How do I get back my dignity?

[GameOfNoGame]

Okay so maybe some of you have already read snippets of my story but this is the one about dignity. I was pretty ****ed up due to this situation which resulted in anger, terror, depression & tears when I should have shown more stoicism. I am able to display that moreso now but it was pretty difficult on me & I want to know how I can reassert my dignity so this person knows it. She is bright, talented & beautiful beyond belief and we spent almost every day & night together for months.

But I got the silent breakup from this girl on her birthday so she could run back to her abusive ex when she had spent the entire night prior with me and her parting words were "Go get some sleep because I know I'll talk to you soon." Then, she was gone. I was an emotional wreck because I didn't even consider what had happened happening from considering how good everything had been. I thought she was hurt or sick & all I knew was no one was responding to my messages.

When I finally found out what was going on, I didn't get angry at her but rather was concerned for her safety so finally got ahold of her & she said she was really sorry, already decided to go home, thanked me for my patience & that she looked forward to catching up again. Then she turned around & disappeared again. It took me another week to finally figure that out when I looked at her non refundable flight for a trip we'd planned & she'd cancelled it. That's when I lost it.

I had shown her forgiveness & she immediately threw it back in my face with another betrayal. I called, txtd & msgd repeatedly for weeks with a mxture of outrage, threats, appeals, reason, anything that might get through to her how cruel & baffling this was. When she finally broke silence, again she was very contrite but again I tried to be forgiving because I just wanted my friend back & to put that behind me & everything I'd read about people in abusive relationships said not to judge them.

And I tried to be a good friend while she began hoovering then drifting away again. When she failed to give me anything for MY birthday like she'd promised repeatedly I opted not to talk to her for awhile. I heard nothing more but later learned she had gone home. She went home & didn't tell the one person who stuck by her when her family said they were washing their hands of her. I decided that wasn't important compared to her safety so I'd at least say hello & tell her so.

When she finally replied to me about home she was lying, she had run off to this guy's place again and had begun stripping online for money in what I believe was a secret to him and when she disappeared on me again, I lost it again. Again I told her that if she didn't want me trashing her rep by discussing how ****ed up she can be that she needed to show me better respect than just ignoring me whenever. I reconsidered this & apologized because it's not an appropriate.

But that didn't change how upsetting I found her situation to be. So I lost patience soon after things had settled down from that & asked her if she'd meant what she said about wanting to visit me if there was a way. That I'd take care of the details because it meant that much to me but she wouldn't give me a straight or timely answer so again I lost my cool. I became flummoxed in my articulation then eventually fed up & had to outline why I was trying so hard just to help.

When she still gave me an BS almost answer, I threw in the towel. I am a good man with a lot going for him & as much as it broke my heart, there was nothing I could do for this girl when she'd rather have a life filled with abuse & drama depite all the good things she had going for her. I am more detached now when I hear from her & I've tried, I really have but not one other girl I've met since seems to even understand what I'm talking about usually so I would like to still be friends for all the good times

But I want her to know that she can't hurt me anymore and even if I didn't handle the situation with her antics with the most grace that I showed more patience than most & never took revenge as others have or anything but was rightfully disturbed by all of it even if that kind of insanity is old hat to her (which none of her family bothered to tell me, thanks for nothing you white trash). And I just want to know if there's anything I can do to scrub those moments when I hadn't learned not to care.

So don't say I have oneitis, don't say NC is the only answer because I just want to cut the wheat from the chaff & enjoy having company with someone who doesn't give me blank stares when I talk about art or literature or etc of anything. But have it be known that it is my clemency to say hello or walk away for the time being if I'm not liking things. Besides, it will give her some food for thought when she is privy to how my life is constantly great her's continues to be a friggin' mess

 

[sharkbeat]

She does not see forgiveness as a way to make up with you. What went through her head was "thank god he's okay with all my crap. I dont owe him emotional attention anymore. Now I can go back and do whatever I want again."

Sorry, bro, but time is the only thing that can help you through. Yes, NC will help, but a man should also learn how to deal with the woman who has done this to him, in case a complete NC is not possible. You have to be mentally ready that your life will carry on without her in the picture. You are feeling grief because there is a big hole in your life now where she used to sit.

