How do I stop obsessing?

[dudewut]

I got it! I figured it out! The reason why I am alone, and dont have a GF, not even an F-buddy (despite the fact that girls tell me I am handsome and my friends point out how sometimes girls stare at me etc.) is that I obsess about these things too much! Remember the movie 500 days of summer? Well obviously the AFC and beta behaviors of Tom was similar to mine, but he also had this idea that without love or the girl of his dreams he will never be happy. And just like a crack addict, love will find a way!

I am obsessed with love and sex, and approval so much that I did not really have the drive to be good at anything, to study, to learn, to get good grades. I am what you call a hopeless romantic. An obsessive romantic, in fact. I dont know who to blame in this case, but I do know one thing. I need to change.

What do? So obviously realizing the problem is the first step, but I dont know what to do next....therapy?

 

[Mr. Suave]

The reason you are alone and don't have a girlfriend has nothing to do with the fact that you have no drive to study. What it DOES have to do with, is your behaviour around women. In fact it's 100% to do with that. And to fix that, you have to first understand the problem in your behaviour (more importantly, mindset) and work on it.

But once again, the fact that you don't have a drive to get good grades etc, it means nothing and has no impact on your ability to pick up women. It's 100% your behaviour and actions.

When was the last time you made a move on a girl? I am sure that upon answering that question you will realize why you don't get anywhere with girls.

 

[dudewut]

The reason you are alone and don't have a girlfriend has nothing to do with the fact that you have no drive to study. What it DOES have to do with, is your behaviour around women. In fact it's 100% to do with that. And to fix that, you have to first understand the problem in your behaviour (more importantly, mindset) and work on it.

But once again, the fact that you don't have a drive to get good grades etc, it means nothing and has no impact on your ability to pick up women. It's 100% your behaviour and actions.

When was the last time you made a move on a girl? In that question your answer to why you can't get a gf may be found.

Good grades = good for me, if I am unwilling to do something good for me then there is obviously something wrong there.

I was merely making an example as to the extent of the obsession.

Although, thank you for pointing that out, its the behavior. And I guess my behavior of being obsessed seeps through my actions and is a turn off.

 

[Scars]

This is actually what we call narcissistic personality disorder. You want to be loved, praised, and acknowledge at all times, even though you never really do the same for other people. I bet you go through sprouts of ****iness and depression quite often, don't you?

It's good that you acknowledge it. But understand, that you're the type of person that probably doesn't feel "right" unless they are getting some sort of attention, especially FEMALE attention. It sounds like you just got back on your high horse, so you'll be alright. But the next time you get depressive just remember that "b!tches ain't ****". Really.

-Scars

 

[JPlaya]

bull, you need to have sex, so you can stop caring about it as much.

 

[h1v0lt4g3]

Go start working out.

What are your passions? Pick one and excel in it.

 

[dudewut]

But understand, that you're the type of person that probably doesn't feel "right" unless they are getting some sort of attention, especially FEMALE attention.

So....there is no cure?

And obviously there is something wrong with that! Attention whoring is for females!

 

[Mr. Suave]

And I guess my behavior of being obsessed seeps through my actions and is a turn off.

This is completely and utterly what it is. Listen to JPlaya he has it right... I think really what it is is desperation, NOT obsession... See sex addicts get sex a lot, and they're obsessed. But it's desperate behaviour which is a turn off to women and you may be displaying that sort of behaviour.

Work on that. Grades etc, that's to do with other parts of your life and "disregarding females" (like that image macro) to work on these other aspects will do nothing in terms of getting you laid.

Reread my question:

When was the last time you made a move on a girl? In that question your answer to why you can't get a gf may be found.

I asked you this, because many men NEVER make moves on girls, then wonder why they are virgins or can't get laid. If you don't make moves then you can't expect to get laid. Similar to guys who never leave their house, haven't even spoken to a girl in 5 years, then complain they "suck with women"... Well no they just haven't tried. If you never went to the grocery store would you expect your fridge to magically fill itself up? No, you gotta actually get out there and try to make things happen in order for them to happen.

Perhaps you DO make moves, but if you don't, then consider that before thinking you are "hopeless with women", and then make an effort to actually make a move on a girl, then see if you're still clueless in Seattle.

