How do I stop trying to impress girls and being needy?

[nelysses]

Congrats, the first step to fix is problem is to accept you have one. Now, the next step is reflecting on why are you needy with girls and try to impress them? I assume you don't do that with guys.

How was your childhood upbringing? Did you have a needy mom? Did she use you as emotional tampon? Were you dad passive or even was he there? You may have a fear of abandonment, like when you were a child you needed to impress mommy for her to give you love and attention, did you compete with siblings for mommy's love?

You're that way cause of your childhood, you need to develop three strong pillars, financial, physical and emotional. When a girl doesn't pay attention to you or gets away, does it give you anxiety? It means you fear the same abandonment as a child from your mother.

Having that programing for 20+ years, will not change in a couple of months, it will take a couple of years of you doing the hard work to rewrite your mind, and truly believing if a girl doesn't like you, it doesn't matter, cause you're not a child who will not be abandoned by mommy.

First of all it is a long paragraph so i will use translator. I hope you can understand man.

Mostly no, but in some ways yes.
I grew up in a very good family.
Contrary to what you said, my family would do anything for me and we had no problems. In fact, I would distance myself from them. I would like to play computer instead.
I didn't know why, I wanted freedom and loneliness since my childhood.
My only problem was that my classes were actually very good. One day, my teacher came and told my father to send me to a better school because I had so much potential.
So my father got another job and sent me to private school.

They directed me to many sports such as swimming, volleyball and basketball. But they always wanted me to be better in studies. When I got 9 correct in a 10-question exam, they asked me why not 10.
Even though I owe everything to them, this is the only thing I don't like.

And about that fear. It's not about girls. I just like attract attention.
As I wrote above, my mother was a very good mother. And I was never afraid that she would leave us or that she and my father would divorce.
I am not afraid of a girl moving away from me. Anyone can come and go in my life.
But I don't know if it's because I was such a shy person as a child. I started to love the attention.

By the way, I can accept that someone doesn't like me. I've been rejected before. But sometimes someone comes along and you want them your whole life.

 

[corrector]

Actually I didn't tried anything. But I don't think redpill is fully good for me. Before this forum I looked for some redpill videos and articles but they all was like "Women don't have emotions, they use you, don't attach them bla bla" Some of them ara okey but My parents are still married after 25 years
One day my father lost his job and they didn't broke up. according to redpill guys My mother should have gone to another man etc. Also I love talking and laughing too much and one redpill guy says me I'm not alpha, alphas don't laugh too much and women don't like you if you laugh too much bla bla. This is just my character man
So for me relationships in reel life is different from that theories.
But with this girl. I don't know man. I really want a love story with her but she is with an other guy. There are too many questions in my head.
I was very passive at the beginning. I just looked and now I always think If i was active and go talk could we be together..

but on the other hand, as I say I want her but also I want her to be happy... I don't know man.

By the way did you really joined forum in 2009?? I borned in 2003 .D

When you can do what I did. When she's alone and not with the other guy, like just approach her and ask if you can sit beside her. That's what I did with in my other thread. Make sure you sit literally right next to her if you sit with her.

I joined the forum since 2005, so techncially you were 2 years old. But it doesn't matter. We are all looking for love stories. I at least had something that was like that in 2012 from an ex-gf that I met online back in March, 2012. I also have a marriage in 2014 that lasted for a few months. Then when it didn't work out I like went with a prostitute and had like a serious mental breakdown afterwards. Anyway, I'm now employed with a salaried job that has social dynamics within the office akin to high school drama, which is why there has been allot of resonation between your world and mine despite the massive age gap differences.

 

[nelysses]

When you can do what I did. When she's alone and not with the other guy, like just approach her and ask if you can sit beside her. That's what I did with in my other thread. Make sure you sit literally right next to her if you sit with her.

I joined the forum since 2005, so techncially you were 2 years old. But it doesn't matter. We are all looking for love stories. I at least had something that was like that in 2012 from an ex-gf that I met online back in March, 2012. I also have a marriage in 2014 that lasted for a few months. Then when it didn't work out I like went with a prostitute and had like a serious mental breakdown afterwards. Anyway, I'm now employed with a salaried job that has social dynamics within the office akin to high school drama, which is why there has been allot of resonation between your world and mine despite the massive age gap differences.

