How do I get her ex out of her mind and heart?

[RedGTP]

I'm sure this topic has been beaten to death but how do you make a girl forget her EX boyfriend? This girl I'm hanging out with keeps in touch with her long distance ex bf which she still has feelings for, but neither of them want to move to the other. I dropped this girl 3 months ago but then called her 6 wks later and said happy bday and now we've hung out 3 times since, but last night we had a long "talk" after I tried to kiss her and she tells me she's still not over her ex so she can't get to the next level but she has fun being with me and wants us to hang out since she doesn't want me out of her life.

I'm dating all these other chicks on the side but this one is for me. I basically want to convert this chick from LJBF to lover. How do I stimulate her mind so I can stimulate her bod? Come on guys, there's GOTTA BE A WAY! Think dammit, think! lol. (I'm 31 and she's 34 btw.) Any specific articles out there? Thanks.

 

[legolas]

Articles? Here you go http://www.overcome-shyness.com/articles/crjames/platonicfriends.html

 

[Bonhomme]

Her attraction for you would have to increase to the the level of attraction she has for her ex, and your availability may have to decrease. May be possible, but it ain't gonna happen overnight, bro. Three words: spin more plates.

Give her the gift of missing you, and seek others who are available. Be cool to her when she contacts you, but don't go out of your way to accommodate her when you have other real live prospects. If you're enough of a Don Juan, she may eventually start missing your company, and want you more than him, but don't count on it. He's still #1 in her rankings by a good margin.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Don't be the rebound guy, too much effort for a slim chance at a payoff. You're not only competing against his memory but also any baggage she has packed to stereotype men. It ain't worth the effort. Leave her to some other AFC that'll put up with her "healing."

 

[KontrollerX]

The rebound guy usually never wins.

Good luck though.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Women have used the LJBF rejection for a hundred years because it serves an ego preservation function for her. To a greater or lesser degree, women require attention and the more they have of it the more affirmation they experience, both personally and socially. The LJBF rejection has classically ensured that a woman can reject a man yet still maintain his previous attention. It also puts the responsibility for the rejection back on his shoulders since, should he decline the 'offer of friendship', he is then responsible for entertaining this friendship. This of course has the potential to backfire on women these days since the standard AFC will accept an LJBF rejection in the mistaken hopes of 'proving' himself worthy of her intimacy by being the perfect 'surrogate boyfriend' - fulfilling all her attention and loyalty prerequisites with no expectation of reciprocating her own intimacy. The LJBF rejection also serves as an ego preservation for her in that having offered the false olive branch of 'friendship' to him in her rejection she also can sleep that night knowing that she (and any of her peers) wont think any less of herself. After all, she offered to be friends, right? She is excused from any feelings of personal guilt or any responsibilities for his feelings if she still wants to remain amiable with him.

Up until the point you made an approach for her intimacy she was enjoying the benefit of your attentions. After an LJBF response her latent intent is to keep that reinforcer of attention. Do not reward her for this disingenuous response, she will only use it on you again or with another guy in a similar situation since it was reinforced the last time this circumstance was experienced. And should the next fellow reinforce it further she will internalize this as her standard response.

All of the time and effort you are expending in trying to sort this girl out are resources that would be better spent on new prospective women. You're stuck playing 'friends' with this girl. Stop being her surrogate boyfriend, giving her all of the benefits of an otherwise attentive, faithful, caring boyfriend with no expectation of intimacy being reciprocated on her part. You're in a losing situation. The clouds will not part, the light will not shine down from heaven above and she will not have some epiphanic revelation that you are in fact the "perfect boyfriend", and even if she did your resulting relationship would be tainted by the fact that you had to wait her out to be into you. You cannot negotiate attraction, you cannot negotiate desire. Would you rather be with a girl who has 100% desire and IL in you or settle for a girl who only appreciates you after she see her LDR boyfriend is hopeless and you become "the next best thing?"

I'm dating all these other chicks on the side but this one is for me.

This is an admission of ONEitis. There isn no ONE. There are good Ones and there are bad Ones, but there is no ONE.

 

[Vulpine]

Some song lyrics come to mind:

"If you can't be with the one you love, then, love the one you're with."

She's not, so stop messing with her and let her come to you when she's good and ready. When you cut off your attention, she'll crave it even more. Then, hopefully, you'll occupy her thoughts more than the other dude and she'll come after you. If not, good riddance.

 

[Slickster]

First things first....

1. Forget about this one particular chick and her hang ups regarding her ex bf.

2. Vow to never get so caught up in any one woman that you feel her presence is necessary.

3. Start focusing on you and your life.

4. Start making your life one that is fun, adventurous, interesting and full of excitement.

5. Notice that while you are living this amazing life people are naturally attracted to you. Especially women.

6. Also notice that all these silly problems regarding Interest level, LJBF, ex bf's, flakiness, magically dissappear. Everyone wants to be in your presence and suddenly YOUR interest level is the sole factor determining your relationships with people.