 

[floydb25]

It's more simple than you think. Realize that there's nothing special about anyone. Don't place women or relationships on a pedestal. Get the fantasy romance out of your mind, and get your head out of the clouds. Don't become so infatuated with someone or something to the point where you become blinded to reality. The perfect person doesn't exist outside of your own mind.

Don't depend on other people to make you happy. They can't. This creates co-dependency and desperation. It's also why you become obsessive, and possibly needy, clingy, etc. This is very unhealthy, and will destroy your chances of having a relationship. Which, ironically, will make you even MORE obsessive and depressed.

Just understand that everyone is flawed, normal, and nothing special. Having a crush on someone doesn't change this. It only blinds you to who they really are. So, you view them as perfect initially - then as worthless down the line. Neither is true. You just placed them so high up on the pedestal that it all came crashing down once reality hit. Black and white thinking is another mistake.

Edit to add: don't focus every moment of your life on women! Have a life, and focus on YOURSELF. When you DO get involved with someone - you will lose yourself to them. Then, you will go right back to feeling empty and unhappy once they leave. Even moreso than before. You also won't attract ANYONE by making them your sole purpose of existence.

 

[sexysuave]

Some pretty good posts above, I hope you're paying attention..

Also, why didn't you answer the question? You answered everything else but ignored that question, what gives? Let us know, when is the last time you made a move on a girl?

I mean, lol, Geez.. do something man!! I can't tell you how many times I've been out with people and some guys would ask me, "so what's your secret, how do you get them".. ummmm, did you not see me talk to like 15 girls in the last hour?? ANd when I tell 'em.. "go talk to that girl man, she's hot"... usual response is "ummm, naa man, I'll let them talk to me if they're interested"... great.. that's working out real well for ya..

Ok, sorry, I'm venting a bit, but it's frustrating when guys complain about how they "suck with girls" but they don't even try... they don't suck,, they simply haven't tried.. it's like businesses that start up, and some fail, but others fail simply because the owner doesn't put any effort into it.. it's not that the business failed,, he didn't even TRY at all.. if you're not talking to at least a few girls a day and trying to at least start accumulating some e-mails or numbers or something, and set some "dates" up or meetings or whatever, then don't complain man.. go out there and talk to girls daily and chances are you will find some who will be into you.. IF you are doing stuff daily, and still have NO success at all, then we need to analyze what you're doing wrong and what you can start doing better..

But please, do us all a favor, and go talk to girls EVERY DAY, and number or e-mail close them... in other words, after talking to them, tell them "hey, I'd like to call you sometimes..what's your number" and whip out your phone.. then come back and tell us what kinda results you're getting..

You say you're obsessed with sex.. so once again.. how often are you trying to make a move on a girl? Also, once you start meeting these girls at your place or wherever you may take them, you will have to make moves on them.. in other words, kiss, make out,, and yes.. sex... Everyone is different, but I usually ALWAYS go for the kiss the first time we're hanging out.. actually,, I always try to take it as far as possible, if that goes all the way to sex, great... lol (this is more common than you may think)..

If it's just kissing and she has enough resistance for other stuff, than that's fine too.. I've actually had a girl that just made out with me and didn't want to have sex.. so I told her fine, I loved making out with her.. she would come around once every few weeks or so, and we would hang out, talk, watch a movie maybe, and make out,, sometimes for a very long time.. but she always stopped me before going all the way.. she called me her "makeout buddy".. I probably saw her maybe once a month approximately for 4 or 5 months, and we only made out and light grinding lol.. and a few times she got really worked up and had to step away for a bit to relax, she actually asked me each time "how do I do it" and why "do I still bother knowing I wont' get to sleep with her"

I told her "Hey, I have no expectations at all from you.. I have a great time talking to you and I absolutely LOVE making out with you.. yeah I'd love to f*ck the sh*t outta you, but I have no expectations, I'm fine with whatever happens,, if we have sex, great.. if we dont' , that's fine too.. " She kept telling me how amazed she was that she can come over and rely on having a good time with me, and some great making out.. and doenst' have to feel like a slvt because she's not having sex with someone she knows is not interested in being her boyfriend lol..

