How do I Win Her Back?

[PRMoon]

Cut her loose dude. You're young, she's young, I'm sure you both think you're in love an you've found the one but trust me when I say that there's always more then one.

So you established something special with this person and you're having anxiety caused by the distance between you in addition to breaking up with her. Congradulations, you're human like the rest of us. Learn to hold deep in your heart that with each passing day you grow stronger in yourself and the end of one chapter is the beginning of another. Cherish the memories of your past relationship but realize it's as dead as your great-great-grandma. There is however the memory and another "relative" called the friend you use to date and you can still carry on something with (and have the occasional sexual encoutner with...maybe) but take it no further.

You're doing yourself a grave injustice by not getting out there and experiencing more of the single life as you age. It's like wine, it gets so much better and fuller as you progress. If you find this person again in the future and you have another set of strong feelings, THEN revisit. Till then just let it play out man. Forcing things goes against the flow of life.

 

[deadspace]

let your heart tell you what's best for you. Now I realize that this LDR isn't going to work. On a rational level, you're probably already aware that there are a lot of difficulties. But if at any time, it seems worthwhile for you to pursue this girl, then just do it.

You make some great points. I think in this case, the distance makes the heart grow fonder, but also makes the pain worse because it's so easy for me to fly/drive up and see her. If I don't see her, it'll be easier to get over and live life "offstage" as you say. I totally understand what you're saying, and eventually, yes, I probably will keep in touch with her. Just not so immediately as she's thinking can happen. The friendship was a huge foundation for us, and that's probably what threw me for a loop. The feelings grew for both, except it stopped for her, and I was left hanging. Isn't this the case when you get 'dumped'?? How can a girl just turn off her feelings like that? Is it just girls turn off emotionally before the break up? It seems like guys will 'just do it' and are more likely to be convinced to get back together than the other way around.

It's so cliche, but better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved before. I'm just waiting for my turn to get the love and never lose.

 

[dannyegg4575]

"How can a girl just turn off her feelings like that? Is it just girls turn off emotionally before the break up? It seems like guys will 'just do it' and are more likely to be convinced to get back together than the other way around."

They didn't just turn it off. It's an accumulations of all the things that went wrong around her. It does seem to be that guys are more easily convinced to go back because guys don't have as much options as girls do. When guys have lots of options, then, he doesn't need to go back. She will beg on her knees when she knew she'd lost the power.

Us guys, we don't do that. We don't hang around or leave the woman hanging. when we are ready to move on, we just move on, unless we're pussies... But women do that, they leave us hanging on while they go and try out the new guy until their ego is shot through the roof and suck all the juice out of our self esteem.

 

[tick37]

Without reading, I'll bet that every single person here told you to forget this chick and stop trying. (confirmed). People around here are predictable.

I tell people in this situation, you need to follow your heart. Now don't get confused, that doesn't mean chase after every single possibility of love. What I'm saying is, let your heart tell you what's best for you. Now I realize that this LDR isn't going to work. On a rational level, you're probably already aware that there are a lot of difficulties. But if at any time, it seems worthwhile for you to pursue this girl, then just do it. What's the point of living life if you don't live a life that excites you. You need to do what feels right.

Now let me add a HUGE caveat here. Think of a play: there's action onstage, which is often very simple. Meanwhile, everyone offstage is scurrying around, getitng the next act ready, changing, and preparing makeup and so forth. If your heart says to stay in touch with this girl, try to talk to her on stage. Do what your heart says on stage. But off stage, do everything you can to get over this girl. Change your heart off stage, but follow it in the moment. That is the only way to live a full life, but direct your life in a more fruitful path than draining LDRs.

But if you're still benefiting, then why not stay? The worst that can happen from pursuing her is that you end up in the exact same place. I've done it, and I learned so many great lessons from following my heart. I would never do anything differently. If your heart says forget her, forget her! If it says to chase, then enjoy it, and work off stage - hang out with friends, get lots of massages, eat blueberries, feed birds in the park, and enjoy sunrises and pancakes with your family. Make your life good, and your heart will forget this chick if she's not as good as the maple syrup.

Izza

Don't listen to this junk. When a girl doesn't want you, the only thing you can do is make things worse by pursuing. Chasing makes them run. All you can do is nothing. When a person backs off in a relationship or goes their separate way, it's a natural response of the other person to chase. When one chases the other feels suffocated or caged because why would someone who feels great about themselves chase and latch on? They do it because they don't feel great, and it's a huge turn off to the fleeing person. The opposite (180) is always what helps in this case. If one person backs off, the other person should back off as well. This will release all of the tension on the exiting person, and they will be left wondering and amazed at the other person's strength.

You've got to know that your a great person and not get it from some chick because when a woman sees that your getting your strength from her, it's a huge turn off. Don't be stripped of your dignity by chasing.

