How do you deal with character flaws?

[ObieJuan]

Are there things about yourself you can't change nor know how to handle?

Let me elaborate: Ever since I was young there were qualities I noticed have stayed with me and have never changed- mainly being non-social and indifferent to most people because I find them uninteresting and self-absorbed. Even while I have no trouble communicating, ultimately doing so gives me no satisfaction, therefore I have less ambition to socialize. I see women all over the place and if I find something appealing about them I'll open up a conversation- but I don't make an effort to get out and meet new people.

I feel like if I were really dumb I'd just go anywhere and find someone to relate and chat with about the most trivial of things. People of low intelligence/education must be happier, because ignorance is bliss. I am stuck with high standards and can't lower them for anyone. I have a couple of friends that I respect and enjoy their company but everyone bothers me if I spend too much time with them...Maybe I will be alone for most of my life.

It just sucks to have qualities in myself I cannot change no matter how much I desire so I try to make myself more attractive by working out and exploring interests, ambitions and life goals- and while it's fun to do those things it would be better if I had someone to share them with. Sex is fun but I'm not putting up with a girl for it if she doesn't add anything to my life. In turn, what do I have to offer her in return? It's confusing. Maybe I just need to go sarging but that feels kinda pointless.

Can you actually change personality traits or are you stuck with them for good? What do you think?

 

[DJ_in_making]

what's your point?

Sorry, but I don't see what the problem is. If it was "I don't know how to be social" thats one thing. But your post states "I don't like to be social because..."

So what? You don't have to like it, just do it because you achieve your objective. It's like when you have to put up with a b*tchy person because there is something you need from them, but you really just want to say f-u!!

I like to talk intelligent at times myself. But hey, its a shallow world my friend, sometimes you gotta sink down to their level to communicate with 'em. You're not freakin' lowering your standards your adjusting to your envioronment!.

And no, you don't need to change your personality traits. If you get tired of hanging with your friends you don't have to hang with them, what's the big deal?

Sex is fun but I'm not putting up with a girl for it if she doesn't add anything to my life.

Oh...and having sex, and keeping a LTR are 2 different things.

 

[ObieJuan]

It's a paradox of sorts, hating people but not being able to live without them- maybe I've lost faith in 99 percent of the human race; we don't really care about each other any more. Maybe my behavior is in response to the way I have been treated. I am fearful that I will have to "settle" for a girl and will never experience true happiness- that's actually what I meant. It'd be good for a change to meet someone I could relate to which is really difficult.

You're probably right though, there's nothing wrong with me. Truth be told I like being a jerk and laughing at other people's ignorance...but I try not to embrace it too much and be friendly. I doubt most chicks really care for my brand of personality- either that or it's because I'm not approaching enough girls. Sometimes I think we all have to figure out what really makes us happy. Woman aren't the end-all-be-all but they matter enough I don't want to be without em

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

...Can you actually change personality traits or are you stuck with them for good? What do you think?

A person has the ability to define the majority of their limitations. You have the choice to accept the way that you are right here, right now or explore making personal adjustments. It's up to you.

 

[ObieJuan]

A person has the ability to define the majority of their limitations. You have the choice to accept the way that you are right here, right now or explore making personal adjustments. It's up to you.

Argh..if I only knew HOW to change, that's the hard part. Some things are easier than others: I'm out of shape- solution? Buy a gym membership, eat better food. Not a total stud? Buy nice clothes, dress stylish and practice good hygene. Not that funny or interesting? Still working on that one, possibly by working on being more charming and charismatic.

Change is the hardest thing to do; sometimes when you're not seeing results it's easy to give into the question "why am I doing this" - guess I'll just keep fighting the good fight- working out, studying and eating properly then see where I am by Spring. Thanks for the responses guys.

 

[Demon]

I hate spamming about my own article, well, I don't... but I think I covered the "why am I doing this" aspect of your search for clarity. Read the article linked in my signature.

 

[Latinoman]

Where you home schooled?

Listen stop the crap. Losing faith for the human race? Really? Maybe you are losing faith for yourself. Do not hate others because you have not work on yourself. Do not reflect the hate you have for yourself on others. Instead work on yourself. Enhance your positive qualities and minimize your negative ones – perhaps sharing your knowledge with others is a good start (keeping in mind that perhaps you are not as knowledgeable as you think).

No wanting to know people of different backgrounds and with a variety range of knowledge would ultimately make you an ignorant man.

