How do you deal with other guys trying to make you look stupid?

[James Bondage]

This is something I've been noticing a lot lately, more over the past year or so than ever.

While the quest to become a DJ is a truly great and honourable one indeed, along the way it certainly can produce problems of its own. It is never gonna be an easy path, it seems.

What I seem to be finding recently a lot is when people see you are changing and improving yourself, from time to time (most often when women are around) certain people will do everything in their power to bring you waaaay back down, to 'their level' as it were. In other words, try and make you look bad.

For instance a group of us were down the pub a little while ago (that's 'bar' for you americans) and one of our female friends brought down one of her pretty good-looking friends who we hadn't met before.

Within minutes of him meeting her, one of my 'friends' proceeded to whip out his mobile phone and was playing her a hideously embarrassing video of me at my absolute worst, in a drunken state looking like complete s***.

This was before I'd even had the chance to say one word to her. I knew exactly what he was doing - attempting to destroy my chances before I had even begun. I assume that he must see me as a threat so that's why he did it, which I guess is a good thing, but it is incredibly irritating nonetheless.

Another of my friends (one of my best friends in fact) despite the fact that we are really good mates most of the time, still has a very annoying habit of trying to put me down in front of groups of people (particularly women) to make himself look better. He will often come out with a random put-down line when I least expect it, and catching me off-guard like that usually does exactly what he wants it to, make me look like a complete tit.

I know, I know. 'It's what guys do'. 'Don't be a pu$$y'. 'Man up'. Etc, etc. Well that's all well and good but I've found the more you improve yourself, the more jealousy and personal attacks of this nature you will have to face. It's not that easy to deal with by simply 'manning up'.

And I mean these aren't just some random a$$hole guys that I can just dismiss, ignore or even beat up, these are my good friends!! The stupid thing is believe it or not, on most occasions we do get along great, have a good laugh and there are no problems BUT.. I've also found more often than not, in certain situations, if people can do something to keep you down and thus give themselves the upper hand, they will.

So the question is, how do you deal with it?! A lot of the time it catches me unaware and I haven't prepared a response so I end up looking like a total idiot unless I try and come back at them, which can then lead to a childish back-and-forth tit-for-tat thing or worse, a verbal confrontation (which all look just as bad).

Anyone experienced this?

 

[BLebowski]

Yup, that's friends for ya. Taking a joke...that's fine, but if they're nearly continuously doing that stuff, it's VERY tiresome.

Best thing you can do is simply say to them their behavior bothers you. If they don't listen, kick 'em to the curb and find new buds. Kind of sucks though, since it does often mean you really start anew in every aspect.

Btw, your best friend putting you down to make him feel better....are you really REALLY sure you want to call someone like that your best friend?

 

[reset]

This happened to me at work. A dude I worked with, we got along really well, and girls from the office started coming down to visit me and he did everything in his power to interrupt and put the focus on him, in a totally obnoxious way, would make fun of me, time and time again. It bugged me but now I realize it just made me look good in contrast.

THESE are the types of situations that the true nature of your friendship comes out.

But you have to rise above it and not react to your friend's insecurity at you getting attention. That will just make you look insecure.

If they aren't building you up they're bringing you down.

Just ask this: if you were with one of your close buddies and he was hitting it off with a girl, what would you do? I'd bet you'd either prop him up or just leave him alone---bottom line is you wouldn't interfere with one of your friends. Since that's how you would treat YOUR friends, why don't you focus on making new friends who will do the SAME.

I mean you didn't REALLY expect to hear different did you?

It can be scary to leave people behind but if you're changing, then you're changing and it's gonna happen anyway.

 

[TheLadiesMan]

If he keeps whipping out the cellphone at your potential chances, just simply reply....

"He's haten...." *shrugs* Women can see haters, and chances are, they probably already know who they are, but are just waiting to see how you handle em.

No need to explain yourself about the video to anyone, you were drunk.

When they "hate", call it out for what it is. It won't take long for them to back off after a few times of pointing out their jealous behaviors.

Another thing you can say is....

"You watching me, aren't you?.... you watchn my every move huh?" and smile.

Again, stating the obvious, calling them out...

When you are "top of the food chain" you are going to get a few that will test you, it's as simple as that. Won't be the first, or the last.

Remind them also from time to time, how horrible they are as Wingmen.

Ain't no thang.

 

[Latinoman]

This is something I've been noticing a lot lately, more over the past year or so than ever.

While the quest to become a DJ is a truly great and honourable one indeed, along the way it certainly can produce problems of its own. It is never gonna be an easy path, it seems.