 

[BlackJackal]

Guys, thanks for the support. I've been doing well with NC ever since taking people's advice here. Just yesterday, she called and left a voicemail. For Christmas, I gave her a set of really nice earrings(~$300) which at the time(obviously) our feelings were mutual and deserved. She wants to know if I now want them back and said she would understand if I did. I didn't respond yet. The heart-broken/angry side of me wants to take everything back from her, while the 'nice guy' side says to let her keep them since they were given as a token of my feelings. I'm torn. What's best for me and my sanity??

I say delete the message and not say anything.

 

[dannyegg4575]

ditto to this...

"Don't listen to this junk. When a girl doesn't want you, the only thing you can do is make things worse by pursuing. Chasing makes them run. All you can do is nothing. When a person backs off in a relationship or goes their separate way, it's a natural response of the other person to chase. When one chases the other feels suffocated or caged because why would someone who feels great about themselves chase and latch on. They do it because they don't feel great, and it's a huge turn off to the fleeing person. The opposite (180) is always what helps in this case. If one person backs off, the other person should back off as well. This will release all of the tension on the exiting person, and they will be left wondering and amazed at the other person's strength."

I think Izza should be quarantined and ship to etheopia....

 

[deadspace]

If one person backs off, the other person should back off as well. This will release all of the tension on the exiting person, and they will be left wondering and amazed at the other person's strength."

Totally understand and agree. I've been sleeping well the past week, and the anxiety I've been feeling for whatever reason, is gone. I was civil about the earrings situation and just texted back to keep them. They were a gift and she should keep them. After a few back-n-forth texts, she said ok. No contact since.

But one thing...I really would like to keep in touch with her at some point because we do get along. Each situation being different, but when would it be appropriate? I think I may know the answer being, "whenever I can no longer feel the urge to pursue a relationship with her". I don't know if that is really ever the case with anyone who was previously in a relationship that ended in this way. Getting rejected sucks and am I just asking for more trouble and become a head-case if I pursue a friendship months from now? Maybe I should just find myself another 21 year old to get her out of my system.

 

[izza]

Don't listen to this junk. When a girl doesn't want you, the only thing you can do is make things worse by pursuing. Chasing makes them run. All you can do is nothing. When a person backs off in a relationship or goes their separate way, it's a natural response of the other person to chase. When one chases the other feels suffocated or caged because why would someone who feels great about themselves chase and latch on? They do it because they don't feel great, and it's a huge turn off to the fleeing person. The opposite (180) is always what helps in this case. If one person backs off, the other person should back off as well. This will release all of the tension on the exiting person, and they will be left wondering and amazed at the other person's strength.

You've got to know that your a great person and not get it from some chick because when a woman sees that your getting your strength from her, it's a huge turn off. Don't be stripped of your dignity by chasing.

Tick you can think of it as junk if you like. I think you should note the essential difference between our points of view. Read your objections very carefully. You say, pursuing "is a huge turn off." "If one backs off the other should back off as well."

And your final statement is "Don't be stripped of your dignity by chasing."

Basically what you're saying is, "if you pursue you won't get the girl." Obviously, the truth of this depends on the context. But let's take a step back and look at the criteria by which you judged what I'm saying: whether or not you impress the girl.

If you go back and read my post carefully, you will note that nowhere is it my goal or intention to impress or keep the girl, or concern myself with "what works."

Maybe by backing off when she backs off, you can manipulate the situation and her insecurities. I really doubt you will "amaze" her with your planned passivity, however. In any case, I don't doubt you have lots of experience doing this or else you wouldn't give this advice.

In any case, I am not talking about what works in terms of getting the girl. You seem to be forgetting: getting women is really not that difficult. The real question I'm asking here is what does your heart tell you to do? I am willing to bet that if we listen carefully to our hearts, our hearts will not counsel us to "lose our dignity" when that is the wrong thing to do.

Then again, I think part of living life on your own terms - and not hers or anyone else's - is just doing what your heart really wants. Sometimes your heart will say follow her, other times it says let her go. Sometimes it says keep your dignity, sometimes it says this will be embarrassing but it's the right thing to do.

That is strong, that is direct, that is mature - following your heart is the key to happiness.

And I know what you're wondering - yes, yes, but will following your heart get you chicks? Good fvcking lord!!! I know you're probably not aware how supplicative your post sounded to me. I truly hope you don't think that way in real life. Honestly, it's a really sad way to think and I've been there.

If that mentality of following what you want - and not some sort of strategem - is why I should be banned to Ethiopia, that's ok cuz I love Ethiopian food.

But honestly, if a chick doesn't like you when you do what you want - it is really a lot easier to let her go than if you're left wondering "what if this, and what if that."

The goal of my post was not to get the chick or drop the chick. The goal of the post is to give advice that helps you improve your skills overall. Your skills always benefit when you practice doing what you really want to do.

Izza

 

[Blue Phoenix]

Deadspace go to this link:
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=140248

Be careful, you might not know what comes from the heart and what comes from the ego.