Here is one thing I want to share with you: I have met very powerful people in my life. And I have learned one important lesson – professional titles, academic titles, political/professional status, intelligence, and money are things that are nice to have but NONE define a man. NONE define the character of a man.

I have learned to have as much respect for a man that cleans my office…more much more than a CEO such as the morons from ENRON (by the way, I’ve never met one).

It is nice to talk and relate to people. But what can you learn that is NEW if all the topics you talk about are the same thing?

And you can change any negative quality you might have. It starts by stopping feeling sorry for you.

 

[ObieJuan]

Where you home schooled?

No, I was raised by the YMCA for most of my childhood. Public school for education.

Listen stop the crap. Losing faith for the human race? Really? Maybe you are losing faith for yourself. Do not hate others because you have not work on yourself. Do not reflect the hate you have for yourself on others.

I should be more specific- Americans are more uneducated, lazier and blame everything else for their own shortcomings more than ever. I don't have much to say about the rest of humanity If anything, I like who I am but am unhappy that others don't like me as much. I've been focusing on becoming a better man since I came to this site- it's just difficult to find the underlying reason to some problems that may goall the way back to childhood, even genetics.

Instead work on yourself. Enhance your positive qualities and minimize your negative ones – perhaps sharing your knowledge with others is a good start (keeping in mind that perhaps you are not as knowledgeable as you think).

I'm not all-knowing; my arrogance doesn't carry me that far. Besides, only fools and the ignorant think they know everything. I do like to teach others but sometimes it leaves me wondering if it did any good or if it was a waste of time.

No wanting to know people of different backgrounds and with a variety range of knowledge would ultimately make you an ignorant man.

My entire life has been dedicated to understanding many things in this world that are fascinating to me. I read and study topics and learn from others- maybe to become more enlightened and enjoy life but knowledge doesn't seem to fill the void. As evidenced by the people who surround me, ignorance is bliss.

Here is one thing I want to share with you: I have met very powerful people in my life. And I have learned one important lesson – professional titles, academic titles, political/professional status, intelligence, and money are things that are nice to have but NONE define a man. NONE define the character of a man.

I have learned to have as much respect for a man that cleans my office…more much more than a CEO such as the morons from ENRON (by the way, I’ve never met one).

You are fortunate to have met such people as they are few and far between. I do not look down on those who have been given less in this life, however I feel disdain for the ones who do not use what they were given to carry them further in their lives. I have been mostly fortunate, I'm thankful for that. We can't control what we're born into, only make the best of what we're dealt.

It is nice to talk and relate to people. But what can you learn that is NEW if all the topics you talk about are the same thing?

And you can change any negative quality you might have. It starts by stopping feeling sorry for you.

I've been through some stuff but I don't feel sorry for myself. If it weren't for my efforts and a decent upbringing I could've been faced with worse problems- it doesn't make me any happier, though. I try not to take life too seriously but sometimes the little things p!ss me off. It's hard to understand why I'm so negative much of the time.

I read your post Demon, it was brilliant. Thank you

 

[Delta]

howdy,

this is not meant to be an attack. but it seems like everything that you hate about others, you EXHIBIT IN YOURSELF - in YOUR attitude. self involved, etc.

do you see this?

now, a way forward if you're a misanthrope, and it sounds like you are, is to seek to GENUINELY LOVE OTHERS and engage them not always in the spirit of what you're getting out of it. but how can you cheer someone up today or say, that person seems like they're in a pickle, etc.

selflessness pays dividends and because your focus is different, all of a sudden, you won't seeing annoying jerks but human beings with problems and who are the way they are, as messed up as they are, because of living a life that you can't possibly fully know about.

you have an almost elitist kind of attitude and that is completely wrong. we are all messed up. you me everybody. and you must not judge because you cannot possibly see all the angles of why we are the way we are.

given that, if you have surplus affection or attention or whatever that you can spare, sharing alleviates loneliness not only for the other but yourself.

i hear you, can't live with them, can't live without them. truth is, you really can't live without them.

that is the reality.

so make it happen.

delta

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Change is the hardest thing to do; sometimes when you're not seeing results it's easy to give into the question "why am I doing this" - guess I'll just keep fighting the good fight- working out, studying and eating properly then see where I am by Spring. Thanks for the responses guys.