What I seem to be finding recently a lot is when people see you are changing and improving yourself, from time to time (most often when women are around) certain people will do everything in their power to bring you waaaay back down, to 'their level' as it were. In other words, try and make you look bad.

For instance a group of us were down the pub a little while ago (that's 'bar' for you americans) and one of our female friends brought down one of her pretty good-looking friends who we hadn't met before.

Within minutes of him meeting her, one of my 'friends' proceeded to whip out his mobile phone and was playing her a hideously embarrassing video of me at my absolute worst, in a drunken state looking like complete s***.

This was before I'd even had the chance to say one word to her. I knew exactly what he was doing - attempting to destroy my chances before I had even begun. I assume that he must see me as a threat so that's why he did it, which I guess is a good thing, but it is incredibly irritating nonetheless.

Another of my friends (one of my best friends in fact) despite the fact that we are really good mates most of the time, still has a very annoying habit of trying to put me down in front of groups of people (particularly women) to make himself look better. He will often come out with a random put-down line when I least expect it, and catching me off-guard like that usually does exactly what he wants it to, make me look like a complete tit.

I know, I know. 'It's what guys do'. 'Don't be a pu$$y'. 'Man up'. Etc, etc. Well that's all well and good but I've found the more you improve yourself, the more jealousy and personal attacks of this nature you will have to face. It's not that easy to deal with by simply 'manning up'.

And I mean these aren't just some random a$$hole guys that I can just dismiss, ignore or even beat up, these are my good friends!! The stupid thing is believe it or not, on most occasions we do get along great, have a good laugh and there are no problems BUT.. I've also found more often than not, in certain situations, if people can do something to keep you down and thus give themselves the upper hand, they will.

So the question is, how do you deal with it?! A lot of the time it catches me unaware and I haven't prepared a response so I end up looking like a total idiot unless I try and come back at them, which can then lead to a childish back-and-forth tit-for-tat thing or worse, a verbal confrontation (which all look just as bad).

Anyone experienced this?

1- NO one has the ability to make you look stupid or to bring you down...ONLY you have that power.

2- You choose your friends...no one is forcing you to be with them.

3- The video telephone thing was an easy fix: "___ (girl's name), you have to forgive my mate. Every time a good looking woman is introduced in the group...he tries to lay a claim on me. He has a man-crush on me." (then smile and wink at her)

4- Your so called "best friend"...every time he tries to pull you down...simply look at your watch and say (with a comedian tone of voice): "Cha-ching! I was wondering when ___ (your friend's name) was going to try and hide his insecurity at my expense. But like Big Ben (your London clock), he is always on time!". Then laugh.

5- Whoever tells you that "men" do that crap to their friends is full of sh_it and don't understand that there is a boundary. And those idiots are not following those boundaries.

 

[reset]

5- Whoever tells you that "men" do that crap to their friends is full of sh_it and don't understand that there is a boundary. And those idiots are not following those boundaries.

100%. These are the types of situations that show you if they are genuine friends.

It's interesting that you guys said to say things about it. I thought you were just supposed to ignore it like it didn't get to you, that if you respond it's showing the boy-man got to you. The chicks already see the insecurity in the c0ckblocker "friend" right?

I guess in my case I showed frustration at the bl0cking, and if you still think in terms of "passing tests" that's a fail.

 

[frivolousz21]

I have a best friend who would do about anything short of death for me.

and he breaks out on me randomly because of his insecurity...I believe he doesnt mean to do it...but does.

its cool thought it is what it is...none of us are perfect.

 

[Latinoman]

100%. These are the types of situations that show you if they are genuine friends.

It's interesting that you guys said to say things about it. I thought you were just supposed to ignore it like it didn't get to you, that if you respond it's showing the boy-man got to you. The chicks already see the insecurity in the c0ckblocker "friend" right?

I guess in my case I showed frustration at the bl0cking, and if you still think in terms of "passing tests" that's a fail.

If it is a guy that I don't interact with (a stranger or somebody that I CASUALLY know)...I would ignore the idiot. After all, I don't have to deal with them.

But if it my circle of friends? I put a stop to it immediatelly. Especially if all they are doing is TRYING to degrade me. I don't let my circle of friends push me around. I "command" respect (in the sense that I command presence).

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=110479 on a thread I wrote on this subject several months ago.

 

[reset]

Well in my most recent case(s) it was a dude I worked who literally sits right next to me. Girls would come to visit me and ask me questions and all those purusal things, and he would always interrupt, try to finish my sentences, a few times make fun of me if a girl was saying I was this or that. This was probably the first time I experienced that, and it happened several times with several different girls. This dude I "thought" was my friend of course.