7. Get out there date, date, and date more women.

8. Keep them all at a distance until you decide you've found someone REALLY unique and you are ready for a relationship.

9. Continue living your amazing life with your amazing gf on your arm.

10. Never ever get too comfortable and think "you've made it". Always continue meeting, befriending, and attracting new women. It keeps everyone on their toes and your relationship fresh.

Congrats you are a real Don Juan.

 

[legolas]

Dude forget what these guys say and mess with her head LOL

Just kidding!

Mr. Tomassi makes some good points making it clear why a woman likes the LJBF rejection. She also may like the attention you're giving her and if she does than the article I pointed out works wonders since it uses jealousy. Is it immoral to use jealousy? That's up to you to decide.

 

[Latinoman]

" I basically want to convert this chick from LJBF to lover. How do I stimulate her mind so I can stimulate her bod? Come on guys, there's GOTTA BE A WAY! Think dammit, think! lol. (I'm 31 and she's 34 btw.) Any specific articles out there? Thanks."

First, start by not becoming her "friend".

If I'm sexually interested in a woman...then I don't want to be her friend. "Friendship" can come later as a by-product to a LTR or marriage. But not before.

I will share something with you...the day I met my current girlfriend, we both showed some interest. Of course, she practically interrogated me and I choose to be very honest (she actually caught me a little of guard). Because of the situation I was at the time...my current girlfriend said something like "perhaps we can be friends now and give it a try __ months in the future". I replied (without even smiling), "I don't want to be your friend." She actually smiled at that...and said, "Okay. I will give you the benefit of the doubt" and gave me her telephone numbers (work and cell) as well as her email. I didn't ask for them...she gave them to me. Now we are together.

I will tell you more...if she would have chosen to be "just friends"...I would have stopped communication there and move along.

 

[RedGTP]

Thanks for the inputs everyone. All of you make great points. The people who say I should move on... I know you're 100% right. I'm not in love with her and could easily do that. It's just she's one of those rare ones and I've put effort into this which is why I don't want to just move on. I used to do that with other rare ones in the past. That's why I seek techniques to not give up . I'm going to digest all this info. Of course, I keep my options open.

After the date she said "I thought we were gonna be friends for now" when I tried to kiss her and I told her "I don't like that arrangement" kind of like what Latinoman did. Then she asked me to sit down at a cafe to talk. Not in these words but I basically asked her if I disappeared from her life would she give a sh*t thinking since she has friends why would she need me? She said with her eyes looking like she was going to cry, the polite thing she'd say to me is "move on, I don't want to string you along" but her honest answer is she'd be disappointed.

At the end she says "okay, we've beaten this to death" then asks me (insisted, actually) "let's take a day trip together" the following week to her favorite beach, and do more stuff as the summer arrives to see where this goes. I chumped out and told her that I do want to see her and she gave me a long tight hug... twice before leaving. We also talked about seeing a movie in 2 weeks.

 

[legolas]

Read that article I posted above. If she's hanging around with you, it means that she gets something out of it, which is why taking it away, as described in the technique can lead to her craving you. Then you build from there. But first you've gotta figure out what she gets out of being with you.

Oh and yeah, give her some space and don't call her for a week.

 

[KarmaSutra]

Don't be the rebound guy, too much effort for a slim chance at a payoff. You're not only competing against his memory but also any baggage she has packed to stereotype men. It ain't worth the effort. Leave her to some other AFC that'll put up with her "healing."

Concise and true. Excellent

 

[flexion_]

You can't change people who interact with you.
You can only change yourself.
People change the way they interact with you when you change yourself.

This may sound simple; but, its a pretty complex idea.

 

[xmlenigma]

Ive known a woman do this to several guys where I was the one who got the STUFF. They were LJBFed.

Be nice. Dont be bent on her. Just move on.

 

[Latinoman]

Maximus_Decimus said it perfectly.

I personally wouldn't waste my $$$ in the movies with her or going to the beach with her. This girl already made up her mind to be your friend. You are her GLB (gay little brother).

If you want to hang out with her for friendship and just friendship. Then that's cool. Go to the movies and beach with her. I have female friends that I have no issues doing those things with them. But, I don't want to have sex with them either. So, that's cool.

If a woman sits with me and tells me to "move on"...but she "will be very disappointed". And if she tells me that she doesn't want to "string" me "along"...then that's more than clear indication that I must move on.

My advice? Forget about her. You have ZERO chance to be with her. And the reason I know that is because of that brotherly hug she gave you. That was the kiss of death.

 

[RedGTP]

Legolas - I read that article in the link you provided. It's amazing because when we were talking that night I had described a previous intimate encounter with a girl I had met years ago (I can't remember how it came up but that girl put me in the same situation) and she was uncomfortable with me talking about it like she was making her mind deny it happened and I've also repeatedly mentioned previously how I like some singer and she was like "what, do you have a thing for her?" Kinda like on that episode of Seinfeld when George wanted Marisa Tomei and Susan accused him of that, LMAO.

I have a couple of dates next week with two other women but I'm gonna try this out as an experiment on the LJBF'er and see what happens.