What you're describing isn't change, it's patience and persistence. Consider this, suppose you are able to make all the cosmetic and personality changes that you listed without changing your level of patience and persistence, do you believe that you would be much more successful with women? Yes, you may be more attractive to them but how would you feel if things still weren't happening as fast as you'd like it to?

 

[ObieJuan]

howdy,

this is not meant to be an attack. but it seems like everything that you hate about others, you EXHIBIT IN YOURSELF - in YOUR attitude. self involved, etc.

do you see this?

now, a way forward if you're a misanthrope, and it sounds like you are, is to seek to GENUINELY LOVE OTHERS and engage them not always in the spirit of what you're getting out of it. but how can you cheer someone up today or say, that person seems like they're in a pickle, etc.

selflessness pays dividends and because your focus is different, all of a sudden, you won't seeing annoying jerks but human beings with problems and who are the way they are, as messed up as they are, because of living a life that you can't possibly fully know about.

you have an almost elitist kind of attitude and that is completely wrong. we are all messed up. you me everybody. and you must not judge because you cannot possibly see all the angles of why we are the way we are.

given that, if you have surplus affection or attention or whatever that you can spare, sharing alleviates loneliness not only for the other but yourself.

i hear you, can't live with them, can't live without them. truth is, you really can't live without them.

that is the reality.

so make it happen.

delta

I can definitely see where you're coming from. It takes more energy for me to actually care about other people than anything else- being misanthropic explains why is it so hard for me to find a genuine interest in others. I have to put an effort; it doesn't come naturally.

I'd like to cultivate genuine, healthy relationships with other people which I have failed in doing for the most part. I was more chivalrous, kind and selfless but at some point a while back it wasn't getting me anywhere, but neither are the things that I'm doing now. Perhaps I'll try harder. You are right about the elitist part; sometimes it's hard not to fall into that trap.

 

[Delta]

right, that's the pattern - you start out as a wide-eyed optimist and genuinely kind and caring etc etc etc.

and you don't get what you want.

so you go the other way.
----------------------------------------

thing to realize about that pattern though is that "selflessness" and care that you showed to others was simply to GET SOMETHING OUT OF IT.

right? because when it didn't "work out", you bailed on it.

this is what is meant when we say that you shouldn't be "nice". when that niceness is driven by self interest, it is not only not genuinely nice, it is a thin lie.

so in terms of "getting what you want", you don't try to manipulate that into happening by being nice... by obligating them or something like that.

you get what you want by being attractive and MAKING MOVES... initiating, talking, asking out, etc. you don't masquerade as something else and try to manipulate them. you just put yourself out there and put yourself in a vulnerable position. you act according to your desire unapologetically and put yourself at risk. this is the way to go.

---------------------------------------------------------------

NOW, when you seek to be a "better human being", here then, you act "selflessly" expecting nothing back. you present yourself to be AT SERVICE to others.

and guess what, you may not FEEL LIKE IT.

but the truth is, hating humanity and withdrawing in a shell is the deadest of dead ends you can possibly pursue.

you eliminate all opportunity, eliminate SOCIAL RESOURCES which is a huge part of life, especially as you grow older and is a step away from stunted death.

so the reality is YOU NEED PEOPLE.

ultimately, that is selfish too... you try to love because "you need people".... but that is unavoidable and that is ok. not a contradiction.

we are social animals. so seek to be social. with hot chicks, YOU DO NOT HIDE behind being nice. you just go for it AND fast! and get rejected again and again and again. but that is the way of it.

for the population at large, try to love. think of how fallible and weak and flawed you are and imagine how everyone else is JUST LIKE THAT... just in a different way . so no elitism. humility. love.

i'm not a bible banger but some of this stuff is extremely valid for life.

delta

 

[Latinoman]

I should be more specific- Americans are more uneducated, lazier and blame everything else for their own shortcomings more than ever. I don't have much to say about the rest of humanity

Maybe the Americans you know in Troy Michigan. Do you realize that although our Undergraduate (and for that matter High School) system might not be the best...that our Graduate and Post Graduate System is the best as to attract people from all over the Globe?


Furthermore, I'm sure that if you go to Border Colorado, Washignton D.C., Massashusets, Berkley California, etc. your opinion on "educated people" might be considerably different than in Troy MI. Perhaps a change of environment might not be a bad idea.

If anything, I like who I am but am unhappy that others don't like me as much.

Really? That's clearly an insecurity issue. I think you should start by focusing on how you view the person more than how the person view you. When I go to a room and I'm ready to meet somebody, my approach is always "would I like 'he/her'?" and NOT the "would she/he like me?"

