how do you bring up trust issues with a girl youre dating?

[jazzpur]

what is the most alpha way to put your foot down when you feel a girl is doing something on a regular basis behind your back? at this point shes my girlfriend(which she was asking to be for months) so i feel i have the right to not be left in the dark about ****

when she makes it pretty clear shes appreciated, ****ed like she needs to be, i make her feel more woman than she ever has. but once every other week or so starts to get shady and makes up ridiculous excuses why she "wont be around friday" or "goodnight ill talk to you tommorow (@7pm)"

at this point im conifdent its not another guy, but perhaps a drinking night with guy friends or something similar...just something shed rather i not have any say in. (i dont drink btw, so perhaps she thinks im critical of it)

so this girl has been telling me lately shes never ever thought shed find the guy she wanted to marry and have kids with until she met me....and her actions show shes clearly in love with me accept of course when she does this

its bottled up far too long (a few months) and i dont want to just go **** other girls behind her back to write it off, so how AND WHEN do i bring this issue up to her without looking like a chump or being accusatory. perhaps catch her when shes in a lovey dovey mood with me in person?

im afraid whatever this is will end up costing my relationship with this girl if i dont get it out of the way

ive been going distant and cold when she does it and it makes her run back to cover ground....but she still continues it regardless.... i want it stopped

 

[sodbuster]

Not sure WHY she can't tell you what she's doing.... but don't fall for the "only man for me" line. IF she's not willing to tell you what she's doing, maybe you aren't.....

If I have a meeting, have to work late, going out for a beer with a friend,etc. WHAT couldn't I tell my girlfriend????? If SHE'S learning how to pole dance for you, do you think she couldn't tell you that and be met with enthusiasm?

 

[jazzpur]

well she does have reasons why, i just dont believe them

example:
her:
"im going to pick some weeds out back and go to bed early"

my reply:
"ok text me goodnight later then, ill ttyl"

her:
"i told you i think im just gonna go to bed early"

me:
"ok ill talk to you"

her:
"dont be like that!"

ARGUMENT STARTS



example 2:

me:
"that band youve been wanting to see has a show next friday, lets go"

her:
"my landlord wants to clean the dryer vent next saturday morning"(5 days away)

 

[guru1000]

This post epitomizes the necessity of boundaries at the onset of exclusivity; specifically to deter such behavior by being unequivocally clear of the "rules" of engagement. Contrariwise, here, the rules are obfuscated.

Such behavior seems to align with her branch-swinging or plate rotating. I would relegate her to a plate in your, now, harem. Focus and Build your harem. If she questions why you are dating other women, explain that her behavior is indicative of non-exclusive relations. If she pushes for exclusivity, then overtly express your boundaries; that is assuming you still want exclusivity with her.

In US contract common law, the behavior of parties can be indicative of a bonafide contract, "meeting of the minds" doctrine. Likewise her behavior exhibits non-exclusivity; proceed accordingly.

 

[guru1000]

Bring it up asap ...

My only deterrence to post-exclusivity material boundaries is she receives no benefit/reward for compliance, thus narrowing its efficiency. The benefit of your not walking away has little relevance if she holds lower IL.

 

[apprenticedj]

Honestly you can't bring it up without looking insecure and weak. You can sit her down and have the conversation but she's only going to become defensive and it will make you look even weaker.

My standard answer for these problems: two can play this game!

Maybe you start becoming a little more secretive, maybe you go out without telling her what's up. Let her feel the way you do.

As GURU said you need to establish these boundaries early so there's no gray areas. Another great poster here, MaximusRex, often quotes a line from American Pimp that I think fits this situation perfectly:

"The way you start with a ***** is the way you'll end with her" (paraphrasing heavily)

Meaning it's all about frame. If you let her get away with secretive behaviour now you shouldn't expect anything else going forward.

 

[The Duke]

so this girl has been telling me lately shes never ever thought shed find the guy she wanted to marry and have kids with until she met me....and her actions show shes clearly in love with me accept of course when she does this

A girl that is into you like mentioned won't leave any questions/concerns in your mind(mysteriously having other plans). This is all lip service. Don't fall for it. Married women that cheat have some of the same lines.

 

[VladPatton]

at this point im conifdent its not another guy <---don't ever make this assumption!



Bring it up ASAP. Or, start pulling the same thing on her. Don't tell her where you'll be and she what she does. If she pesters you about it, she cares, if not, she doesn't give a shıt and will probably be banging some other dude in the free time.

Either way, this is most likely headed for the crapper. Shady shıt like this is not cool.