Wellll... after about 5 months, she was doing some housesitting for an older lady that was one of her clients (she was a hairdresser or some sh*t lol).. she invited me over to hang out and watch a movie, as the house was really fancy and had an amazing pool and all that good stuff... I went there and we watched a movie and then went to hang out by the pool (really late at night).. we were making out outside for a while and she was getting hot and bothered.. she finally asks "how can you wait so long" I said "I told you I have no expectations .. how can you" and she said "I dont' think I can anymore".. well, I kept making out and didn't make any sudden moves, but did slowly progress and once I caressed her for a split second down there, she immediately said "do you want me to show you the bedroom".. anyways, the rest is history lol.. I went from "makeout buddy" to "f*ck buddy",, I'd see her maybe once a month for another six months, and then she started dating some guy seriously and got engaged..

I have no idea why I just wrote that story,, lol, my bad.. the point though, you have to make a move on a girl.. some guys here will tell you that kissing on the first date is not classy.. and that's ok, everyone has their own rules.. some guys that are looking for "the one" maybe dont' want to kiss on the first date, because it will ruin their image of how the girl is pure and they have to wait for a long time to get her..

However, know that if you dont' try making out on the first "date", you WILL be losing out on some girls, as they will lose interest and think you didn't have the balls to make the move on them.. I've had girls tell me about some dates, had a girl long time ago, late 90s, that I worked with, after I slept with her she told me about this other guy at work that took her out, and said that they had plenty of alone time, but he "never kissed her" and she said "I dunno if he is gay or what" LOL.. true story,, so I guess some girls will actually wonder if you’re gay if you don't make a move on them..

My take is, always go for the kiss, and if that works out, go for another kiss, take it lightly but try to keep advancing.. kiss.. act like nothing happened, talk about random sh*t,, kiss again,, act like nothing happened, totally normal and natural.. and keep progressing further and further,, start making out, run your hands down her arms and body, but avoid sexual parts .. build up tension.. eventually you do want to start grabbing her ass and what not, maybe make out and as you're rubbing her arms you "accidentally" rub your elbow just ever so slightly across her boob.. just stuff like that.. just really build it up pretty good..

and if she doesn't resist, go as far as you can take it.. if you can bed her on the first night, then bed her on the first night.. tell you what though, you will quickly lose your "obsession" once you bed her on the first or second night, as your oneitis will go out the window and you will realize that she is "just another girl"..

No matter what anyone tells you, this is GOOD, because she IS just another girl.. and it is this attitude that will let YOU be in control of the relationship.. because she can not stand to be worshiped.. she cannot live up to those expectations, she needs to be treated like the little girl that she is.. She is NOT as sure of her self as she makes it to be, and needs you to be the man, to be the leader.. and having this attitude, that she truly is just another girl, as bad as it sounds, allows you to have that mentality and confidence..

It is when you obsess over a girl that you make the most mistakes because you put so much importance on a situation.. I've heard a great metaphor a long time ago "If you grab onto something too tight, you are sure to lose it".. Never put too much importance on any single situation.. always remember that everything will be fine, no matter what.. in just about anything in life, people worry about the smallest things, that all you have to think about is "is this really the end of the world for me".. chances are IT"S NOT.. quit worrying and go out there and have fun, enjoy life, it's not permanent, it does end someday, so enjoy it TODAY.. the time is never "right" so don't wait for "the right time" like 98% of guys are doing out there.. the time is NEVER RIGHT.. the time is now, and now is all you've got my brother..

 

[Konada]

First of all, I'd have to disagree with some of the posters here. Before you even start macking on girls, you have to do some serious reflection about yourself.

1. You're deriving your self worth from others. Ask yourself, would you be proud of yourself if there was nobody to commend you/give you attention?

2. You placed too much emphasis on women, so much so that you're building your life around them. Life is about YOU, how you feel about it is how you chose to live it. Think about that.

