How do I spin plates ethically and honestly?

[Findog]

Here's the situation: After my last serious relationship ended a year ago, I was lonely and set up an OKCupid profile. Online dating is tedious and time-consuming and I got to a point about a month ago where I thought it would be a good idea to take a break for a couple of months and work on myself before trying to date again. I had resolved to disable my account when I got a message from a very attractive girl. She seemed cool and we exchanged a series of messages, but I couldn't shake the nagging feeling that I was in a bad place mentally trying to force things to happen and decided that I should focus on letting things happen naturally in the real world and not rely on the crutch of online dating. So I disabled my account without ever setting up a meeting with her.

Two weeks ago I was at a friend's birthday party where I met a girl. We ended up talking for a couple hours and really hit it off. Arranged to meet her for drinks last weekend. That went well and then she came over to my place this week and we ended up having sex. I went over to her place the next night and we had sex again. She told me couldn't wait for this weekend to come and that we'd be having lots and lots of sex. She told me she had been in a very long drought of almost two years. She's about a 6. I like her, we get along well, but she's not from here, and she wants to move back home to California for family and professional reasons in a couple of years. My life is here in Dallas where I live and grew up, and I just can't see myself ever making that kind of leap. So I'm enjoying her company, but I don't know that things are going to be viable long-term.

Yesterday I ended up getting an invitation over facebook from a good friend of mine who lives in Canada and is back in town with his newlywed wife. They were throwing a wedding party/reception for all of their friends. The OKC girl from a month ago posted on the wall for this event. I did as well. So I IM'd my buddy and was like "So who is (OKC girl's real name)?" And he says "Funny you ask, because she asked me the exact same thing about you." And I explained the situation to him, how I "knew" her, and basically why I disabled my account. He tells me I should definitely come out because he thinks she wants to meet me. I met her last night at the party. She's like insanely hot, easily an 8-9, and she's got the same kind of interests and hobbies as I do. The entire time she was there, I kept kicking myself and saying to myself "You idiot!" OKC girl is originally from this area and just moved back, wants to be here long-term, and I can confirm that she is definitely single. I reactivated my OKC profile and I can see that she viewed mine within the past few days. I explained the situation to her about why I got rid of my account and she was good-natured and gracious about it. I thought I definitely should play it cool and not say anything about getting together for a date or "trying again." Sort of like, I'll be a man and take my lumps for screwing this up. She leaves early and an hour later a fb friend request shows up on my smartphone from her and I accepted.

I understand that I'm if having sex every night and hanging out all the time with Cali 6 Girl, she's going to assume we're a couple whether or not we ever have a conversation about monogamy and exclusivity. On the one hand, it would be stupid to pass up spending time and making sexy time with a sure thing because of something that MIGHT lead to sexy time. I was asking my friends about this, and they were saying that if the ship had completely sailed with OKC Girl, she would not have been asking about me beforehand and then sending me a fb friend request afterwards. I don't want to be overestimating this girl's interest level and completely lose out on spending time with Cali 6 Girl only to find out that OKC Girl was just being nice and polite. I feel like I should be honest with the Cali 6 girl and should be setting boundaries and expectations if I want to see if there is anything at all possible with OKC Girl. I'm not a cheater and I don't want to lead anybody on. I've always been willing to give up sex if it meant that I behaved with integrity. From a logistical perspective, 6 lives five minutes away from me and 8 lives 35 minutes away from me.

So would it be prudent to explain to Cali 6 girl that I understand long-term she wants to go back to California and that's a big leap for me, that we've only known each other for a couple of weeks and are still getting to know each other, and I'm seeing other people as well? If you're using protection, do you have to disclose you're sleeping with other people?

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Findog,
Your Question "How do I spin plates ethically and honestly?" the answer.....for most on this Site,without success.

 

[Colossus]

So would it be prudent to explain to Cali 6 girl that I understand long-term she wants to go back to California and that's a big leap for me, that we've only known each other for a couple of weeks and are still getting to know each other, and I'm seeing other people as well? If you're using protection, do you have to disclose you're sleeping with other people?

These are some valid questions, but understand the answer is totally going to depend on the individual's moral leanings.

Personally, I wouldnt pass up a shot with the 8-9 girl, simply by virtue that she is hotter and interested in you. As far as the 6 girl, I understand your misgivings. You dont feel ethically comfortable being a scoundrel and potentially hooking up with another girl behind her back. Technically, it's fair game to check the 8-9 girl, since havent AGREED to exclusivity with the 6. But, as you know, once you start sleeping with a girl on the regular they fully expect it's only them. So, you can either keep it going with the 6 and check out the new girl, then if it becomes sexual with her make the call for one or the other; or just do them both concomitantly and lie your as$ off. I don't endorse the latter, but that's just me.

IMO spinning plates is seeing, or hanging out with, multiple girls at once to maximize your quiver of female options. You might mess around with them all, but you choose the one you like best to fvck and make it official. Again, just my opinion. It runs the gamut here.

 

[SgtSplacker]

It's ok to think about the future in these matters but the reality of the thing is that you are not committed until you are committed. Until you utter the words "will you be my girlfriend?" you can hang out with any and as many girls as you want. You never know what is going to happen with either of them, so why plan things you have not talked over with them? Let them be the ones to decide that they can no longer be without you and compete for your favor...

 

[pinhas]

On the same topic, I need to have a convo with a girl about how I like her and want to sleep with her, but we have no future since I don't want a relationship. I think logic is on my side, since she just got out of a 3 year attachment, and we both looking at moving away, so doesnt make sense to start anything.