At first I got pissed off, and somehow the chicks knew to use that against me in the future when their drama buttons were pushed. I don't think I ever made fun of him back, but I learned to just kind of think of him as retarded and to just be quiet for awhile, and wait for the retarded kid to get it out of his system then continue with my point.

I also noticed that if the chick uses the bl0cker to make you jealous, if you tune them both out she'll stop talking to him and act like an adult for a short time. Also the chick will just ignore the dude. She knows he's a hater and if she likes you she'll help you out.

I learned a lot about jealousy, and insecurity, and my own insecurity from this guy so in the end it was a valuable experience.

But whatever. Again, if I ever had a friend that did that, I would tell him to knock it off. After that, you aren't my friend. I would never ever do that to someone else.

 

[KontrollerX]

Yeah reset if I was your buddy and chicks were coming up to you what I would do is subtley build you up to these chicks as being awesome and if I saw you were struggling thinking of something to say I'd bring up an interesting topic that I would think you could build from.

Thats how a real friend does it.

An idiot like that guy you described...unfortunately there's millions of em and its good to remove them from your friend's list as soon as possible.

 

[reset]

Yeah, you really should help your friends out. What's sad is he doesn't understand why I don't really talk to him anymore. When this all started happening I was very insecure myself, and thought that since he was interrupting me and the girls could pick up on my own jealousy, that he was a player. Then I started reading here, and noticed how he would follow every girl around and constantly give them attention, and take their shyt, and my entire perspective changed. He's just a nice guy (phony type) who's jealous of anyone getting attention but him. Valuable lesson there.

 

[MikeEdward1973]

For instance a group of us were down the pub a little while ago (that's 'bar' for you americans) and one of our female friends brought down one of her pretty good-looking friends who we hadn't met before.

Within minutes of him meeting her, one of my 'friends' proceeded to whip out his mobile phone and was playing her a hideously embarrassing video of me at my absolute worst, in a drunken state looking like complete s***.

This was before I'd even had the chance to say one word to her. I knew exactly what he was doing - attempting to destroy my chances before I had even begun. I assume that he must see me as a threat so that's why he did it, which I guess is a good thing, but it is incredibly irritating nonetheless.

Another of my friends (one of my best friends in fact) despite the fact that we are really good mates most of the time, still has a very annoying habit of trying to put me down in front of groups of people (particularly women) to make himself look better. He will often come out with a random put-down line when I least expect it, and catching me off-guard like that usually does exactly what he wants it to, make me look like a complete tit.

Anyone experienced this?

Those are not your friends.

 

[Eddie417]

I know, I know. 'It's what guys do'. 'Don't be a pu$$y'. 'Man up'. Etc, etc. Well that's all well and good but I've found the more you improve yourself, the more jealousy and personal attacks of this nature you will have to face. It's not that easy to deal with by simply 'manning up'.

And I mean these aren't just some random a$$hole guys that I can just dismiss, ignore or even beat up, these are my good friends!!

Anyone experienced this?

Never had this happen. I've seen women do this in jealousy situations but in my circle of friends we generally try to help each other out in these situations not sabotage.

 

[KarmaSutra]

1- NO one has the ability to make you look stupid or to bring you down...ONLY you have that power.

2- You choose your friends...no one is forcing you to be with them.

3- The video telephone thing was an easy fix: "___ (girl's name), you have to forgive my mate. Every time a good looking woman is introduced in the group...he tries to lay a claim on me. He has a man-crush on me." (then smile and wink at her)

4- Your so called "best friend"...every time he tries to pull you down...simply look at your watch and say (with a comedian tone of voice): "Cha-ching! I was wondering when ___ (your friend's name) was going to try and hide his insecurity at my expense. But like Big Ben (your London clock), he is always on time!". Then laugh.

5- Whoever tells you that "men" do that crap to their friends is full of sh_it and don't understand that there is a boundary. And those idiots are not following those boundaries.

There is no way to expound on Brother Latinoman's extremely helpful and absolutely correct assessment of what to do in the future and the motivations behind your "friends" (that's mate for you Brits) self aggrandizing but misled attempt at mocking you.

I will only say that your buddy (that's also mate for you Brits :yes: ) did this to supercede your authority at the table. It's blatantly obvious you have the higher status out of your group.

 

[joekerr31]

latinoman is bang on the money.

the only other thing i would add is learn to master the stare.

eye contact is the most powerful tool you have. in the animal kingdom its the most powerful signal of combat. when a predator is fixing on its prey, it locks eyes and doesn't allow anything to distract it.

if a 'friend' of mine pulled out some embarassing video..