Thats why DJs who have gotten it right preach so much about inner game. Without it, your facade will crumble sooner or later. Think about how everyone steers clear from the guy who 'tries too hard' to be friends. Why? He's reeking of desperation! Inner game applies through all principles of life, get that into your mind and sorted out first. Even if you took all of sexysuave's advice you'll still be reeking of desperation and probably turn girls off.

Believe it or not, I was in the very position you are in 6 months ago which brought me to this site. Always doing nice things for people even if I didn't feel like it, supplicating to my one itis. I ended up being the most whipped guy in class. Then this happened, I got my sh!t together, started to do things for myself. I stopped building my life around approval from others. I may have acted like a douche compared to my former self (yes I was that bad) but now I am gaining more respect from others and noticed as well. People start talking to me and I didn't give a fvck to those who were still dwelling on the 'past me' (Inevitably I did piss a girl off in my class because I refused to help her complete a task while she could continue talking shvt with her bf, oh well lol.)

 

[dudewut]

Oh sorry if I missed answering that question, I intend to answer it with the others but got distracted making other points. The last time I approached a girl was like 2-3 weeks ago before the semester started. Actually to think of it it's kind of a cheat because she approached me before but I was in a rush/bad mood that I sorta remained cold and business like (she is in my chem lab, and I just approached her in a social situation than when she did it)

 

[Mr. Suave]

Oh sorry if I missed answering that question, I intend to answer it with the others but got distracted making other points. The last time I approached a girl was like 2-3 weeks ago before the semester started. Actually to think of it it's kind of a cheat because she approached me before but I was in a rush/bad mood that I sorta remained cold and business like (she is in my chem lab, and I just approached her in a social situation than when she did it)

Okay, that's cool, so you're speaking to them and approaching them. But are you making moves, are you showing sexual interest in a girl and making things happen? As you said, you just approached her in a social way... Yeah sometimes girls will just like you, but for the most part if you want something to happen you have to go for it. If you're only ever social that could be a big part of the problem.

As the other guy said too, if you're desperate you have to do some work on yourself, but it's really a paradoxical situation because to get sex you need to have it, you need sex so you can stop acting desperate.

 

[dudewut]

Okay, that's cool, so you're speaking to them and approaching them. But are you making moves, are you showing sexual interest in a girl and making things happen? As you said, you just approached her in a social way... Yeah sometimes girls will just like you, but for the most part if you want something to happen you have to go for it. If you're only ever social that could be a big part of the problem.

As the other guy said too, if you're desperate you have to do some work on yourself, but it's really a paradoxical situation because to get sex you need to have it, you need sex so you can stop acting desperate.

I was gonna talk about how paradoxical it was, yes. It's like I can't get any because I am desperate and I am desperate coz I can't get any. It's a cycle! And IMHO the only way to break it is that is to a) fake it till I make it or b) genuinely be undesperate as I am busy working on myself and the priority will be me, my life and my future.

In my opinion, option b is the way to go. I don't want to be the guy that is good with women, but really have nothing else going for him.


Edit: So basically, my question should be; "How do I stop obsessing and get a life of my own?"

 

[Mr. Suave]

I was gonna talk about how paradoxical it was, yes. It's like I can't get any because I am desperate and I am desperate coz I can't get any. It's a cycle! And IMHO the only way to break it is that is to a) fake it till I make it or b) genuinely be undesperate as I am busy working on myself and the priority will be me, my life and my future.

In my opinion, option b is the way to go. I don't want to be the guy that is good with women, but really have nothing else going for him.


Edit: So basically, my question should be; "How do I stop obsessing and get a life of my own?"

Yep... But you gotta remember once you break the "desperation-mode" you've still got to approach women to make things happen. The mindset you want to be in is something like "I want sex, but I'm content if I don't get it".

 

[floydb25]

Edit: So basically, my question should be; "How do I stop obsessing and get a life of my own?"

That's the right question... You have to fill your time up with things you ENJOY doing. Boredom and isolation causes depression, obsession, and pedestalization over things you DON'T have, which you ASSUME would make you happy. It doesn't.