I have known the girl for 4 years. Once upon a time, everyone in the class was talking about me. According to them, I was trying every girl. Because of this, I was afraid to talk to the girl. But unfortunately we won't be in the same class next year. He fails the class because his grades are bad. We just say good morning and chat for 1-2 minutes in between. Sometimes I open a topic but it doesn't continue. So we don't see each other outside of school right now. This bothers me too, but there's nothing I can do. I guess I just decided to let it flow a little more. I'll try to be more relaxed.

Actually, I thought I was too late for such things (I was playing games while everyone was socializing and sociality is still a little far from me), but at this point you inspired me. Thank you man.
I hope everything will be okay.
As John Lennon said: “Everything will be okay in the end. "If it's not okay, it's not the end."

 

[corrector]

We just say good morning and chat for 1-2 minutes in between.

Dude, that's great! Seriously, guys pay for that type of sh1t on OF (ie not me). You at least have a connection and decent interaction with her. That in and of itself is worth its weight in gold. Appreciate what you have there.

How is the quality of interaction with her? Does she enthusistically say good morning to you or is she expecting that interaction from you?
Do you have her text or number so you can say good night to each other too?

You don't know what you have if you don't value that precious interaction.

Sometimes I open a topic but it doesn't continue.

It does not matter. You had an interaction. It doesn't have to be long. How about hugging each other when saying "good morning":? Is she open to hugging you?

So we don't see each other outside of school right now.

Did you ask her out?

This bothers me too, but there's nothing I can do. I guess I just decided to let it flow a little more. I'll try to be more relaxed.

I'm very happy for you that you at least have that interaction with her. Honestly, it's better than nothing.

Just try more kino or leading towards hugging. You'll feel better about it if you can hug her up within the interaction. Maybe if she likes hugging you, she'll open up to you more as well and it will be easier to ask her out. I notice that if I manage to hug a lady I like, at least in the past, that she really opened up to me in a nice way.

Actually, I thought I was too late for such things (I was playing games while everyone was socializing and sociality is still a little far from me), but at this point you inspired me. Thank you man.
I hope everything will be okay.
As John Lennon said: “Everything will be okay in the end. "If it's not okay, it's not the end."

Your are welcome! Glad my presence on this board is doing some good in other threads.

 

[nelysses]

Your dad was a plowhorse, I'm guessing he didn't teach you about socializing, he never went out with you alone and taught you about girls and how to interact with them, cause he was busy working his a$$ off for his family and your mother was there majority of the time. Welcome, you're not alone.

Actually not. My dad was trying but I wasn't like going out. and He didn't force me to anything. He is very very social and he always tried me to be social. Also He still says better to being more social but I was always rejecting to go out.
One day he said me "I was going out and watching girls with my friends when im at your ages, Why you wasting your time with your pc. Let's go out and make something together..." But as i say I was just doing nothing.
It looks he knows everybody in this city We go out together and while walking too many people come and say hello us but I couldn't do it. I wasted all of my time with my pc or lessons etc.
So he accepted this is my personality and he can't change me. But now I want to socialize but I don't know how.
He was working from 8 to 16 like every person. Then he were with us whole evening but I as i say i was just playing games from my pc.
That times I was happy but now I'm not

 

[nelysses]

Your dad was a plowhorse, I'm guessing he didn't teach you about socializing, he never went out with you alone and taught you about girls and how to interact with them, cause he was busy working his a$$ off for his family and your mother was there majority of the time. Welcome, you're not alone.

But this is right my dad didn't teach me about interacting girls. But it's because they married early. He was loving my mom, Then he went üniversity at another city. He didn't dated with anybody here. After university he went to military service. My mon waited her and they married.
So Two of them didn't dated with anybody.

 

[nelysses]

Dude, that's great! Seriously, guys pay for that type of sh1t on OF (ie not me). You at least have a connection and decent interaction with her. That in and of itself is worth its weight in gold. Appreciate what you have there.

How is the quality of interaction with her? Does she enthusistically say good morning to you or is she expecting that interaction from you?
Do you have her text or number so you can say good night to each other too?

You don't know what you have if you don't value that precious interaction.



It does not matter. You had an interaction. It doesn't have to be long. How about hugging each other when saying "good morning":? Is she open to hugging you?



Did you ask her out?



I'm very happy for you that you at least have that interaction with her. Honestly, it's better than nothing.

Just try more kino or leading towards hugging. You'll feel better about it if you can hug her up within the interaction. Maybe if she likes hugging you, she'll open up to you more as well and it will be easier to ask her out. I notice that if I manage to hug a lady I like, at least in the past, that she really opened up to me in a nice way.