Start respecting yourself again. You havent done so since you were with her. You had been sacrificing your selfworth, time, and mental energy for her, and thats why you are grieving now because shes gone. You have lost your value. Start doing things that you enjoy from now on. Socializing will keep you sane. Exercise will destress you.

 

[speed dawg]

Attempting to "show" her anything takes away more of your dignity. You're not yet at a point where you can pull yourself up - you still haven't hit rock bottom yet. Not much anybody here can tell you right now.

You first have to admit that you did, in fact, have one-itis and was/still are a beta supplicating chump. You have to want to change. Don't be ashamed to admit that....it's what brought every single one of us to this site.

You CAN and WILL get better. You just have to face some cold hard truths and realities.

 

[GameOfNoGame]

Thank you for your responses but I don't care about that alpha/beta/omega stuff. I like myself just fine the way I am because I have a lot going for me regardless of whether my attitude is more ****y or humble at any given moment. So yes, I do respect myself but it does take a hit when the woman of your dreams leaves you for a man who shouts at her, throws things, smashes her posessions, calls her fat, cheats on her & violently sexually assaults her as she's sleeping because she refused his advances while awake.

How was I to feel valuable when in contrast to what I thought about myself I was traded for that? However, I'm past rock bottom. Rock bottom was when I couldn't sleep because I kept seeing her being slapped around by this guy when I shut my eyes, it was not being able to eat & losing weight, it was breaking down in tears because I felt so worthless, powerless & scared. I'm much better now. I do exersise & I do see friends but my friends aren't around much anymore as I'm the only one now who doesn't have someone.

So while they're off doing coupley things. I just sit here alone and often go out alone. That just makes me feel worse. I can go to bars & meet new women but I'm really tired of that because as I've said I've tried I really have but I can't meet anyone who actually shares some of my interests or intellectual level which is fine for a one night stand but exasperating in the long run. So **** it, I guess I do have oneities because in my three decades I've met one girl who is those things & obviously there just aren't any others.

So what am I to do? Just be miserable either way?

 

[Iceberg]

Thank you for your responses but I don't care about that alpha/beta/omega stuff. I like myself just fine the way I am because I have a lot going for me regardless of whether my attitude is more ****y or humble at any given moment. So yes, I do respect myself but it does take a hit when the woman of your dreams leaves you for a man who shouts at her, throws things, smashes her posessions, calls her fat, cheats on her & violently sexually assaults her as she's sleeping because she refused his advances while awake.

Since I didn't bang this girl, I don't have to sugar coat what she is. And since you're too emotionally attached to REALISTICALLY evaluate the situation, let me help you.

This "Beautiful, bright, talented" girl....this "woman of your dreams" is a lying, cheating, online-stripping piece of sh*t. And I guaran-fukking-tee you that if this chick was your friend's girlfriend and not yours, you'd be saying the same thing. She only gets a pass from you because she's pretty and she let you inside her vagina.

I don't want to hear about how no other girls get you, and how you and your ex had deep conversations...Sorry man...but if this girl were TRULY so fukking smart, and so great, she wouldnt be running into the arms of some abusive punk, and she wouldn't be an online stripper. Let's face it: She's not that smart and she's not that special.

This isn't the story of some sweetheart, Green Peace, Save-the Whales, volunteer who is running back to her doctor ex boyfriend. She's a psychotic stripper who's leaving you for her pimp.

Oh she's the only girl you've met who "Cares about your interests"? Get over yourself. She was pretty and she liked you. That's what you cared about. It's not like this online stripper is having deep conversations with you about rocket science and astrophysics. If she were as smart as you're making her out to be, she'd be doing better things with her life.

Sorry to knock your girl off her pedestal, but that's how it is. If she were truly special and smart and sweet, she wouldn't be volunteering herself for the shi*tty life she's entering with her abusive ex, stripping for a living. She's trash with a pretty face.