There's a lot of things you can do to occupy your time. I like to play basketball at the park for 2-3 hours, workout for 1, hang out with friends, clean the house, read, cook, drive, go outside to smoke and chat up the neighbor's, watch movies, check out YouTube vids, hit up some stores, walk, go out to eat, hit up the library, go to church.. There's so many BASIC things you can do to occupy your time. You don't even need to have the best social life with hundreds of friends, and all these social-based activities. But, it does help a lot to talk to people. Doesn't matter where, with whom, or for how long. It gives you a good feeling regardless.

I suffer from purely obsessional OCD, so here's a few things to consider:

Your mind can only focus on one thing at a time. Keep it AWAY from things you're obsessing about. There's a trick called thought blocking. When you find yourself thinking about your obsession - STOP IT, and think about something else. Better yet, DO something else, so you're thinking about that instead.

This is what happens when you work on your education, for example. You're not focusing on the education, but on your obsession. Stop it. Focus all your energy on what you are doing. Whenever those thoughts spur up again - stop them. You have to control your thoughts if you suffer from this. After a while, it becomes second nature to block them out.

Another point to consider is when you date someone. Don't worry about whether they like you, over-analyze everything they do, and obsess over them in that way. You should have enough going on in your life that you don't CARE. You won't go back to feeling empty and worthless - because you have all these other things going on. You're fine being by yourself.

You want to reach a point where you don't NEED anyone. You want to find a way to fit them INTO your life - not REVOLVE them around it. When you do that, and lose your entire being to them - that's when they will lose interest, and you will go back to feeling empty. They were your whole life, and now you have nothing left. Don't do this.

Having a life and maintaining your independence is a win-win - no matter how you look at it. It also works to attract women to you.

 

[HarleyJ]

Work out on your weakness!

 

[Konada]

I was gonna talk about how paradoxical it was, yes. It's like I can't get any because I am desperate and I am desperate coz I can't get any. It's a cycle! And IMHO the only way to break it is that is to a) fake it till I make it or b) genuinely be undesperate as I am busy working on myself and the priority will be me, my life and my future.

In my opinion, option b is the way to go. I don't want to be the guy that is good with women, but really have nothing else going for him.


Edit: So basically, my question should be; "How do I stop obsessing and get a life of my own?"

1. Make a list of things you want to achieve (preferably with a timeline), create a plan that allows you maximize your time while progressing towards your goals. It can be mental or written, just make sure you want it bad enough that you'll stick to it.

2. Start a journal so you and others can keep track of your progress. For my case I feel I have a responsibility to continue the journal since I started it. Try not to lie in you journal because it becomes a slippery slope theory once you start.

3. Every now and then look back in your journal, you'll be amazed at yourself and how this obsession was all in your mind.

Alternatively, you can buy a hooker and get it over and done with lol. I don't know about you but the former is more likely to give me a sense of fufilment.

Whatever you choose, best of luck in it.

Cheers

 

[Powerofmindset]

I would like to bump this. This hits me on the head exactly and when you guys hit the reply button I feel as if you are telling me what to do. This really hits home!

 

[diogenes84]

It's more simple than you think. Realize that there's nothing special about anyone. Don't place women or relationships on a pedestal. Get the fantasy romance out of your mind, and get your head out of the clouds. Don't become so infatuated with someone or something to the point where you become blinded to reality. The perfect person doesn't exist outside of your own mind.

Don't depend on other people to make you happy. They can't. This creates co-dependency and desperation. It's also why you become obsessive, and possibly needy, clingy, etc. This is very unhealthy, and will destroy your chances of having a relationship. Which, ironically, will make you even MORE obsessive and depressed.

Just understand that everyone is flawed, normal, and nothing special. Having a crush on someone doesn't change this. It only blinds you to who they really are. So, you view them as perfect initially - then as worthless down the line. Neither is true. You just placed them so high up on the pedestal that it all came crashing down once reality hit. Black and white thinking is another mistake.

Edit to add: don't focus every moment of your life on women! Have a life, and focus on YOURSELF. When you DO get involved with someone - you will lose yourself to them. Then, you will go right back to feeling empty and unhappy once they leave. Even moreso than before. You also won't attract ANYONE by making them your sole purpose of existence.

very good post. I am actually going to save this in a file of "Mantras" which I can look at when I find myself obsessing or being needy. Reflection first, Acceptance and then on to change over time.