Your are welcome! Glad my presence on this board is doing some good in other threads.

I didn't asked her out and it's my only regret about this girl. Because she didn't rejected me. I was rejected myself..
Because she doesn't look open. For Example if i don't say gm she doesn't say..

 

[corrector]

I didn't asked her out and it's my only regret about this girl. Because she didn't rejected me. I was rejected myself..
Because she doesn't look open. For Example if i don't say gm she doesn't say..

That doesn't sound right. I guess it makes your day nicer to have any type of contact with her right? It's a bit humilating when you have to open a girl all the time and she never opens or she opens with another guy. I don't think that she would have gone out with you if she's not open to you now the way you are describing her. There is a chance she may have said something nice like "maybe" or "I'm very busy, etc..." so that you wouldn't feel bad, so in that sense, a girl who is friendly with you isn't going to be harsh. However, you'll see how she responds to other guys who she is attracted to and you'll come around and realize you didn't have a chance in the first place, so you didn't reject yourself as you are thinking.

I had a girl just like that that I asked out the other day and she said maybe. If I don't say hi to her, she's not going to come and say hi to me. (ie except that one time the day before yesterday where she did....but it was a chance encounter that even took me by surprize). I got it out of my chest that I asked her out. All you would have done is get it out of your chest too, it don't mean she would have said yes.

But, seeing how you are feeling about it, at least I had that moment where I laid my feelings bare. It's all on that other thread about the Cringe Lunch Social Experiment. It seems to have some users critical about my commitment to self-improvement, but not everyone feels that way. Feel free to read that thread and post on it if you would like. Your feedback, like mine on here, would be appreciated.

 

[Bingo-Player]

You are doinh job interviews where you are dependent upon "miss p00sy CEO" to hire you for a minimum wage.

Made me laugh loud

 

[FlexpertHamilton]

I know the title is ridiculous but for some reason it sounds like girls don't want boys and only us as boys want them.

That's why I feel like I'm trying to impress someone, pick them up, rather than having a relationship with someone. And of course it usually fails. Because I act too needy. But I can't get over it.

We had the same experience with the last girl I liked. The girl's personality is not like me at all, and on top of that, she is not very interested in me. Therefore, I feel like I need to make an effort for it. Like I have to convince him.
I can't accept that we are both different characters and that if we are for each other, we will have a relationship, if not, we won't.

I heard recently that she has a boyfriend. In fact, she would even go to the gym with her boyfriend so that she wouldn't talk to others.
So I know Girls hav emotions too But how can i fix that with me?

Your post isn't ridiculous, it's honest and sincere. Every man on earth tries to impress women, and people in general. We are social creatures who seek approval from others, it's hardwired in our genes. Any guy who claims to "not care" probably cares just as much if not more than anyone else. If we didn't care about others opinions, we'd live in cardboard boxes and wear old rags for clothing.

To answer your question more directly, once you stop pedestalizing women and start viewing them for what they are solipsistic, emotionally volatile children in adult bodies, you won't care much about impressing them anymore.

 

[BPH]

You can solve 99% of the problems you're describing by turning off the computer, going to the gym, and talking to girls in person.

This thread is one part overanalysis, and one part coddling, neither of which is beneficial to you.

 

[nelysses]

You can solve 99% of the problems you're describing by turning off the computer, going to the gym, and talking to girls in person.

This thread is one part overanalysis, and one part coddling, neither of which is beneficial to you.

Last night I was trying to learn how to talk to the girl I like by reading books and articles. I was planning the perfect place, time and conversation.
But today I saw that girl with another man. While I was afraid to even talk to the girl, someone took the girl. And probably guy doesn't know anything about this forum and redpill and the books about masculanity.

I'll be honest, I was angry at you. But I realized that the reason I'm angry is because you're actually telling the truth. I thought I would learn how to talk to girls by reading these topics, but I had to learn by trying. And even if I get rejected, at least I was could say I tried. But I didn't.. because I didn't call her for a coffee.. So yes, I'm giving up on that girl I deified and going out.

I have 2 last honest question. As I said before, I am studying at a university in a place with a population of 20k. There are no social events to meet people. Everyone sits in cafes and drinks coffee. Where do you think I can meet people? I'm just looking for someone to go and say hello. Not specifically for girls. Generally, I can't find anyone to go and socialize with.