You don't want to hear about No Contact or Oneitis? Okay. Then keep reaching out to this chick and see what that gets you. What's that old saying? "Behind every great man is an online stripper who leaves him for an abusive ex boyfriend"....oh right....no, that's the path of the weak man, not the great man. Drop this girl. Move forward. It's not "no contact"...it's leaving your trash out for the garbage man to take away.

 

[GameOfNoGame]

No really, I won't say you're wrong about those things you said about her but she knows about art, speaks several languages, is well read in literature, she plays obscure video games & watches old movies. She is very good at drawing & painting as well as writing novellas & poems. She was studying medicine when I met her for Christ's sake. All much like my own interests & activities.

Let's put her in comparison with other girls I've seen. There was one I dumped because she had gotten back from Paris so I asked her if she'd been to the Louvre & she didn't even know what it was. Or that was an English student but couldn't even think of a favourite book. One whom I brought to a jazz show & said "this music is weird" (and it wasn't freak out beatnik jazz either).

the list goes on but I think you get the point that it's a little unfair for you to say I only miss her because she's pretty & we were intimate in physical ways. As well it is unfair to say that I need to get over myself when I've met many women who really don't care about what I care about this one was so close to what I needed. So again, what am I to do? Honestly, I just want my friend back.

 

[betheman]

OP, your asking how to get your dignity back, you have been told.
it wont 'just come back' she cant give it back to you, you have lost it and continue to ensure it stays lost.
pining after someone who treated you so badly ensure that any shred of dignity you have left, its being given away freely, that is why the searching for answers from her must stop, your losing more of that which you want back.
you have to let her go, she values you less tha the abuser she is with, what does that tell you about her values?
she has basically disqualified herslef to any normal rational human being, but not you? ask yourself what that is about and discount the "she was the one" nonsense, because she 100% isnt

 

[DMSR76]

Now this is sad. Dude, you're going to go through a world of hurt because you're in deep denial. The guys who have given you advice on this thread have attempted to save you some long term heartache. I'm afraid you'll have to learn the hard way.

 

[Iceberg]

the list goes on but I think you get the point that it's a little unfair for you to say I only miss her because she's pretty & we were intimate in physical ways. As well it is unfair to say that I need to get over myself when I've met many women who really don't care about what I care about this one was so close to what I needed. So again, what am I to do? Honestly, I just want my friend back.

Dignity is the opposite of what you're doing right now.

You should have titled this thread "How can I get my loser ex girlfriend back in my life?"

Masking this as a pursuit of dignity isn't fooling anyone. And yeah I know losing a girlfriend/friend can hurt, but come on. You're 31. You're old enough to know that people come and go from our lives. And the way this girl treated you is NOT defined as "friendship"

 

[GameOfNoGame]

I've been dumped lots of times and I've dumped lots of times but it never felt like this because it wasn't just a question of her not wanting me anymore but also her throwing her life away in the process. She dropped out of school, lost her summer job opportunity, ditched her pregnant twin sister on their birthday & screwed her poor mother out of hundreds of dollars & I didn't even get a hint that anything was wrong until it was too late. It wasn't just about me. Something was wrong & she was alone.

But there was me. It was nice that despite my age of us had to feel embarrassed about just being a students again and still trying to build our lives even at our relative ages. Even after things fell apart due to her emotional problems, who was I to judge? I used to have emotional problems too, great anger, never violence but anger & I'd probably be dead had people just given up on me. I just wanted to do the same for someone I cared so much for & for a time had been such a good friend.

So do I want my dignity back or her? Ideally both but I know full well that she's not someone to be involved with at this time. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't like to be proud of who I am when that day occurs that we cross paths again. And it doesn't mean that I wouldn't like to be friends again at such time if she has gotten herself together. I had all the right intentions from the start but I would like to know how I could have better asserted them regardless of whether you think I'm in denial.

 

[georgie24]

bro

i been in 2-3 BDP type rlationships for pasy ten years, im done with it. My foot is down.

stop typing and start thinking.....search bar is valuable tool.

i need to work on myself now more then ever im 36 and square one again

 

[runner83]

Dignity is the opposite of what you're doing right now.

You should have titled this thread "How can I get my loser ex girlfriend back in my life?"