 

[jazzpur]

While I can see your point RoyalFlush, I wouldn't recommend it.


At this point, she has low interest and a boundary will not do the trick. You do not need to hasten the end of the relationship because quite simply, it is already over. Just not "official".

And honestly, if I am not getting sex at home, the last thing I care about is what is "official" because at the end of the day, they are officially my only source of sex, but if they aren't supplying, then I am on the market for it, and so should every other man be as well in said predicament.

wouldnt say its low interest, we still have great sex multiple times every weekend we spend together.

i dominate her in bed and give her things shes new to and other guys are intimidated by....bondage, sadomasochism, squirting orgasms...etc

when shes with me, she makes it clear thru her actions that shes complelety in love.....always grabs my hand and leans on shoiulder, wants me to meet all of her family...wakes me up with *******s, confirms that shes my slut in bed, etc

we actually just booked a trip to peru together, so we are both invested here

but we do spend the weekdays apart and once in a while she'll disappear for a few hours on one of those days. i never question it...i just get cold and stoic

perhaps ill have to look furthr into implementing boundaries....but shouldnt being open and honest be automatically assumed by forming a "commited" relationship

weve dated over 6 months, and although she'd been asking if she was my girlfriend 4 months ago....i told her i wasnt ready.

so it wasnt until 3 weeks ago i decided i wanted to keep this girl in my life and make it official.

oneitis maybe,but as a package she is higher value than any girl ive ever been with.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Jazz,
You are my Son what we like to call a Plate...Maybe you can be happy with that?

 

[jazzpur]

ok a lot of you guys are assuming the worst, that im a plate eventhough shes been pinning for a relationship with me for the past few months

this morning was another reach on her part to sincerely tell me out of the blue how much i mean to her and that she so greatful to have me in her life

^^^this is the stuff that keeps me assuming better, in my experience girls just dont say this stuff to look good, esp if interest is low

so do i bring this up in a calm way when the time is right and sacrifice looking weak?

or do i withdraw and **** other women i will consciously see as a downgrade just to ultimately seem more scarce to my girlfriend?

its hard not to have ONEITIS when youve decided to be in a relationship with ONE girl....this is the caveat

i was perhaps thinking of framing my concern in a differenet way....maybe bringing up to her that i assume she has a drinking problem that she doesnt want to come forth about and that im concrened thats shes mentally ok.

that way, it looks more like my concern for her than me worrying about her doing things behind my back.....therefore i dont appear weak, just compassionate...but also letting her know i notice something

perhaps that will make her talk and give me a better read on her , what do you guys think?

 

[Malcontent]

wouldnt say its low interest, we still have great sex multiple times every weekend we spend together.

i dominate her in bed and give her things shes new to and other guys are intimidated by....bondage, sadomasochism, squirting orgasms...etc

when shes with me, she makes it clear thru her actions that shes complelety in love.....always grabs my hand and leans on shoiulder, wants me to meet all of her family...wakes me up with *******s, confirms that shes my slut in bed, etc

we actually just booked a trip to peru together, so we are both invested here

but we do spend the weekdays apart and once in a while she'll disappear for a few hours on one of those days. i never question it...i just get cold and stoic

perhaps ill have to look furthr into implementing boundaries....but shouldnt being open and honest be automatically assumed by forming a "commited" relationship

weve dated over 6 months, and although she'd been asking if she was my girlfriend 4 months ago....i told her i wasnt ready.

so it wasnt until 3 weeks ago i decided i wanted to keep this girl in my life and make it official.

oneitis maybe,but as a package she is higher value than any girl ive ever been with.

Sounds like my BPD ex. "Loved" the hell out of me when she wasn't doing something shady.

 

[The Duke]

we actually just booked a trip to peru together, so we are both invested here

There were 3 different girls I dated that I booked trips with:yes:.... the first one I didn't end up going on because the girl that was so into me changed her mind, so I pissed away a bunch of money.

The second trip I had insurance on so when our relationship ended before the trip, I wasn't out a whole lot.

The third trip I made the girl pay for it all. It didn't exactly go as planned either. She decided the morning of the trip that she would rather go by herself then proceeded to beg me to come see her 2 days into "her" trip.

The "trip" you guys have planned doesn't mean schitt amigo. :nono:

 

[speed dawg]

jazzpur, you are giving a lot of qualifiers in your post and going above and beyond to try and convince that 'this is a good situation, but.....'. Bottom line, she walks/talks like a cheater with very low IL. She's throwing sh*t tests at you and you're failing like crazy. This one's likely over unless you re-attach your balls soon.