And the 2nd: Is it okay to go and say "Hi I liked you bla bla" and want instagram" when I like a girl in a coffee. I don't wanna look for tactics or something.

By the was I'm fat now because of my injury. So shouldn't I try any girl until I lose weight? I'm 185 cm and 105 kg now.

 

[nelysses]

Sit in a cafe, drink coffee while visibly reading 'The Joy of Sex'.

these guys don't know english man suggest something in turkish please D

 

[BPH]

I'll be honest, I was angry at you. But I realized that the reason I'm angry is because you're actually telling the truth.

Good. Now we're getting somewhere.

I have 2 last honest question. As I said before, I am studying at a university in a place with a population of 20k. There are no social events to meet people. Everyone sits in cafes and drinks coffee. Where do you think I can meet people? I'm just looking for someone to go and say hello. Not specifically for girls. Generally, I can't find anyone to go and socialize with.

You'll have to figure it out.

I don't know how to Turkey is, but I live in the 2nd smallest state in my country, Delaware. There aren't many good bars, there are zero clubs, and you generally have to drive pretty far for a good time.

When I was younger, I would cold approach girls at the local mall, or at this beach my family would visit each year for vacation. That way, if I failed, it was never an issue because I rarely saw the same person again.

These last 2 weekends I drove almost an hour each way, both weekends, just to SEE if I liked the nightlife at this other place enough to regularly make the trip and meet women.

All this to say, you have to figure it out. Find out where girls go at night in your area, and simply be there.

And the 2nd: Is it okay to go and say "Hi I liked you bla bla" and want instagram" when I like a girl in a coffee. I don't wanna look for tactics or something.

I'm gonna advise you to only ask for the phone number.

Not Snapchat.

Not Instagram.

Not their f***ing email.

Phone number. Anything else is generally a "polite rejection". I've actually had girls compliment me on having the balls to ask for their phone number because they're used to guys being pansies and asking for one of those other things instead.

And don't focus on JUST getting the phone number. Have a conversation first, flirt, see how she reacts, and if you think it's going well then ask for the phone number. If it's going REALLY WELL, also be able to see that, and DON'T ask for the phone number and leave, because you might be able to go further if you keep things going. I've seen plenty of guys shoot themselves in the foot because the girl is all over them, but they don't have the confidence to ask them to leave with them, and self-eject by asking for the phone number.

By the was I'm fat now because of my injury. So shouldn't I try any girl until I lose weight? I'm 185 cm and 105 kg now.

So the positive: You're taller than 6 feet. Regardless of what anybody says as cope, that is OBJECTIVELY an advantage.

You're also about 230lbs. Maybe a bit overweight, but really not that bad. Just go to the gym, do a little cardio, eat a little better, and you'll put yourself in a much stronger position.

Sit in a cafe, drink coffee while visibly reading 'The Joy of Sex'.

Don't do this. I don't mean any offense to Amsterdam, but he's a bit eccentric and it's hard to tell when he's being serious as some of his advice is corny...he's an older man living in the Netherlands with an eyepatch and a parrot or a cat. He's going to appeal to a VERY specific type of woman, and likely not the type you're trying to attract.

 

[nelysses]

Good. Now we're getting somewhere.



You'll have to figure it out.

I don't know how to Turkey is, but I live in the 2nd smallest state in my country, Delaware. There aren't many good bars, there are zero clubs, and you generally have to drive pretty far for a good time.

When I was younger, I would cold approach girls at the local mall, or at this beach my family would visit each year for vacation. That way, if I failed, it was never an issue because I rarely saw the same person again.

These last 2 weekends I drove almost an hour each way, both weekends, just to SEE if I liked the nightlife at this other place enough to regularly make the trip and meet women.

All this to say, you have to figure it out. Find out where girls go at night in your area, and simply be there.



I'm gonna advise you to only ask for the phone number.

Not Snapchat.

Not Instagram.

Not their f***ing email.

Phone number. Anything else is generally a "polite rejection". I've actually had girls compliment me on having the balls to ask for their phone number because they're used to guys being pansies and asking for one of those other things instead.

And don't focus on JUST getting the phone number. Have a conversation first, flirt, see how she reacts, and if you think it's going well then ask for the phone number. If it's going REALLY WELL, also be able to see that, and DON'T ask for the phone number and leave, because you might be able to go further if you keep things going. I've seen plenty of guys shoot themselves in the foot because the girl is all over them, but they don't have the confidence to ask them to leave with them, and self-eject by asking for the phone number.