That trick does wonders with Self Confidence.

I'm not all-knowing; my arrogance doesn't carry me that far.

That's the problem...Arrogance. Arrogance is as bad as Envy. Both are serious character flaws.

Besides, only fools and the ignorant think they know everything.

Agree.

I do like to teach others but sometimes it leaves me wondering if it did any good or if it was a waste of time.

Sharing knowlege and helping others is always a good thing. Always remember not to shove your advice/knowledge on people's throat. If they decide not to learn then that's their problem...not yours.

My entire life has been dedicated to understanding many things in this world that are fascinating to me.

But you have failed on the first thing you should have understood: yourself.

Know yourself first...learn about your negative and positive traits. Enhance your positive traits and either improve or minimize your negative ones.

I read and study topics and learn from others- maybe to become more enlightened and enjoy life but knowledge doesn't seem to fill the void.

Once again...you either have issues with the environment were you are currently leaving (easily fix by moving to another City, State, or Country). Or you have issues with self esteem.

As evidenced by the people who surround me, ignorance is bliss.

Maybe they have learned that they can live life only once. Maybe they learned to focus on the POSITIVES of life. And maybe that is what brings them happiness.

You are fortunate to have met such people as they are few and far between.

Well...it has made me realize and appreciate that talking with an 85 year old shoe-maker has as much value than talking to the PhD expert in East Asia economics. Or talking with the 60 year old sales person in the jewerly store has as much value as talking with the CEO or VP of a company.

It has also show me that it is not about what they do or know...but about how they do it. I have lot more respect for a woman that puts lot of pride on the way she cooks or cleans the rooms in a hotel than a man that is a CEO and acts like the ENRON people.

I do not look down on those who have been given less in this life, however I feel disdain for the ones who do not use what they were given to carry them further in their lives. I have been mostly fortunate, I'm thankful for that. We can't control what we're born into, only make the best of what we're dealt.

Exactly.

I've been through some stuff but I don't feel sorry for myself. If it weren't for my efforts and a decent upbringing I could've been faced with worse problems- it doesn't make me any happier, though. I try not to take life too seriously but sometimes the little things p!ss me off. It's hard to understand why I'm so negative much of the time.

Hit the gym...find yourself a girl (and get laid). And then enjoy life. Heck, write a journal if that can help. Take some dance lessons too!

 

[ObieJuan]

Thanks guys, your advice is on point. Michigan sucks...I'm not happy here and will be leaving to live in SoCal again after I finish school and get some work experience. I like my job but my attitude has been rooted in frustration and anger at times and has affected my chances of getting transferred within the company. My dad passed away a few years ago and I've been living by myself since then. I've wasted a lot of time shutting myself off and a change has been long overdue. Self-esteem is a non-issue, really. Is it possible to be elitist and have low self-esteem? lol, kidding.

I just need to go out and get laid again, it's been a few weeks...maybe even make some new friends (which I haven't done in a while). I'm still building up the balls to go out by myself and meet new people. Working out makes me feel a lot better- things are definitely improving on that front. It doesn't quite make up for how much Michigan sucks but it helps.

Thank you for the great advice Latinoman and Delta; I've got plenty to digest for the time being.

Oh, and I definitely need to find a place that offers dance lessons...been wanting to do that for a while.

 

[Latinoman]

Thanks guys, your advice is on point. Michigan sucks...I'm not happy here and will be leaving to live in SoCal again after I finish school and get some work experience. I like my job but my attitude has been rooted in frustration and anger at times and has affected my chances of getting transferred within the company. My dad passed away a few years ago and I've been living by myself since then. I've wasted a lot of time shutting myself off and a change has been long overdue. Self-esteem is a non-issue, really. Is it possible to be elitist and have low self-esteem? lol, kidding.

I just need to go out and get laid again, it's been a few weeks...maybe even make some new friends (which I haven't done in a while). I'm still building up the balls to go out by myself and meet new people. Working out makes me feel a lot better- things are definitely improving on that front. It doesn't quite make up for how much Michigan sucks but it helps.

Thank you for the great advice Latinoman and Delta; I've got plenty to digest for the time being.

Oh, and I definitely need to find a place that offers dance lessons...been wanting to do that for a while.

Good luck!

 

[Ripper]

There are always going to be qualities we don't like about ourselves. The trick is to limit the effect they have on others.