How do I stop getting nervous, tight, and in my head as soon as I see a cute woman?

[DJDeMarco]

How do I stop getting nervous, tight, and in my head as soon as I see a cute woman?

I'm trying to be more alpha, say what I want to women,and not care what happens. But my emotions are overriding this as soon as I see a cute woman. No matter how relaxed or positive I am before talking to a woman I like, this happens.

Happened today with a waitress I had talked to a couple times, but hasn't shown any interest in me.Immediately got nervous and tight as soon as I saw her, conversation wasn't great. I was mad and upset with myself because I'm trying to move past this phase and have fun being alpha. I could care less what the girl thinks. Problem is this always happens with women I like, and it doesn't help me socially or romantically.

 

[Aware]

Ah, the hormone rush of fear while approaching a woman. It's a relict of times when humans were living in small tribles and approaching a woman could get you hurt, killed or exiled by stronger men.

It's a poison, so treat it as one. Get a dose, get mad at yourself, experience shame, guilt and other negative emotions. Then give yourself time to recover. Next time you will be more resistant to it. Do it a hundred times and you may begin to see pretty girls as normal people.

 

[MOTU]

OP, practice makes perfect. Talk to everyone you have the opportunity too, M or F, to hone your conversation skills. Don't treat the hot chicks any different than the old man in the grocery line.

 

[skinnyguy]

Pedestalization

 

[FairShake]

An inner-alpha wouldn't care if he was nervous. He'd plow thru anyway, possibly sound stupid, and live to game another day.

 

[Harry Wilmington]

The reason you get nervous is because you care too much about the outcome. I talk about this on my Stop Losing Women podcast a LOT, but basically: the more you outcome-dependent you are, the more likely you are to mess up the interaction because you end up stuck in your head trying to find the perfect thing to say, or trying to figure out how to control the interaction. But, think about how you talk to girl that you are NOT trying to go after - you're cool, calm, collected, and don't give 2 craps about what you say. Why? Because you're not looking to get a specific outcome or something from them - you're just being you. Well, you have to interact in that same way with women you like.

You also have to consider the fact that you don't really "like" them. Your brain is tricking you into feeling "feelings" for someone based off looks and a couple convos, but you haven't actually taken them out or dated them. So, the only thing you have is (a) an outsider's perspective about this potential dating partner, and (b) these feelings of like that aren't really deep. What you have to do is remind yourself that, even if you think you two might be great together, you don't actually KNOW that until you take her out. For me, it's easy to go up to girls, talk to them, and ask for their number because I no longer see it as me exposing my like to them - now, I look at is as letting them know I'd like to inquire further into what I think might be there. No deep feelings yet, no pressure on them to have to like me back in the moment, and thus - better results, and no nervousness on my end about what may or may not happen should I say something wrong during our interaction.

 

[DJDeMarco]

Good advice. I decided to start talking to people,men and women alike, without any outcome dependence. Also, I'm focusing on controlling my emotions better around women. So far, so good. But I've yet to approach a woman since I decided to change this. Still, shouldn't matter. I realize it'll take time to get the basics down. I'm not going to be the guy who always has a new woman ready tomorrow. But in time, I can make it happen.

 

[princess_124]

Aww...that's cute! I'm sure most girls LOVE shy guys because they are less likely to cheat...so yes, we love them...lol. By the way I feel nervous by cute ( tall n muscular guys) too lol

 

[thehedonistman]

The reason you get nervous is because you care too much about the outcome. I talk about this on my Stop Losing Women podcast a LOT, but basically: the more you outcome-dependent you are, the more likely you are to mess up the interaction because you end up stuck in your head trying to find the perfect thing to say, or trying to figure out how to control the interaction. But, think about how you talk to girl that you are NOT trying to go after - you're cool, calm, collected, and don't give 2 craps about what you say. Why? Because you're not looking to get a specific outcome or something from them - you're just being you. Well, you have to interact in that same way with women you like.

You also have to consider the fact that you don't really "like" them. Your brain is tricking you into feeling "feelings" for someone based off looks and a couple convos, but you haven't actually taken them out or dated them. So, the only thing you have is (a) an outsider's perspective about this potential dating partner, and (b) these feelings of like that aren't really deep. What you have to do is remind yourself that, even if you think you two might be great together, you don't actually KNOW that until you take her out. For me, it's easy to go up to girls, talk to them, and ask for their number because I no longer see it as me exposing my like to them - now, I look at is as letting them know I'd like to inquire further into what I think might be there. No deep feelings yet, no pressure on them to have to like me back in the moment, and thus - better results, and no nervousness on my end about what may or may not happen should I say something wrong during our interaction.

I so have this problem too. .

but the fact that you want to talk to a cute/hot girl itself means you already have an outcome in mind, obviously we don't want to be friends with them now, do we? So the idea that don't be outcome oriented is a bit hard to follow. Because the outcome you want will always be there.

I think a better way to think of this is in terms of "rejection therapy". If she rejects you she rejects you, move on to the next one. So it should be "don't care about the rejection" and not "don't care about the outcome" and yes the more the practice the better.

 

[stevo]

It's natural, its not something you stop, its something you get used to then overcome over time.

Relax. Breathe in and Breathe out.

Tell yourself you got this then DO IT.

 

[Harry Wilmington]

I so have this problem too. .

but the fact that you want to talk to a cute/hot girl itself means you already have an outcome in mind, obviously we don't want to be friends with them now, do we? So the idea that don't be outcome oriented is a bit hard to follow. Because the outcome you want will always be there.

I think a better way to think of this is in terms of "rejection therapy". If she rejects you she rejects you, move on to the next one. So it should be "don't care about the rejection" and not "don't care about the outcome" and yes the more the practice the better.

Eh, not quite. If you see a cute girl you want to talk to, the results of that conversation shouldn't alter your day, or the way you feel about yourself, or how your ego views the situation. When I say "don't be outcome-oriented," that doesn't mean you shouldn't hope for a certain outcome; it simply means that, regardless of if the results you get are positive or negative, that you can't let it get to you too much.

For me, if I talk to a girl and end up asking her for the number, I'll either get a "yes" or a "no." If I get a yes, great - a girl may like me and I may get a date, and I go about my day. If I get a no, great - I've discovered a girl doesn't like me so I don't have to waste any more energy on her and can find another one that will like me, and I go about my day. In either case, the outcome isn't likely to make me be super-happy or super-depressed because I DON'T LET HOW SHE REACTS TO MY REQUEST AFFECT ME GREATLY IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER. This is what I mean when I say you can't care so much about the outcome - go in hoping for the best, but if you don't get it understand that, in the end, YOU determine how you react to her reaction.