So the positive: You're taller than 6 feet. Regardless of what anybody says as cope, that is OBJECTIVELY an advantage.

You're also about 230lbs. Maybe a bit overweight, but really not that bad. Just go to the gym, do a little cardio, eat a little better, and you'll put yourself in a much stronger position.



Don't do this. I don't mean any offense to Amsterdam, but he's a bit eccentric and it's hard to tell when he's being serious as some of his advice is corny...he's an older man living in the Netherlands with an eyepatch and a parrot or a cat. He's going to appeal to a VERY specific type of woman, and likely not the type you're trying to attract.

I went on vacation and did what you said. I used to read books about picking up women. But as I went out, I realized that most books are actually useless.
I thought I had social phobia. Actually, I don't have as many phobias as I thought. I wasn't just going out
Still, I didn't like Club-style environments very much.

Staying in my small city after the holidays will be boring and lonely, but at least I realized that the problem is not books and theoretical knowledge.
It is better to go and talk instead of reading books on how to approach women. Even if the result is negative, it's better

Thank you man.

 

[BPH]

I went on vacation and did what you said. I used to read books about picking up women. But as I went out, I realized that most books are actually useless.
I thought I had social phobia. Actually, I don't have as many phobias as I thought. I wasn't just going out
Still, I didn't like Club-style environments very much.

Staying in my small city after the holidays will be boring and lonely, but at least I realized that the problem is not books and theoretical knowledge.
It is better to go and talk instead of reading books on how to approach women. Even if the result is negative, it's better

Thank you man.

Always good to see people who are willing to listen and act on advice rather than come here to have their woes validated, good on you.

As far as approaching women, yeah, you're just gonna suck at it for a while, but then you get good at having conversations, reading nonverbal cues, flirting, knowing when to isolate her, etc. And you won't have to think about it, it'll just come natural.

As far as your city, the easy fix is to just move somewhere else after you're done school. But if it's really that bad, you might have to do what I do and just really go out of your way to meet women.

In either case, glad I could help.

 

[nelysses]

Always good to see people who are willing to listen and act on advice rather than come here to have their woes validated, good on you.

As far as approaching women, yeah, you're just gonna suck at it for a while, but then you get good at having conversations, reading nonverbal cues, flirting, knowing when to isolate her, etc. And you won't have to think about it, it'll just come natural.

As far as your city, the easy fix is to just move somewhere else after you're done school. But if it's really that bad, you might have to do what I do and just really go out of your way to meet women.

In either case, glad I could help.

Actually not that bad. As i say I'm in med school. So After 4 years I will earn my money. and also I can be in a bigger city. But that day I will be in 26 so I don't know it feels old
I think I should gain more experience with women. I will try to do my best thanks.

And about conversations and nonverbal cues, I have a book aboud Body Language. That isn't about girls, It's for everybody. Should I try the things that I learnt from book?
So Both of us think I should gain more experience with women But should I read books about sociality? For Example Everybody suggested me "Art of Seduction" or some books about influence people.

 

[zekko]

Lol, the whole thing about PUA Theory has always been about trying to impress women. Trying to impress women by not trying to impress them. Or by "being in state" (which is kind of like being a dancing monkey), or "negging" them, or trying to act like a jerk, or whatever.

 

[BPH]

Actually not that bad. As i say I'm in med school. So After 4 years I will earn my money. and also I can be in a bigger city. But that day I will be in 26 so I don't know it feels old
I think I should gain more experience with women. I will try to do my best thanks.

And about conversations and nonverbal cues, I have a book aboud Body Language. That isn't about girls, It's for everybody. Should I try the things that I learnt from book?
So Both of us think I should gain more experience with women But should I read books about sociality? For Example Everybody suggested me "Art of Seduction" or some books about influence people.

You can if you want to, it won't hurt. But I can't think of a single piece of material I've ever read on this forum or anywhere else that I can actively recall and use when I'm talking to women.

In my opinion, it's best to learn by doing.

 

[nelysses]

You can if you want to, it won't hurt. But I can't think of a single piece of material I've ever read on this forum or anywhere else that I can actively recall and use when I'm talking to women.

In my opinion, it's best to learn by doing.

Actually, mine is the same. But even though information like "do this, act like this" is ridiculous, there were a few good things I found about masculinity and oneitis.
But on the other hand, if we assume that there are billions of women in the world, I think it is a bit ridiculous to talk about there being only one truth.