1) i wouldn't laugh, even if everyone else was
2) i'd lock eyes with him and keep them locked until he got very uncomfortable.
3) i'd continue to lock eyes with him until everyone was getting uncomfortable (potentially worry that maybe i was going to throw a punch).
4) then when everyone had stopped laughing and there was a bit of a awkward vibe going on, i'd bust out laughing and say 'good one frank.'

see with group dynamics people are afraid to go against what the group is doing. so if everyone is laughing, people are afraid not to laugh. but when you slap the group in the face, often times none of them know what to do. no one is prepared to step up and confront you because they are too afraid of a direct confrontation and getting their *ss handed to them in front of everyone else.

so when you pull the alpha 'give me a second and let me think about whether i want to punch you in the face' move - and then reverse the move with a 'nahhhhh, let's just have fun.' - everyone gives a sigh of relief.

not only will your buddy never pull that sh*t on you again, but people will clearly identify you as an alpha male because you stood up against the group / pack mentality.

the worst thing you can do though is say something. words don't work. words are the tools of a coward (took me a long time to realize this). even if you get him bent over backwards using words, he'll just flip it around and go 'jeez, no need to be so sensitive.'

eye contact is EVERYTHING in this world. you can literally control people just by using your eyes.

 

[reset]

I'm keeping that one in mind Joekerr.

 

[DJDamage]

if a 'friend' of mine pulled out some embarassing video..

1) i wouldn't laugh, even if everyone else was
2) i'd lock eyes with him and keep them locked until he got very uncomfortable.
3) i'd continue to lock eyes with him until everyone was getting uncomfortable (potentially worry that maybe i was going to throw a punch).
4) then when everyone had stopped laughing and there was a bit of a awkward vibe going on, i'd bust out laughing and say 'good one frank.'

Hey Joeker did you watch Goodfellas last night or what?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=twW_riHWz_4

 

[Bible_Belt]

So the question is, how do you deal with it?!

Laugh it off, stay calm/cool/collected, and stop hanging around people who treat you poorly over and over, assuming this is repeated behavior. Whatever the embarrassment or insult, it is what you make of it.

 

[TheLadiesMan]

I recently had to throw the cards out on the table, when a friend aka my fellow supervisor, try to call me out in front of my ppls, and possible future sex partners.

I guess since he was promoted to supe, he's been taking advantage of his position and sleeping with his fellow co-workers. That's cool, got no problems with that, personally, I never needed an entitlement to get leg, but some do, I ain't mad at cha... but it's when you walk around proclaiming to be the shiznit, when you are not, and try to belittle me in the process, is when I have a problem with it.

You see, the two women that he did sleep with, had no problems informing all the other women in the company that he had a small d*ck, so as he walked around with his "sh*t don't stink" look, I just simply excuse it as lack of true understanding of the situation. Until most recently....

As I was passing thru, he took it upon himself to explain to a group of females that the reason, TLM, is not with a woman presently, is because, "he doesn't know how to do it." Of course, I was like "...you do know these are my ppl, don't you? ...let me clear this up for everyone. The reason I am without a woman right now is, I'm a dog, I'm selfish, and I'm greedy, it's just that simple.... you would think I would have learned my lesson the first, second, and third times, but nooooo. So, until I can be happy with just one woman, I'm destined to be a bachelor for the rest of my life, which isn't a bad thing now."

"...and one more thing... I know for a fact that we've shared at least one woman. ...I got breakfast, lunch and dinner, and she tipped me $40, what did you get? " (knowing the most he got was an unflattering review, spread across every corner of work.) The dude turned completely ghost like. His ****y smile turned into a frown. I didn't want to do that to him, but he called it upon himself, and when he confronted me later about it, that's what I told him. I said "Dude... you pulled me into that conversation, and try to punk me. I was just laying my cards down, nothing personal, but those are my ppls. "

He did give me the "I'm not worthy" gesture, which was pretty cool, cuz I'm an ego maniac.

..and for the record, it was several breakfasts, lunches, and dinners... and $40.

Let it be known that, if you plan to sleep with women at work, make sure you lay it down, and give them nothing but good things to remember you by, even when they decide to hate you later.

 

[joekerr31]

Hey Joeker did you watch Goodfellas last night or what?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=twW_riHWz_4

absolutely perfect.

nothing works better than this movie. pull the tough guy routine and then act like it was all a big joke.

now you've flipped the tables and if they react all sensitive they look like a chump.

i love it.