Masking this as a pursuit of dignity isn't fooling anyone. And yeah I know losing a girlfriend/friend can hurt, but come on. You're 31. You're old enough to know that people come and go from our lives. And the way this girl treated you is NOT defined as "friendship"

^ ^ This.

For god's sake, man the fvck up and stop deluding yourself.

The only reason you're worrying about this girl is that you have no other options. Get some, and FAST!

 

[zekko]

This "Beautiful, bright, talented" girl....this "woman of your dreams" is a lying, cheating, online-stripping piece of sh*t.

This is all you need to know. This "woman of your dreams" exists only in your head. She may share a few interests with you, but she prefers an abusive man to you. That should tell you something about her character. Plus she's obviously not good for you in your life the way she treats you.

As for her knowing that you have your dignity back, that shouldn't matter at all. What she thinks is of no importance. Cut the cancer out of your life and be glad of it.

 

[squirrels]

...I have oneitis...

Yup.

...NC is the only answer...

Yup.

Dude...she DUMPED you to go back to hanging out with an abusive a-hole.

It'd be one thing if she dumped you because she found another decent guy who she really thought she loved more than you.

NO, she dumped you for what she KNEW was a worse option.

Do you think being able to spout off factoids about art/literature is what defines "enlightenment"? Do you think someone who claims to be intellectual but is so dumb that she is a total victim to her emotions to the point of harming her own well-being and that of those around her...is somehow "special"??

Dude, there are plenty of smart girls out there. You're not going to find them in the easy places, though...they're as sick of dumb guys as you are of dumb girls.

Your problem is exactly what the thread title suggests...you have given someone else control of whether or not you can look at yourself in the mirror as "dignified". You have elected this girl as judge, jury, and executioner for your self-esteem, just because she's a bit more interesting than the other T&A airheads you've met...and you're finding out now that that was a bad choice.

What you need is not dignity. What you need is the CONFIDENCE that YOU deserve to define your OWN self-worth again, not some skirt.

Really...the arrogance of some people. "I'm coming here asking for advice, but I already know what you're going to say. But I don't have the balls to face the truth and do what's right, so give me another answer so I can go on living a lie".

You will NEVER regain your dignity until you have the balls to face up to the idea that MAYBE this girl wasn't everything you thought she was and MAYBE, just maybe, you CAN'T change her without her wanting to change. You're not "perfect" in life and you can't "salvage" every mistake you make. But you CAN learn from them going forward.

That's what separates men from boys.

 

[john siegal]

Don't be too hard on yourself...we are ALL susceptible to these issues....and fall prey to deceptive people from time-to-time (in general).

Couple of things to learn;

1. You knew she was in contact with the X, who happens to be a Creep. That was your FIRST RED FLAG.

2. She's got NUMEROUS emotional issues and you ignored them or tried to help her Fix them.

3. As soon as you learned of these 2 problems...you should have ACTED by lining up other chicks.

WHAT I WOULD DO.

1. Work on your Self-Esteem. Get books on the subject by N.Branden. Read and Study all of them.

2. Work out and get your Bod in Top Shape (great self-esteem builder).

3. Focus on work. Nothing builds self-esteem like making some Bank. If you are lacking in this area...drop all leisure activities until you have this down.

4. Under no circumstances contact this loser.

5. You probably have a co-dependent issue. Find a CODA class and go to meetings.

6. Get angry with this Whacko. Don't be angry with yourself...(anger turned inward becomes depression). She's a piece of Chit and you have to see her for what she is. IF you fail to do this...you will always have warm-and-fuzzy FEELINGS for her.

JS

 

[Johnnyventana]

Intermittent reinforcement is how she hooked you. Abuse basically. Think about this: The chicks leaves you, without even telling you, and you are acting as-if you did something wrong to her! When it was her that was a complete fk head. Yet you're chasing her like a freak. At best you are an enabler -- it seems she could kill the pope and it wouldn't matter, because her ex is abusive, so she gets a pass. Uh huh.

And I agree with the above, you don't want your dignity back. You want her back. And somehow you think this wounded girl can give you your dignity.