But... logic isnt a women's strong suite, so any suggestions on how to approach this? I want to clear it up before sex, as she is part of my social group and I dont want to pump and dump her.

 

[Findog]

Thanks for the responses guys. The reason it weighs on my mind is that I was a late bloomer. Didn't lose my virginity and become competent with women until i was well into my twenties. Total AFC until this one girl rejected me that I had oneitis for really bad. That kind of shook me up and motivated me to figure out how to be successful with women. So I've never really juggled women before and was unclear on the ethics of it. Also, I was in a very serious relationship that ended a little over a year ago. It had gotten to the point that we informed both sets of parents that we were getting married, we had gone to jewelry stores to look at bands together, had been scouting different chapel venues when she abruptly called things off with no warning or explanation. I don't EVER want to hurt somebody the way she hurt me. I know I can't control how other people are going to respond, but I don't ever want to pull the kind of **** move my ex pulled.

The Birthday Party Girl and I have only known each other for two weeks and are still relative strangers. She texted me last night asking me if I wanted to come over at 10 pm on a worknight for a booty call. So it seems like a casual hooking up situation if she's not going to insist on being wined and dined. She also told me after we hooked up for the first time that she hadn't had sex in nearly two years, so a big part of me suspects that she is horny and is happy to have access to a man for a change. I just wanted to be able to approach the Much Hotter Online Girl with a clear conscience and be able to present myself as single and available. I don't condone cheating, lying, pursuing other options when I'm in a relationship, or presenting myself to people under false pretenses.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Findog,
Our Party Girl sounds like a good sport....Mate forget about seeing yourself as being potentially unethical....a Lass who has the confidence to booty call for a 10 PM assignation,has been around the block a few times,after a fortnight that is demi monde to say the least...Do you really think that you are the only one?

 

[Aaron B]

when a man is single, he gets to do whatever he wants until he decides to reward a lucky woman with the privilege of an exclusive, committed, long term relationship

until then, he can do as he pleases when it comes to dating

this is your life and its up to you to get what you want. if you don't want to face difficult situations that you believe may arise from seeing multiple women, simply refuse to experience those situations

your issue is you care too much about what these women think and feel. please yourself, not them. its their job to get what they want from life, and if they choose to spend their time with a guy who sees other women, that's on her

its not a problem for you to solve. assume she is mature and capable of making correct decisions in her own life. anything less is demeaning to her.

I understand that as a man you have been imbued with integrity and honor. This is good. What is not good is when men don't realize that women do not possess these traits. Its a shame to cause yourself pain and misery in your relationships because of your misapplication of honor and integrity.

Taking a woman on a date and/or sticking your penis in her IS NOT A COMMITTMENT. If she assumes it is, that's her own stupid fault. Let her learn and grow from her silly mistakes. If you seek to protect her from them, you are inhibiting her growth and maturation process.

The guys that women respond to the most powerfully are the guys who operate based on what I've posted here (whether these guys are conscious of it or not). Women say they don't want those kind of guys. Talk is cheap. Her actions tell the tale: those guys get laid constantly.

 

[azanon]

Fin are you really David Copperfield? I'm just trying to figure out how you can cheat and be unfaithful outside of marriage/marriage vows.

If this "6" didn't ask you to take an STD test before having sex with her, then that is no different a risk she took, than (mistakenly) assuming that you're being exclusive to her. Rephrased, even if you were being exclusive "now", you might have contracted AIDS sometime in the past. In other words, this line of thinking is logically flawed and you are beating yourself up over nothing.

What you do with your time is only the business of yourself, and (if applicable) your spouse.

I'd suggest discontinuing the self-imposed morality. And if you get accused of being immoral by some stupid girl, then do what we call "nexting" here at SS.

1 out of 4 MARRIED people cheat. Excuse me while I am completely unsympathetic at this sort of thing.

 

[Colossus]

Taking a woman on a date and/or sticking your penis in her IS NOT A COMMITTMENT. If she assumes it is, that's her own stupid fault. Let her learn and grow from her silly mistakes. If you seek to protect her from them, you are inhibiting her growth and maturation process.

My man Aaron here is correct.

I don't condone cheating, lying, pursuing other options when I'm in a relationship, or presenting myself to people under false pretenses.

You are NOT in a relationship. Until BOTH of you have agreed to be monogamous, you arent. It takes two people to make that agreement.

If you choose not be sexually active with more than one girl at a time, that is perfectly ok. Just understand that unless you have lead her to believe you two are exclusive, you arent deceiving her. She is a grown woman and frankly should know better than to ASSUME you arent checking other girls at this point, but women tend to operate under the ASSUMPTION that once you are fvcking you're exclusive. When I was dating I always operated under the premise that she was seeing other guys until she asked me for exclusivity. She may or may not have been in actuality, but it kept me in the right mindset.

 

[Duffdog]

I find that most women are OK with a male who has other women in his life when first meeting her. Girls know when there have been women at your house when they come over. Its not rocket science for them-- mostly it means that they have found a man who is at least successful with women.

Currently, society dictates that "morality" and "ethics" simply mean: "whatever women want to hear to avoid crying." Simply owning a peni5 is immoral to many women and would get you burned at the stake if they had their way. Fortunately, alpha males can literally invent morality as they go along and push it onto the girls riding on their c0ck until they decide that they want to change it.

I would never worry about what is moral and ethical when having any interaction with a female. Hot females are incapable of morality and ethical behaviour until they get older, why should you worry about inane things like that?

 

[Kailex]

Wasn't aware that it was unethical to shop around different car dealers without actually committing to purchase any of them.