick a little but I'm not naive enough to think you don't now what you are talking about at all, so Im going to take care with what you say.

To be fair I'm probably being overly dramatic here. Most of the stuff I wrote happened there was a long time ago, maybe 10 years ago. Shes generally prettty stable now: Holds a good job, has a house, a degree etc. She's definately not slutting it around any more. In fact, when we met she said I will come back to yours but i'm definitely not sleeping with you, and she didn't. Shes also borderline obsessive on safe sex and always has been by all accounts. And also FWIW the guy at work was somebody she knew quite well, something my mind makes me run away with. Shes also a really loving girl and very thoughtful and, call me naive, not in the slightest like what I originally described. I just cant help thinking about her like that when i'm with her because in so many ways she is sweet and innocent and then her past comes flooding back and it really bothers me.

I understand there are warning flags associated with this one, I may be blinded but i'm not stupid. I feel strongly enough about it to run the risk of being hurt but it still doesnt change what i am asking: How do you get over somebodies past?

Cheers.

 

[ZenoB]

I feel strongly enough about it to run the risk of being hurt but it still doesnt change what i am asking: How do you get over somebodies past?

Speaking from experience, I don't think there is a trick to getting over it, you're just going to have to accept it and live with that uncomfortable feeling in your gut and the back of your mind for as long as you're together. And as long as she's your slut, you'll probably find that tolerable, even though it will slowly wear you down over time. Don't expect her to give you any extra points for putting up with it.

 

[jophil28]

I feel strongly enough about it to run the risk of being hurt but it still doesnt change what i am asking: How do you get over somebodies past?

Cheers.

How do you do that you ask ?
Its not possible because her previous behavior violates your moral code.
So she either has to erase her past ,or you have to downgrade and redefine your morals.

Frankly I would just find another woman without all that history.

 

[ls9076]

Speaking from experience, I don't think there is a trick to getting over it, you're just going to have to accept it and live with that uncomfortable feeling in your gut and the back of your mind for as long as you're together. And as long as she's your slut, you'll probably find that tolerable, even though it will slowly wear you down over time. Don't expect her to give you any extra points for putting up with it.

+1
I also speak from experience, and can tell you that it will never go away. When you're with her it never matters, but then out of no where driving down the road, a certain lyric in a song or something you see will spark the memory of the things she's told you. When she says she isn't in the mood, or it's been a week or so of not getting it on, those memories will come flooding back.......then you'll be thinking she's getting it from someone else.

You've known her a short time and she's already quit her job to come move with you on a different continent? Seems to me she's running away from something. I'd hold off with this one man, the amount of baggage this chick is carrying around won't all surface in the first couple of months, it's your decision.

 

[username123]

Yeh I get what you guys are saying.

Its weird though.. I guess I have such double standards because, of the things she has done in the past, i've almost certainly done just as bad myself. So why does it **** with me so much? Maybe because i am a little maladjusted myself? Who knows. It sometimes turns me on when i'm with her, knowing everybody basically wants her but when im not there the thought of it gives me a knot in my stomach. To be fair i'm probably my own worst enemy: When I broke up with my ex girlfriend who I thought was squeaky clean she told me she had had a few one night stands BEFORE we were even together and after the thought of that I struggled to look at her the same, and that was that.

Is it possible this is just something I need to deal with in my head because I have to accept that everybody will have a past of some sort?

Also... the job was always going to get shelved this year by all accounts she just figured this was as good a time as any to live a little while she was at it.

Cheers for the help so far guys.

 

[typical]

Yes you have doube standards and are in fact INSECURE.

Her past is just that her past it should not matter to you in the slightest if it does then oh well tough luck thats just how the cookie crumbles.

The red flags are all there, she's laid out her life in front of you, has quit her job and wiling to move in with you etc etc. Is she running away from her problems and you just happen to be the best thing she's found after a while ?? Classic Knight in Shining Armor story here.

Think of it this way "I have slept with many women but I still had morals and standards which I have always held above myself and any women". If a women does not or has not held a few of these morals in her life then she is of no use as a person to me.

It doesn't matter how nice loving or beautiful said woman is fact is there will always be another woman just as good looking nice and loving but without the issues/less issues.

If her past troubles you today it will always trouble you no matter what we say or you do. Either put up with it or find another one. I would rock the boat while I can and keep looking for another woman.

P.S Don't ever be so quick to let a woman move in with you.

 

[Colossus]

Pretty much any woman you meet these days is going to have past indiscretions. My take is I generally dont want to know about them, and if I do find out I cant get upset if it's something I have done myself. Most men have a double standard when it comes to women in that they expect women to be less promiscuous than they have been themselves. To some extent I think this is ok, but bottom line is if you are judging her for doing the same things YOU did in your past you are nothing more than a hypocrite.

So---if I were to meet a girl who has had sex with as many people as I have would I still be interested in her?? Honestly, probably not. I know all the problems that can come with a colorful sexual past and frankly I want that minimized in any woman I'm with. So there you go...double standard again. IDEALLY I would like a woman who has half or less the number I've had, but life is not ideal and unfortunately you cant window shop based on sexual history. 95% of women wont be honest with you anyway, so just accept that she's had people before you and that's life.

Regarding YOUR girl, 123, I'm going to side with Danger and say that her cheating history alone is reason enough to move on. I'm telling you man, big red flag. Dont think you're the special who she changes for.

 

[Colossus]

Yeah samspade the double standard thing can be an explosive subject. In addition to the biology aspect, there's the psychological truth that our motivations are different. I think something that most women dont (or cant) understand is that men will seek out sex just for the sake of sex--it can stand by itself for us. They cant go there because they arent wired that way. Most men will opportunistically screw various women until they settle down, and to be honest I think it's vital for a man to get this out of his system before choosing to marry. That's why it always makes me a bit uneasy when a guy marries who still has sexual curiosity. I've been there, done that, and know that I'm not missing anything magical by being with one girl...but 5 years ago I couldnt have said that.

It really p!sses women off then you talk about it--because they want the same license to do whatever we do. But deep down most women dont want to screw tons of men. They just dont want to be judged for it. Unfortunately for them, we decide what holds value to us, not them.

 

[powpow]

Hey buddy you type like youre pretty intelligent, or work in GB where they really have a way with the English language. I say that because I am going to assume that you can take what all of these guys have to say, analyze, and properly apply it.

I wanna tell you that a past is a past. Everyone has one. Some are more sordid that others. I am not sure you are asking this, but I cant tell whether you are concerned about your own personal feelings of being able to get passed your own personal thoughts of her with other men, especially given the detail in which she explained it to you

or

if you are trying to use the past as an indicator for an outlook of your present relationship. These guys are right, past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior... but I can tell you as people mature they do change. We are all humans.

We are capable of epiphany, of maturation. If she has a solid track record as of recent (multiple years with no relapse), responsible, etc. then you have to make a decision by yourself. Usually, trust your gut. It is almost never wrong. I am not sure how that works, but it seems to built into the human psyche and although completely enigmatic, is usually a good indicator.

The thing that I would be really concerned is the relationship with her father. See if you can get any more information on that. I would never date a girl that doesnt have a good relationship with her parents. Its just trouble. Her sexual past should also be looked as to relationship of origin. Like was it low self esteem? or sexual abuse (not uncommon)? or was she just a horny biddie when she was younger with no self control?

Its tough man. Best of luck.