 

[Vulpine]

Sounds like my BPD ex. "Loved" the hell out of me when she wasn't doing something shady.

I was thinking the exact same thing.

My BPD ex's "disappearing acts" were when she would go to her coke dealer dude's place and "party".

Oh, boy, did she keep insisting I'm the greatest thing in her world, though. I imagine having a "vibrator with a wallet" at home is the greatest thing in any woman's world.

Ultimately, her actions didn't align with her words: you don't even pull "disappearing acts" on people you like, much less claim to "love". Lesson learned. The OP's not happy with the treatment, and that is reason enough... hell, it's THE only reason needed to spin more plates.

You don't keep a cancer in your body simply because you are "attached to it" or "it loves me". No, you cut that toxic sh¡t out of your life for your health. It's truly fascinating to watch the scarcity myth working in men's worlds. Cancer isn't scarce, unhappiness isn't scarce, yet toxic women who make men miserable are?
:nono:
My BPD ex was wild in the sack, gave me the "you're the best ever" lines, and was the perfect actress in the same ways the OP outlines. So similar, in fact, I almost want a description.

what is the most alpha way to put your foot down when you feel a girl is doing something on a regular basis behind your back?

Live better.
I have a hard boundary that is always established early in a relationship: "if you aren't sharing, you're cheating." If I want a bite of her food, I get it. If I want a sip of her drink, I get it. If I want to know what's she's up to, I get it. If she's not sharing, she's cheating: she's getting something you aren't. Be it pleasure from a ****tail she's not sharing, or pleasure from a lesbian lover she's not sharing, it makes no difference. These actions, these "keep to myself" sorts of behavior, are indicative of someone with an agenda that is not "cooperative". That is, they are "adversarial" actions. Stop ƒucking women that aren't on your team. Go make new friends, ones whose actions align with their words, perhaps even ƒuck them.

If you can't trust your woman, there is no relationship. Once the trust is gone, it's done, over... trust never "comes back". You may claim to "trust her", but you'll always have doubts. Trust your gut and make moves to be happier. It's fine to acknowledge that some people, by their actions, aren't trustworthy. Oops, now deal with it.

 

[jazzpur]

heres more from last night:

you guys are beginning to convince me she has BPD, she does have many of the symptoms. she also never had a father in her life...so sometimes i think she almost craves some abandonment because it feels "normal" to her.

shes extremely sexual compared to most women, often bragging about the guys in her past being intimidated by her drive. but ive introduced her to sex shes never experienced and she certainly cherishes me for it, with actions...not just words

maybe im trying to convince myself that im just being paranoid... nonoetheless, you guys are showing me to move foward much more cautiously and be ready to cut her loose

there just has to be a course of action prior to fallout, to let her know she'll loose me if she continues the behavior, i just dont know how to implement it without lowering my value

she doesnt see my insecurities about this matter at this point, that is why im here to vent my frustrations as not to show her any of this concern and screw my head on straight before doing anything about it

 

[jazzpur]

i found a good window to implement boundaries.

she made mention of a reoccurring fantasy of bringing another girl in bed.. so i rewarded her fantasy with some praise. but then she withdrew and she said she didnt like the idea of me ****ing another girl.

she then asked "do you want to **** other women? i want to know we are commited."

so from there i brought up the bounderies of cheating and that i would not tolerate it. and if she wanted to stray that she be upfront about it, be it male or female.

god only knows if it solidified anything but it felt good to draw a line in the sand

 

[Reyaj]

i found a good window to implement boundaries.

she made mention of a reoccurring fantasy of bringing another girl in bed.. so i rewarded her fantasy with some praise. but then she withdrew and she said she didnt like the idea of me ****ing another girl.

she then asked "do you want to **** other women? i want to know we are commited."

so from there i brought up the bounderies of cheating and that i would not tolerate it. and if she wanted to stray that she be upfront about it, be it male or female.

god only knows if it solidified anything but it felt good to draw a line in the sand

This chick sounds like a slvt... Is her pvssy loose or tight?

 

[Alvafe]

This chick sounds like a slvt... Is her pvssy loose or tight?

means little really, I had some girl who was "well used", you know that moment you jsut want to raise teh girl number you want to bang not quality, and she was tight.

what I would do is when she do this disapearing things I would ask serious why sometimes you disapear like this, if she counter with another question, evade the question, or says not to worry, guess its time for you take up her offer for a 3some and after downgrade her for a dirty crazy FWB, if you can keep your emotional off from ehr if not move on, peace of mind is far more important then being in a ltr with someone