Seriously Google cluster b. This chick is a walking red flag.

 

[GameOfNoGame]

Yes, I did do something wrong to her. I could have explained my feelings & walked away were I not satisfied by a resolution but I didn't. I stayed because as far as I could tell someone I cared about very much had suddenly lost her mind & was harming herself. I just wanted to help & I'd have done the same for any of my friends but I stayed to the point of outward frustration & threatened to expose her. No matter what she did to me first doesn't change the fact that was wrong. There were better ways with which to deal with it.

And so I have since dealt with it by doing my best not to care. I try not to take her intermittence personally because she does that to everyone so I don't know if she does it on purpose or just gets too caught up in her drama to be consistent. When last I heard from her, she told me the most ridiculous story of what had been going on & I still offered any assistance if I could but it didn't matter to me if she listened anymore. I can say I did everything I could and I don't have to feel bad for her decisions & that's what I mean by dignity

But I don't wish ill upon anyone either & I just wanted her to be happy, even if being so didn't involve me. Don't get me wrong, because I wish she would just stop being so stupid for no reason when what I liked about her is that she finally seemed like a girl with intelligence. However, if she is a cluster B then she can never really be happy and she can never really stop. I just didn't want to believe it because she does closely fit AsPD, NPD & BPD in a number of ways but for each she didn't in important ways. Also, don't those kinds of people target others as sources?

So why me? I'm not rich or connected so if that is the case then why me? she is so gorgeous & charming that she could have almost any man she wanted & I felt that it was just because we had so much in common & got along so well that she liked me to begin with. But I'm just a bright, funny, sweet, fairly good looking guy who's back in college. Also, why would she waste her own time & money & personal details if this were her intention? There was nothing to be gained from toying with me. There's only things to lose, the most precious of all being me.

 

[Zunder]

Yes, I did do something wrong to her. I could have explained my feelings & walked away were I not satisfied by a resolution but I didn't. I stayed because as far as I could tell someone I cared about very much had suddenly lost her mind & was harming herself. I just wanted to help & I'd have done the same for any of my friends but I stayed to the point of outward frustration & threatened to expose her. No matter what she did to me first doesn't change the fact that was wrong. There were better ways with which to deal with it.

And so I have since dealt with it by doing my best not to care. I try not to take her intermittence personally because she does that to everyone so I don't know if she does it on purpose or just gets too caught up in her drama to be consistent. When last I heard from her, she told me the most ridiculous story of what had been going on & I still offered any assistance if I could but it didn't matter to me if she listened anymore. I can say I did everything I could and I don't have to feel bad for her decisions & that's what I mean by dignity

But I don't wish ill upon anyone either & I just wanted her to be happy, even if being so didn't involve me. Don't get me wrong, because I wish she would just stop being so stupid for no reason when what I liked about her is that she finally seemed like a girl with intelligence. However, if she is a cluster B then she can never really be happy and she can never really stop. I just didn't want to believe it because she does closely fit AsPD, NPD & BPD in a number of ways but for each she didn't in important ways. Also, don't those kinds of people target others as sources?

So why me? I'm not rich or connected so if that is the case then why me? she is so gorgeous & charming that she could have almost any man she wanted & I felt that it was just because we had so much in common & got along so well that she liked me to begin with. But I'm just a bright, funny, sweet, fairly good looking guy who's back in college. Also, why would she waste her own time & money & personal details if this were her intention? There was nothing to be gained from toying with me. There's only things to lose, the most precious of all being me.

If Falcon were still around he would say you are acting like the "woman" - and he would be right.
Don't fret - I did similar sh!t to you. Took me over a year to get over it - thought I was going nutz. Anti-depressants...the works.
Read Icebergs first reply again and again and again and again. Print it out and put it in your pocket. When you feel a weak moment coming on - pull it out and read it.

"But I don't wish ill upon anyone either & I just wanted her to be happy"This is CapnSaveahoe right down the line - I thought exactly like this too.
Save you good will and wishes for people that deserve it.

One day you WILL realise she is a cvnt. But it will take some time.
Good luck.